I've been thinking so much this past week and now that I sit here on the blog, I can't think of any of it... Listening to a song about the greatness of God. I'm a little distracted, but don't want to turn it off. I like the many radio choices on iTunes. There's something for every mood.
There's so much going on inside me. I don't honestly know how to put it in words, but that's never seemed to stop me from trying before... I've been wondering why I'm not really trying very hard to get a job. Lowell's been trying to push me, albeit gently, but still pushing me to try harder. This is the time people are hiring and I'm sitting back hiding. So, I wasn't really trying to figure my actions out, but I had a meltdown last week which explained a lot to me. Samuel could have probably done without the drama, but he graciously listened. Part of me is realizing I'm at a point where I'm going to go back to work full-time, Lord-willing. The only way that would happen is if I'm "done" raising my children. Well, I'm done. School's over for us. Samuel will turn 18 in a month. Cayla's in heaven. In my tears and exasperation I felt the finality of it. There is a little part of me that still feels like I shouldn't be at this crossroads, but I am. I truly have accepted Cayla's death and trust God's working through the good and the bad. I guess that doesn't mean my emotions won't keep popping up here and there. These thoughts hit me earlier.
I went to Job and Family Services, at least I think that's what it's called, last Wednesday. She gave me so much help and tips, I can hardly remember it all. A possible job opportunity came up and I'll know by Wednesday, August 28th if I got the job or not. I'm not worried either way because it's wonderful to trust Jesus to help me find the right job for me.
SOOO, I have to say... Sheena Wood and Jill Haskins have done a very special thing for me. Jill had a little boy, Joshua, born in August of 2010. He had the same congenital heart defect as Cayla did. He lived about the same amount of time too, but he never got to leave the hospital. Different circumstances, but still sweet little heart babies. Jill has very transparently shared her very painful story with me and encouraged me as I went through the death of Cayla and guilt and grief.
In honor of her Joshie, she, being extremely talented, has started making Joshie Dolls. The link to this page on Facebook is https://www.facebook.com/JoshieDolls. You've go to check out the pictures of theses precious children and their dolls. She sews each child's scars on to be identical to it's owner. She places a little heart in the chest before she sows them back up. It's just so sweet to see the children get their special Joshie Doll that's just like them. I love scrolling through the pictures and seeing their before and after "surgery" pictures. Those that help her and Jill herself do this all voluntarily. They don't make money off of them. The cost is reflective of the cost it takes to make them. I thought that since Cayla has died, I don't need one, but they sure are fun to look at!
Well, Sheena Wood, who introduced me to Jill, and Jill got in on this together and made a Joshie Doll for us. She even was able to use a foot that wouldn't go straight to copy Cayla's club foot. :o) She's so sweet. When Sheena brought the doll by last week, under the auspice of bringing me some Chex Puppy Chow, I couldn't help myself and started crying when I realized what was in the bag. I feel so blessed. Such a sweet little Cayla/Joshie Doll! Check out their page and pass it on to anyone who has a child with a Congenital Heart Defect.