March 2013 (don't know what else to call it...)

I start writing at times and then never publish it to my blog.  I guess I can go back and publish this from earlier in the month.  Looking at my calendar, this first part was a couple of weeks ago.  I started writing a little more some time later and I guess I'll finish it today, March 24th.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Well, I dropped Lowell off at work around 8:20 this morning and didn't have to be to my Bible study until 9:30.  Not being far from Jefferson, I decided to drive down to Lenox Cemetery.  It was around 30 degrees out, the ground was frozen and covered with frost and snow in places, yet I sat down there next to the wreath, cross, and little angel in front of Cayla's grave.  As I talked to God, the tears just started flowing.  I couldn't stop them.  I really didn't want to.  As I sat there loudly weeping, I had the fleeting thought that I was glad I was off the beaten path.  I'm not sure what set me off, but probably just the setting was enough to trigger the onslaught of tears.  I lost track of time, and without realizing it, found myself frozen there about 40 minutes later.  I thought it had been maybe 10 or 15 minutes, but the quiet, peaceful, reflective, and overwhelming setting allowed me the chance to just let it all out and pour my heart out to God.  Nothing held back.

It felt good to be there and talk to God about Cayla Joy.  A lot of back and forth, getting-things-off-my-chest kind of talk went on.  There's just a part of us finite human beings that so badly wants to understand an infinite God.  I wish I knew the mind of God.  I wish I understood all of this.  At times I wish I could have just had a healthy baby girl and was now just enjoying my little treasure of a baby girl.  God finally allowed me to have another baby, and this is where I start having pity parties with myself.   Once I start thinking of how so many people are blessed with  many children, and now 16 years later, I am blessed with a baby girl only to lose her, I can work myself up into a quite a crying spree in seconds.  But God.  He knows the beginning to the ending and sees the whole picture.  I know I go on about Cayla at times, but the discouraging thoughts usually are turned over to God and then I'm okay.  It's okay to ask why, as long as I accept and learn from any part of an answer I may get.  It is wrong when I let my unanswered whys cause me to sin though.

All this to say that I'm still here with human emotions.  God's still the same perfect and holy God.  I read this quote recently, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we've been given."  And I must say He's very good at His job!  I do understand how God has used Cayla's short life for His glory.  There is no question there, but I also understand that I miss my baby girl something awful.

March 24th
I seem to only post when I've been crying.  I guess if I'm doing okay and talking about Cayla without crying then what's there to write about?  ;o)

I recently gave some verses to my friend who's going through a very, very hard time.  Today, March 24th, I've been struggling through my emotions of missing Cayla being that she'd be 11 months old today.   Last night there were tears and today there are tears at times.  I'm good about being able to "keep busy" so I can't just sit and think about it.  A little bit ago, God brought those same verses to me, and I realized if they're good for her, they're probably good for me too.  So, I looked them up again today...

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
we are perplexed, but not in despair; 

Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"

2 Corinthians 4:8,9

"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish,

yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,

worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen:

for the things which are seen are temporal;
but the things which are not seen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe."

Proverbs 18:10

"I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord:  be of good courage,
and he shall strengthen thine heart:

wait, I say, on the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14

"Hast thou not known?  hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, 

the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? 

there is no searching of his understanding. 

He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

Had to share these.  There is so much to look forward to in eternity.  There is so much strength available for the here and now, no matter what I face.  I am not utilizing the power I have through Jesus Christ. I need to, so I can wait on Him.  Rest in Him.  Trust Him.  I will run to Him and be safe and strong, not weary or faint.  God knows just what I need.  Amazing how a time a prayer with Jesus will change a lot.  I will still cry at times and grieve the loss of my precious Cayla Joy, but that's not the end of the story which allows me pick myself back up and keep moving on.  

Thank you Jesus!

Some sweet pictures my brother John and sister-in-law Lisa took when they visited about 2 weeks before she died.  So precious!  Thank you Jesus for such a precious girl and time with her!  You can click on pictures to see them bigger.  :o)