Monday, February 18, 2013

Cayla's little grave marker and Hope

 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? 
Hope thou in God:  
for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."  
Psalm 42:11

Years ago I used to wonder how people could let themselves get so despondent to the point they were unable to get out of that deep pit of depression.  "Just get up and do something for someone else."  "Ask for help."  "Look around you at all the good there still is in life."  These are thoughts you just want them to think about and do.  It's not that hard...  Yeah.  Right.  I'd have to say my thoughts have changed a bit this past year.  I do admit it's hard to get out once you've let yourself go there, because as long as you stay there, you keep moving deeper into the pit.

I've been blessed being God's child, that even when I was working my way down into that pit, I always had a life line attached to me.  I've been in that pit, hung over the edge, hovered at the top, walked away from it, and went back to the edge many times this past year in my grieving process.  Thanks to Jesus, I've been able to get out and walk away from it.   Yes, I've had bouts of depression as I've grieved over Cayla, and even these past couple of days, I've just found myself missing her so much.  I cry wanting to hold her, kiss her and just love all over her again.  I can't help it.  I cried hearing the song Saturday, "Serenaded by Angels".  I've not been able to focus on the words I read in the Bible, or to pray and talk to God.  Then all of the sudden, I read a verse like Psalm 42:11 and my hope and peace are there replacing grieving and sadness.  I guess I need to remember to keep reading the Bible even when I don't want to or don't think I can.  God will speak to me and remind me of the hope I have in Him.

Tonight, Monday, I'm still just seeming to be on the verge of tears at any given moment, yet haven't cried.  I still feel that heaviness in my heart, but it's okay, because even though right now I can't seem to get it to go away, I'm still somehow at peace because I know God is there.  I know God is still working in me and holding me.  He will heal my countenance.  He is my God.  These feelings will come, but I know they won't stay. He will let me cry and comfort me.  He doesn't say He'll take all the pain away, just be there with me through it to ease it.  That's kind of where I'm at right now.  Well, now that I'm typing my thoughts out, it's making me cry.  Of course I'm laughing now too because I'm crying over my writing.  Crazy emotions and I'm not even hormonal... :o)

Who knew that our countenance could have health issues?  I love the part where He "is the health of my countenance".  He is my ability to smile, laugh, sing no matter what.  He heals the frowns, tears and crying.   I will praise Him.  Yes, I will praise Him!   The struggles will still be there, but so will my hope because of Him.

Yesterday, we all (Lowell, his mom, Samuel, and I) went to Cayla's grave.  We haven't had the money to put a headstone at her grave yet.  This summer we are planning on doing that.  Meanwhile, it's been bothering Lowell that there's nothing there saying who she was or even what her little precious name was.  So, Lowell went to Hobby Lobby, and he and Samuel bought a plain wood plaque, some plain wooden letters, stickers, spray paint and shellac.  He painted the letters and the background and asked me to put them on the plaque somehow and then he shellacked the whole thing.

We've kept the wreath up from her funeral and a while ago, put some fake red berries around it for the winter.  Well, Lowell was ready to put his plaque up for Cayla for the next couple of months.  So that's what we did yesterday after church.  It's just a sign telling all that our precious Cayla Joy's little body lies here.  It's sweet though, especially since Daddy did it with lots of love.  Once the weather clears up and spring decides to come, we'll do a little something more there, but until then, I just love our reminder of our precious Cayla Joy.  :o)   Lots of love!