Thursday, June 28, 2012

Trying to keep moving on

Well it's Thursday afternoon.  I am exhausted, but doing ok.  Lowell had to go back to work today.  My brother Jim and his family left this morning, and it's back down to just me and Samuel.  We are all so tired, and I feel bad for Lowell having to work.  Cayla is ever in our thoughts as we move around the house.  Our house looks like it did before Cayla took it over which in one way is so very sad, but really I could not go on looking at empty things that should have Cayla sitting in them.  It was so hard coming home Friday night and seeing the empty crib, bassinet, bouncy seat and all.  It was so helpful having my mother-in-law, Wendy Hollon, and Erin Brown over on Saturday as we packed it all up.  On Monday, Lowell and Samuel printed out some 5x7's and an 8x10 picture of Cayla for us to have around the house.  He even got frames for them, and it's wonderful to have them around to look at.  That's what I want to see to remember our precious Cayla Joy, not drawers of clothes or empty cribs.  I do have to say though, when Birth Care came Monday morning to pick up her clothes, bouncy seat, diapers, and other odds and ends, it was hard when they were driving away.  Coming back into the house with all that gone made the house seem so bare. 

Sunday morning we went to church and were able to be held, hugged and comforted by our church family.  Such wonderful people God has blessed us with.  Why I even hesitated to go is beyond me.  We came home and had our roaster chicken like we do almost every Sunday afternoon and then packed up all of Cayla's big items that we had borrowed from Ann Sutch.  What a blessing that we didn't have to buy a crib, bassinet, electric swing or tub.  We went to her house to return these items and spent an hour or so in a most beautiful piece of God's country.  Thank you Ann for the items and the fellowship. 

Jodi Baumgardner Poole, Lowell's cousin, the funeral director was meeting us at 4pm at the church to see it before Tuesday.  We all came back up to the house and talked while I downloaded some pictures for her to play on a screen in the foyer at the funeral.  She has been so good to us.  We were then able to set up a meeting at 6:30pm with the man from Lenox Cemetery to choose her plot.  She is in such a quiet spot back under the trees in a small, beautiful little country cemetery.  I am so glad my in-law's mentioned it.  It's just one mile from their house, and since they have been there so long and are the anchor in Lowell's family, it's only fitting to bury her there close to our hearts and their home. 

I have to say that when we were there at the graveside on Tuesday, I was overflowing with joy.  The weather was the most beautiful kind of day you could ever want.  The sun was shining so bright.  There were a few white puffy clouds.  The sky was a most beautiful shade of blue.  There was a slight breeze that kept the sun from making it too hot.  And yes, my baby girl's body was lying there in the box in front of me, but I could not be sad.  It's just a shell that came from dust and will now return to dust.  It's not Cayla Joy.  She's in heaven in the arms of Jesus and getting loved on by my mom, her Grandma Halbach and many others.  Even Dave Thornton, a wonderful man of God who passed on a few months ago and so looked forward to meeting this little Cayla Joy, is with her telling her all his jokes and making her laugh like she's never laughed before.  As the song says... heaven's getting sweeter every day.  Standing out there in all this beauty, I just wanted to raise my hands to heaven and praise God for all He's done and is continuing to do in my life and those around me.  I know some of this might sound odd, but when you know God personally, it is somehow possible to have joy during situations like this.  Why would I or you or anybody not want to have a Savior like this?  Like I've said before, He is everything in these circumstances.  He is the reason I can sing during a trial like this.  Please take time to rethink where you are in a personal relationship with God.  Email me...

Well, it's now Thursday evening.  We just got home from grocery shopping and dinner.  I have to say that I couldn't stop the tears when we walked by the baby section at Walmart and almost cried when a baby cried at Bob Evans.  I just don't want to forget that Cayla Joy was here.  I don't know if that makes sense, but for the last almost 17 years, it's been just the 3 of us.  Then 8 months ago, we found out about Cayla and a week ago we lost her and are back to what it's been for years.  It almost seems like she was a dream, but the way my arms ache to hold her and the way I long to kiss her little face all over bring me back to the reality that I will never have to worry about forgeting her. It's just hard. It all happened so fast with only 6 months of knowing I was pregnant and then having her for only 2 months and now it's all over.  I just have to trust that God has a plan and a reason for it all that I may not fully understand until heaven. 

So many people have written us expressing their love and prayers for us as we go through this rough time.  I am humbled.  I am finding out that people all over the world are reading Cayla's story through this blog.  If one person would trust God as their Savior because of Cayla's life, it would all be worth it. I am finding out that many, many people are praying and I know why I am so at peace despite the pain and hurt.  God is faithful.

I wanted to talk about Tuesday, but it will have to wait until another day.  I'm tired and need to go to bed.  We were able to video tape Cayla's service and I hope sometime soon to be able to post it onto the blog.  We are just taking one day at a time.  Thank you again for the prayers.  God is answering. 

"The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
Romans 15:13

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28