Friday, June 22, 2012

... the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away

"... the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21
"Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits."
Psalm 103:1,2
"I cried unto the LORD with my voice;
with my voice unto the LORD did I make my supplication.
I poured out my complaint before him; I shewed before him my trouble.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path."
Psalm 142:1-3
"In the day when I cried thou answeredst me,
and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul."
Psalm 138:3
"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust:
cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee."
Psalm 143:8
"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3
"Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God :for unto thee will I pray.
My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD.
In the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up."
Psalm 5:2,3
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried:
he is a buckler to all those that trust in him."
Psalms 18:30
Overwhelmed but at peace; numb but feeling God's peace and strength; weeping yet calmly resting in His hands; heartbroken but knowing God is the healer of broken hearts; struggling to understand but very willing to trust.  I so fully believe and cry out every one of these verses to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who is everything we need to get through something like the loss of a child.

I really don't know what to write.  I do know that I need to write this out now while I'm still kind of numb and in shock and not later.  God has chosen to take our precious Cayla Joy home with Him in heaven.  I hurt.  Deeply. We all do.  I want to trust God's plan and I do, but the tears are ever on the surface and spilling over.  I will praise Him forever for the 2 months He gave her to us!  Very labor-intensive months, but ones I will never regret or forget.  Actually we had her and enjoyed her for more than those 2 months.  I enjoyed her, for the most part, throughout the pregnancy too!

What a strange and very sad day today is.  Cayla had a very bad diaper rash that we found out is from her little bottom problem.  She had just been to the pediatrician yesterday and seemed fine, even had her immunizations and seemed to do just fine.  She woke up throughout the night and just cried with no real provocation.  She spit up 3 times after she ate at 7:30 this morning and then when I fed her again at 10, I think she spit up one more time.  I went to change her diaper again and noticed it was not looking right at all.  She was kind of making this weird crying noise.  At this point she was unresponsive and actually never did regain that responsiveness.  So, Samuel and I hooked her up to the pulse ox machine and she was around 85-97 (only supposed to be between 75 and 90).  Then I looked at her laying on the bed and realized something wasn't right.  Her eyes had now rolled up in her head, she was whitish-purple, and was breathing really hard.  I called the pediatrician back to see if she was having a reaction to her shots and she said to bring her right in.  So, I knew this was another re-admittance to the hospital, got dressed and threw some clothes in a bag and ran out the door with Samuel.  She was almost in a trance.  Her eyes hadn't moved and she was very methodically making a strange noise.  I debated whether to take her to 4th floor to her pediatrician or the ER.  The nurse said that since Dr. El Gammal had just seen her yesterday that she would think I should bring her up to see her today and go from there, so I did.  I waited, in the room and finally went to the nurse and said, if she can't see her right away, I just need to go to the ER and get her on her way to Cleveland Clinic.  Well, the doctor came running in then, took one look,  called the ER and I don't know who else and thus it all started.  Dr. El Gammal carried her to the ER herself and spent the rest of the day by her side. 

They tried to life-flight her to CC, but couldn't get a chopper here right away.  Then when they arrived, she wasn't stable and never made the trip.  This all started around 10:30-11am this morning at home and she died at 3:05pm this afternoon.  They did everything they possibly could.  I didn't realize she was that serious the whole time until they asked us to go the family waiting room and a doctor would come talk to us.  Then I knew and couldn't believe it.  I was just so sure this was going to be another visit to the hospital, maybe even a long one, but then we'd come home.  That's when it hit me and I lost it.  While we were waiting for the doctor, Pastor and Mrs. Emery walked through the door!  They had heard we were here and decided to turn around and stop by to see us before we went.  A few minutes later the doctor came in and told us she was gone.  I'm not exactly even sure what the actual cause of death was.  Her bottom had become infected and got in her blood stream I believe.  The doctor said at one point she was septic, but I had no idea what that meant and asked her, but still didn't realize how serious it was.  I believe from what I've picked up, that her body didn't have a good way to fight that infection and so with little resistance it spread quickly right through her and to her heart and her little heart couldn't take it. 

Everything has happened so fast.  I am obviously still in shock or numb or something.  I'm sitting here writing after weeping for my baby girl that is now gone even though I'm not crying as I type and will probably cry again when I'm done.  But I'm kind of in a stupor as I type.  No, you know what... it's not a stupor.  It's answers to your prayers.  Underlying throughout this whole day has been a peace.  I honestly can only explain it as that peace that passes all understanding coming only from God.  He is everything in this situation.  He knows the beginning from the end, and I WILL trust Him no matter what comes my way.  He gave us this precious girl and has taken her back.  He can do that and we will give her back to Him and thank Him for the wonderful time He gave her to us.  I am not just saying words, I feel this truth deep into my soul.  God is in control.  To God be the glory for this beautiful little baby girl He shared with us!

It will be hard getting back into life after being so consumed 24/7 with Cayla and her needs.  God will give us all the strength to get through each day though.  I don't look forward to readjusting to life without her.  Samuel was really coming around and losing his inhibitions with her.  He was really feeling comfortable holding and handling her without feeling like he was hurting her or something.  He feels he should have spent more time with her, and Lowell and I keep second-guessing every decision we've made in the last week that maybe could have prevented it.  Please pray for us to not go down these destructive paths of "What if I'd..." or "Why didn't I...".   We know so many of you are praying for us and we thank you for that so, so much.  It's those prayers that have got us through this day already.  Samuel went ahead and went on the bike ride with the teens and others down the Greenway Trail this evening, and is down at the church cooking hotdogs at the bonfire.  I'm glad that was tonight.  It was good for him to get away and do that today. 

I am done talking/typing.  God is still God in our lives and will never change or alter in any way.  It's that steadfastness, faithfulness and compassion of God that is our strength.  If He's not been part of your life, don't wait any longer.  He's lovingly waiting for each of us to respond to Him and realize our need for Him.   He is a comfort that is unexplainable.  Thanks again for the prayers and support.  Love to you all.

She found her thumb for the first time. 

Samuel and Cayla bonding

Daddy getting Cayla to laugh.  The only time we were able to catch it on camera.