Sunday, September 9, 2012

Samuel and Some Thoughts

Well, we'd be getting ready for Cayla's 2nd heart surgery this week probably.  I am happy for her not having to go through all the surgeries, pain, recoveries and all that goes with it.  The Lord knows we'd be right there helping her through it all.  He chose to spare her.  I am happy for my girl, but... but what?  I wish her back here to go through it all?  I guess I can't say that.  She's perfect now.  No abnormalities on her.  No surgeries lined up.  I guess I really can't wish her back here.  But, I guess I can say, I miss her.  I do wish it didn't have to be this way.  Still, even though I miss her tremendously, God has given me a peace about her life.  I know I cry, I feel lost at times, I don't function the way I used to, but that's just my human side coming out.  I have a great Lord.  I can smile about her more and more as the Lord's great peace just settles in and stays. 

I have to share Psalm 27:4, "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." When I hear the phrase, "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord..." I think of Psalm 23:6.  It ends that phrase with the word "forever".  But Psalm 27:4 ends that phrase with, "all the days of my life."  That's right now, not just eternity.  I've always thought of that phrase as just referring to heaven, but this verse refers to now, here, on earth, while I'm still living I can dwell in the house of the Lord.  That is an awesome thought if you let it sink in.  Every day of my life, however long or short that may be, I can chose to live with the Lord and hang out at His place anytime I want to!  I'd guess that if I had a friend who was a billionaire and was given access to their house anytime, I'd be going there as often as I could, and I'd be wanting to show my other friends what this place was like.  How much more amazing is it to walk each day of this life on earth in the presence of the Lord and dwell where He dwells.  To see His wonderful beauty and ask Him whatever I want to.  Well, we can.  It's our choice.  To spend our days in squalor, living on the streets, or to step into that beautiful place of peace and trust.  I can't imagine anyone literally choosing to live on the streets with a house like that available, but spiritually we do it all the time. We can chose to trust God, to dwell in His house all day long, or we can live life the way we do... with anger, mistrust, fear, pride, disobedience and the list goes on.  Just a thought that struck me when Mrs. Emery, my pastor's wife, read this verse in her devotional the other day.  Thought I'd share my thoughts.

Verses like this lift my spirit tremendously.  I just want to yell it on the housetops that God is real!  The Bible is everything it says it is.  God is everything He says He is.  And I can say this, not because it's just what I believe, but because I've experienced it.  I've experienced living with God.  I don't know what you believe, but if you just believe something because that's what you've been taught, it's popular, or think is right, you've got nothing on personally knowing something's real because you've felt it.  I can't explain it.  I can't explain the overwhelming peace God gave when my baby died.  I can't explain a lot of things that God has done these last 2-4 months in my life.  But I can say He's real.  The Bible is 100% true.  I've experienced it!  Just had to share.  My fingers are just typing away as I sit here this Sunday afternoon.  I sat down, not having a clue what I wanted to write, but just started writing. 

This is what pulls me up out of my depression.  I talk about Cayla alot.  That helps.  I talk to people alot.  That helps.  I read my Bible.  That really helps.  I pour my heart out to God.  That gives me peace.  I write this all out.  That helps me more than all the talking I could muster up (trust me that's alot...).  People are wonderful, don't get me wrong.  All my talking helps me and thank you to all you listeners who put up with me.  But my strength to get through each day only comes from the Lord.  He is my all in all.  I guess I just want everyone reading this to grasp a picture of what your life could be like if you truly gave it all to Him. 

I sang a song a couple of weeks ago called, "You Will Always Be A Child".  It's God talking to us.  We will always be a child in His eyes.  It's like being 5 years old and having no worries about tomorrow, mom and dad are taking care of it.  Kids don't worry about stuff.  Neither should we.  If you're God's child, you've got a heavenly Father taking care of you.  Think of yourself as being 5 again.  Trust Him with all the details of your life.  If you're not God's child, you really need to reconsider. I was just talking to my mother-in-law Thursday about this.  I so badly want another baby girl to hold in my arms and love, but just as much as I want this, I don't want it.  I don't know if I can write out my meaning.  I'm 42.  Lowell's 52. The thought of raising Cayla was overwhelming in itself.  I could push and pray that God gives us another child.  What if it's not the best thing for us?  What if it's not in God's perfect plan for our lives?  Would I want to push God to do something that I want when He might have a perfect will and plan for our lives that might be even better?  Never.  I want a baby, but I don't. I'm ok, not ever having another child again.  All this confusion is where God comes in.  I'm not going to push one way or another.  I can just tell God that I want His best for us, whatever that may be. Period.  No more confusion.  No more stress.  No more worrying.  It's in His hands and when your life is in perfect hands, you have nothing, I said nothing to worry about.  Love it!!

My mother-in-law and I did our last trek out to Hillcrest Hospital again last Thursday.  At least I think it should be our last trek.  With life, you never know.  I've been trying to donate all the breast milk in my deep freezer.  It's taking a while to get the ball rolling, but we're making progress.  It's good for up to 6 months and time is running out.  The milk bank of Ohio is very low on supply, so I would love to have this go to help another little baby.  Cayla had to have donor milk at one point, so I'm happy to have it to give.  I would guess I have about 130-150 ounces of milk in my freezer.  I had to keep pumping so when she could have my milk, I could keep up with her demand.  Anyways,  Hillcrest is the closest hospital that will do the necessary blood work for free, so we went with the kit they sent and had my blood drawn.  Well, I couldn't go to Hilcrest without stopping to see Dr. Rajabi.  He thought he got rid of me a long time ago... :o)  Well, I keep coming back to haunt him.  :o)  Going there to my appointments, even though I knew Cayla only had half a heart that worked, was such a high point for me.  I was pregnant again.  I was going to have a baby.  Yeah, she had problems, but it was still a time of great excitement for me.  So going back up there to Dr. Rajabi's office was remembering good times for me.  I would love to go back to Cleveland Clinic and see the doctors and nurses there too.  It was a hard time, but it was where Cayla was.  It's a special place to me.  They're all special people to me.  I know I won't since I don't really have a reason to go back, but since I was already at Hillcrest, I couldn't help myself  from stopping in to say Hi up on 4th floor.

Well, there went my Sunday afternoon... I always feel good after I sit and write in the blog.  I should do it more, but I feel like anything I type here should have to do with Cayla.  So I share some stuff on facebook and every now and then, on the blog.  I guess I'll share some pictures I've recently put on facebook on here too. 

I did take some pictures last night of the 8 long-stem pink roses my Dad and Pat got at Cayla's homegoing service from June.  I arranged them and let them dry and we'll see how long they last.  They look very pretty I think for just sitting in a bowl.  They chose 8 because she was 8 weeks old.  One for each week of her little life. 

I'll close this post with Samuel.  He's a senior this year.  He's still 16 at least for 2 more weeks.  Here's some pictures from the first day of 12th grade...

He said the sun was in his eyes.  :o)  My bright eyed and bushy tailed son. 
We've been walking/running every school morning.  We've done it now for 4 weeks.  We go to the Greenway Trail which is 41 miles long from Ashtabula straight south into the next county.  It used to be a railroad track and now it's a gorgeous stretch of God's creation.  We've been going anywhere from 2-3 and 1/2 miles a day.  We're thinking about running (and walking) a 5K.  I think there's one on Thanksgiving morning.  We'll see.  Here's some pictures of where we run.  It's beautiful and I can't wait until the leaves start changing for fall!  I have to say that he even went this week by himself the 2 days I wasn't feeling good.  I'm proud of him and how he's maturing and letting God change him into the man He wants him to be.