Sunday, September 2, 2012

I remember...

I started writing this on Friday, August 24th and never went back to finish or publish it to the blog.  I was "remembering" too many things and couldn't finish.  I read this now over a week later, and I'm not crying, but am wanting to.  Emotions have been very high recently.  Not in the way that I'm walking around weeping or anything, more like I'm just more sensitive to everything around me.  Ok, so maybe a few tears.  Not just Cayla stuff.  Anyways, I might just add another paragraph at the end and publish it, but this is just a drop in the bucket of memories that constantly flood my brain...

From Friday, August 24th

Well, today, Cayla Joy would have been 4 months old.  Also, today marks 9 weeks since she died.  That sounds like an eternity, yet it seems like it was this week.  Funny how our minds work. 

I started last Saturday night, August 18th, rereading the blog from day one.  Tuesday, I got to June 22nd's entry and had to stop.  I was feeling the excitement, uncertainties, joy, nervousness, peace, anticipation, unknowns, and all the emotions all over again as I read.  It was very overwhelming to relive those months again.  I so remember the feeling as I wrote about being able to hold her the first time.  I remember the smell of her when I wrote that I just loved to breathe in the smell of her.  I remember kissing her as I read about it.  I remember feeling like I needed handcuffs when they told me I couldn't touch her or stimulate her with my touch or voice after surgery.  I remember gently rubbing that sweet little head whenever she needed comfort. I felt and remembered every emotion from the beginning.  I remember sitting with my friend Wendy Hollon when I found out I was pregnant on October 21, 2011 and crying tears of disbelief, joy, and amazement that God had opened my womb after 16 years.  I remember earlier that same morning, Lowell asking Samuel what he thought about the possibility of mom being pregnant and what Samuel's answer was.  Without any hesitation with this whole possibility posed to him for the 1st time, he said, "Two things.  It's a little late, and if something happens to you guys, I'm stuck with the kid."  :o)  Oh my!  What a laugh we had at that.  He quickly added that he was kidding, and that it would be very cool, and then looked at us with his head to one side saying, "Really? You could be pregnant?!"  Love him.

I've remembered all the people I've met along the way as I reread.  So many nurses.  So many doctors. So many friends.  So many babies.  So many moms.  It's been nice going back through and remembering so many people.

I remembered the feeling as Samuel and I met Dr. Rajabi the first time and heard him tell us that Cayla had a major heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome.  I remember looking at him, at Samuel, the nurse and then back to Dr. Rajabi again as they were waiting to see how I responded to this information.  God had prepared my heart to hear this news and I remember thinking, "I'm ok. God's going to help us through this and made Cayla's heart exactly how He intended it to be."  I remember trying to focus on what Dr. Rajabi was saying about her heart and how hard it was.  My mind kept wandering.  He was so good, and I believe repeated everything he said at least 3 times to help me process it all.  I remember getting through the rest of that doctor's visit and setting up a time to go see him in his office at Hillcrest Hospital that following Wednesday.  I remember the feeling as Samuel and I stepped outside of the hospital and let out a huge breath and just a few tears fell then.  I remember pulling up to our house as Samuel was driving and not having really cried.  He stopped the car and we both just sat there.  I remember the precious moments as we held each other and prayed asking God to help us accept His will in our little baby's life.  It was as we prayed that the dam broke and we were both weeping before the prayer ended.  Such memories.

I'm back to today, Sunday, September 2nd.

I remember carrying Cayla up the stairs and losing my balance one time.  From then on, anytime I carried her up the squeaky stairs, she would cry as if she remembered the feeling of almost falling.  There are times I cry going up those stairs wishing I could hear her cry and comfort her.  I remember going upstairs to get her when she'd woken up from her nap, and open our bedroom door to the sights and sounds of Cayla Joy.  Almost every time I walk into our room now, I find myself automatically looking at the spot where her crib was.  I remember those eyes looking up at me wanting to be picked up when I got there.  I remember taking her to our bed and falling asleep across it every morning after her 7am feeding.  We would take our time falling asleep and talk sometimes.  Many times she was crying, and I couldn't figure out why.  I completely remember feeding her her bottle and how she would just stare at me the entire time.  She was precious.  I can write all this without crying.  I just want to talk about her.  I just want to remember her.  I just want everyone else to hear and know just how precious she was.  I don't want to ever forget her.  Ok, now I'm crying... :o} 

I feel like this was just a dream.  She came and she went pretty fast.  It's like it really was too good to be true.  It was too amazing to be pregnant and having a baby again and I told myself I knew it wouldn't last.  I had such a hard time allowing myself to believe she'd live, we all did, that when she died, it was as if I was expecting it.  But, there was also a point in time that I let myself dream of her actually growing up.  She was doing so well.  I guess I lost sight of how fragile her life was and wasn't jumping every time she did normal baby things like cry, have a diaper rash, spit up some, or fuss.  I needed to stay alert to all that, but I got comfortable and thought she was doing well.  So when it all happened that Friday, I think I was just slow catching on to what was really happening.  It wasn't until shortly before she died that I realized what was happening.  So, I am still waking up at night remembering this and dealing with guilt again.  It's been weeks since  this had happened and now these last few days, it's all coming back again. That awful guilt.  Those "Why didn't I?" thoughts are plaguing my nights.

I guess I'm remembering the good the bad and the ugly... I'm finding I'm not praying like I was either.  I'm now reading His Word so much more, but haven't been praying much.  I haven't been talking to God like I have been.  I can't seem to get things right.  It's all related to my sleepless nights, the feelings of guilt and all.  On top of it all, I just plain out miss my baby girl.  I just miss her.  I just want to hold her one more time and rub that little head and kiss that little mouth.  Oh man, I'm crying again.  I came home from church tonight after having a good day today and laid down on the couch and cried.  I don't even know what provoked it.  I made myself get up, and I did the dishes in record time, made the jello and scrubbed the potatoes for tomorrow and did one load of laundry.  It's now after 11pm and I need to go to bed.  So for now, this is it for this crazy post.  It's sopping with drama and emotion.  Sorry about that.  I can't help myself.  I'm feeling the need to analyze myself, figure out what I need to be doing, and make some changes.  We'll see. 

Thanks for the prayers.  I think at times, I'm doing so well and am starting to be able to move on, then I feel crippled all of the sudden like now.  Well, overall, I am doing well, I'm just still working through this.  We all are and are so grateful you're praying for us all.  Thank you so much!!!

ps... I'm adding a note this Labor Day morning.  I just need to say, pms.  Boy does that make me feel better.  I forgot about this and I know it's tmi (too much info), but explains the extra tears and emotions these last few days.  Feeling better already this morning... in an emotional way, not physically... :o)