Saturday, July 13, 2013

$0.00 Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider

It's Friday morning and I just got off the phone with Cleveland Clinic.  On that phone call I heard the words, "Your account is at $0.00.  You owe nothing more."  I asked her to repeat it since I've heard that before, and she did.  I asked her if that was for all 3 accounts we had there, and she said, "Yes.  I can guarantee you 100% that you owe nothing else to Cleveland Clinic and will not receive a bill for Cayla again."  I couldn't help myself and burst into tears on the phone.  I'm still crying/weeping as I type.  It's like something inside me has snapped.  I can't stop crying.  It's just a huge release of pressure or something.  I don't know if it's because of the finality of it all or that the last bill of $2,365.00 we got in May, has been covered by God through the Bureau for Children with Medical Handicaps and Cleveland Clinic.  I think it's because of both.  It's good Samuel's out running and not here to hear me wail like this...  I'm sure I'll cry all over again when I tell him and then again when I tell Lowell when he calls at lunch.  Maybe I should wait and tell him after work.  No, I don't think I can.

God has been so, so good to us.  He has taught us to rely on Him for our needs and in the process supplied some of our wants.  He's good like that.  I feel so utterly undeserving of His goodness right now, but am so overwhelmed and thankful for it. What comes to mind is Psalm 136 - God's mercy endures forever!  I've got to add some of those verses.  Here's verses 1-9 and 23-26.

O Give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.
O give thanks unto the God of gods:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
O give thanks to the Lord of lords:  for his mercy endureth for ever. 
To him who alone doeth great wonders:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
To him that stretched out the earth above the waters:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
To him that made great lights:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
The sun to rule by day:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
The moon and stars to rule by night:  for his mercy endureth for ever...
Who remembered us in our low estate:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
And hath redeemed us from our enemies:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
Who giveth food to all flesh:  for his mercy endureth for ever.
O give thanks unto the God of heaven:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

You know, I tried to tell her thank you as a representative of CC and apologize for my outburst and inability to stop crying, but she just told me to go on crying and it's "all good".  She's going to send me a bill that shows everything at $0.00 and will settle the account out completely with Medical Mutual.  She said she'd put her name and ID# on the bill to hold her to everything she said on the phone.  

God is still showing how great He is through the life of our precious Cayla Joy!   He knows where we're at in every aspect of our lives!  He allows us to get to certain places in our life to see if we really are trusting Him.  He wants to bless us, but also wants our obedience.

Well, I'm settled down.  Feeling exhausted, relieved, and unsure what to do with myself.  I've wanted to write here over the past month or so, but have been unable to.  It's not that I've been too emotional to write or even depressed, just that I either didn't know what to say or how to say it.  I never even tried to sit down and write.  I have to have something to say, for the most part, or I can't write.  I can't just sit and write that Cayla died a year ago.  I don't know what else to say.  I've shed my tears, laughed and loved with her through pictures.  It is what it is.  God made her for this very specific purpose, and she's His, in His arms.  As much as I've always wanted more children, I truly am okay with all that has happened.  I hope I've learned and done what God intended to accomplish through my beautiful daughter's life.  I'm blessed too because I can see some of how God used her life.  I know many people lose children or loved ones, and don't see the purpose for it until heaven.  God has worked in many people's hearts because of Cayla Joy, and souls have been saved.  What an honor.  I'll say it again, I truly am okay with all that's happened.  Would I have done it this way?  No.  Am I God?  No.  Would I rather trust a perfect God?  Absolutely.

I've mentioned this before, but I don't think in the blog.  There's a song called "God's Been Good".  It has a line in the chorus that says, "and though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could...".  I wanted to sing this song Sunday, June 23rd since Cayla died the 22nd, but couldn't because of that line.  I know God has done things in our lives through Cayla's life and death that couldn't have been accomplished any other way.  He's changed me through this, but I can't truly say that line.  Yet.  I do wish she could have lived.  I do wish she would have been healthy.  I do wish I still had my little girl.  God could still have used her life for His glory.  I'm not trying to undo all the good that God has done and is doing because of Cayla's life and death, I'm just being honest.  Every time I came to that line, I felt like a liar.  I just skipped it, but knew I couldn't sing  the song if I didn't believe what I was singing, which is sad because it's such a good song.  Oh well, there's another song on PCC's album "God Is Good" called "Even in the Valley".  This one I'll have to sing with Larina.  It's all good!  Someday, I do hope to be able to sing that line.  I'm just not there yet.

I've been gone all evening and our internet went out this afternoon, so I'll have to finish this tomorrow.

Well, we're now home from hiking at Nelson's Ledges, and it's 2:30 pm Saturday afternoon.  I'm so tired, but feeling great.

So, I'm facing an empty nest, and part of me flinches when I say that.  It's going to be okay.  We will just always continue to go through events in life and wonder what life would be like if Cayla were with us.  That is just something we will do.  Even sitting at my brother's bonfire while everyone was making s'mores last Saturday night, I started quietly crying in the dark just trying to picture Cayla with all her cousins.  When we went to Columbus for Samuel's graduation in June, we sat around talking about how that weekend would be different with Cayla.  Would we have been able to do and go to all the places we did?  Which made us stop and think about where she'd be in the line of surgeries.  Who knows?  But these conversations will pop up randomly throughout our lives. Sometimes there's sweet tears, sometimes there's smiles and stories.  God's love and comfort is always there.  His perspective.  It changes everything.  I am learning to sit and listen more.  I don't think I've done a whole lot of listening at times with God.  I talk, I read, I ask forgiveness and ask for needs, then I run off again into my day.  Listening is good.  I wish I'd done more of it in the past.

So thinking about what's coming up this week.  Wednesday, July 17th, will be our 20th anniversary!  I keep telling everyone I deserve a medal.  Well, if I do, he does too.  I might seem all sweet and kind and outgoing and all, but like I said earlier, I'm not always a good listener nor a good follower.  He's put up with his share of craziness from me and I with him.  You know, you ask a person why they love someone and they can say all sorts of nice things about them, but in a marriage it's not always full of all the nice things they do.  There's a lot of other junk that rears its ugly head.  Why I know I will always love Lowell is because when the ugly stuff happens, I can get mad - he can get mad, and in the midst of it all, I can look at him and still have such unexplainable love for him.  I can complain, but I can also forgive.  We are anything but perfect, but no matter what happens, I know he loves me even at my worst.  We made our vows, "Till death do us part."  It is the Lord helping us to love when we don't feel like it.  It's the Lord opening our eyes to what we need to do to change and keep the marriage going.  It's not about changing the other person.  The Lord knows we've both tried!  Ha!  Anyways, God's working in us and keeping our marriage strong through the hard times.   Who knows what the next 20 years will hold!

Well, we've been busy with Samuel's graduation.  That went so well and right into his open house the next weekend with lots of family here.  We are praying for Samuel as he makes decisions for his future.  He's still looking into the Air Force.  I will be happy with him anywhere if that's where God wants him.  Military or not.  We went to Virginia to see my brother Jim and his family and my dad and Pat.  Very good to relax a little and get a change of scenery with family.  Got to see Kim Yeatts and Debbie Fitts while we were there too.

Thanks for listening and rejoicing with us over God providing for us!  Pray for me and Samuel to find jobs.  For Lowell as he works through the loss of Cayla in his own way, which is nothing like me.  We all handle grief differently.  So we love and appreciate you all and your prayers!

My brother and his family of 9.  Kim Yeatts and 3 of her girls.
Debbie Fitts and 5 of her children, and the 3 of us at the
Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum near Dulles International Airport, Northern Virginia.
Debbie, me and Kim

Debbie and I.  Went to youth group together back in the good old 80's.  
Kim and I.  We met when we were 5 years old back in the day...  almost 40 years ago.  

The Space Shuttle 'Discovery' that was flown in by piggy-back last fall on its final flight.

My guys.

Samuel's graduation open house

Samuel with Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, Aunt Cathie and Matt, and cousins Hannah and Sheylyn
 at the Columbus Convention Center.