Charis' Quilt

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; 

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 

A time to kill and a time to heal; 

a time to break down and a time to build up; 

A time to weep and a time to laugh; 

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together; 

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; 

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love and a time to hate;

a time of war and a time of peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Well, this must have been the time to sew.  ;o)  ...and a time to heal.
The Quilt...

My brother Jim and Marla had their 8th precious child in December.  She's absolutely beautiful and definitely a Halbach since she looks so much like all the others.  We haven't been able to meet her yet, but last December I just wanted so, so badly to do something special for my new, sweet niece.  I didn't want to buy her an outfit or blanket.  I just put it off not sure what to do.  Well, I've also been fighting the temptation to join Pinterest, until a friend posted a bubble quilt from Pinterest.  I had to join to see it, so I broke down and joined.  I'm never on there anyways, so I don't know what I was worried about.  One look at this quilt and I knew this was what I was looking for.  I had to make this.  I could analyze it and say that it was something I couldn't do for Cayla and wanted or needed to make for my niece.  I don't know.  It could be, because I do think it was a very healing project for me.  I'm not good with thinking into things like that too much.  All I knew at the time is that I was making this quilt.  I've never made a blanket or a regular quilt, don't really sew at all, yet felt like I could do this with her tutorial www.awaitingada.com/2012/10/new-and-improved-tutorial-bubble-quilt, so I did.  Sometimes I don't think we realize what we can do if we just put our mind to it.

One of the 90 squares getting ready to be sewed to a smaller white square underneath.

Setting up the final design before sewing them together.

Thanks to Mary Ekholm bringing me her walker foot which made everything so much easier to sew.
I could have never sewed so many layers together without it.
I didn't even know I needed it until she asked if I had one.

My little slits in the back of each square so I could stuff them,
then hand sew every single one back up......

The unstuffed 4" squares in  9 x 10 rows all together laying on the green minky background material.

The beginning of my ruffle.

All the middle bubbles are stuffed and my ruffle is finally starting to look right.
  For all the trouble the ruffle gave me, it was well worth it in the end!

Ruffle is pinned and ready to be sewed on.

Ruffle is on!  Now to somehow attach the soft, stretchy backing. 

The backing is that super soft minky material with the bumps on it.
The soft, mint green made it so nice.

It turned out better than I imagined although it has plenty of
"Aunt Linda made this" reminders all over it.

Rolled, tied up with purple ribbon, and ready to be hand-delivered by my dad
who swung by Ohio just to pick it up on his trip home to VA from Ontario.
Thanks Dad!

I bought fabric, scissors, stuffing stuff, material for a ruffle and all!  I got it in January when JoAnn Fabrics was having huge sales.  My yard and 1/4 of the minky material for the back was 65% off @ $15/yard.  Yay!  I got everything on sale and spent actually very little, less than $30, compared to what these were selling for on the internet... $160-$200.  I felt so good and jumped head-first into doing something I had no idea how to do.  It was wonderful.  I loved cutting, designing, and actually using my sewing machine my grandmother got me 20 years ago.   Every stitch by machine and by hand was all done by myself.  I just worked through it with all the kinks and issues.  If I needed a break, I walked away from it for a few days or a week.  I think after pulling my ruffle out about 4 or 5 times before getting it the exact way I wanted it to look, I took a good week or so off.  That ruffle took me more time than the 90 squares I had to sew together and stuff.  It still was just fun.  I loved doing it.

Something about the quilt has helped me in a way to let go.  I had finished everything except about 6 inches that still needed to be sewn up by hand when I went in for my interview with Seeley Medical and started working.   I let it sit for about 2 weeks before I finished those last stitches the night before my dad stopped in to pick it up and hand-deliver it for me.  I knew my quilt was done, I was ready to take that step forward, admit that getting a job is what God wanted, and let go of my desire to have another child.  It all sounds so simple, but it was pretty momentous inside of me.  The whole timing and God working things out for my job is another post, for another day in the near future.   I did just want to share my quilt though here on Cayla's blog.

I also want to say thank you to Lowell and Samuel for letting me have the dining room table for 2 months as my sewing table...  Love them.

Build-A-Bear Birthday

Yesterday would have been her 2nd birthday.  I had no idea what to do for it.  I asked Lowell, and he said he had an idea.  He thought it would be nice to go to Build-A-Bear that night and make a bear.  It's always been a joke with us.  Samuel was past the age to get one by the time they came out with them, but we've always teased him when we'd walk by one that we could go build him a bear!  Wouldn't that be fun!?  He'd look at us with that look of... come on mom and dad, cut it out.  So when pregnant with Cayla, we were all excited when we passed BAB in the mall, saying that now we can go with Cayla!  Well that was never to be.

So Lowell thought we should maybe do something that we might have done on her 2nd birthday had she lived.  What came to mind?  Yes, BAB.  :o)  When he suggested it, I thought to myself that that's perfect.  How does he think of these things?  I was drawing a blank.  He's just very thoughtful at times. It was nice.  It gave me something to look forward to for her birthday other than the fact that she wasn't here.  It was perfect really.  We asked his family if they wanted to come, and Grandma, Hannah and Sheylyn were able to come which made it nice too.  It was like our own little party for Cayla Joy.  :o)  I am very thankful to God for the family he's given me.  I am blessed.  We all went to Denny's afterwards for dinner which was a good time of laughter and fellowship.  :o)  Even the ride there and back was fun with Lowell and Samuel cracking jokes with the girls giving it right back to them, Samuel's Yogi Bear impressions, all with all 4 girls crammed in the back seat. Good times! 

I have to add one other thing that happened last night too.  As we left BAB, I saw a bench up ahead, and went to sit down and put our little bear together.  It was actually the bench for the train ride which I didn't realize at the time.  As I was trying to get the tags off our purchases, a girl maybe in her 20's who was obviously disabled, peeked around the corner at me as she was waiting for the train with her friend.  I don't think she could even speak, but it was like she was trying to say something to me.  I don't think she looked at anyone else.  She stared at me and then came and sat down next to me.  She reached over and looped her arm in mine and then took my hand and weaved her fingers into mine.  She sat there with me for a little while until the train came and she had to go.  As we talked about this later, Hannah said how sweet it was that she did that.  The more I think about it, it's almost like she sensed that I was hurting inside and just wanted to comfort me in the only way she knew how.  No inhibitions.  Nothing held back.  It was actually pretty sweet.  I love things like this.  People are amazing. I think sometimes people like this have more intuition or can tune into it more than the rest of us and see and feel more than we give them credit for. This sweet girl blessed me last night, and I thank God for that extra, unexpected blessing.  

Some pics from last night.  I've started two other blog entries over that last weeks, but have not had the time or the emotional energy to finish them.  They will be coming soon I hope.  :o)  Thanks for all the love, notes and prayers for our family this week!  Love you all!  God is good ALL the time!

Heading into Build-A-Bear in Mentor

My nieces Hannah and Sheylyn

Lowell choosing things to find in her heart.  It was cute.
You know, we went through most of the little things to do.
It was just fun and sweet.
By the end of our time here, I was in tears, but not till the end.  :o)

Lowell has a little sound chip that went in her paw that giggles when pushed.
It's was sweet how you could personalize some things.

I got to step on the pedal to make the stuffing flow.
It's very cute how it's all set up.

The lady let all 6 of us choose a little heart to put inside Cayla's bear.
It was sweet thinking about Cayla and her half of heart.
We made up for the difference last night.  ;o)

She's sewing her up. 

Sheylyn and Lowell having fun giving her a "bath".

Her little dress we chose.  So many choices.  It was kind of fun.
I've struggled at times walking by children's clothes in a store
and seeing little dresses that I'd love to buy for Cayla and not being able to.
So doing a little "clothes shopping" for a little dress was precious for me.

Her little head band with a flower at Lowell's suggestion.

Group picture as we were leaving.  I was trying to stop the tears...
Sweet time.  Precious little reminder of Cayla to pass on someday.

We ended up with a bow, dress and shoes.  Couldn't resist.

Such a cute little bear.  Loved the swirled fur on it.

Cayla's portrait by my long-time friend Maria, her blanket from Lowell's work,
and her little Cayla Joy bear.

Moments That Take Our Breath Away

Happy New Year!  It's a new year and for some reason I feel compelled to write.  Not sure what about yet, but I've never been lacking for words before.  :)  I do keep thinking about the fact that it was 2 long years ago that I was pregnant.  The whole time of Cayla as part of our lives seems to be getting so, so distant.  I don't particularly like that thought.  I have an 8x10 of her sitting next to Grandma Brooks' pink chair in "my corner" where I go to sit and relax, read or spend time with God.  I actually haven't been noticing the picture for a while, but last night on New Year's Eve, I just sat and stared at it and kept telling myself, as if willing myself to never forget, that I have a daughter.  Not sure which tense to use there.  I still have a daughter even though she's in heaven, so I guess I'll stick with that one.  I have a daughter.  It's hard to grasp really, because I don't feel like it at times.  I feel since I've had to keep moving on with life, that I forget sometimes that yes, I have a daughter.  I feel the need to keep writing this to help solidify it in my brain.  My life with her was so short and so surreal.  Well, I did have a daughter and that's that.

I picked the picture up and just took in everything about her.  This may be weird, but oh well... I gave her a kiss on her cheek, on her head, on her little mouth even though her fingers were in the way and just put my cheek next to hers and tried to remember what it felt like to do this.  It's a hard thing when you feel like you can't remember.  I do remember her cheek against mine, but there's a lot I feel that I'm forgetting.  Aye, yie, yie.  So yes, some tears fell, but it was okay...  I needed to grab a tissue and wash the picture off anyways.  ;)  It's nice and shiny and clean now - even the frame.  Wish I could say the same for the rest of the corner.  So I had to snap a picture.

A quick pic of my messy corner with my little bright spot in the picture!
That's also one of her blankets across the back.

I had been talking to Lowell about Cayla later on in the kitchen.  We stood there and reminisced a while.  Then he pointed to a little plaque sitting above the sink that my mother-in-law and niece Sheylyn gave us for Christmas.  It says, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."  He read it out loud, looked me in the eye and said, "When Cayla died, that was a moment that took my breath away."  During the 8 months we had her and the  months afterwards, there were actually many moments that I held my breath and didn't know what to say.  Hard to imagine, I know, but nonetheless true.  I had read the plaque and only thought of it for the good times, but Lowell reminded me that yes, this applies to her death as well.  But not even just for us.  I know there were many people I knew and some I didn't that went through the whole thing with us and felt all the "moments that took our breath away" with us.  Last night as I thought about this little phrase, I once again realized that Cayla's little life touched many people with her "moments".  Not just her death, but her time in vitro, her birth, her time at Cleveland Clinic, her time at home, her death, her funeral, her impact after her death too.  She gave us all very many of "the moments that take our breath away."

Thanks Mom and Sheylyn.

As I sit here January 1st, thinking about all this again, I just want to say thank you again for all who went through our journey with us.  God has done great things.  I look forward to see what 2014 holds for our family.  Pray with me for God to show me and provide the exact job He has for me.  I'm ready to be back full-time working if that's what God has for me now.  We just have a few kinks to work out logistically with one car and 3 of us working.  God will work it out and has the right job waiting for me.  Just pray that I listen.  :)  Thanks for your love and support these last 2 years.

Happy New Year from the Sowry's!

Her Monument's Up and Christine Wyrtzen's music

Cayla's first time outside before we got in the car for our big ride home!
We were both leaving Cleveland Clinic for the first time in a month.  

Recently, as I've been doing dishes or baking, I've been singing along with Christine Wyrtzen's CD that I've loved since Junior High.  She came to Barcroft Bible Church sometime around 1982 or '83 and accompanied herself on the piano as she sang songs that even then moved my heart.  I remember begging my dad to buy her record for me.  Yes, it was during the transition time between records and cassette tapes... woah.  I loved that record and learned and sang all the songs right along with her.  The record was titled, "For Those Who Hurt".

I remember when I was 15, I went to a week of summer camp at McLean Bible Church. All was well in my world when I left, only to come home that Friday to Mrs. Genter (my mom's best friend) waiting to pick me up at church because my mom was in surgery for, I believe, a double mastectomy.  The details are still somewhat sketchy for me. The cancer went from the size of a pea to the size of an orange in a matter of a day or so.  This was a hard time for all of us.  I don't recall how my older brothers or sister were handling this, but one thing I remember is this record.  I played it even more.  I cried through the songs.  God brought it into my life to have at a point when I'd really need it. That record was a lifeline for me.  The songs "Carry Me", "Doves and Butterflies", and "My Father" were my favorite ones.  I even sang "A Woman's Prayer" from this record to Lowell at our wedding.

Well, I had my cassette player and went off to college 2 years later leaving my records behind.  Over the years as the internet grew, I would try to look her up but never could find her, until about a year ago, not long after Cayla died.  I found her website, Daughters of Promise and wrote her an email how wonderful it was to find her online and to tell her how much her music meant to me during one of the hardest times of my life.  How I will never forget the impression she made on me as a teenager going through a very difficult time.  I also told her about our precious Cayla Joy, her life and death.  I also said I've tried to see if my dad could find that record buried away in boxes, but to no avail.  Was this music still available on CD somewhere?

Well, she wrote me back that yes, she has turned that record into CD's and that she wanted to send it to me absolutely free.  I cried.  I'm getting good at that...  She promptly sent it with a nice note.  I wish she had some of these songs on an accompaniment CD to sing to.  I think she said she has sheet music for some of them, but I haven't been able to order those.  Maybe someday.

Soooo, for this past year or so, I've been reliving these same songs that helped me almost 30 years ago.  :o)  Isn't that amazing how God allowed me to find that music just when it would mean the most to me again?   I've found myself listening to them over and over until this summer when I misplaced the CD.  A couple of weeks ago, I found it and started playing it everyday again in the kitchen.

It was 2 weeks ago on Monday, Oct. 21st that I was singing away when I realized it was my dad's birthday.  Then instantly I recalled that 2 years ago on his birthday, I found out that life-changing news that I was pregnant again for the first time in 16 years.  The music playing, my thoughts running away...  I had my hands in soapy water in the sink and just bent down with my head on the sink and cried.  I couldn't breathe and had to stand up.  All the emotions came back again, and I cried out to God.  I can't help wondering what it would have been like having her here.  I'm fine here typing tonight, but at the time I just relived those 8 months of ups and downs and had a good cry.  As I was trying to pull myself together standing there, I started listening quietly to the music as it played.  These are the words that she was singing from this CD.  I love how God orchestrates everything even down to the timing of the words I needed to hear at that moment.

"Oh what a wonderful, wonderful rest

Trusting completely in Jesus I'm blessed.

Sweetly he comforts and shields from alarms,

holding me close in His mighty arms.

Pressing my tear stained cheeks to His own,

Hushing my grief with His sweet, gentle tone.

Touching my heart with His healing balm,

Holding me still in His mighty arms.

Troubles may rage, sin's surges may beat,

Never can they reach my sheltered retreat. 

I'm free from all danger, free from all dread,

I'm resting quite safe in His mighty arms."

an excerpt from the song, "Hiding in His Arms"

I just listened and thanked God for Cayla, for the message in the music, for Samuel, for Lowell, for everything that kept popping up in my heart.  Tears are very cleansing.  I was able to just continue washing dishes and sing along with her again.  Thank you Christine Wyrtzen for your testimony of God's power to me.  If I had more time, I'd write out the words to all the songs on this CD.  I tried to find "Carry Me" on youtube, but nothing that was worth posting.  I tried to download the CD onto my computer and copy it here, but that didn't work either.  You can hear some of her songs on you tube, or go to her website and order one.  :o)  It's my favorite CD, I guess since it holds so much meaning to me. You can download the songs from iTunes here:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/for-those-who-hurt/id405167064 or at least hear clips of them.

Throughout the rest of that week, I thought about the fact that Cayla would have turned a year and a half.  Oh, and plus my mother-in-law told me that it looked like they were marking her grave and getting ready to lay the cement foundation.  So of course, for the next three mornings, I took Samuel to work, took Lowell to work and then went to the cemetery to see if any more had been done.  Well, it hadn't, so I made myself stop going down until I heard more.  Here's a picture Jodi, Lowell's cousin took when she set it up for us. 

We took off to Virginia on a little "We need to get away" trip to my brother Jim and Marla's house in Berryville, VA that Friday the 24th to Tuesday.  Saw my dad too.  We laid low and just kind of got rejuvenated.  Don't we all need that sometimes?  Although I felt bad dropping in on them with Marla being pregnant with her 8th child and due in less than 6 weeks.  But they insisted and told us to come.  I wanted to go to Lorena Roop's funeral since we were in VA, but it didn't work out.  Sorry Kristi. 

Being completely honest, which is hard to do with some topics, it was a little bit hard to see Marla pregnant with her little girl due the beginning of December.  I really am happy for them.  I'm just throwing it out there, because I've had a few struggles with the whole thing.  Marla's been so good about being sensitive to me, to all of us.  It's hard for her I'm sure too.  I've beat myself up by going down the path of... she's a better mother and her little girl will have a house full of siblings to grow up with, while Cayla would end up being raised almost like an only child too.  She has 8 children, why couldn't we even just have a second one... Blah, blah, blah.  I could go on with more thoughts that plagued me, but you get the idea.  I've been able to squash those thoughts pretty quickly, but they resurfaced off and on while there.  

God's given me verses from the Bible that have just quieted some of these thoughts.  Even in Acts 17:24-25, 28, it reassured me that the one and only, perfect God is completely in control of life and breath and even death.  He had a plan for Cayla and numbered her days.  I do trust him.  Miss her, but trust Him.

"God that made the world and all things therein, 
seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, 

dwelleth not in temples made with hands; 

Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed anything, 

seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things;  

For in Him we live, and move, and have our being;"

I guess I just needed to be reassured that God is trustworthy in what happens in my life.  The good, the bad, it all works together to make me who I am.  I am thrilled for Jim and Marla and at the same time understand that God gave Cayla life and breath, but allowed her to only live 60 days and in the process was able to point people to Him.  :o)  I do like that.  It just helps me to write it out.  Nothing major, but there nonetheless.  

Well, it's late, but I'll close with yesterday, Monday, November 4th.  I'm finally being forced to change my closets and drawers around from summer to winter clothes.  I was pulling out plastic tubs trying to find things.  Well, I pulled out a tub of Cayla's things that I hadn't touched since the day after she died when my mother-in-law, Wendy Hollon, and Erin Brown packed up everything for me and helped me sort what to get rid of and what to keep.  I had no idea what I'd kept or given away.  I thought I'd given away the first little outfit I bought her when I found out I was pregnant.  I thought I'd given away her little socks she wore that looked like a ballet shoe on her non-casted foot.  I thought I'd given away the little navy and white striped dress with the strawberries on it that she wore.  Well, I opened this tub and all of that was in there, plus a sleeper from Grandma and Grampa Joe and the little outfit from Kari Birchler, and some other knitted things and gifts.  Well, as soon as I saw her little dress and socks, I lost it.  I bawled as I held up the few, little clothes she actually did get to wear.  I buried my face in her blanket that she laid on all the time, and I cried.  I know I sound like a weak mess of a person who's always weeping and crying, but tears are so healing.  And outside of the times I mention in the blog, I'm a normal, as normal as I can be, functioning, wife and mom.  At least I think so.  I haven't asked Lowell and Samuel.  Maybe we'll just keep moving on here...

In the midst of the tears, my heart's cry to God was for another baby, but only if it was His perfect will.  God knows my heart.  The last thing I want is a baby at almost 44 years old if it's not God's will for me.  He knows my heart and knows how much I truly meant every word.  If it's His will that I have no more children, then I asked Him to help ease the desire and maybe give me a job or some direction.  I've really not pursued a job like I need to.  I'm trying to change that.  I don't know how it would work with three, full-time people working in this house with one car.  It's in His hands.  I'm in no hurry.  :o)  

Well, I'm going to change around a few things in Cayla's little box on her shelf.  The socks are definitely going in and I'm going to trade out the onesie for the matching rose outfit and shoes.  

I'm ready for bed.  This post has been a while in coming.  I've tried to write for over 2 weeks now, but tonight was finally the night.  I'm feeling blessed tonight.  God's been good!  Love to all!  

Music with Gordon Mote

I've not felt great this week physically, hormonaly  and have been close to tears many times.  I've been grumpy and feeling like I'm on the edge of that pit called depression, but just looking in.

Last night I went with Tina Siesel to hear Gordon Mote, the blind, really amazing piano player from the Gaithers.  He started out with a song I haven't heard since youth group in the 80's, "Give Them All to Jesus".  The words and music just took me back, and as I listened to the words, a few tears started falling.  "Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life, and at the feet of Jesus lay them down."

He went on to some praise songs about Jesus, but it was too late.  Something was triggered in me, and my thoughts went down the path to the day of Cayla's funeral.  I guess because I was sitting with Tina that my mind went to afterwards when everyone was coming up to hug us and say goodbye to Cayla.  I was going through the motions and talking, hugging, some tears, listening to words of comfort  But when Tina stepped up, who's been there through so much for me and all of us during this whole time, I burst into tears and started weeping as I held her.  I couldn't stop.  I think someone had to come put a hand on me to keep me going.  Here I am remembering this last night, and in the middle of a wonderfully happy song, I started crying again.

Then my mind went to Sheena Wood after the funeral with a similar reaction when I saw her in the line with little Gideon strapped on the front of her.  Her words of comfort and just seeing Gideon for the first time at about a month old, was just precious.  I just wanted to take him and hold him so I grabbed both of them and openly wept.  This, is what was going through my mind while Gordon Mote was only on his 3rd song or so.

Then as I'm trying to get my focus back on the music, he starts sharing a story of a family that lost their child and proceeds to sing a song I assume he wrote about this family, and how their faith was helping those around them almost more than what people felt they were doing for them.  We can still have joy no matter what happens because of Jesus.  The song was about all that.  Yes, you know I really lost it and was doing everything in my power not to just openly weep.  Tina looked at me as I got a tissue out of my purse and gave me a hug.  The setting, the music... the Lord sending healing music.  I really was blessed and greatly encouraged by that song right along with the tears.

I don't know if there was a song in between or not, but shortly after that song, he sang, "Through It All".  If you know the words...  It was just another reminder of how great God is and that through it all I have learned about a life-changing faith and trust in Jesus Christ.  I'll find the words and post them at the bottom.  So, I sang along with him as I just lifted my face to heaven with the tears still flowing.  What a release!  The Lord knew I needed to be there and have wonderful music soothe my soul and remind me how awesome God is!  I appreciated his words after the song about what each of our "it's" are in "Through IT All".  We all have been through different things and God will be everything we need if we are willing to trust Him with our lives.  So uplifting!

After sharing from Gordon, some laughter and pictures of his family, he sang some songs and then came to one that started off sounding just like my friend Tina's life.  It was as if he knew we were coming and picked out songs about us...  ;o)  Okay maybe he didn't, but God did.  She cried through the blessings and reminders in that song.  Let's just say that everything about last night was just what this momma needed.  God is good like that.  Isn't He?

Afterwards, I got to see so many friends from our store that I hadn't seen in at least 2 years.  Saw friends from church, and then I shook Gordon's hand and was able to just simply tell him thank you for being a blessing to me tonight.  We got a group picture with Tina and my dear friend Ann Sutch who lent us all the big baby items for Cayla like the crib, bassinet and all that.

Just had to share my blessing last night.  I went down memory lane, cried, smiled, cried some more and was reminded of God's greatness in the good and the bad times.  :o)

Did I mention he plays the piano incredibly???  Oh, yes I did.  ;o)  He has a powerful, great voice as well.

Music is one of those things that within a moments notice can move me to tears.  I love to go to hear good, godly music that lifts me up.  I have few memories from childhood (to which I have learned I can credit the whole Celiac Disease to... topic for another time)  ;o)  but, I can remember times when our choir would sing songs at Barcroft Bible Church that would move me to tears even as a child.  I remember that feeling of my throat tightening and the tears starting on many occasions with solos or groups too.  I remember specifically crying at a Missionary Conference while the music was playing wondering what kind of mission field God would send me to.  I am thankful for the gift of music God has given us and how it can lift our spirits when other things can't.

Thankful to be able to go last night.  What a blessing!  Had to share.  Here's the words to "Through It All".

I've had many tears and sorrow, I've had questions for tomorrow,

There's been times I didn't know right from wrong.

But in every situation, God gave me blessed consolation

That my trials come to only make me strong.

Through it all, through it all, 

I've learned to trust in Jesus.  I've learned to trust in God.

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I've been to lots of places.  I've seen a lot of faces.

There's been times I felt so all alone.

But in my lonely hours, yes, those precious lonely hours,

Jesus let me know that I was His own.

I thank God for the mountains, and I thank Him for the valleys.

I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.

For if I'd never had a problem, I wouldn't know that He could solve them.

I'd never know what faith in God could do.

Through it all, through it all, 

I've learned to trust in Jesus.  I've learned to trust in God.

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to depend upon His Word.

Cayla's Little Joshie Doll

I've been thinking so much this past week and now that I sit here on the blog, I can't think of any of it...  Listening to a song about the greatness of God.  I'm a little distracted, but don't want to turn it off.  I like the many radio choices on iTunes.  There's something for every mood.

There's so much going on inside me.  I don't honestly know how to put it in words, but that's never seemed to stop me from trying before...  I've been wondering why I'm not really trying very hard to get a job.  Lowell's been trying to push me, albeit gently, but still pushing me to try harder.  This is the time people are hiring and I'm sitting back hiding.  So, I wasn't really trying to figure my actions out, but I had a meltdown last week which explained a lot to me.  Samuel could have probably done without the drama, but he graciously listened.  Part of me is realizing I'm at a point where I'm going to go back to work full-time, Lord-willing.  The only way that would happen is if I'm "done" raising my children.  Well, I'm done.  School's over for us.  Samuel will turn 18 in a month.  Cayla's in heaven.  In my tears and exasperation I felt the finality of it.  There is a little part of me that still feels like I shouldn't be at this crossroads, but I am. I truly have accepted Cayla's death and trust God's working through the good and the bad.  I guess that doesn't mean my emotions won't keep popping up here and there. These thoughts hit me earlier.

I went to Job and Family Services, at least I think that's what it's called, last Wednesday.  She gave me so much help and tips, I can hardly remember it all.  A possible job opportunity came up and I'll know by Wednesday, August 28th if I got the job or not.  I'm not worried either way because it's wonderful to trust Jesus to help me find the right job for me.

SOOO, I have to say... Sheena Wood and Jill Haskins have done a very special thing for me.  Jill had a little boy, Joshua, born in August of 2010.  He had the same congenital heart defect as Cayla did.  He lived about the same amount of time too, but he never got to leave the hospital.  Different circumstances, but still sweet little heart babies.  Jill has very transparently shared her very painful story with me and encouraged me as I went through the death of Cayla and guilt and grief.

In honor of her Joshie, she, being extremely talented, has started making Joshie Dolls.  The link to this page on Facebook is https://www.facebook.com/JoshieDolls.  You've go to check out the pictures of theses precious children and their dolls.  She sews each child's scars on to be identical to it's owner.  She places a little heart in the chest before she sows them back up.  It's just so sweet to see the children get their special Joshie Doll that's just like them.  I love scrolling through the pictures and seeing their before and after "surgery" pictures.  Those that help her and Jill herself do this all voluntarily.  They don't make money off of them.  The cost is reflective of the cost it takes to make them.  I thought that since Cayla has died, I don't need one, but they sure are fun to look at!

Well, Sheena Wood, who introduced me to Jill, and Jill got in on this together and made a Joshie Doll for us.  She even was able to use a foot that wouldn't go straight to copy Cayla's club foot.  :o)  She's so sweet.  When Sheena brought the doll by last week, under the auspice of bringing me some Chex Puppy Chow, I couldn't help myself and started crying when I realized what was in the bag.  I feel so blessed.  Such a sweet little Cayla/Joshie Doll!  Check out their page and pass it on to anyone who has a child with a Congenital Heart Defect.

So, Jill, a huge thanks to you for your talent and heart.  Sheena, a huge thanks to you for your love for people and making them know they're special.  You both are very special people, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you!  She's precious!

$0.00 Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider

It's Friday morning and I just got off the phone with Cleveland Clinic.  On that phone call I heard the words, "Your account is at $0.00.  You owe nothing more."  I asked her to repeat it since I've heard that before, and she did.  I asked her if that was for all 3 accounts we had there, and she said, "Yes.  I can guarantee you 100% that you owe nothing else to Cleveland Clinic and will not receive a bill for Cayla again."  I couldn't help myself and burst into tears on the phone.  I'm still crying/weeping as I type.  It's like something inside me has snapped.  I can't stop crying.  It's just a huge release of pressure or something.  I don't know if it's because of the finality of it all or that the last bill of $2,365.00 we got in May, has been covered by God through the Bureau for Children with Medical Handicaps and Cleveland Clinic.  I think it's because of both.  It's good Samuel's out running and not here to hear me wail like this...  I'm sure I'll cry all over again when I tell him and then again when I tell Lowell when he calls at lunch.  Maybe I should wait and tell him after work.  No, I don't think I can.

God has been so, so good to us.  He has taught us to rely on Him for our needs and in the process supplied some of our wants.  He's good like that.  I feel so utterly undeserving of His goodness right now, but am so overwhelmed and thankful for it. What comes to mind is Psalm 136 - God's mercy endures forever!  I've got to add some of those verses.  Here's verses 1-9 and 23-26.

O Give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

O give thanks unto the God of gods:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

O give thanks to the Lord of lords:  for his mercy endureth for ever. 

To him who alone doeth great wonders:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

To him that stretched out the earth above the waters:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

To him that made great lights:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

The sun to rule by day:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

The moon and stars to rule by night:  for his mercy endureth for ever...

Who remembered us in our low estate:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

And hath redeemed us from our enemies:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

Who giveth food to all flesh:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

O give thanks unto the God of heaven:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

You know, I tried to tell her thank you as a representative of CC and apologize for my outburst and inability to stop crying, but she just told me to go on crying and it's "all good".  She's going to send me a bill that shows everything at $0.00 and will settle the account out completely with Medical Mutual.  She said she'd put her name and ID# on the bill to hold her to everything she said on the phone.  

God is still showing how great He is through the life of our precious Cayla Joy!   He knows where we're at in every aspect of our lives!  He allows us to get to certain places in our life to see if we really are trusting Him.  He wants to bless us, but also wants our obedience.

Well, I'm settled down.  Feeling exhausted, relieved, and unsure what to do with myself.  I've wanted to write here over the past month or so, but have been unable to.  It's not that I've been too emotional to write or even depressed, just that I either didn't know what to say or how to say it.  I never even tried to sit down and write.  I have to have something to say, for the most part, or I can't write.  I can't just sit and write that Cayla died a year ago.  I don't know what else to say.  I've shed my tears, laughed and loved with her through pictures.  It is what it is.  God made her for this very specific purpose, and she's His, in His arms.  As much as I've always wanted more children, I truly am okay with all that has happened.  I hope I've learned and done what God intended to accomplish through my beautiful daughter's life.  I'm blessed too because I can see some of how God used her life.  I know many people lose children or loved ones, and don't see the purpose for it until heaven.  God has worked in many people's hearts because of Cayla Joy, and souls have been saved.  What an honor.  I'll say it again, I truly am okay with all that's happened.  Would I have done it this way?  No.  Am I God?  No.  Would I rather trust a perfect God?  Absolutely.

I've mentioned this before, but I don't think in the blog.  There's a song called "God's Been Good".  It has a line in the chorus that says, "and though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could...".  I wanted to sing this song Sunday, June 23rd since Cayla died the 22nd, but couldn't because of that line.  I know God has done things in our lives through Cayla's life and death that couldn't have been accomplished any other way.  He's changed me through this, but I can't truly say that line.  Yet.  I do wish she could have lived.  I do wish she would have been healthy.  I do wish I still had my little girl.  God could still have used her life for His glory.  I'm not trying to undo all the good that God has done and is doing because of Cayla's life and death, I'm just being honest.  Every time I came to that line, I felt like a liar.  I just skipped it, but knew I couldn't sing  the song if I didn't believe what I was singing, which is sad because it's such a good song.  Oh well, there's another song on PCC's album "God Is Good" called "Even in the Valley".  This one I'll have to sing with Larina.  It's all good!  Someday, I do hope to be able to sing that line.  I'm just not there yet.

I've been gone all evening and our internet went out this afternoon, so I'll have to finish this tomorrow.

Well, we're now home from hiking at Nelson's Ledges, and it's 2:30 pm Saturday afternoon.  I'm so tired, but feeling great.

So, I'm facing an empty nest, and part of me flinches when I say that.  It's going to be okay.  We will just always continue to go through events in life and wonder what life would be like if Cayla were with us.  That is just something we will do.  Even sitting at my brother's bonfire while everyone was making s'mores last Saturday night, I started quietly crying in the dark just trying to picture Cayla with all her cousins.  When we went to Columbus for Samuel's graduation in June, we sat around talking about how that weekend would be different with Cayla.  Would we have been able to do and go to all the places we did?  Which made us stop and think about where she'd be in the line of surgeries.  Who knows?  But these conversations will pop up randomly throughout our lives. Sometimes there's sweet tears, sometimes there's smiles and stories.  God's love and comfort is always there.  His perspective.  It changes everything.  I am learning to sit and listen more.  I don't think I've done a whole lot of listening at times with God.  I talk, I read, I ask forgiveness and ask for needs, then I run off again into my day.  Listening is good.  I wish I'd done more of it in the past.

So thinking about what's coming up this week.  Wednesday, July 17th, will be our 20th anniversary!  I keep telling everyone I deserve a medal.  Well, if I do, he does too.  I might seem all sweet and kind and outgoing and all, but like I said earlier, I'm not always a good listener nor a good follower.  He's put up with his share of craziness from me and I with him.  You know, you ask a person why they love someone and they can say all sorts of nice things about them, but in a marriage it's not always full of all the nice things they do.  There's a lot of other junk that rears its ugly head.  Why I know I will always love Lowell is because when the ugly stuff happens, I can get mad - he can get mad, and in the midst of it all, I can look at him and still have such unexplainable love for him.  I can complain, but I can also forgive.  We are anything but perfect, but no matter what happens, I know he loves me even at my worst.  We made our vows, "Till death do us part."  It is the Lord helping us to love when we don't feel like it.  It's the Lord opening our eyes to what we need to do to change and keep the marriage going.  It's not about changing the other person.  The Lord knows we've both tried!  Ha!  Anyways, God's working in us and keeping our marriage strong through the hard times.   Who knows what the next 20 years will hold!

Well, we've been busy with Samuel's graduation.  That went so well and right into his open house the next weekend with lots of family here.  We are praying for Samuel as he makes decisions for his future.  He's still looking into the Air Force.  I will be happy with him anywhere if that's where God wants him.  Military or not.  We went to Virginia to see my brother Jim and his family and my dad and Pat.  Very good to relax a little and get a change of scenery with family.  Got to see Kim Yeatts and Debbie Fitts while we were there too.

Thanks for listening and rejoicing with us over God providing for us!  Pray for me and Samuel to find jobs.  For Lowell as he works through the loss of Cayla in his own way, which is nothing like me.  We all handle grief differently.  So we love and appreciate you all and your prayers!

My brother and his family of 9.  Kim Yeatts and 3 of her girls.
Debbie Fitts and 5 of her children, and the 3 of us at the
Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum near Dulles International Airport, Northern Virginia.

Debbie, me and Kim

Debbie and I.  Went to youth group together back in the good old 80's.  

Kim and I.  We met when we were 5 years old back in the day...  almost 40 years ago.  

The Space Shuttle 'Discovery' that was flown in by piggy-back last fall on its final flight.

My guys.

Samuel's graduation open house

Samuel with Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, Aunt Cathie and Matt, and cousins Hannah and Sheylyn
 at the Columbus Convention Center.