Sunday, October 21, 2012

What a year...

Well, a year ago today we found out I was pregnant.  What an amazing day that was!  So, so much has happened since then.   I look back at this past year and as much as I would have loved for a different outcome, I wouldn't trade this year for anything.  I had a daughter.  No, I have a daughter.  I never thought I'd be able to say those words.  My precious baby girl is always going to be a part of me no matter what.  As time passes though, I feel like it was a dream.  The pregnancy seemed to go by so quickly and then the time in the hospital seemed so surreal.  The couple of weeks we were home with her went by so fast as we tried to make some kind of schedule.  And then it was all over.  And now 4 months have gone by.   

We'd have a little 6 month old now.  It's hard to think that it's been six months since I had her.  I've shed many tears this past week just realizing how much I miss having Cayla in my arms.  It's been a rough few days.  The peace from God is still there, I just miss my girl.  After waiting so many years for her and to only hold her for such a short time...  It's just hard.  She really was so precious.

I know if I were to turn my thoughts and perspective around, the tears would subside, and they have when I've needed them to.  But sometimes I just want to cry about losing Cayla.  Sometimes I need to cry about her.  Tears are healing.  They tell me I've not forgotten her.  Part of me wants to hurt so I don't ever forget her.  I feel like the time we had with her was so short that it would be easy to forget this past year even happened.  I know I'll never forget her, but my life has fallen back into pre-Cayla routines and activities that have nothing to do with a baby.  I do feel like it was all a dream.

Anyways, I'm just a little weepy and tired tonight.  I wanted to write today since this all started a year ago.  We had no idea what the year ahead would hold, but God did, and it's so amazing just resting and trusting Him.  I cry, but I'm ok.  Really.  I am.  Thanks for the prayers so many are still praying for us.  It's a process and we are all still going through it.  So don't stop.

Before I say goodnight, here's some random pics of those few short days with our precious Cayla Joy. 


Aunt Cathie
Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa




The yellow cow... she would stare at this picture intently... Thanks Andy Warhol for entertaining Cayla.

Our Precious Cayla Joy
 Goodnight!  :o)