Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Moments That Take Our Breath Away

Happy New Year!  It's a new year and for some reason I feel compelled to write.  Not sure what about yet, but I've never been lacking for words before.  :)  I do keep thinking about the fact that it was 2 long years ago that I was pregnant.  The whole time of Cayla as part of our lives seems to be getting so, so distant.  I don't particularly like that thought.  I have an 8x10 of her sitting next to Grandma Brooks' pink chair in "my corner" where I go to sit and relax, read or spend time with God.  I actually haven't been noticing the picture for a while, but last night on New Year's Eve, I just sat and stared at it and kept telling myself, as if willing myself to never forget, that I have a daughter.  Not sure which tense to use there.  I still have a daughter even though she's in heaven, so I guess I'll stick with that one.  I have a daughter.  It's hard to grasp really, because I don't feel like it at times.  I feel since I've had to keep moving on with life, that I forget sometimes that yes, I have a daughter.  I feel the need to keep writing this to help solidify it in my brain.  My life with her was so short and so surreal.  Well, I did have a daughter and that's that.

I picked the picture up and just took in everything about her.  This may be weird, but oh well... I gave her a kiss on her cheek, on her head, on her little mouth even though her fingers were in the way and just put my cheek next to hers and tried to remember what it felt like to do this.  It's a hard thing when you feel like you can't remember.  I do remember her cheek against mine, but there's a lot I feel that I'm forgetting.  Aye, yie, yie.  So yes, some tears fell, but it was okay...  I needed to grab a tissue and wash the picture off anyways.  ;)  It's nice and shiny and clean now - even the frame.  Wish I could say the same for the rest of the corner.  So I had to snap a picture.
A quick pic of my messy corner with my little bright spot in the picture!
That's also one of her blankets across the back.
I had been talking to Lowell about Cayla later on in the kitchen.  We stood there and reminisced a while.  Then he pointed to a little plaque sitting above the sink that my mother-in-law and niece Sheylyn gave us for Christmas.  It says, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."  He read it out loud, looked me in the eye and said, "When Cayla died, that was a moment that took my breath away."  During the 8 months we had her and the  months afterwards, there were actually many moments that I held my breath and didn't know what to say.  Hard to imagine, I know, but nonetheless true.  I had read the plaque and only thought of it for the good times, but Lowell reminded me that yes, this applies to her death as well.  But not even just for us.  I know there were many people I knew and some I didn't that went through the whole thing with us and felt all the "moments that took our breath away" with us.  Last night as I thought about this little phrase, I once again realized that Cayla's little life touched many people with her "moments".  Not just her death, but her time in vitro, her birth, her time at Cleveland Clinic, her time at home, her death, her funeral, her impact after her death too.  She gave us all very many of "the moments that take our breath away."

Thanks Mom and Sheylyn.
As I sit here January 1st, thinking about all this again, I just want to say thank you again for all who went through our journey with us.  God has done great things.  I look forward to see what 2014 holds for our family.  Pray with me for God to show me and provide the exact job He has for me.  I'm ready to be back full-time working if that's what God has for me now.  We just have a few kinks to work out logistically with one car and 3 of us working.  God will work it out and has the right job waiting for me.  Just pray that I listen.  :)  Thanks for your love and support these last 2 years.

Happy New Year from the Sowry's!

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