tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23732258523066350212024-03-13T06:12:56.046-04:00Our Precious Cayla JoyLinda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-91336495043649746922016-03-30T15:39:00.002-04:002016-04-07T04:44:41.713-04:00I'm Here and All Is Well<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0"><span data-text="true">I know it's been a while... I thought maybe to post this on facebook but changed my mind and decided to add it to the blog. I have to add a favorite picture of Cayla too... :)</span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0"><span data-text="true">It's 2:30pm and I'm supposed to be sleeping for work tonight, but I can't. I thought I'd wash up some dishes and was listening to the same CD I mentioned earlier in the blog in July 2013.</span></span><span data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0"><span data-text="true"> In that blog post, I was talking about </span></span></span></span><span data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0"><span data-text="true">the song "God's Been Good". I haven't been able to sing it because of the line that says, "...And though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could." I thought I was getting to a place where I could sing that, trusting God for everything, the good and bad. Apparently I'm not there yet. Sigh... Deep breath. Pouring my heart out to God and lots of tears are very cleansing. I couldn't stop though which is odd. I haven't had that happen in quite some time. </span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="a8hvr-0-0"><span data-text="true">Then my thoughts took a turn as I continued to cry. I started feeling like all this with Cayla was some kind of punishment for sin in my life (a thought directly from Satan) and started going through my life confessing sin and crying. That feeling of how much I've disappointed God and why I even should keep trying at such a hopeless cause was overwhelming me. Why does God put up with me? I'm such a mess in so many ways. All I could think was that God is probably pretty fed up with me.</span></span><br />
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Once again, the CD kept playing and the other song I love on this cd was playing, "Even in the Valley". It was at the 2nd verse and I started listening to words that jumped out and spoke to my heart. <br />
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The road of life has led you to a valley of defeat.<br />
You wonder if the Father has heard your desperate plea,<br />
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell.<br />
Can't you hear him gently whispering,<br />
''I'm here, and all is well.''<br />
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Even in the valley God is good.<br />
Even in the valley He is faithful and true.<br />
He carries His children through like He said He would,<br />
Even in the valley God is good.<br />
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So then the tears came all over again, but good tears. "...for His mercy endureth forever." came to mind from every verse in Psalm 136. He does forgive. He does cleanse. He does love unconditionally. He does care about my struggles. He does know my heart more than I do. He does love ME. After being saved for over 40 years, that thought still overwhelms me. I COULD hear Him gently whispering, "I'm here, and all is well." I felt His arm around me, and His love pour over me. Can't explain any more than that. It's just an incredible feeling. <br />
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Thank you Father for Your unwavering, incomprehensible love to me a sinner who loves You and believes You and Your Word completely. </div>
Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-65141075026468630742014-12-19T20:49:00.002-05:002014-12-19T23:13:22.693-05:00My Grandma's Bible<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So last night Lowell handed me an old Bible that he had found. It was printed in 1941 and falling apart a bit. As soon as I saw all the little notes and clippings in it, I knew it was my Grandma Brook's Bible. The first section it opened up to had about 10 little papers there.</div>
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There's a newspaper clipping from April 22, 1926:</div>
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"Life's Golden Rule"</div>
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If only thoughtless people would take a little heed</div>
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and think about their neighbors, their troubles and their need.</div>
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It never just occurs to them that in their selfish way,</div>
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Maybe they've dimmed the sunlight and darkened someone's day.</div>
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If only busy people would linger for a while</div>
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and stop to do a kindly act then pass on with a smile.</div>
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The world would be a warmer place if only now and then,</div>
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We all would stay to think a bit about our fellow men.</div>
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There's a Christmas letter from Marge and Chester from 1988.</div>
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There's a card with John 11:25-26 on it that you have to look from the side angle with the paper almost flat and rotate it 4 times to see the whole verse come to life. :) See picture below.</div>
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Then there is a little newspaper clipping of Jimmy's obituary. It doesn't look like the whole thing, but I'm not sure. This caught my eye, because no one ever really talked about little Jimmy. We all knew he was our uncle who died as a child, but Grandma and Grandpa never said much about him, especially Grandpa. Actually my mom never said much about him either. I have to share this though:</div>
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BROOKS - In loving memory of our dear wee son Jimmy</div>
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who passed away May 31, 1945 age 3 years 9 months.</div>
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Two little hands are resting,</div>
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A loving heart is still,</div>
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A little son we loved is waiting</div>
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For us just over the hill. </div>
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-Sadly missed by Mummie, Daddy and sister Mary.</div>
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BROOKS - In loving memory of my dear nephew Jimmie Filson Brooks</div>
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who passed away May 31, 1945.</div>
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Gone from us but leaving memories</div>
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Death can never take away.</div>
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Memories that will always linger</div>
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While upon this earth we stay.<br />
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Then there is a poem typed out on a leaflet.<br />
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<u>Thine and Mine</u><br />
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I closely held within my arms</div>
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A jewel rare;</div>
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Never had one so rich and pure</div>
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Engaged my care;</div>
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'Twas my own, my precious jewel,</div>
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God gave it me;</div>
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'Twas mine, who else could care for it,</div>
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So tenderly?</div>
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But the Master came one day</div>
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My gem to take;</div>
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I cannot let it go, I cried,</div>
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My heart would break:</div>
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Nay, but the Master comes for it, </div>
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To bear above</div>
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To deck His royal diadem,</div>
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He comes in love.</div>
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But, Master, it is my treasure,</div>
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My jewel rare,</div>
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I'll safely guard and keep it pure,</div>
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And very fair;</div>
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If thou keep'st my gem, He said,<br />
It may be lost;<br />
The threshold of My home, no thief<br />
Has ever crossed.<br />
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And where the heart's rich treasure is,<br />
The heart will be;<br />
Thy jewel will be safe above,<br />
Gone before thee.<br />
The Master said these words and gazed<br />
With pitying look,<br />
While in the early hush of morn<br />
My gem He took<br />
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Close to my heart that morn I held,<br />
Tears falling fast,<br />
An empty casket - the bright gem<br />
Was safe at last.<br />
Yes, Master, thou may'st keep my own,<br />
For it is Thine;<br />
Safe in the house not made with hands,<br />
'Tis Thine and Mine.<br />
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My grandma wrote at the top, From Aunt Maria, June 1945. This poem is true and comforting to think that these little ones are in Heaven with God, but the whole idea of God taking my child for a jewel on His crown or to protect them from the hurts and evil of this world, just doesn't seem quite right. That makes God look kind of selfish to me. From my perspective as a parent who's lost a child, that's not what I want to hear. Maybe my grandparents weren't comforted as they mourned the loss of their child. They had 4 children and my mom was the only one to live to be an adult. Even then my grandmother nursed my mom to her death in 1994 with cancer. She outlived all 4 of her children. I don't think she ever really accepted Jimmy's death and literally mourned him her whole life, as well as the daughter that died within her womb at 7 months along where she was told she had to wait and have the baby naturally when the time came and carried the dead baby, I don't remember, maybe another month or something crazy like that before she gave birth. The only time I heard about this story was when I was 7 months pregnant with Samuel... I told her that's not the kind of story I wanted to hear at that time. :) Loved my grandma to death! <br />
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I can't say for certain what caused them all to never talk about Jimmy or her other lost babies, but I too, mourn my daughter's death, but I am also rejoicing in her life! I know God had a purpose for Cayla Joy's life. It wasn't in vain. God grew us all. Grew our faith, our prayer life and even brought people to know Jesus as their Savior. :) Every little life that dies, whether we see the purpose of their death or not, has a purpose. We can become stronger and not even realize it. <br />
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I still do trust God no matter what the reason for Cayla's or little Jimmy's death may be. I found this poem quite the thought provoker last night as I read it. It's good, and it could be comforting I suppose. :) I just thought it was kind of neat to find things in her Bible from the 1940's about the loss of a child and about little Jimmy. My mom was 5 yrs old when he was born and 8 1/2 when he died. I know my mom's life changed. She said she grew up kind of lonely and even though she knew her parents loved her, they never said the words. It was that experience in her life that made her determined that if God ever allowed her to get married and have children, that they would hear those words daily and not just know they were loved. All of us 4 children benefited from Jimmy's death, sad to say. That whole experience helped to make my mom who she was, which was pretty awesome. :) <br />
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There was also a bookmark with Psalm 23 on it:<br />
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The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. <br />
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;</div>
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he leadeth me beside the still waters.<br />
He restoreth my soul:<br />
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.<br />
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,<br />
I will fear no evil.<br />
For Thou are with me.<br />
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.<br />
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:<br />
Thou anointest my head with oil;<br />
My cup runneth over.<br />
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life<br />
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.<br />
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Now that's comforting! :)</div>
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She had a bookmark I made her when I was in junior high (kind of has that look about it...) out of construction paper. :)</div>
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There's 3 unused hankies. One from Ireland from Dr and Mrs Beggs, her pastor and great friends. One has a sticker saying it's made in Switzerland, and the last one has pretty purple flowers.</div>
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Wow. There's another hand-written poem that's hard to read but it has a line that says something about grief being selfish. I don't know. How you handled grief in the 40's was obviously a little different than what we do now. No tears. Be strong. = Not good. I feel bad for them not being truly free to express their grief. It makes me even more thankful for all my friends and blog friends who've prayed for us through Cayla's life and death. </div>
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I still cry at times and will in the future. I also feel like it was all a dream. Same things I've said before. I'm just blessed to live in a day and time where I'm free to grieve. We are all different. It's all good. I know I'll see Cayla again. God is good all the time - Even when bad things happen. He doesn't change. He never will. There is evil and sin on this earth, but that doesn't define who God is. He has not only been holding my hand these past 3 years, but has been carrying me through it all. :) </div>
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I have enjoyed going through this Bible and all my grandma's little treasures in it. So many more, but this is enough. I was just touched to find something in this Bible about the child my grandma lost, little Jimmy. Sixty-nine years later, this wee little uncle of mine, comes up to be remembered again a couple of years after Cayla died. I feel a bond with my grandma I hadn't thought about before, after reading these little snippets from her life. God is so good. </div>
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I broke down and took some pics. :)</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8C0oAmyQXQQ/VJTqcQn2EfI/AAAAAAAABhA/wrXn9e8m2H4/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8C0oAmyQXQQ/VJTqcQn2EfI/AAAAAAAABhA/wrXn9e8m2H4/s1600/013.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There's an old Christmas card on the bottom left as well. <br />
Does anyone remember the verse card in the bottom right that I was referring to? <br />
It looks like a pattern straight on, but you have to hold it at an angle to read it. :) <br />
Anyways. The hankies, the poems, the bookmarks,<br />
and there's probably <span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">5 times this little pile of papers and things that were in her Bible. :) </span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The little paper in the middle is the obituary for wee Jimmy.<br />
You can click on the pics to make them larger.</td></tr>
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Thanks for reminiscing with me tonight! I'll have to find a good picture of me and my grandma to add to this. It would take me a while to dig and find them and I already accidentally clicked "Publish" a while ago when I wasn't even half done instead of "Preview". So some of you might have only read part of this. Maybe I'll add another picture sometime later. :) May God bless all of you! </div>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-8439988425740300682014-06-22T23:52:00.002-04:002017-06-12T12:38:37.633-04:00God gave me a huge blessing today of all days!Two years ago today, Cayla Joy died and saw Jesus face to face. I didn't plan on writing today, didn't really plan to do much today. Then God steps in and does something completely unexpected and wonderful. Well this quote sums up my morning today from 3 am till 8 am and then the story to follow. :)<br />
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I don't want to use your names, but for you two guys in this story, I hope you let me know when you've read this. You asked if I'm still writing in my blog, and yes I am today because of you. So much to say about those 5 hours this morning. I don't look for things to write about, but there are things that God puts in my life that I can't help but write about.</div>
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I haven't woke up in the middle of the night for quite a long time. Last night I woke up at 3 am. Saw my clock, sat up, and thought I guess I'll go to the bathroom. No sooner am I in the bathroom downstairs when I hear talking. I thought maybe Samuel left something running, but soon realized it was coming from outside. So I pulled the window down and there's a Rondevous facing me across the parking lot. There's an agitated girl and 2 guys outside the vehicle. I listened for a moment and asked if everything was okay. The 2 guys walked over and said her tire blew and their phones weren't charged, etc. and they needed some help. I asked if they had a spare, they went and asked her while I went upstairs to tell Lowell there were some people outside. They came back over and said there was no spare tire, but her boyfriend in Conneaut (at least 30+ minutes from here) had a car with 2 other flats that they could use a tire from. So, being that I'm the outgoing and awake one, we decided Samuel would drive me, this girl, her 20 month old and her friend to Conneaut to get this tire and her boyfriend and drop off the baby and friend. We get there and he is trying to find a jack. Cutting through some details, we were there awhile, while he worked hard to get the tire off his car. We loaded up the tire, her and her boyfriend and headed home. Found out on the ride home that she didn't know where to look for the spare and that she hadn't looked under the car. I just had to laugh at the way this morning was progressing. It only got "worse". </div>
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Sooooo, when we got home, she realized she left her keys to the car at her house we were just at. I laughed out loud as I gave her my phone and asked her to call friends that could help her. I didn't care if it was 4 in the morning. She wasn't having great success. I kept making comments about everyone and everything that was happening, making everyone laugh throughout the morning. </div>
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Meanwhile, her boyfriend was diligently trying to get this flat tire off her car. It was long hard work. At one point he flipped the bar up into his face, just under his eye and gouged it a bit. Then he was standing on the bar to loosen a lug nut when he slipped and his feet pounded hard into the concrete. Well he was wearing shoes he wore this week while roofing. There were 2 roofing nails stuck in the bottom of his shoes that pierced his foot and started bleeding when he landed. He cut his fingers, pinched them, you name it. It was almost humorous to watch. He had a fairly good attitude about it all. </div>
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So he finally brought the tire over we had picked up, and guess what? You're right! It didn't fit. I laughed again. There was actually a spare tire under her car, yet they couldn't get it off. I went in and grabbed my Kindle Fire, pulled up the internet and googled, How to remove the spare tire from a Rondevous. We found the latch inside the vehicle, but it still wouldn't release the tire. The three guys worked on getting that tire out from under there for quite some time. I'm still making comments, sitting on the ground with them talking to them all, keeping the mood light. At different times throughout the morning I mentioned how I don't get up in the night, but did tonight. One of them said that yeah, this was all meant to be. So I agreed and said God directs our paths and this was no accident to Him. They agreed too. </div>
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She had tried to call her parents in Ashtabula, but was basically unsuccessful at that until around 6:30 am or so. She was yelled at even at 28 yrs old with 5 children. Rightly so in some ways, but her parents who actually don't live far from us, decided they would first go back out to Conneaut to get her keys and check on the grandchildren and then head back here to Bible Baptist Church. </div>
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It was going to be yet another hour or more. I sat out there and continued to talk with them. The sun came up in a beautiful sunrise. At one point, her boyfriend said that this is NOT how he had planned to spend his morning. I thought about it and said, "You know, this isn't how I thought I'd be spending my morning either. Today is the 2nd anniversary of the day my daughter died." They all looked at me. I told them a little about Cayla Joy and all the things that God had done through her little life. They were all listening closely and saying how sorry they were for me. I appreciated that. I had a chance to tell them about how God has worked in my life and many others too. Her boyfriend, I could tell, didn't really want to listen to me talk about God, so he tried to get me flustered when I was talking about the Bible being the one book that is absolute truth. He asked me how I know that with all the different Bibles out there? I wasn't going to go down that path and get distracted from the message that needed to be shared, so I said that growing up I had a New American Standard Bible, yet now I have a King James Bible. I told him, "You know what? They all tell the story of Jesus and how he came to the earth to take our punishment for us on the cross so we could go to heaven when we die." It was actually a perfect way to lead into the gospel story. He eventually got up and walked around the parking lot. But I still got to share the precious story of Jesus with the other 3 there. The phone rang, distractions came up, but I was able to continue telling them what Jesus did for us and how much He loves us. </div>
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It was quiet for a while, and the one guy who lives in the Harbor here in Ashtabula, asked if I could take him home. I said sure. So he and his friend got in the car and I drove slowly as he asked questions and talked about God. He asked for the name of my blog I mentioned and said he'd really like to read it. He'd not met someone that would do what I did for strangers this morning (aka middle of the night) and said something was different. I told him it's just God and His love in me. As he got out, he asked again for my blog. I wrote it on the back of a receipt for him. He thanked me for everything and said he really wanted to read it. </div>
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So then the other guy came and sat up front with me for the ride home. He then started in with his questions about God and His laws. I knew he was struggling with homosexual feelings and told him the big picture is that when God created this world, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Part of that perfect world was one man and one woman. It's how God intended it to be. Once sin came into that world, it's been changing what God made perfectly that first day. He said, "But this is how I was born." I told him, "You're absolutely right! I was too." We are all born with sin, and we all struggle with some more than others. Many people struggle with sexual sins, but that doesn't make that or any sin right. He kept searching and asking questions. I took my time driving and we had a great talk all the way home. He asked me when we were getting out of the car if he could have my blog address too. I said sure, went in the house to write it down for him and gave him it and my phone number. He's searching. It won't be easy, but I will be praying for them both. Such nice guys.</div>
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While I was driving him home, her parents had come, looked at the tire, got some kind of very noisy saw and sawed off the rusted, corroded bolt to release the spare tire. He then had left for home to fill it up with air. We got back after he'd already left. I told them that since they were finally being taken care of, that I needed to go get ready for church. She gave me a big hug and thanked me for everything, and when I went to say goodbye to the young man, he put his arms out wide and gave me a huge bear hug, even though he was a little shorter than I am. It was just such an amazing feeling! I will keep praying for each of them. God has a plan for their lives.</div>
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I know I didn't need to post all the details I did, even though I still left so much out. I was just overwhelmed that this happened on this day. The quote on the top, </div>
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"God's plans for your life far exceed the circumstances of your day," </div>
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fit my morning. I'm already sleep deprived, but I wouldn't have traded those 5 hours of sleep for anything else. God allowed me to be able to use our precious Cayla Joy's story to open up a conversation about God with 4 people I'd just met. Once I said that she died 2 years ago from today, and I wasn't a bitter, angry mess, they wanted to listen. I pray they saw Jesus this morning. </div>
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You know, I've had a great day. How could I weep when I got to see and be a part, first-hand of God continuing to use Cayla's testimony and life! I just can't explain it, other than God is so Good! It's now 11pm. I'm yawning my head off, but I just had to share. Pray with me that these 4 wonderful people will someday come to know Jesus personally and spend eternity in heaven! Nothing is by chance. This was a God-orchestrated morning! :) It may seem like a bad morning and start to my day, but not when God's in the middle of it. Had to share!</div>
Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-82070737037760053412014-05-09T22:48:00.001-04:002015-05-16T12:36:33.054-04:00Charis' Quilt<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to be born, and a time to die; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to kill and a time to heal; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time to break down and a time to build up; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to weep and a time to laugh; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time to mourn, and a time to dance;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to get and a time to lose;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time to keep, and a time to cast away;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to rend, and a time to sew; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">A time to love and a time to hate;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">a time of war and a time of peace."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">Ecclesiastes 3:1-8</span></div>
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Well, this must have been the time to sew. ;o) ...and a time to heal.<br />
The Quilt...<br />
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My brother Jim and Marla had their 8th precious child in December. She's absolutely beautiful and definitely a Halbach since she looks so much like all the others. We haven't been able to meet her yet, but last December I just wanted so, so badly to do something special for my new, sweet niece. I didn't want to buy her an outfit or blanket. I just put it off not sure what to do. Well, I've also been fighting the temptation to join Pinterest, until a friend posted a bubble quilt from Pinterest. I had to join to see it, so I broke down and joined. I'm never on there anyways, so I don't know what I was worried about. One look at this quilt and I knew this was what I was looking for. I had to make this. I could analyze it and say that it was something I couldn't do for Cayla and wanted or needed to make for my niece. I don't know. It could be, because I do think it was a very healing project for me. I'm not good with thinking into things like that too much. All I knew at the time is that I was making this quilt. I've never made a blanket or a regular quilt, don't really sew at all, yet felt like I could do this with her tutorial www.awaitingada.com/2012/10/new-and-improved-tutorial-bubble-quilt, so I did. Sometimes I don't think we realize what we can do if we just put our mind to it. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zM-y0uWv2Jk/U0s1Tqy7WAI/AAAAAAAABXA/4si2v8VHmUU/s1600/004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zM-y0uWv2Jk/U0s1Tqy7WAI/AAAAAAAABXA/4si2v8VHmUU/s1600/004.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the 90 squares getting ready to be sewed to a smaller white square underneath.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-u_QTUwOvPHk/U0s1a4yr_OI/AAAAAAAABXI/0EjS5lw2y0Q/s1600/006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-u_QTUwOvPHk/U0s1a4yr_OI/AAAAAAAABXI/0EjS5lw2y0Q/s1600/006.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Setting up the final design before sewing them together.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wAN8NO1sjtU/U0s1k5NE0YI/AAAAAAAABXQ/MxaK7WwEqA8/s1600/014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wAN8NO1sjtU/U0s1k5NE0YI/AAAAAAAABXQ/MxaK7WwEqA8/s1600/014.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks to Mary Ekholm bringing me her walker foot which made everything so much easier to sew.<br />
I could have never sewed so many layers together without it.<br />
I didn't even know I needed it until she asked if I had one.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MtVKfh37TAs/U0s1vcjmT6I/AAAAAAAABXY/KJFeYkUwKK8/s1600/016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MtVKfh37TAs/U0s1vcjmT6I/AAAAAAAABXY/KJFeYkUwKK8/s1600/016.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My little slits in the back of each square so I could stuff them,<br />
then hand sew every single one back up......</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ek07esLvDMI/U0s19MAVKHI/AAAAAAAABXg/vZNk6lAUiwM/s1600/027.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ek07esLvDMI/U0s19MAVKHI/AAAAAAAABXg/vZNk6lAUiwM/s1600/027.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The unstuffed 4" squares in 9 x 10 rows all together laying on the green minky background material.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mPfRjQuqm1I/U0s2LUZYIyI/AAAAAAAABXo/M8J2K7PytqM/s1600/040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mPfRjQuqm1I/U0s2LUZYIyI/AAAAAAAABXo/M8J2K7PytqM/s1600/040.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The beginning of my ruffle.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0cq3H-fLpE0/U0s2cjMbieI/AAAAAAAABXw/u6DbmvstMoA/s1600/045.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0cq3H-fLpE0/U0s2cjMbieI/AAAAAAAABXw/u6DbmvstMoA/s1600/045.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All the middle bubbles are stuffed and my ruffle is finally starting to look right.<br />
For all the trouble the ruffle gave me, it was well worth it in the end!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qo6frfa3XXo/U0s2n8ypCLI/AAAAAAAABX4/tJmAegj2zro/s1600/054.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qo6frfa3XXo/U0s2n8ypCLI/AAAAAAAABX4/tJmAegj2zro/s1600/054.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ruffle is pinned and ready to be sewed on.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vhuxpyegBBc/U0s24T1xX9I/AAAAAAAABYA/cGtuY6f67pY/s1600/069.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vhuxpyegBBc/U0s24T1xX9I/AAAAAAAABYA/cGtuY6f67pY/s1600/069.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ruffle is on! Now to somehow attach the soft, stretchy backing. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xKM_76Z2SfU/U2A9fAhtrXI/AAAAAAAABac/1uRc4XYj5AI/s1600/Quilt%252C+BaBear+009.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xKM_76Z2SfU/U2A9fAhtrXI/AAAAAAAABac/1uRc4XYj5AI/s1600/Quilt%2C+BaBear+009.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The backing is that super soft minky material with the bumps on it. <br />
The soft, mint green made it so nice.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It turned out better than I imagined although it has plenty of <br />
"Aunt Linda made this" reminders all over it.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QTX6LI3-g2s/U2A92luRRlI/AAAAAAAABas/oqYcKmdeSkg/s1600/Quilt%252C+BaBear+019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QTX6LI3-g2s/U2A92luRRlI/AAAAAAAABas/oqYcKmdeSkg/s1600/Quilt%2C+BaBear+019.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rolled, tied up with purple ribbon, and ready to be hand-delivered by my dad<br />
who swung by Ohio just to pick it up on his trip home to VA from Ontario.<br />
Thanks Dad!</td></tr>
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I bought fabric, scissors, stuffing stuff, material for a ruffle and all! I got it in January when JoAnn Fabrics was having huge sales. My yard and 1/4 of the minky material for the back was 65% off @ $15/yard. Yay! I got everything on sale and spent actually very little, less than $30, compared to what these were selling for on the internet... $160-$200. I felt so good and jumped head-first into doing something I had no idea how to do. It was wonderful. I loved cutting, designing, and actually using my sewing machine my grandmother got me 20 years ago. Every stitch by machine and by hand was all done by myself. I just worked through it with all the kinks and issues. If I needed a break, I walked away from it for a few days or a week. I think after pulling my ruffle out about 4 or 5 times before getting it the exact way I wanted it to look, I took a good week or so off. That ruffle took me more time than the 90 squares I had to sew together and stuff. It still was just fun. I loved doing it. <br />
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Something about the quilt has helped me in a way to let go. I had finished everything except about 6 inches that still needed to be sewn up by hand when I went in for my interview with Seeley Medical and started working. I let it sit for about 2 weeks before I finished those last stitches the night before my dad stopped in to pick it up and hand-deliver it for me. I knew my quilt was done, I was ready to take that step forward, admit that getting a job is what God wanted, and let go of my desire to have another child. It all sounds so simple, but it was pretty momentous inside of me. The whole timing and God working things out for my job is another post, for another day in the near future. I did just want to share my quilt though here on Cayla's blog. <br />
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I also want to say thank you to Lowell and Samuel for letting me have the dining room table for 2 months as my sewing table... Love them.<br />
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<br />Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-88442782163112211432014-04-25T23:49:00.000-04:002014-04-28T06:43:22.188-04:00Build-A-Bear BirthdayYesterday would have been her 2nd birthday. I had no idea what to do for it. I asked Lowell, and he said he had an idea. He thought it would be nice to go to Build-A-Bear that night and make a bear. It's always been a joke with us. Samuel was past the age to get one by the time they came out with them, but we've always teased him when we'd walk by one that we could go build him a bear! Wouldn't that be fun!? He'd look at us with that look of... come on mom and dad, cut it out. So when pregnant with Cayla, we were all excited when we passed BAB in the mall, saying that now we can go with Cayla! Well that was never to be. <br />
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So Lowell thought we should maybe do something that we might have done on her 2nd birthday had she lived. What came to mind? Yes, BAB. :o) When he suggested it, I thought to myself that that's perfect. How does he think of these things? I was drawing a blank. He's just very thoughtful at times. It was nice. It gave me something to look forward to for her birthday other than the fact that she wasn't here. It was perfect really. We asked his family if they wanted to come, and Grandma, Hannah and Sheylyn were able to come which made it nice too. It was like our own little party for Cayla Joy. :o) I am very thankful to God for the family he's given me. I am blessed. We all went to Denny's afterwards for dinner which was a good time of laughter and fellowship. :o) Even the ride there and back was fun with Lowell and Samuel cracking jokes with the girls giving it right back to them, Samuel's Yogi Bear impressions, all with all 4 girls crammed in the back seat. Good times! </div>
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I have to add one other thing that happened last night too. As we left BAB, I saw a bench up ahead, and went to sit down and put our little bear together. It was actually the bench for the train ride which I didn't realize at the time. As I was trying to get the tags off our purchases, a girl maybe in her 20's who was obviously disabled, peeked around the corner at me as she was waiting for the train with her friend. I don't think she could even speak, but it was like she was trying to say something to me. I don't think she looked at anyone else. She stared at me and then came and sat down next to me. She reached over and looped her arm in mine and then took my hand and weaved her fingers into mine. She sat there with me for a little while until the train came and she had to go. As we talked about this later, Hannah said how sweet it was that she did that. The more I think about it, it's almost like she sensed that I was hurting inside and just wanted to comfort me in the only way she knew how. No inhibitions. Nothing held back. It was actually pretty sweet. I love things like this. People are amazing. I think sometimes people like this have more intuition or can tune into it more than the rest of us and see and feel more than we give them credit for. This sweet girl blessed me last night, and I thank God for that extra, unexpected blessing. </div>
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Some pics from last night. I've started two other blog entries over that last weeks, but have not had the time or the emotional energy to finish them. They will be coming soon I hope. :o) Thanks for all the love, notes and prayers for our family this week! Love you all! God is good ALL the time!</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rIu_IUyKYe8/U1sa3uD3mcI/AAAAAAAABYY/ghDSPTp__QU/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+029.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rIu_IUyKYe8/U1sa3uD3mcI/AAAAAAAABYY/ghDSPTp__QU/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+029.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heading into Build-A-Bear in Mentor</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gY6sMpnhEKg/U1sa5ViVFkI/AAAAAAAABYk/DJgMFO-bAPs/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+030.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gY6sMpnhEKg/U1sa5ViVFkI/AAAAAAAABYk/DJgMFO-bAPs/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+030.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My nieces Hannah and Sheylyn</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nEGyoQjDHvw/U1sa3ke9hQI/AAAAAAAABYU/b1vRkMurI68/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+031.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nEGyoQjDHvw/U1sa3ke9hQI/AAAAAAAABYU/b1vRkMurI68/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+031.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lowell choosing things to find in her heart. It was cute. <br />
You know, we went through most of the little things to do. <br />
It was just fun and sweet. <br />
By the end of our time here, I was in tears, but not till the end. :o)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ldQBBk8tMGY/U1sbFx8iD_I/AAAAAAAABYs/NezuBVIY6B8/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+033.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ldQBBk8tMGY/U1sbFx8iD_I/AAAAAAAABYs/NezuBVIY6B8/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+033.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lowell has a little sound chip that went in her paw that giggles when pushed.<br />
It's was sweet how you could personalize some things.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uR6lgW03lno/U1sbINlqSaI/AAAAAAAABY4/QM4IBKdmNyw/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+035.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uR6lgW03lno/U1sbINlqSaI/AAAAAAAABY4/QM4IBKdmNyw/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+035.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I got to step on the pedal to make the stuffing flow. <br />
It's very cute how it's all set up.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RsSH7Q6efw8/U1sbIJqiXzI/AAAAAAAABY0/g1hG53dMJuQ/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+036.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RsSH7Q6efw8/U1sbIJqiXzI/AAAAAAAABY0/g1hG53dMJuQ/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+036.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The lady let all 6 of us choose a little heart to put inside Cayla's bear.<br />
It was sweet thinking about Cayla and her half of heart.<br />
We made up for the difference last night. ;o)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-op3k4FVs9Qo/U1sbSr0NEhI/AAAAAAAABZE/UnVAYDkuNGQ/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-op3k4FVs9Qo/U1sbSr0NEhI/AAAAAAAABZE/UnVAYDkuNGQ/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+037.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She's sewing her up. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wbWDXghzBqA/U1sbXRYoQUI/AAAAAAAABZM/xGT0bx0WiYc/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wbWDXghzBqA/U1sbXRYoQUI/AAAAAAAABZM/xGT0bx0WiYc/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+038.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sheylyn and Lowell having fun giving her a "bath".</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vd5VAdFlc7o/U1sbX0_tZiI/AAAAAAAABZU/BdG7-ea9yNQ/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+039.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vd5VAdFlc7o/U1sbX0_tZiI/AAAAAAAABZU/BdG7-ea9yNQ/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+039.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her little dress we chose. So many choices. It was kind of fun. <br />
I've struggled at times walking by children's clothes in a store <br />
and seeing little dresses that I'd love to buy for Cayla and not being able to.<br />
So doing a little "clothes shopping" for a little dress was precious for me.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xzm_o1WMzLI/U1sbiTvQ8_I/AAAAAAAABZc/4VPdxVOUsAg/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xzm_o1WMzLI/U1sbiTvQ8_I/AAAAAAAABZc/4VPdxVOUsAg/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+040.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her little head band with a flower at Lowell's suggestion.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-52cFEB287_w/U1sbklAUoJI/AAAAAAAABZk/dDdmUWaYeEg/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+041.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-52cFEB287_w/U1sbklAUoJI/AAAAAAAABZk/dDdmUWaYeEg/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+041.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Group picture as we were leaving. I was trying to stop the tears...<br />
Sweet time. Precious little reminder of Cayla to pass on someday.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YJ_9OaxkWjk/U1sbqg-E5dI/AAAAAAAABZs/SGFftkou_Vw/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+046.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YJ_9OaxkWjk/U1sbqg-E5dI/AAAAAAAABZs/SGFftkou_Vw/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+046.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We ended up with a bow, dress and shoes. Couldn't resist.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5TxcjqoYyW4/U1sbw94J9_I/AAAAAAAABZ0/BGWLcRD8EsM/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+048.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5TxcjqoYyW4/U1sbw94J9_I/AAAAAAAABZ0/BGWLcRD8EsM/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+048.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Such a cute little bear. Loved the swirled fur on it.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FdIdv3fLKE0/U1sbxoVPLgI/AAAAAAAABZ8/wTLX3RXXh4s/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FdIdv3fLKE0/U1sbxoVPLgI/AAAAAAAABZ8/wTLX3RXXh4s/s1600/Quilt,+BaBear+051.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cayla's portrait by my long-time friend Maria, her blanket from Lowell's work, <br />
and her little Cayla Joy bear.</td></tr>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-41290674430838695082014-01-01T23:30:00.000-05:002014-01-01T23:41:13.871-05:00Moments That Take Our Breath AwayHappy New Year! It's a new year and for some reason I feel compelled to write. Not sure what about yet, but I've never been lacking for words before. :) I do keep thinking about the fact that it was 2 long years ago that I was pregnant. The whole time of Cayla as part of our lives seems to be getting so, so distant. I don't particularly like that thought. I have an 8x10 of her sitting next to Grandma Brooks' pink chair in "my corner" where I go to sit and relax, read or spend time with God. I actually haven't been noticing the picture for a while, but last night on New Year's Eve, I just sat and stared at it and kept telling myself, as if willing myself to never forget, that I have a daughter. Not sure which tense to use there. I still have a daughter even though she's in heaven, so I guess I'll stick with that one. I have a daughter. It's hard to grasp really, because I don't feel like it at times. I feel since I've had to keep moving on with life, that I forget sometimes that yes, I have a daughter. I feel the need to keep writing this to help solidify it in my brain. My life with her was so short and so surreal. Well, I did have a daughter and that's that. <br />
<br />
I picked the picture up and just took in everything about her. This may be weird, but oh well... I gave her a kiss on her cheek, on her head, on her little mouth even though her fingers were in the way and just put my cheek next to hers and tried to remember what it felt like to do this. It's a hard thing when you feel like you can't remember. I do remember her cheek against mine, but there's a lot I feel that I'm forgetting. Aye, yie, yie. So yes, some tears fell, but it was okay... I needed to grab a tissue and wash the picture off anyways. ;) It's nice and shiny and clean now - even the frame. Wish I could say the same for the rest of the corner. So I had to snap a picture.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-np6qSc83a00/UsTkaDlPlTI/AAAAAAAABRw/Lwirkh6u19g/s1600/002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-np6qSc83a00/UsTkaDlPlTI/AAAAAAAABRw/Lwirkh6u19g/s320/002.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A quick pic of my messy corner with my little bright spot in the picture!<br />
That's also one of her blankets across the back.</td></tr>
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I had been talking to Lowell about Cayla later on in the kitchen. We stood there and reminisced a while. Then he pointed to a little plaque sitting above the sink that my mother-in-law and niece Sheylyn gave us for Christmas. It says, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." He read it out loud, looked me in the eye and said, "When Cayla died, that was a moment that took my breath away." During the 8 months we had her and the months afterwards, there were actually many moments that I held my breath and didn't know what to say. Hard to imagine, I know, but nonetheless true. I had read the plaque and only thought of it for the good times, but Lowell reminded me that yes, this applies to her death as well. But not even just for us. I know there were many people I knew and some I didn't that went through the whole thing with us and felt all the "moments that took our breath away" with us. Last night as I thought about this little phrase, I once again realized that Cayla's little life touched many people with her "moments". Not just her death, but her time in vitro, her birth, her time at Cleveland Clinic, her time at home, her death, her funeral, her impact after her death too. She gave us all very many of "the moments that take our breath away." <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-krBeY_Zqb-0/UsTkVhTwhGI/AAAAAAAABRs/WBVet2Wu-yM/s1600/001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-krBeY_Zqb-0/UsTkVhTwhGI/AAAAAAAABRs/WBVet2Wu-yM/s320/001.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks Mom and Sheylyn.</td></tr>
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As I sit here January 1st, thinking about all this again, I just want to say thank you again for all who went through our journey with us. God has done great things. I look forward to see what 2014 holds for our family. Pray with me for God to show me and provide the exact job He has for me. I'm ready to be back full-time working if that's what God has for me now. We just have a few kinks to work out logistically with one car and 3 of us working. God will work it out and has the right job waiting for me. Just pray that I listen. :) Thanks for your love and support these last 2 years.<br />
<br />
Happy New Year from the Sowry's!<br />
<br />
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<br />Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-37738111092151096762013-11-05T23:02:00.000-05:002015-12-19T17:02:12.859-05:00Her Monument's Up and Christine Wyrtzen's music<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UVzdqG_-A3A/T9wH6WJro-I/AAAAAAAAAis/NF52BS-rMsc/s1600/188.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UVzdqG_-A3A/T9wH6WJro-I/AAAAAAAAAis/NF52BS-rMsc/s320/188.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cayla's first time outside before we got in the car for our big ride home! <br />
We were both leaving Cleveland Clinic for the first time in a month. </td></tr>
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Recently, as I've been doing dishes or baking, I've been singing along with Christine Wyrtzen's CD that I've loved since Junior High. She came to Barcroft Bible Church sometime around 1982 or '83 and accompanied herself on the piano as she sang songs that even then moved my heart. I remember begging my dad to buy her record for me. Yes, it was during the transition time between records and cassette tapes... woah. I loved that record and learned and sang all the songs right along with her. The record was titled, "For Those Who Hurt". <br />
<br />
I remember when I was 15, I went to a week of summer camp at McLean Bible Church. All was well in my world when I left, only to come home that Friday to Mrs. Genter (my mom's best friend) waiting to pick me up at church because my mom was in surgery for, I believe, a double mastectomy. The details are still somewhat sketchy for me. The cancer went from the size of a pea to the size of an orange in a matter of a day or so. This was a hard time for all of us. I don't recall how my older brothers or sister were handling this, but one thing I remember is this record. I played it even more. I cried through the songs. God brought it into my life to have at a point when I'd really need it. That record was a lifeline for me. The songs "Carry Me", "Doves and Butterflies", and "My Father" were my favorite ones. I even sang "A Woman's Prayer" from this record to Lowell at our wedding.<br />
<br />
Well, I had my cassette player and went off to college 2 years later leaving my records behind. Over the years as the internet grew, I would try to look her up but never could find her, until about a year ago, not long after Cayla died. I found her website, Daughters of Promise and wrote her an email how wonderful it was to find her online and to tell her how much her music meant to me during one of the hardest times of my life. How I will never forget the impression she made on me as a teenager going through a very difficult time. I also told her about our precious Cayla Joy, her life and death. I also said I've tried to see if my dad could find that record buried away in boxes, but to no avail. Was this music still available on CD somewhere? <br />
<br />
Well, she wrote me back that yes, she has turned that record into CD's and that she wanted to send it to me absolutely free. I cried. I'm getting good at that... She promptly sent it with a nice note. I wish she had some of these songs on an accompaniment CD to sing to. I think she said she has sheet music for some of them, but I haven't been able to order those. Maybe someday.<br />
<br />
Soooo, for this past year or so, I've been reliving these same songs that helped me almost 30 years ago. :o) Isn't that amazing how God allowed me to find that music just when it would mean the most to me again? I've found myself listening to them over and over until this summer when I misplaced the CD. A couple of weeks ago, I found it and started playing it everyday again in the kitchen. <br />
<br />
It was 2 weeks ago on Monday, Oct. 21st that I was singing away when I realized it was my dad's birthday. Then instantly I recalled that 2 years ago on his birthday, I found out that life-changing news that I was pregnant again for the first time in 16 years. The music playing, my thoughts running away... I had my hands in soapy water in the sink and just bent down with my head on the sink and cried. I couldn't breathe and had to stand up. All the emotions came back again, and I cried out to God. I can't help wondering what it would have been like having her here. I'm fine here typing tonight, but at the time I just relived those 8 months of ups and downs and had a good cry. As I was trying to pull myself together standing there, I started listening quietly to the music as it played. These are the words that she was singing from this CD. I love how God orchestrates everything even down to the timing of the words I needed to hear at that moment.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">"Oh what a wonderful, wonderful rest</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Trusting completely in Jesus I'm blessed.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Sweetly he comforts and shields from alarms,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">holding me close in His mighty arms.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Pressing my tear stained cheeks to His own,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Hushing my grief with His sweet, gentle tone.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Touching my heart with His healing balm,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Holding me still in His mighty arms.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Troubles may rage, sin's surges may beat,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Never can they reach my sheltered retreat. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">I'm free from all danger, free from all dread,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">I'm resting quite safe in His mighty arms."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">an excerpt from the song, "Hiding in His Arms"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I just listened and thanked God for Cayla, for the message in the music, for Samuel, for Lowell, for everything that kept popping up in my heart. Tears are very cleansing. I was able to just continue washing dishes and sing along with her again. Thank you Christine Wyrtzen for your testimony of God's power to me. If I had more time, I'd write out the words to all the songs on this CD. I tried to find "Carry Me" on youtube, but nothing that was worth posting. I tried to download the CD onto my computer and copy it here, but that didn't work either. You can hear some of her songs on you tube, or go to her website and order one. :o) It's my favorite CD, I guess since it holds so much meaning to me. You can download the songs from iTunes here: <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/for-those-who-hurt/id405167064">https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/for-those-who-hurt/id405167064</a> or at least hear clips of them.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Throughout the rest of that week, I thought about the fact that Cayla would have turned a year and a half. Oh, and plus my mother-in-law told me that it looked like they were marking her grave and getting ready to lay the cement foundation. So of course, for the next three mornings, I took Samuel to work, took Lowell to work and then went to the cemetery to see if any more had been done. Well, it hadn't, so I made myself stop going down until I heard more. Here's a picture Jodi, Lowell's cousin took when she set it up for us. </div>
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We took off to Virginia on a little "We need to get away" trip to my brother Jim and Marla's house in Berryville, VA that Friday the 24th to Tuesday. Saw my dad too. We laid low and just kind of got rejuvenated. Don't we all need that sometimes? Although I felt bad dropping in on them with Marla being pregnant with her 8th child and due in less than 6 weeks. But they insisted and told us to come. I wanted to go to Lorena Roop's funeral since we were in VA, but it didn't work out. Sorry Kristi. </div>
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Being completely honest, which is hard to do with some topics, it was a little bit hard to see Marla pregnant with her little girl due the beginning of December. I really am happy for them. I'm just throwing it out there, because I've had a few struggles with the whole thing. Marla's been so good about being sensitive to me, to all of us. It's hard for her I'm sure too. I've beat myself up by going down the path of... she's a better mother and her little girl will have a house full of siblings to grow up with, while Cayla would end up being raised almost like an only child too. She has 8 children, why couldn't we even just have a second one... Blah, blah, blah. I could go on with more thoughts that plagued me, but you get the idea. I've been able to squash those thoughts pretty quickly, but they resurfaced off and on while there. </div>
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God's given me verses from the Bible that have just quieted some of these thoughts. Even in Acts 17:24-25, 28, it reassured me that the one and only, perfect God is completely in control of life and breath and even death. He had a plan for Cayla and numbered her days. I do trust him. Miss her, but trust Him.</div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">"God that made the world and all things therein, </span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">dwelleth not in temples made with hands; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed anything, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">For in Him we live, and move, and have our being;"</span></div>
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I guess I just needed to be reassured that God is trustworthy in what happens in my life. The good, the bad, it all works together to make me who I am. I am thrilled for Jim and Marla and at the same time understand that God gave Cayla life and breath, but allowed her to only live 60 days and in the process was able to point people to Him. :o) I do like that. It just helps me to write it out. Nothing major, but there nonetheless. </div>
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Well, it's late, but I'll close with yesterday, Monday, November 4th. I'm finally being forced to change my closets and drawers around from summer to winter clothes. I was pulling out plastic tubs trying to find things. Well, I pulled out a tub of Cayla's things that I hadn't touched since the day after she died when my mother-in-law, Wendy Hollon, and Erin Brown packed up everything for me and helped me sort what to get rid of and what to keep. I had no idea what I'd kept or given away. I thought I'd given away the first little outfit I bought her when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I'd given away her little socks she wore that looked like a ballet shoe on her non-casted foot. I thought I'd given away the little navy and white striped dress with the strawberries on it that she wore. Well, I opened this tub and all of that was in there, plus a sleeper from Grandma and Grampa Joe and the little outfit from Kari Birchler, and some other knitted things and gifts. Well, as soon as I saw her little dress and socks, I lost it. I bawled as I held up the few, little clothes she actually did get to wear. I buried my face in her blanket that she laid on all the time, and I cried. I know I sound like a weak mess of a person who's always weeping and crying, but tears are so healing. And outside of the times I mention in the blog, I'm a normal, as normal as I can be, functioning, wife and mom. At least I think so. I haven't asked Lowell and Samuel. Maybe we'll just keep moving on here...</div>
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In the midst of the tears, my heart's cry to God was for another baby, but only if it was His perfect will. God knows my heart. The last thing I want is a baby at almost 44 years old if it's not God's will for me. He knows my heart and knows how much I truly meant every word. If it's His will that I have no more children, then I asked Him to help ease the desire and maybe give me a job or some direction. I've really not pursued a job like I need to. I'm trying to change that. I don't know how it would work with three, full-time people working in this house with one car. It's in His hands. I'm in no hurry. :o) </div>
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Well, I'm going to change around a few things in Cayla's little box on her shelf. The socks are definitely going in and I'm going to trade out the onesie for the matching rose outfit and shoes. </div>
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I'm ready for bed. This post has been a while in coming. I've tried to write for over 2 weeks now, but tonight was finally the night. I'm feeling blessed tonight. God's been good! Love to all! </div>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-22368924160816782062013-09-06T22:30:00.002-04:002013-09-06T22:30:23.429-04:00Music with Gordon MoteI've not felt great this week physically, hormonaly and have been close to tears many times. I've been grumpy and feeling like I'm on the edge of that pit called depression, but just looking in. <br />
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Last night I went with Tina Siesel to hear Gordon Mote, the blind, really amazing piano player from the Gaithers. He started out with a song I haven't heard since youth group in the 80's, "Give Them All to Jesus". The words and music just took me back, and as I listened to the words, a few tears started falling. "Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life, and at the feet of Jesus lay them down." <br />
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He went on to some praise songs about Jesus, but it was too late. Something was triggered in me, and my thoughts went down the path to the day of Cayla's funeral. I guess because I was sitting with Tina that my mind went to afterwards when everyone was coming up to hug us and say goodbye to Cayla. I was going through the motions and talking, hugging, some tears, listening to words of comfort But when Tina stepped up, who's been there through so much for me and all of us during this whole time, I burst into tears and started weeping as I held her. I couldn't stop. I think someone had to come put a hand on me to keep me going. Here I am remembering this last night, and in the middle of a wonderfully happy song, I started crying again.<br />
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Then my mind went to Sheena Wood after the funeral with a similar reaction when I saw her in the line with little Gideon strapped on the front of her. Her words of comfort and just seeing Gideon for the first time at about a month old, was just precious. I just wanted to take him and hold him so I grabbed both of them and openly wept. This, is what was going through my mind while Gordon Mote was only on his 3rd song or so.<br />
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Then as I'm trying to get my focus back on the music, he starts sharing a story of a family that lost their child and proceeds to sing a song I assume he wrote about this family, and how their faith was helping those around them almost more than what people felt they were doing for them. We can still have joy no matter what happens because of Jesus. The song was about all that. Yes, you know I really lost it and was doing everything in my power not to just openly weep. Tina looked at me as I got a tissue out of my purse and gave me a hug. The setting, the music... the Lord sending healing music. I really was blessed and greatly encouraged by that song right along with the tears. <br />
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I don't know if there was a song in between or not, but shortly after that song, he sang, "Through It All". If you know the words... It was just another reminder of how great God is and that through it all I have learned about a life-changing faith and trust in Jesus Christ. I'll find the words and post them at the bottom. So, I sang along with him as I just lifted my face to heaven with the tears still flowing. What a release! The Lord knew I needed to be there and have wonderful music soothe my soul and remind me how awesome God is! I appreciated his words after the song about what each of our "it's" are in "Through <b>IT</b> All". We all have been through different things and God will be everything we need if we are willing to trust Him with our lives. So uplifting!<br />
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After sharing from Gordon, some laughter and pictures of his family, he sang some songs and then came to one that started off sounding just like my friend Tina's life. It was as if he knew we were coming and picked out songs about us... ;o) Okay maybe he didn't, but God did. She cried through the blessings and reminders in that song. Let's just say that everything about last night was just what this momma needed. God is good like that. Isn't He?<br />
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Afterwards, I got to see so many friends from our store that I hadn't seen in at least 2 years. Saw friends from church, and then I shook Gordon's hand and was able to just simply tell him thank you for being a blessing to me tonight. We got a group picture with Tina and my dear friend Ann Sutch who lent us all the big baby items for Cayla like the crib, bassinet and all that. <br />
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Just had to share my blessing last night. I went down memory lane, cried, smiled, cried some more and was reminded of God's greatness in the good and the bad times. :o) <br />
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Did I mention he plays the piano incredibly??? Oh, yes I did. ;o) He has a powerful, great voice as well.<br />
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Music is one of those things that within a moments notice can move me to tears. I love to go to hear good, godly music that lifts me up. I have few memories from childhood (to which I have learned I can credit the whole Celiac Disease to... topic for another time) ;o) but, I can remember times when our choir would sing songs at Barcroft Bible Church that would move me to tears even as a child. I remember that feeling of my throat tightening and the tears starting on many occasions with solos or groups too. I remember specifically crying at a Missionary Conference while the music was playing wondering what kind of mission field God would send me to. I am thankful for the gift of music God has given us and how it can lift our spirits when other things can't. <br />
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Thankful to be able to go last night. What a blessing! Had to share. Here's the words to "Through It All".<br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I've had many tears and sorrow, I've had questions for tomorrow,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">There's been times I didn't know right from wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">But in every situation, God gave me blessed consolation</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">That my trials come to only make me strong.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Through it all, through it all, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I've learned to trust in Jesus. I've learned to trust in God.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Through it all, through it all,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I've learned to depend upon His Word.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I've been to lots of places. I've seen a lot of faces.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">There's been times I felt so all alone.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">But in my lonely hours, yes, those precious lonely hours,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Jesus let me know that I was His own.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I thank God for the mountains, and I thank Him for the valleys.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">For if I'd never had a problem, I wouldn't know that He could solve them.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I'd never know what faith in God could do.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Through it all, through it all, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I've learned to trust in Jesus. I've learned to trust in God.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Through it all, through it all,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I've learned to depend upon His Word.</span></div>
Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-18865597796491825962013-08-26T21:27:00.000-04:002013-08-26T21:27:05.167-04:00Cayla's Little Joshie DollI've been thinking so much this past week and now that I sit here on the blog, I can't think of any of it... Listening to a song about the greatness of God. I'm a little distracted, but don't want to turn it off. I like the many radio choices on iTunes. There's something for every mood. <br />
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There's so much going on inside me. I don't honestly know how to put it in words, but that's never seemed to stop me from trying before... I've been wondering why I'm not really trying very hard to get a job. Lowell's been trying to push me, albeit gently, but still pushing me to try harder. This is the time people are hiring and I'm sitting back hiding. So, I wasn't really trying to figure my actions out, but I had a meltdown last week which explained a lot to me. Samuel could have probably done without the drama, but he graciously listened. Part of me is realizing I'm at a point where I'm going to go back to work full-time, Lord-willing. The only way that would happen is if I'm "done" raising my children. Well, I'm done. School's over for us. Samuel will turn 18 in a month. Cayla's in heaven. In my tears and exasperation I felt the finality of it. There is a little part of me that still feels like I shouldn't be at this crossroads, but I am. I truly have accepted Cayla's death and trust God's working through the good and the bad. I guess that doesn't mean my emotions won't keep popping up here and there. These thoughts hit me earlier. <br />
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I went to Job and Family Services, at least I think that's what it's called, last Wednesday. She gave me so much help and tips, I can hardly remember it all. A possible job opportunity came up and I'll know by Wednesday, August 28th if I got the job or not. I'm not worried either way because it's wonderful to trust Jesus to help me find the right job for me. <br />
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SOOO, I have to say... Sheena Wood and Jill Haskins have done a very special thing for me. Jill had a little boy, Joshua, born in August of 2010. He had the same congenital heart defect as Cayla did. He lived about the same amount of time too, but he never got to leave the hospital. Different circumstances, but still sweet little heart babies. Jill has very transparently shared her very painful story with me and encouraged me as I went through the death of Cayla and guilt and grief. <br />
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In honor of her Joshie, she, being extremely talented, has started making Joshie Dolls. The link to this page on Facebook is <a href="https://www.facebook.com/JoshieDolls">https://www.facebook.com/JoshieDolls</a>. You've go to check out the pictures of theses precious children and their dolls. She sews each child's scars on to be identical to it's owner. She places a little heart in the chest before she sows them back up. It's just so sweet to see the children get their special Joshie Doll that's just like them. I love scrolling through the pictures and seeing their before and after "surgery" pictures. Those that help her and Jill herself do this all voluntarily. They don't make money off of them. The cost is reflective of the cost it takes to make them. I thought that since Cayla has died, I don't need one, but they sure are fun to look at! <br />
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Well, Sheena Wood, who introduced me to Jill, and Jill got in on this together and made a Joshie Doll for us. She even was able to use a foot that wouldn't go straight to copy Cayla's club foot. :o) She's so sweet. When Sheena brought the doll by last week, under the auspice of bringing me some Chex Puppy Chow, I couldn't help myself and started crying when I realized what was in the bag. I feel so blessed. Such a sweet little Cayla/Joshie Doll! Check out their page and pass it on to anyone who has a child with a Congenital Heart Defect. <br />
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So, Jill, a huge thanks to you for your talent and heart. Sheena, a huge thanks to you for your love for people and making them know they're special. You both are very special people, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you! She's precious! Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-84905328657848426562013-07-13T23:03:00.002-04:002013-07-13T23:12:59.376-04:00$0.00 Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider It's Friday morning and I just got off the phone with Cleveland Clinic. On that phone call I heard the words, "Your account is at $0.00. You owe nothing more." I asked her to repeat it since I've heard that before, and she did. I asked her if that was for all 3 accounts we had there, and she said, "Yes. I can guarantee you 100% that you owe nothing else to Cleveland Clinic and will not receive a bill for Cayla again." I couldn't help myself and burst into tears on the phone. I'm still crying/weeping as I type. It's like something inside me has snapped. I can't stop crying. It's just a huge release of pressure or something. I don't know if it's because of the finality of it all or that the last bill of $2,365.00 we got in May, has been covered by God through the Bureau for Children with Medical Handicaps and Cleveland Clinic. I think it's because of both. It's good Samuel's out running and not here to hear me wail like this... I'm sure I'll cry all over again when I tell him and then again when I tell Lowell when he calls at lunch. Maybe I should wait and tell him after work. No, I don't think I can. <br />
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God has been so, so good to us. He has taught us to rely on Him for our needs and in the process supplied some of our wants. He's good like that. I feel so utterly undeserving of His goodness right now, but am so overwhelmed and thankful for it. What comes to mind is Psalm 136 - God's mercy endures forever! I've got to add some of those verses. Here's verses 1-9 and 23-26. <br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;">O Give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">To him who alone doeth great wonders: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">To him that stretched out the earth above the waters: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">To him that made great lights: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">The sun to rule by day: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">The moon and stars to rule by night: for his mercy endureth for ever...</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">Who remembered us in our low estate: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">And hath redeemed us from our enemies: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">Who giveth food to all flesh: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">O give thanks unto the God of heaven: for his mercy endureth for ever.</span></div>
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You know, I tried to tell her thank you as a representative of CC and apologize for my outburst and inability to stop crying, but she just told me to go on crying and it's "all good". She's going to send me a bill that shows everything at $0.00 and will settle the account out completely with Medical Mutual. She said she'd put her name and ID# on the bill to hold her to everything she said on the phone. </div>
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God is still showing how great He is through the life of our precious Cayla Joy! He knows where we're at in every aspect of our lives! He allows us to get to certain places in our life to see if we really are trusting Him. He wants to bless us, but also wants our obedience. <br />
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Well, I'm settled down. Feeling exhausted, relieved, and unsure what to do with myself. I've wanted to write here over the past month or so, but have been unable to. It's not that I've been too emotional to write or even depressed, just that I either didn't know what to say or how to say it. I never even tried to sit down and write. I have to have something to say, for the most part, or I can't write. I can't just sit and write that Cayla died a year ago. I don't know what else to say. I've shed my tears, laughed and loved with her through pictures. It is what it is. God made her for this very specific purpose, and she's His, in His arms. As much as I've always wanted more children, I truly am okay with all that has happened. I hope I've learned and done what God intended to accomplish through my beautiful daughter's life. I'm blessed too because I can see some of how God used her life. I know many people lose children or loved ones, and don't see the purpose for it until heaven. God has worked in many people's hearts because of Cayla Joy, and souls have been saved. What an honor. I'll say it again, I truly am okay with all that's happened. Would I have done it this way? No. Am I God? No. Would I rather trust a perfect God? Absolutely.<br />
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I've mentioned this before, but I don't think in the blog. There's a song called "God's Been Good". It has a line in the chorus that says, "and though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could...". I wanted to sing this song Sunday, June 23rd since Cayla died the 22nd, but couldn't because of that line. I know God has done things in our lives through Cayla's life and death that couldn't have been accomplished any other way. He's changed me through this, but I can't truly say that line. Yet. I do wish she could have lived. I do wish she would have been healthy. I do wish I still had my little girl. God could still have used her life for His glory. I'm not trying to undo all the good that God has done and is doing because of Cayla's life and death, I'm just being honest. Every time I came to that line, I felt like a liar. I just skipped it, but knew I couldn't sing the song if I didn't believe what I was singing, which is sad because it's such a good song. Oh well, there's another song on PCC's album "God Is Good" called "Even in the Valley". This one I'll have to sing with Larina. It's all good! Someday, I do hope to be able to sing that line. I'm just not there yet.<br />
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I've been gone all evening and our internet went out this afternoon, so I'll have to finish this tomorrow. <br />
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Well, we're now home from hiking at Nelson's Ledges, and it's 2:30 pm Saturday afternoon. I'm so tired, but feeling great. <br />
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So, I'm facing an empty nest, and part of me flinches when I say that. It's going to be okay. We will just always continue to go through events in life and wonder what life would be like if Cayla were with us. That is just something we will do. Even sitting at my brother's bonfire while everyone was making s'mores last Saturday night, I started quietly crying in the dark just trying to picture Cayla with all her cousins. When we went to Columbus for Samuel's graduation in June, we sat around talking about how that weekend would be different with Cayla. Would we have been able to do and go to all the places we did? Which made us stop and think about where she'd be in the line of surgeries. Who knows? But these conversations will pop up randomly throughout our lives. Sometimes there's sweet tears, sometimes there's smiles and stories. God's love and comfort is always there. His perspective. It changes everything. I am learning to sit and listen more. I don't think I've done a whole lot of listening at times with God. I talk, I read, I ask forgiveness and ask for needs, then I run off again into my day. Listening is good. I wish I'd done more of it in the past. <br />
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So thinking about what's coming up this week. Wednesday, July 17th, will be our 20th anniversary! I keep telling everyone I deserve a medal. Well, if I do, he does too. I might seem all sweet and kind and outgoing and all, but like I said earlier, I'm not always a good listener nor a good follower. He's put up with his share of craziness from me and I with him. You know, you ask a person why they love someone and they can say all sorts of nice things about them, but in a marriage it's not always full of all the nice things they do. There's a lot of other junk that rears its ugly head. Why I know I will always love Lowell is because when the ugly stuff happens, I can get mad - he can get mad, and in the midst of it all, I can look at him and still have such unexplainable love for him. I can complain, but I can also forgive. We are anything but perfect, but no matter what happens, I know he loves me even at my worst. We made our vows, "Till death do us part." It is the Lord helping us to love when we don't feel like it. It's the Lord opening our eyes to what we need to do to change and keep the marriage going. It's not about changing the other person. The Lord knows we've both tried! Ha! Anyways, God's working in us and keeping our marriage strong through the hard times. Who knows what the next 20 years will hold! <br />
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Well, we've been busy with Samuel's graduation. That went so well and right into his open house the next weekend with lots of family here. We are praying for Samuel as he makes decisions for his future. He's still looking into the Air Force. I will be happy with him anywhere if that's where God wants him. Military or not. We went to Virginia to see my brother Jim and his family and my dad and Pat. Very good to relax a little and get a change of scenery with family. Got to see Kim Yeatts and Debbie Fitts while we were there too. <br />
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Thanks for listening and rejoicing with us over God providing for us! Pray for me and Samuel to find jobs. For Lowell as he works through the loss of Cayla in his own way, which is nothing like me. We all handle grief differently. So we love and appreciate you all and your prayers! <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My brother and his family of 9. Kim Yeatts and 3 of her girls. <br />
Debbie Fitts and 5 of her children, and the 3 of us at the <br />
Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum near Dulles International Airport, Northern Virginia.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Debbie, me and Kim</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Debbie and I. Went to youth group together back in the good old 80's. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kim and I. We met when we were 5 years old back in the day... almost 40 years ago. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Space Shuttle 'Discovery' that was flown in by piggy-back last fall on its final flight.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My guys.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Samuel's graduation open house</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Samuel with Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, Aunt Cathie and Matt, and cousins Hannah and Sheylyn<br />
at the Columbus Convention Center.</td></tr>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-55598310401639104192013-05-25T23:19:00.001-04:002013-05-26T08:39:20.672-04:00Financial and Emotional Blessings<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;">"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee:"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Psalm 55:22</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">"...and of faith unfeigned:"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">I Timothy 1:5</span></div>
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I feel like my burden is getting lighter. It had become heavy a few weeks ago, but it's very light right now thanks to God and how He works in my life and those around me. I only put the last phrase of the verse in Timothy. I Timothy has been a great book to read. Read the rest of the verse, the chapter and book. The verse says our goal is love from a pure heart and conscience "...and of faith unfeigned." Fake faith is one thing I never want to be accused of. God is more real to me every day that passes. If my friends and family can't see my faith in God is real, then God's not getting glory from my life. I pray that whatever He brings into my life will give Him glory. He has blessed us financially through friends, family, Lowell's job, insurance, and BCMH. I didn't think we'd still be dealing with finances for Cayla a year later, but we are, but God's faithful through it all! He has blessed us emotionally with family, friends and His Word. Even just knowing my in-laws are stopping and checking on her grave site helps me. There are so many things to praise God for, this whole post is just part of it. I'm warning you now, it's turned out to be a long one. So much going on, but we are blessed. We are looking forward to Samuel graduating next weekend and his open house June 8th! We have a wonderful son who loves the Lord that we have been blessed with. Cayla was a blessing too, and we do have much to be thankful for. So here goes. I'll put a picture of my two children in here first though and then one of Samuel and I at 11 pm this past Mother's Day.<br />
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We thought we were through with bills from Cleveland Clinic. Silly us. We'd just paid down the amount we were told was left after insurance. So, we then got another (random) list a couple of months ago totaling another $2,300 they say we have to pay. We tried to call and get things figured out, but didn't get anywhere. We got busy and set it aside. Well, we got a "Final Notice" on these items again. I called them, they said they'd given the list to BCMH (Bureau for Children with Medical Handicaps) back in January and this is apparently what's left over to pay. So, I called BCMH and got the claims supervisor. She said they received this list in January and paid for much of them, and proceeded to go through all the charges on my list and tell me what we're not responsible for. She took off $1,300 from the $2,300 and said what we owed for sure was about $350. But I had a $200 and $500 charge on mine that they had not received. She said she would ask what the $700 was and try to get rid of that bill and call Cleveland Clinic to take off the other charges they'd paid. Yay! I said God is good, right? <br />
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So I called CC's in house collection agency and told them what she said. He took the lady's name and phone number and said he would mark our account pending until he'd heard more. <br />
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Then an hour later, she calls me back from BCMH and said she was going to ask CC to write off our $350. So, this COULD be the end of the bills, although I've said this before, so don't hold me to it. I only cried once during the phone calls. I was very proud of myself since I usually bawl through entire conversations that deal with bills. <br />
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BCMH asks every doctor at CC to be a part of their program. Some say no, many say yes. The charges that BCMH couldn't cover were from certain doctors that weren't under their plan. But BCMH has covered quite a bit for us that insurance did not cover which has been a life-saver and a huge blessing! God is taking care of us through so much! I will ask for prayer that CC will write the rest off. If we have to pay it, we will, but... you know. If we don't, even better!<br />
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I was washing dishes yesterday and had the thought that it's been a year or so since Cayla came home, and I was washing a thousand little pieces every day besides our regular dishes. I just left the big towel on the counter next to the sink with all her "stuff" on it. There were big (normal) 8oz bottles that I used to mix the milk with some formula. There were little bottles that she used every other feeding. There were big syringes for full feedings through the NG tube. There were medium sized syringes to use for what was left over after her attempt with the bottle. There were small syringes for water to rinse the NG tube every time after we used it and for pumping air every time to check that the tube was in place. There were smaller syringes for her calcium and ... you know, I can't remember what the other medicine was she had to take. Oh well, she had to take them twice a day. Then there were the milk bottles that I used for pumping and storing my milk. Then there was all my pumping paraphernalia that had to be washed every 3 hours. I had multiples of most of these items, so I only had to wash them all once a day. Thus I say a thousand little pieces, I mean a thousand little pieces with every syringe and bottle having 2-3 parts. But I had a routine down and everything was going fairly smoothly with all that. This is what went through my mind as I washed my few plates and silverware pieces yesterday. I was *almost* missing all the washing just because it meant that Cayla was here. But in reality, I don't miss the craziness. I miss Cayla. But God's been so faithful.<br />
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I had a rough few weeks around the last days of April and couple of weeks into May where I was fighting depression. I was trying to stay busy, but just wearing myself out. Mother's Day was very busy with revival services that day and the following week with Mark Rogers. It was actually a huge blessing and help for me to refocus and know that it's okay to not think about Cayla 24/7. I'm not going to forget her and maybe I felt that I would if I wasn't thinking about her. I don't know, I don't like to over-analyze myself. <br />
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The week before Mother's Day was a week I cried more than I had the last two months. I had some stress in my life. The Prayer Breakfast put on by the Concerts of Prayer board that I'm on, was having Sandi Patty as our speaker that Friday. There was just a lot of work going into that to make it happen smoothly which was stressing me out a bit. And I must add it went off perfectly that morning despite all the glitches we had to work through! God helped us all through that. I was still tutoring every morning that week. Samuel had to be completely done with all his work by early the next week and I was stressing some over that getting done well. And he got it all done and ended up with A's and B's and one C. He's graduating next Saturday! Plus that week I was thinking about my mom and Cayla. You know Mother's Day is just going to be one of those emotional holidays for me. So I'll be prepared next year. <br />
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The depression is lifting as I'm getting back into God's Word and remembering that we are all going to go through difficult times in life. I can't hold onto this as a crutch that will hold me back. Cayla is in heaven and as long as I keep my focus on Him, I'm okay. It's such a simple thing, but it's not. It is, and it isn't. You know what I mean. Right? I don't want to be one of those people that never moves on after tragedy. It's changed me, but I am still here and ready to be used by God for the rest of the days he gives me. I miss my baby girl so much, but am ready to see what God has next for me. Samuel's done with high school, and I'm done homeschooling, so a whole new chapter is starting for me. We will see.<br />
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I know I've been talking a lot here, but I have to share the conversation I had with my friend Julie. I've tutored her son for Kindergarten and her in a little algebra. Wonderful people who'd do anything for you. I usually end up staying after I tutor, and we talk about all that's going on in schools today, her nursing job, or whatever, and recently we talked about Cayla. She started asking questions about it all, and I love talking about her. As I was going through the basic things that happened in her little life, she sat and intently listened, asked a few pointed questions and then said something that I'd not heard. Coming from a person in the medical field who had nothing to do with all this as it was happening, but to give an opinion from an "outside" viewpoint was very helpful. She basically said Cayla could have very easily been septic from the beginning and was definitely septic much longer than just the day she died. Cayla had no muscle at her anus to hold her bowel movements in because her anus was in the wrong place which stretched the piece that connected her bowel and anus. Her bowel would build up most of the time until you lifted her to change her and then you'd get a big gush. Sorry for the topic, but this is what killed her. When she was born, she was covered in it and came out a mess. She continued to have these episodes which Julie said could easily have been caused by her bowel backing up into her system from the beginning since it wasn't releasing properly. Everyone was saying how fast the infection went through her the day she died, but I didn't catch it until a little while before she went into an unconscious state that morning. Then she was gone in 4 hours. We've been reliving that night and morning and the whole week over and over in our minds, both Lowell and I. We can find many things to blame ourselves for that could have caused her death, but in reality, she had to have been septic a lot longer than that day. It had to be building up and backing up into her system for days. When we took her back into the hospital a year ago this weekend, they put her on antibiotics and her body settled down, but they ran test after test to find the source of the infection and never were able to. Well, I'd say it was her bowel, I guess. The way Julie explained what she thinks caused her death, whether it's true or not (only God knows), allowed me to let go of the wrong decisions I made the day she died. It seems it was inevitable. Even with the colostomy bag, she could so easily have had problems that would have led to her death. And then when you add in her weakened immune system issue of not knowing how strong it was, it was a matter of time I suppose. This thought does relieve some of the pressure I've put on myself over the past year. I'm not blaming myself for her death, I really have given that to God a long time ago, but it doesn't mean I don't think and relive those moments and decisions. I guess all this is just one more step forward to letting go of pain and blame and all that goes with it. I am very grateful God has used Julie in my life, and am praying God can use me in her life as well. <br />
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Thanks for listening. I've needed to write for a while, but haven't allowed myself the luxury to just sit and type when there's so much I need to be doing. It feels good to get this all out there. This is a long post and I still didn't even talk about her head stone for the cemetery. We didn't know exactly when he laid the concrete foundations and missed it by a day. He won't be doing that again until September or October, so I guess we will have to wait. Plus we want to focus on Samuel right now anyways, and we need to save a little more money. But a huge praise about that, another financial blessing! Friends from many years ago, have so wonderfully blessed us with money to put towards her grave marker! Thank you so, so much. We were going to put a simple little, slanted marker there since they're the most inexpensive, but Lowell's cousin Jodi from Baumgardners Funeral Home, who did Cayla's funeral, showed us one she had on hand that's a heart with a lamb on it. It's made of pink granite. Once I saw this, it was hard to go back to a little marker. She did mark the price down some which is another blessing. We will see. It's going to be $2 to 300 more, but now we have more time to save up. Apparently we're in no hurry to get this headstone up. <br />
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I could add some pictures... maybe I will. Since I talked about her first moments in this world, here's a picture I haven't put out where she's covered in quite a mess. The second one is where we kind of chuckled at the picture of her behind kind of hanging like that, but had no idea why or that it was more of a problem than we would ever realize.<br />
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Here's what's on the background of my computer desktop right now. It's how I remember her.</div>
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I guess I'll also add a picture of the stone Jodi has that we will probably get. </div>
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Thanks for all the love and prayers! </div>
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<br />Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-85575899869147315162013-04-25T23:39:00.001-04:002013-04-25T23:45:27.412-04:00A Year LaterIt's been a year now since we had our precious Cayla Joy. When a milestone like a 1st birthday of a baby in heaven approaches, there's no telling how each person will face it or handle it. I was obviously not anticipating celebrating this day, but still very unsure how it would effect me and my family. Without saying much, many have just been giving extra hugs, cards, notes, verses, and other tangible evidence of their love and support over the last week or so. Plus, many have quietly prayed for us and for God to give us His perfect comfort through this time, and He has. I think many have tried not to talk about it to be sensitive to where we're at. Problem is, I don't know where I'm at. I thought I'd be weepy and who knows what, but I was wrong. Then I thought, well, maybe I'm just repressing my emotions (not something I'm known for), or in denial somehow (not usually me either). But, no. I think I'm just simply loving the memories of a year ago, wishing to be back there in the midst of all the excitement and wonder of having another baby after so many years. I have been reliving it all, and the memories that are coming to me are the feelings of how my world (as my life was at the time) came to a screeching halt when I had Cayla. Whether I wanted to or not, my focus became little Miss Cayla Joy. Okay, now I'm crying just typing this out. <br />
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That day a year ago was one of the highlights of my life. I never thought we'd ever get the privilege to have another baby, but God gave Cayla Joy to us. That in itself is enough to blow me away in it's magnitude. There is nothing that quite compares to having a baby. It's in a category all by itself. It's one of life's most incredible moments. September 20, 1995 and April 24, 2012, will always be up near the top of the list of my life's most amazing days. I was so excited, so looking forward to actually holding her and touching her to make it all real. <br />
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I could go on, but it will probably make me cry again, and you get the point. This time last year was something I'd love to remember over again, and brings thoughts and feelings that I really can't even describe. I even feel at times that I'd love to go back to Cleveland Clinic just to see, smell and feel it all again. Out of the 60 days she lived, 35 were at the hospital. So, as I relive this week from last year, it's all good. I've laughed, smiled, dreamed, and I felt very blessed for being given such a precious gift. <br />
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I'm not grieving like I thought I would. As we were going through pictures of those first couple of days, we were looking at things we didn't notice before and were telling stories and memories. There's tears, but more smiles. I'm thinking that June 22nd might be a different story, but only time will tell.<br />
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I do want to thank everyone who's praying for us. I give God the glory for making this week a good one when by all estimations, it shouldn't be. God is faithful in keeping His promises. There's just no getting around it. God's as real and a part of our lives as the nose is on my face. He really did give her to us for His purposes, and if that means that many of us were made to think about where we stand with God and what we're doing with our lives, then I pray her life was worth it. <br />
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Yesterday morning, April 24th, I opened my Bible and did the "open and point your finger" thing. I found myself in I Corinthians 15. My eye was drawn to some verses I'd underlined. Verses 14-18 were right what God had for me to read. We celebrated Jesus' resurrection a few weeks ago on Easter. If He had not risen from the dead, then the entire Bible, God, preaching about it and our faith is all in vain. Verses 17 and 18 say,<br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;">"And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished."</span><br />
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If Jesus hadn't rose again, I'd have no hope of seeing Cayla again. Through David's example with his baby that died, these little ones that are not old enough to understand, are His and with Him in Heaven. This verse says that if Jesus' resurrection isn't real, none of us can go to Heaven when we die, and we will all perish and spend eternity in hell, a lake of fire. BUT, Jesus DID rise from the dead and we DO have His promise that those who've put their faith in Him and believe, "asleep" or alive, will NOT perish but be in Heaven with Him. I don't know I'll see Cayla again because I hope I will or think I will because that's what I want to have happen. I know I'll see Cayla again because Jesus Christ rose from the dead and everything He says in His Word, the Bible, is 100% true. That, is what Jesus gave me yesterday morning! Isn't that just awesome?! </div>
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After I called Samuel in and we read through I Corinthians 15:1-18 together and talked about sharing our faith as it's laid out in verses 3 and 4 and then going on to the power in Jesus Christ's resurrection, we were ready for the day. I have mentioned before that Cayla was born on Mrs. Emery's birthday (our Pastor's wife). They were unable to have children, and when we realized that these 2 would share a birthday, I thought that was pretty special. I was thinking about this last weekend and didn't want Mrs. Emery's birthday to have a negative feeling associated with it. So, I thought I should have her over for lunch that day. Then I thought I can't hog her all to myself, so I thought I'd give her a surprise party that morning at my house. It was the perfect thing to do, and as I look back, I feel that God put this thought in my head to do this. For one, I got to plan a birthday party, even if it wasn't Cayla's. I quietly told whoever I saw Sunday (sorry if I missed someone, but I couldn't announce it and this was kind of last minute). There were 13 of us here and yes, we did manage to surprise her. Yay! It was such a beautiful time of fellowship and just what I needed with such sweet people loving me in so many ways. I am a blessed woman! I didn't have the time to write yesterday, so I put as my status on facebook that I was feeling loved. </div>
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After everyone left around 2, my sister and I talked for almost an hour and a half. I haven't had such a wonderful, uplifting, talk with her that was that long in a while. I think we both needed it. I love you Kathy!!! Then I fell asleep on the couch for about an hour before getting ready to pick up Lowell from work. My brother John called me the night before, and I had a really good talk with him and then I got to talk to his wife Lisa last night too! Jim and Marla called me while we were at the cemetery and I'll catch her tomorrow. I love my family. All of them on my side and Lowell's. They have been there with us through all of this, and I know we wouldn't be where we are without all their support and love! </div>
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Yesterday, when we went to pick up Lowell, it was raining when we left the house, sleeting by the time we picked him up, and a yucky, muddy mess with umbrellas by the time we arrived at the cemetery. Of course Tuesday was an absolutely gorgeous day when Lowell and I stopped by Kelly's Gardens to get some pansies for Cayla's graveside. We did take the flowers and actually left them there. Lowell' mom and sister Cathie came with Tyler and Sheylyn with their flowers too. I'd like to say it was a beautiful little moment there, remembering our precious Cayla Joy, but with the weather and mud and all, it was hard to stop and think. We almost sang Happy Birthday to her, but even that didn't seem to fit. (Although I did hear that Cayla's cousins in Florida got together on their own and sang Happy Birthday to her.) :o) I guess we should have tried after all. Oh well, it wasn't quite what we were hoping for, but we definitely will never forget this precious baby girl. Some very dear friends sent us a gift card to Applebee's to let us know they were remembering Cayla with us (so blessed!). So we went afterwards to dinner with Lowell's mom and had a really nice time talking and remembering and telling stories. She was such a huge part of all that went on last year being there with us through it all. Love you mom, so very, very much! You will never know how much you and Joe mean to us. I can't put it in words. Just know you're loved so much! </div>
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I suppose I need to wind down here. It's now 11:20 pm and I'm definitely ready for bed. Through all of this, I've realized that I forgot to order Samuel's graduation announcements. I set them up and got them ready on Shutterfly, but then never finished and bought them. They even make it so easy to do, I just was waiting for what, I don't know. So hopefully they will get here soon and I can send them out. He's graduating June 1st, which is just around the corner and then his open house is the following Saturday, June 8th. So, I have much to do to keep me busy and out of trouble, I hope. Between Samuel's graduation, some tutoring, and helping to organize the Ashtabula County Prayer Breakfast with Sandi Patty May 10th, I'll have lots to keep me from sitting around moping or feeling sorry for myself and all that good stuff. </div>
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Thanks for all the love, prayers, encouragement, hugs, and cards! We truly are blessed by all of you and by our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ! We could do nothing with out Him! I'll do a post later with some pictures. Too tired to download them right now, but I'll close out with a sweet picture of Cayla and me exactly one year ago when she was a day old. Missing and loving my sweet, precious girl!</div>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-25245965396063316522013-03-24T16:12:00.001-04:002013-03-24T16:45:14.361-04:00March 2013 (don't know what else to call it...)I start writing at times and then never publish it to my blog. I guess I can go back and publish this from earlier in the month. Looking at my calendar, this first part was a couple of weeks ago. I started writing a little more some time later and I guess I'll finish it today, March 24th.<br />
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Tuesday, March 5, 2013<br />
Well, I dropped Lowell off at work around 8:20 this morning and didn't have to be to my Bible study until 9:30. Not being far from Jefferson, I decided to drive down to Lenox Cemetery. It was around 30 degrees out, the ground was frozen and covered with frost and snow in places, yet I sat down there next to the wreath, cross, and little angel in front of Cayla's grave. As I talked to God, the tears just started flowing. I couldn't stop them. I really didn't want to. As I sat there loudly weeping, I had the fleeting thought that I was glad I was off the beaten path. I'm not sure what set me off, but probably just the setting was enough to trigger the onslaught of tears. I lost track of time, and without realizing it, found myself frozen there about 40 minutes later. I thought it had been maybe 10 or 15 minutes, but the quiet, peaceful, reflective, and overwhelming setting allowed me the chance to just let it all out and pour my heart out to God. Nothing held back. <br />
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It felt good to be there and talk to God about Cayla Joy. A lot of back and forth, getting-things-off-my-chest kind of talk went on. There's just a part of us finite human beings that so badly wants to understand an infinite God. I wish I knew the mind of God. I wish I understood all of this. At times I wish I could have just had a healthy baby girl and was now just enjoying my little treasure of a baby girl. God finally allowed me to have another baby, and this is where I start having pity parties with myself. Once I start thinking of how so many people are blessed with many children, and now 16 years later, I am blessed with a baby girl only to lose her, I can work myself up into a quite a crying spree in seconds. But God. He knows the beginning to the ending and sees the whole picture. I know I go on about Cayla at times, but the discouraging thoughts usually are turned over to God and then I'm okay. It's okay to ask why, as long as I accept and learn from any part of an answer I may get. It is wrong when I let my unanswered whys cause me to sin though. <br />
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All this to say that I'm still here with human emotions. God's still the same perfect and holy God. I read this quote recently, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we've been given." And I must say He's very good at His job! I do understand how God has used Cayla's short life for His glory. There is no question there, but I also understand that I miss my baby girl something awful.<br />
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March 24th<br />
I seem to only post when I've been crying. I guess if I'm doing okay and talking about Cayla without crying then what's there to write about? ;o)<br />
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I recently gave some verses to my friend who's going through a very, very hard time. Today, March 24th, I've been struggling through my emotions of missing Cayla being that she'd be 11 months old today. Last night there were tears and today there are tears at times. I'm good about being able to "keep busy" so I can't just sit and think about it. A little bit ago, God brought those same verses to me, and I realized if they're good for her, they're probably good for me too. So, I looked them up again today...<br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;</span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;">we are perplexed, but not in despair; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">2 Corinthians 4:8,9</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">yet the inward man is renewed day by day.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">for the things which are seen are temporal;</span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;">but the things which are not seen are eternal."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">2 Corinthians 4: 16-18</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">"The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Proverbs 18:10</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">"I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord</span><br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Wait on the Lord: be of good courage,</span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;">and he shall strengthen thine heart:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">wait, I say, on the Lord."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Psalm 27:13-14</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">"Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">there is no searching of his understanding. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">they shall mount up with wings as eagles; </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Isaiah 40:28-31</span></div>
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Had to share these. There is so much to look forward to in eternity. There is so much strength available for the here and now, no matter what I face. I am not utilizing the power I have through Jesus Christ. I need to, so I can wait on Him. Rest in Him. Trust Him. I will run to Him and be safe and strong, not weary or faint. God knows just what I need. Amazing how a time a prayer with Jesus will change a lot. I will still cry at times and grieve the loss of my precious Cayla Joy, but that's not the end of the story which allows me pick myself back up and keep moving on. </div>
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Thank you Jesus!</div>
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Some sweet pictures my brother John and sister-in-law Lisa took when they visited about 2 weeks before she died. So precious! Thank you Jesus for such a precious girl and time with her! You can click on pictures to see them bigger. :o)<br />
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-21745732254604451832013-02-18T21:42:00.001-05:002013-02-18T21:46:38.936-05:00Cayla's little grave marker and Hope<br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79; text-align: center;">"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Psalm 42:11</span></div>
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Years ago I used to wonder how people could let themselves get so despondent to the point they were unable to get out of that deep pit of depression. "Just get up and do something for someone else." "Ask for help." "Look around you at all the good there still is in life." These are thoughts you just want them to think about and do. It's not that hard... Yeah. Right. I'd have to say my thoughts have changed a bit this past year. I do admit it's hard to get out once you've let yourself go there, because as long as you stay there, you keep moving deeper into the pit. <br />
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I've been blessed being God's child, that even when I was working my way down into that pit, I always had a life line attached to me. I've been in that pit, hung over the edge, hovered at the top, walked away from it, and went back to the edge many times this past year in my grieving process. Thanks to Jesus, I've been able to get out and walk away from it. Yes, I've had bouts of depression as I've grieved over Cayla, and even these past couple of days, I've just found myself missing her so much. I cry wanting to hold her, kiss her and just love all over her again. I can't help it. I cried hearing the song Saturday, "Serenaded by Angels". I've not been able to focus on the words I read in the Bible, or to pray and talk to God. Then all of the sudden, I read a verse like Psalm 42:11 and my hope and peace are there replacing grieving and sadness. I guess I need to remember to keep reading the Bible even when I don't want to or don't think I can. God will speak to me and remind me of the hope I have in Him.<br />
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Tonight, Monday, I'm still just seeming to be on the verge of tears at any given moment, yet haven't cried. I still feel that heaviness in my heart, but it's okay, because even though right now I can't seem to get it to go away, I'm still somehow at peace because I know God is there. I know God is still working in me and holding me. He will heal my countenance. He is my God. These feelings will come, but I know they won't stay. He will let me cry and comfort me. He doesn't say He'll take all the pain away, just be there with me through it to ease it. That's kind of where I'm at right now. Well, now that I'm typing my thoughts out, it's making me cry. Of course I'm laughing now too because I'm crying over my writing. Crazy emotions and I'm not even hormonal... :o) <br />
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Who knew that our countenance could have health issues? I love the part where He "is the health of my countenance". He is my ability to smile, laugh, sing no matter what. He heals the frowns, tears and crying. I will praise Him. Yes, I will praise Him! The struggles will still be there, but so will my hope because of Him.<br />
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Yesterday, we all (Lowell, his mom, Samuel, and I) went to Cayla's grave. We haven't had the money to put a headstone at her grave yet. This summer we are planning on doing that. Meanwhile, it's been bothering Lowell that there's nothing there saying who she was or even what her little precious name was. So, Lowell went to Hobby Lobby, and he and Samuel bought a plain wood plaque, some plain wooden letters, stickers, spray paint and shellac. He painted the letters and the background and asked me to put them on the plaque somehow and then he shellacked the whole thing. <br />
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We've kept the wreath up from her funeral and a while ago, put some fake red berries around it for the winter. Well, Lowell was ready to put his plaque up for Cayla for the next couple of months. So that's what we did yesterday after church. It's just a sign telling all that our precious Cayla Joy's little body lies here. It's sweet though, especially since Daddy did it with lots of love. Once the weather clears up and spring decides to come, we'll do a little something more there, but until then, I just love our reminder of our precious Cayla Joy. :o) Lots of love!<br />
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<br />Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-40507664528850895432013-02-04T00:01:00.002-05:002013-02-04T00:21:47.635-05:00Thoughts... Emotions... It's Sunday afternoon and I'm realizing it's February 3rd. This day last year was on a Friday and was our first visit with the specialist, Dr. Rajabi. That was when we found out for the first time that Cayla had a problem with her heart. This Sunday a year ago, I started my blog. A lifetime has happened since then, yet in some ways, I remember sitting here in the same place trying to set this up and find just the right background for Cayla's blog. I still love the roses and colors. It's her. Okay so it's her and me. I love flowers and had visions of what my little girl's room would look like someday. Of course with her input and permission to make it the way I pictured it... ;o) Oh well. It's still fun to dream.<br />
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I'm trying to remember what it was like being pregnant. So much joy and anticipation. I just LOVED going to every OB visit because I got to see her every time. It made it seem somewhat more real. Even though I could feel her moving, it all was so hard to grasp at times. I loved having my mother-in-law there too. What sweet times all those drives out to Hillcrest were with her. Thanks Mom!!<br />
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You know, I've seen a bunch of OB's and doctors in my life, even in the last month, but I have to say that Dr. Rajabi's quiet, listening, completely in tune attitude was so refreshing. He was Cayla's doctor for 3 months and reminds me of an extremely special time in our lives. During those months, he was our connection to Cayla and how she was doing. I could tell he was about to tell me some bad news that day Samuel and I met him. As I listened to all he was trying to explain about Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, he kept repeating info and terms slowly to let it all sink in. I am just saying all this because this day a year ago, changed our lives. It was really a blessing from the Lord to not have a doctor that lines up all his patients in rooms and runs down the line spending 5 minutes with each one. We could talk, listen, ask every possible question and get such clear, easy to understand answers. I just forgot how that's not always the case. Cayla was in good hands. We were blessed. Thanks again, Dr. Rajabi.<br />
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I still find myself wondering what my life would be like with Cayla here. She'd be a little over 9 months old. My mind wanders a lot. I can't go there. Ok, moving on to the next thought this afternoon....<br />
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I've had people tell me over these past months to be angry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be angry with God. Let it all out. I can honestly say that I have not had that emotion in regards to Cayla's death. I would get angry with God about as much as I would shoot my foot off to get rid of an itch. (Not sure where that comparison came from, just the first thing that popped in my head... scary.) It's true though. Anger was not something I had to deal with, especially toward God. <br />
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Well, those of you that told me this, you'll be glad to know it happened. I was angry. I was angry at the loss of a dream for Samuel. It was strange in a way, but while Cayla was alive, one of the many pictures I conjured up in my head was of Samuel pulling Cayla in a little red wagon. I had tried at times to picture Samuel and Cayla together over the years ahead and what it would be like for Samuel to have this precious little sister. I was so ecstatic for him to finally have a sister even if she was 16 and 1/2 years younger. HE was so ecstatic to have a little sister. Well, I saw a picture recently of a friend on facebook with her teenage son pulling a red wagon with his little sister in it. Who'd of ever thought this would have had a profound impact on me, but I started crying before I consciously even realized what the picture was. A chord was hit inside me and within a few seconds a flood of tears came. It didn't help that the little girl I'd been seeing pictures of had beautiful red hair, kind of what I'd pictured Cayla's would be like. I saw Samuel and Cayla in that picture and realized the death of a dream. The death of a dream for Samuel. A little while later, I went upstairs feeling overwhelmed and said so to Lowell. He told me I need to say "No." to all these things I'm volunteering for. I told him it was Cayla. He got up and put his arms around me, and I cried all over again. Then, I started getting angry. If he wouldn't have been holding me, I'd have put my fist through the wall, or at least attempted it. I squeezed him instead. I just pulled my hands up to the back of his shoulders and squeezed his arms so hard, yet he didn't even flinch. He just told me to get it all out. At one point I tried to get control and he told me to not stifle it just keep crying if I wanted to. I felt angry that Samuel never got to do much with his little sister. The more I thought of all the dreams that were shattered for him, and I'm sure all of us even though he was on my mind, I got angrier and angrier. I always said I never wanted Samuel to grow up an only child. I know I don't have control over that. I started thinking about him not even getting to spend a lot of time with her for the 8 weeks he did have her. She was only home for 3 weeks and before that was weekends and a day here or there with her in the hospital. Not very quality time. We were really just getting to that stage of him getting to really enjoy her and not feel like he was going to break her every time he picked her up. It was such a release to feel this and deal with it. I still can say I wasn't angry at God, just angry. It came and it went, but God conquered. I am very thankful for Lowell. He's not always sure what to do with me, but neither am I. I haven't felt that strong emotion of anger again. I think I must have cried and got it all out that night. It's all part of the healing I think. I just wanted to share this because I think some have felt that I've not been honest with myself saying that I've not been angry. This truly was the first time I've felt that way. It could happen again, I'm sure and maybe I'll write more then too.<br />
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Woah. It's now almost midnight Just thinking of this again, makes me want to cry. I did cry while typing most of the previous paragraph earlier today. We have our struggles, but we get through them. They reappear - we get through them again with God keeping our perspective right. I know these next 6 months will be hard always thinking of what was going on a year ago... but we will get through each day one step at a time and thank God along the way for the precious gift He gave us in Cayla Joy. Goodnight all.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My first pregnant picture taken in February of 2012.</td></tr>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-66402040166480170042013-01-21T22:33:00.003-05:002013-02-12T23:54:09.789-05:00Cayla's Little Shelf<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;">"But I would ye should understand, brethren, that the things which happened unto me </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">have fallen out rather unto the furtherance of the gospel;"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;">Philippians 1:12</span></div>
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It's a new year. 2013. I look at 2012 and come up with the above verse. That pretty much sums it up. And in verse 14 of that chapter it says, "And many of the brethren in the Lord, waxing confident by my bonds, are much more bold to speak the word without fear." God has strengthened us through Cayla's life and death and in the process has given strength and confidence to other believers to live and be more of a witness for Him. </div>
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What this year will bring is such a mystery. Although some things don't appear to be. Samuel graduates June 1st. Yay! He's so excited. He wants so badly to join the Air Force, but feels even more strongly that it would be best to wait a year and get a one-year Bible degree. He's only 17. He can wait a year to see where God might lead at a Bible College and if God still calls him to the Air Force, I'll be behind him 100%. There's even a possibility that he will get to spend 2 weeks in October on a missions trip to Brazil. We are looking forward to seeing how God leads in Samuel's life. </div>
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Here's a picture from last week of Samuel and Sargent Brown. </div>
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This year is sending me back to work at least part-time right now. Last year I was just working a day and a half at Basic Ingredients, but she has closed the store, so we will see what's next. I'm looking into tutoring since there's such a great need for this and I feel like I could make a difference in some children's lives. I honestly have no desire to go back into a classroom or retail. I really am open to whatever God has though, but I'm kind of hoping the tutoring works out. We'll see. </div>
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One of the shelves in our living room is our "Cayla shelf". It just has some mementos of her life there where we can remember her and a have a few of her little things. The shelf has her "box". It's actually a jewelry box with the jewelry shelf removed. It's covered in mirrors with a flat front side that's 5"x7". So I tacked on a photo of her on the front and set a dried rose from her funeral on top. There's also the angel holding a baby figurine that was in the flowers from Lowell's coworkers at Ken Forging. The crystal bowl with the 8 dried roses from my Dad and Pat is on there too. Then there's the yellow butterfly clip from Grandma and Grandpa Joe's flowers. And then the memory candle with Cayla's picture and a saying on it from Baumgardner's Funeral Home, Lowell's cousin Jodi. </div>
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Inside her little memory box are some Cayla things. <br />
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I put one of her casts in there. She was actually still wearing her last one when she died. It was to come off July 3rd. She'd already been fitted for shoes with braces to get at that next appointment. We almost didn't take this cast thinking we'd just keep her last one when they took it off, but at the last minute decided to take it and grabbed it off the top of the trash can where Dr. Gurd set it. It's in two pieces, so I wrapped her soft, velcro, hospital ID tag around the ankle to keep it together. The casts were a big part of her life. She had her first cast on at 3 weeks old and had it replaced each week for the next 5 weeks to straighten her club foot. This first picture was her 1st visit to see Dr. Gurd, and her 1st cast... the before picture.<br />
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Then this picture is before she had her last cast put on. Her foot was straightening out pretty good. Her little foot and leg got to breathe a few minutes each week when they'd take the current cast off and let me take her up to 12th floor to have her weighed cast-free for an accurate weight. Only to have to go back down and have another put back on. This is also a picture of her little sock she always wore on her right foot. I thought I kept the socks to put in her box since she always had one on, but didn't find them. Anyways, her last cast that was removed, we kept and have in her little keepsake box... this is her "after" picture.<br />
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There's also her pink stethoscope that the hospital gave me that was used every three hours to check the placement of her feeding tube that was in her nose before feeding her. It was a pretty big piece of life with Cayla Joy, let me tell you. Every time I fed her or gave her medicine, her tube had to be checked. We had to take a small syringe, pull up some air in it and attach it to her NG (feeding) tube. Then I had to put the stethoscope on and place the end over her stomach and listen. Then I pumped the air into her stomach. If I heard the "pop" sound, that meant I heard the air pop as it entered her stomach and all was well and ready to go. If not, I either wasn't listening at the right spot on her belly or the tube had become dislodged and needed to be replaced. Thankfully, every time I went to feed her, it was always there in its place although some times I had to check a couple of times before I heard the pop sound. We also had to use the stethoscope when a new NG tube was being placed to make sure it made it into her tummy. She pulled her tube out twice during the the 3 weeks she was home, but Lowell and I handled it like pros... they trained me well. The 2nd time she pulled it out was during her 1am feeding. So before we put the new one back in, Lowell grabbed the camera and took one of the few pictures we have of her without the NG tube. Now to see if I can find it in all the pictures... Yes, there's the sleeping beauty... I had laid her on my bed to change her, turned around to grab a diaper and that's all the time she needed to get her little finger under that tube and yank it completely out. She looks so innocent though... <br />
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Let's see, her salvaged hand cuff is in there. :o) Poor thing, having to be handcuffed even if it was with soft spongy stuff and hospital scissors... I have to say, the NICU was so much better at controlling things like that. They had these nifty little wrappers that kept their legs and arms propped up and came with little straps to keep little hands away from tubes and stuff (there's a picture below of her in one of them). Although she was in one of those when in less than 10 seconds almost pulled her entire BREATHING tube out, not the little NG tube, and it took me 2 hands to pry her one hand off of it... But overall, I liked how the NICU handled her compared to the PICU. I do wish they would take some advice on newborns from the pros in the NICU, but apparently there's a little competitive spirit between the two units... The next picture shows her little hand cuffs. I did manage to find one laying on top of the trash one day and grabbed it for the memory... thus it made it into her box. Ahhh... miss those precious kisses.<br />
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Wow, I'm going on and on here... her little green pacifier is in the box. It's the only kind she'd take. The hospital had little squeeze tubes of sugar water to squirt on it when she wouldn't stop fussing or needed to keep her still while sticking her with needles or something way too common like that. I could've used some of those at home...</div>
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Let's see. When I first found out I was pregnant, I stopped in at the little baby store in Jefferson and found the most precious outfit with matching shoes for $5. I can't find the outfit (must have ended up with the stuff I gave away), just the shoes, so I put them in there. They had little embroidered roses on the smocking. That was the weirdest feeling... shopping for baby clothes. For my baby. I cried. It was such a surreal experience that day. I will never forget it. I also put in one of her onesies since that is pretty much all she wore day in and day out. :o)</div>
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The giraffe. Lowell's giraffe. He loves to show his love with gifts. As Cayla was getting ready to leave the hospital, he wanted to get her something and found this perfect little giraffe, so soft and so cute. I gave him a hard time when he was "presenting" it to her and she couldn't keep her eyes open and was not interested at all. Thus the following picture. </div>
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And lastly in this box is a bottle and a syringe. Feeding our precious Cayla Joy. I pumped gladly to provide the best milk for my baby girl. She did nurse a little here and there, but it wore her out too much. Even feeding from a bottle wore her out too much, thus the feeding tube. But the bottle and syringe both evoke a strong memory to me of Cayla. <br />
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Well, I have gone on and on here tonight, so I will end here for now, but have enjoyed walking back through my life with Cayla tonight. This afternoon I found myself rereading all the blog entries from June and July. I cried, but it was ok. So much I could write here, but sometimes there are things I just keep to myself. Oh well, looking forward to 2013 and all that God will do in our lives this year. Love to all!Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-76855293959905191092012-12-25T23:16:00.001-05:002012-12-25T23:22:46.099-05:00Christmas DayWell it's been a nice quiet, peaceful Christmas with family. Wasn't about the gifts this year which is nice. Glad that Samuel's ok with not having the latest gadgets and very happy with what he got even though we wish we could have done more. But like I said, it's just not about the gifts. At least not about the gifts we give each other. We're blessed no matter what because of the gift of Jesus. Sounds trite when I type it like that, but it really is true. I didn't open gifts today, well, I did open a card from my in-laws... a trip to the lovely Olive Garden. Very nice. I got my sweet ring from my men that covered my birthday and Christmas. :o) It's got April's and September's birthstones in it, for Cayla and Samuel. They are so thoughtful. They wanted to give me a ring for Mother's Day, but too much going on. It's very special that they got this for me. I love them both so much! :o)<br />
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Some Christmas ornaments we got this year to remember our precious Cayla Joy... </div>
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There were a few tears shed today. But it was a beautiful day. I wasn't sure how I'd be or even Lowell and Samuel, but we had our time this morning remembering her and talking together. Amazingly enough, thanks to the prayers, we all were able to enjoy the day without a lot of stress or grief, but happy memories. So a huge thank you to those who have prayed. God answered! :o)<br />
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Hope you all had a blessed Christmas! We are looking forward to 2013 and all that it will bring. I still want to post pictures of Cayla's little mementos and her shelf. Another night this week maybe. This is one tired mama who's got a doctor's appt. tomorrow. God bless!Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-19808520724301494072012-12-23T21:28:00.001-05:002012-12-23T21:30:03.142-05:00"Wonderful"Pastor's sermon this morning was on Isaiah 6:9. It talks about what Jesus will be called. When he got to Wonderful, he said there's a comma after it, and it's not being used as an adjective describing Counselor. It's a name for Jesus all by itself. I don't think I've realized that before, nor have I seen this in a list of the names of Jesus. What a great name. Wonderful. He is Wonderful in everything He is and does. That just made me smile. :o)<br />
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Then he went to Counselor, and I was reminded that I have THE Counselor of counselors to talk to anytime or anywhere. He's not just A Counselor... His name IS Counselor. I need Him and His counsel more than anyone else's. After my blog entry last night, this just jumped out at me this morning. I love how God works! This one definitely made me smile again. A verse came to mind as he was preaching. Psalm 1:1 "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly..." I could never go to just any human counselor, they would have to be a Christian using God's Word. There are some great Christian counselors out there, but since I have no money, unless they'll talk for free, it isn't to be. But you know, that's ok because I do have THE Counselor of all counselors 24/7 and He doesn't charge. Big smile.<br />
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The next one was The Mighty God. These are names describing... Jesus. He is God. He is the Mighty God. He can do anything and has. He had to be who He was to do what He did. I had to write that one down. I smiled as I said Amen. :o)<br />
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The Everlasting Father... the Father of Eternity. Then he said, You can't give what you do not have. I had to think about that. God couldn't give us eternal life if He wasn't eternal Himself. He's not being called God the Father, but our Father. <br />
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Prince of Peace. Jesus must be the Prince or there's no peace. Peace with God is most important. (Romans 5:1 and Colossians 1:20) If you don't have this, nothing else matters. Nothing else works. Then there's the Peace of God, Phillipians 4:6,7. It's not bought or bottled but purchased by His blood on the cross. Then the Peace from God found in the opening of all Paul's epistles. This is the amazing serenity of heart. I feel like I've been on overload with this! God's peace is like nothing else. He ended with saying that our world will always lack peace until they accept God as the Prince of Peace.<br />
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Let me just suffice it to say, I was blessed this morning. (another big smile) Thank you Pastor Emery for speaking God's Word to me like it's brand new! I love my church. I had to share because it applies to everything we've gone through. My life is anything but perfect, but with Jesus it's sure on the right path and easier to get straightened out when I fall. Trust me. Those who are still holding out, just let go and let God! Giving my life to God is something I will be eternally grateful for and never have nor ever will regret that major decision. It's yours to make. <br />
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I will close with this thought. Tonight at our "Evening in December" service, JoAnn Ward read the words to the "Jesus Name Above All Names" poem kind of thing (not sure what to call it). It went through all the books in the Bible and said how God was seen in that book. Out of all the things mentioned tonight, the one that stood out to me was Daniel. She said that in the book of Daniel, He is the 4th man in the fiery furnace. I just loved that! He goes through the trials with us. Delivers us from them while right in the midst of the worst part. I am feeling so blessed tonight in my salvation from God. No gifts are necessary this week. Cayla's with Jesus and I will get to hug and kiss her again. She's doing fine, and so am I. I would have done things a little different, but His ways are perfect. What more is there? I trust Him and pray that you do too. And... I'm still smiling... that might also have something to do with the gluten-free pineapple cheesecake I made and am eating... ;o) Good night and have a blessed Christmas Eve!<br />
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-33495091682441120092012-12-22T20:58:00.001-05:002012-12-22T21:20:11.000-05:00It's been 6 months since she died.What an amazing thought! Six months since this all happened. I thought about going back rereading the post I wrote that night she died, but can't quite bring myself to do so. As much as I've tried to write these last months, it just isn't there. So, so many days, I would have thoughts about something and think, Oh, I should write this in the blog. But I didn't. Now, I sit and have 100 things I could write about, but I don't think I'll be writing any of them. <br />
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Today is a special day in my book. It's exactly 6 months since our precious Cayla Joy died. It's also 3 days before Christmas. I remember a year ago wondering what this Christmas would be like with a baby after so many years. We didn't find out about her heart until Feb 3rd, so we had lots of dreams last year not knowing she had anything wrong with her. But you know, it's ok. <br />
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The last thing I wanted to hear from anyone six months ago was that time heals. I felt like that meant I was getting over her which ultimately meant I was forgetting her. That's just how my thought processes went at the time. Time does heal. I love my mom and will never forget her, but time has eased the pain of losing her and it's nice to know I will never forget her after 18 years. I *know* we will never forget our beautiful baby Cayla Joy. I know that. I guess I just worry sometimes that I'll forget what it felt like to hold her or kiss her. What would I do without pictures, I don't know. I cling to these pictures I have. I doubt I'll forget her eyes looking at me and staring for long periods of time as if she was trying to tell me something. I remember telling her to just let it out and tell me what's wrong... I'm a mess. :o) <br />
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I have to keep telling myself it's only been 6 months. I'm actually doing great, I think. I don't have anything to go up against, but for me, I think I'm doing well. I feel free to laugh without guilt anymore. I feel free to cry anywhere with anyone if something triggers the tears instead of holding them in wondering if people think I cry day in and day out. I'm teasing people in my sarcastic way again (you know, the sarcasm I've learned from Lowell over the years.) ;o) He might not read this, so I can talk about him. :o) Anyways, I'm feeling free to do so much more in life. It's kind of like subconsciously I've given myself permission to be more normal again. To keep moving forward. To get to a place where I can think about Cayla and smile. It's not that I don't cry, but I can think about the what if's and guilt over her death and know that it's not mine or Lowell's fault although he still blames himself for her death. That's a prayer request right there. I feel like God has given me so, so many victories in my life through all this, that I'm thankful for all He's changed in me. Some areas might have never changed had I not gone through this.<br />
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I praise the Lord for personal victories where I've actually listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and acted upon it to stop sin that only God and I know about. God is so much more real than He's ever been in my life before. I've taught Samuel and children at church that you can't hide anything from God and He sees everything you do and every thought you think. Yet I am just now stopping sin because I know God's watching and because I know I'm grieving Him. I'm learning the value of actions. A lot of us can say the right thing all the day long, but our actions are the opposite. It's that closeness to God that keeps us from sin. Pastor Emery always says, "The Bible will keep us from sin, but sin will keep us from the Bible." So true. <br />
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I'd like to say it doesn't bother me when people tell me I'm depressed, but I can't. Others, Lowell included, say I'm not depressed but grieving since it really hasn't been that long. I have a debate going between depression and grieving. I think there's a difference. I have grieved deeply over these last 6 months. I have been depressed over these last six months. Just because I am one does not mean I am automatically the other. Many times in those first months, I could not function properly. My grief was preventing me from being able to do normal things. To me and my unphilosophical mind, that is depression. These last couple of months, I have been able to function, take care of my family, do the music at church, work with Samuel, work a little each week at the store and whatever else. But... I have not done them to level of quality I have done in the past. I'm up to about 75% maybe. I don't know. I do know I'm getting better though. I don't think that constitutes depression. <br />
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Why is it a big deal that I'm not depressed? Well, I think God has done so much for me and given me so many victories over this that I would be dismissing Him and His work in my life to say I'm depressed right now. I cry. (I weep during PMS...) I cried again today when we stopped for a hearse and funeral procession to drive by. But it's ok, and I can move on and enjoy the rest of the day. It doesn't debilitate me. I don't feel that depression like I did. <br />
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I went to see Dr. Lazerescu the OB/GYN. Being in that same building again and having to tell the nurse my whole story about Cayla since my 1st OB no longer works there and I went on to Dr. Rajabi the specialist, set me off into tears. Then the doctor came in and asked why he had no record of Cayla and I had to tell it all over again to him. I didn't cry with him, but as soon as I stepped out of the room and saw a nurse I had from last year, the tears just flowed again and I had a hard time stopping them. The whole experience of being back there and talking about everything that happened was simply overwhelming to me. So... what does the doctor say to me after talking to him about Cayla for about 20 minutes? "Linda, I didn't know you before today, but I see a depressed woman sitting in front of me." I almost laughed out loud. I just wanted to tell him to put himself in my shoes for a minute. It hadn't even been 6 months since she'd died. Am I not allowed to grieve without being labeled depressed? I don't know what to say anymore. I told him if I was truly depressed, I would go see a counselor. I told him I've talked to my pastor and his wife and to a former Christian counselor friend of mine, but he said I needed to see someone who was not emotionally involved in my life. Maybe I would, but our deductible for this year ends January 3rd. Whatever doctor visits I can cram in between now and then, fine. Otherwise, nothing after the 3rd. <br />
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I guess someone who doesn't know me and hasn't been with me through it all shouldn't bother me. I should just smile and be eternally thankful for those that have been with me through this and can see that depression is just not me at the moment. Whew! Got that off my chest! Thanks for letting me vent and try to "talk this out". :o) You can write any comment on this (or facebook where most of you comment) and I will gladly listen to any and all advice contrary to what I've said or not. :o) I promise I'll be good. <br />
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I love my family so, so much! I love how Samuel and I have been able to talk and get his thoughts on all of this. What a great kid! Which reminds me. I have pictures of him that I've not put on the blog. We got to babysit Elise again right before Thanksgiving and took these pictures that beautiful day.<br />
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There's so much more I want to talk about, but I let off steam about depression. I guess I needed to do that. I still have pictures of Cayla's little memory shelf that I want to put up, but that will have to wait again for another post. </div>
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This Christmas will be a wonderful one. I am sad and missing the fact that Cayla will not be with us, but there's so much I do have, I am very blessed. The Lord Jesus, who loved me, Linda Sowry, enough to lower himself to become a man so I could have eternal life is an overwhelming thought when truly looked at. His birth was the start of Him fulfilling His promise to send a Saviour that would save us from our sins. That is just huge. I pray that this Christmas you will take a good long look at Jesus. Who He really is that we celebrate His birth so universally. Who He is that could die like He did on the cross and still be alive today. He is awesome. He is everything. He is exactly what I need to live my life joyfully no matter what the circumstances are. I pray He is all that to you too. He can be. I'm just going to put this out there again, but email me if you have a question or want to know Jesus personally. I'd love to talk. <a href="mailto:lindasowry@gmail.com">lindasowry@gmail.com</a></div>
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Have a blessed Christmas and thanks for the continued prayers. Stay tuned for the next episode in Cayla's blog... ;o)</div>
Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-59882096642401888792012-12-22T18:47:00.002-05:002012-12-22T18:47:55.229-05:00Funeral pics and newsI've started writing numerous times over the last 2 months, but never posted. Most of the time I never finished writing my thoughts and never came back to that post. I've tried to put my thoughts down, but apparently couldn't make it happen. I'll probably start a new post about where I'm at tonight, Dec. 22nd, and just send this one out as is. <br />
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I really can't believe Christmas is just a couple of weeks away. Thanks to Lowell, we finally got some Christmas decorations up last Wed. We've had the tree up with the lights and my rose balls up, but didn't put all the rest up until last night. I don't think I'm dreading Christmas or anything, I just feel like I've lost a little enthusiasm for all the celebrating. I am still enjoying Christmas music and other stuff, maybe it's just taking me longer to get into it all. This really is the best time of the year with all the beautiful lights and decorations everywhere. I do love it all. We even went to the Ashtabula and Jefferson parades which was fun with family and friends! Saturday we had our church Christmas dinner which turned out really nice and fun. And last night we drove up to Lakeshore Park with some friends from church and saw the light display they have there. <br />
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I was reminded in the song "Mary, Did You Know?", that because Jesus came from heaven to earth, "The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again." That's my little Cayla. There is a promise in that. I know we will see Cayla again. I'm not wishing it, or hoping it, or 99% sure of it... I'm 100% sure of it because God's Word says so, and He wouldn't be God if one word in the Bible wasn't true. What an awesome God!<br />
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You all will be proud of me. I've made a doctor's appointment for Thursday, Dec. 13th. I just still feel imbalanced maybe hormonally, I'm not sure. I can't seem to physically get myself back together. I've not been to a family doctor since we've been here in Ohio, and the only doctor I've been to was my OB/GYN who's no longer there. But I called their office and asked them where to start. She said I could choose another doctor from there, so I have, and he'll do some blood work and get me started on getting my health back again. Even with exercising and eating fairly well, I've gained weight and can't seem to stop it. So, hopefully I can get my life, physically, back together. We will see. <br />
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Thanksgiving brought my dad and Pat up for a visit which was so great to see them again. While she was here, Pat downloaded pictures she took at Cayla's funeral for me. I had my camera, but couldn't bring myself to take any pictures, so I'm glad she did. I'll post some of them here. In one way, it's kind of hard to see them, but I know she's in heaven which changes my outlook. In other ways, it's not hard to see them because I want to remember everything... even that day of celebrating her short little life. So, here's the few pics. Mostly they're the flowers so those who sent them can see what was sent. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lowell's cousin, Jodi Poole, talking to us about how the day will go and and answering our questions.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dad and I talking. I guess we were looking at who all the flowers and plants were from. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not all the flowers were there yet. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still talking about who knows what. I guess Pat was just clicking away. <br />
I don't think I even knew she was taking any. I'm glad she took some but not too many. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our precious Cayla Joy. <br />
Her flowers from Dad, Mom and Brother hadn't come yet. <br />
She was in the beautiful little yellow dress from our Pastor and his wife <br />
and then wrapped in a big, soft blanket from her Aunt Cathie and cousins Tyler and Sheylyn. <br />
Jodi had it set so you could see the embroidering there too. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The little pillow in the shape of a heart with the yellow roses is from us, Mom, Dad and brother.<br />
They stayed in there with her. You can click on the pictures to see them better to read the cards.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From Grandma and Grandpa Guenther<br />
The yellow butterfly is on her little shelf</td></tr>
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This angel is made of stone and we put this at her grave site too. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From Aunt Doris, Karla, Donna and Louisa, my aunt and cousins</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From Cayla's cousin Hannah Sowry and Jim and Janet Slater (her mom)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">From the Ashtabula County Concerts of Prayer Board</td></tr>
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From N.W. Baptist Church in Washington, D.C. Pastor Rodney and Diana Moye</div>
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We didn't find out this was the Moye's church until a month or so after the funeral.</div>
For a while it was the beautiful, mystery wreath. <br />
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We put this up at her grave and have just swapped out fake flowers. </div>
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I'm collecting fake flowers to replace them since they don't last long in the elements. </div>
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There were others, but I don't have pictures right now. Dad and Pat's long-stemmed roses aren't in this set of pictures, but maybe I'll post more later. Thanks for all the prayers and love over these months. Love to all!Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-58500694837796477652012-10-21T22:03:00.003-04:002012-10-21T22:24:55.973-04:00What a year...Well, a year ago today we found out I was pregnant. What an amazing day that was! So, so much has happened since then. I look back at this past year and as much as I would have loved for a different outcome, I wouldn't trade this year for anything. I had a daughter. No, I have a daughter. I never thought I'd be able to say those words. My precious baby girl is always going to be a part of me no matter what. As time passes though, I feel like it was a dream. The pregnancy seemed to go by so quickly and then the time in the hospital seemed so surreal. The couple of weeks we were home with her went by so fast as we tried to make some kind of schedule. And then it was all over. And now 4 months have gone by. <br />
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We'd have a little 6 month old now. It's hard to think that it's been six months since I had her. I've shed many tears this past week just realizing how much I miss having Cayla in my arms. It's been a rough few days. The peace from God is still there, I just miss my girl. After waiting so many years for her and to only hold her for such a short time... It's just hard. She really was so precious.<br />
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I know if I were to turn my thoughts and perspective around, the tears would subside, and they have when I've needed them to. But sometimes I just want to cry about losing Cayla. Sometimes I need to cry about her. Tears are healing. They tell me I've not forgotten her. Part of me wants to hurt so I don't ever forget her. I feel like the time we had with her was so short that it would be easy to forget this past year even happened. I know I'll never forget her, but my life has fallen back into pre-Cayla routines and activities that have nothing to do with a baby. I do feel like it was all a dream.<br />
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Anyways, I'm just a little weepy and tired tonight. I wanted to write today since this all started a year ago. We had no idea what the year ahead would hold, but God did, and it's so amazing just resting and trusting Him. I cry, but I'm ok. Really. I am. Thanks for the prayers so many are still praying for us. It's a process and we are all still going through it. So don't stop.<br />
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Before I say goodnight, here's some random pics of those few short days with our precious Cayla Joy. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q8p4r3hz5o8/UISqN97e5vI/AAAAAAAAA1E/CRwlMyp_jJ0/s1600/048.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" nea="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q8p4r3hz5o8/UISqN97e5vI/AAAAAAAAA1E/CRwlMyp_jJ0/s320/048.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grandma</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8K4HEVjzFqE/UISqdIUHMkI/AAAAAAAAA1M/ThQr0XFprmc/s1600/066.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" nea="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8K4HEVjzFqE/UISqdIUHMkI/AAAAAAAAA1M/ThQr0XFprmc/s320/066.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aunt Cathie</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grandma and Grandpa</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grandma and Grandpa</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Samuel</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mommy</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Samuel</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The yellow cow... she would stare at this picture intently... Thanks Andy Warhol for entertaining Cayla.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our Precious Cayla Joy</td></tr>
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Goodnight! :o)
Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-71103137014460102702012-09-24T12:50:00.000-04:002012-09-24T12:50:00.407-04:00Samuel's 17... missing my CaylaWell, thinking about little miss Cayla alot these days. I guess I will for a while... especially around the 22nd and 24th of each month. Yes, she'd be 5 months old today. I guess in time I will get past these days of the month without noticing, but not yet. We'd probably still be at Cleveland Clinic recovering from her 2nd heart surgery so we could gear up for her bottom surgery. Oh well. How to stop these thoughts. I do not know. I love her so much. I miss her so much. I want to kiss her and hold her one more time. <br />
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I have this picture of her and Lowell as my desktop background, and I find myself before I go to bed each night, telling her that, Momma loves you, and stuff like that. There's going to be a permanent mark on my screen where I "rub her head" like I used to. Feeling like this is pretty pathetic, but it makes me feel like I can at least say goodnight to her each night. Don't know if it's "healthy" but it's where I'm at. :o) <br />
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I really am doing ok. I just miss her. I am feeling like I'm functioning a little more like myself everyday. Haven't determined whether that's good or bad yet... ;o) Samuel and I are doing the couch to 5K program instead of just our own walking/jogging for 3-4 miles. This is different, so we'll see how it goes. We only went one day last week between Samuel's poison ivy all over his body and then his birthday. So today was a little rough getting back into it. I am loving this cooler weather though. The trail is pretty shaded so it's definitely jacket weather. <br />
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I really need to do this and watch what I'm eating since I've gained back all the weight I lost with my pregnancy and some. I need to hourly ask for God's strength to do what's right for my body physically. I cannot do this on my own. I've tried my whole life to be able to lose the weight. I mean lose it and keep it off. I'm going to take it where I'm at right now and ask God at the top of every hour (even if I need to set my alarm) to be in control of my actions. To drink a glass of water every hour. To take a few minutes to pray for all the many people needing it that God brings my mind throughout that hour. To guard what I eat. To smile and show the love of God. To not be a waster of my time. It's easy to sit here and write this out... what great intentions. Well have to see what kind of a report on how I do in the next post... <br />
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Good news! Well, bad news too. First the good news... My hair that has been falling out by the handfuls is growing back. Yay! My head is covered with half inch peach fuzz. Some are even longer. :o) Ok, the bad news... It's coming back white and kinky. I have white hairs zig-zagging out of my head that will not curl, or unkink. It's almost funny it's so bad. Actually it is funny right now while it's still just a few long ones that stick out, but once all these many other ones start growing out longer, me thinks it won't be funny anymore. At least you can't see my scalp all the way back anymore. So I guess this means another update will have to come later with pictures. Eww, Ahh. <br />
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Another note, two weeks ago, I was able to complete the process to send in my milk and they called to tell me they pasteurized it that morning and it's already being used. They were thrilled with the amount I was able to send and the content of it. She said it is just what they need for preemies with lots of thick cream and good fats (from all the salmon I was eating). :o) So, I'm so glad that finally worked out and is done. <br />
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Don't have time now, but I'll have to take pictures of Cayla's little box. We put some of her mementos in a fancy jewelry box from Things Remembered. I keep meaning to do that and don't think about it until times like now when I don't have the time to do it. Oh well. <br />
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Samuel's now 17 and we had a great weekend celebrating him! Although the celebrating will continue this next weekend too. Friday night Grandma and Grandpa are taking us to an Indians game in Cleveland and on Saturday, Lowell managed to get tickets to see Tim Hawkins, the Christian comedian, in Middleburg Heights. Somewhere in the suburbs of Cleveland I think. Plus we got a free $50 gift card to Chili's and Lowell has been through Chili's withdrawl since moving to Ashtabula... So he's really looking forward to this weekend as well. We all are. It will be nice going to Cleveland for something other than the Clinic. :o)<br />
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Some pics from Saturday night with family and friends.<br />
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Thanks for all the love and prayers. So many times I feel my spirits lift and just know someone had to have been praying for us. Thank you. We'll talk more later! ;o)Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-10830864277983374702012-09-22T00:32:00.001-04:002012-09-22T00:32:08.728-04:00Samuel or Cayla?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It's 12:30am this lovely, cold, rainy, dark, Friday night. Samuel and 3 of his friends are outside, in the rain and darkness, having an AirSoft battle. Whatever makes them happy. I'm glad to be right here, dry and warm. Samuel turned 17 yesterday and is having friends over tonight. We'll have all the family and friends over tomorrow for dinner. He's had a great time so far. Uncle John (my brother) and Uncle Cress (Lowell's brother) have had an impact on him. He likes cool smelling deodorants and sprays, so I thought I'd ask him if he wanted to look at some cologne yesterday. So, what do we see right off the bat? Mustang. It was in the original or Blue Mustang scent. We both really liked the Blue one, so I got it for him. Thanks to his uncles since Lowell and I don't wear any of that... :o) Tomorrow we celebrate my boy. </div>
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Yesterday, we also started looking through old pictures. I wanted to post a little album on facebook with some of his baby pics. Well, what do we find? This picture below of him sleeping on the couch with Daddy. The top 2 are Cayla. They almost look like the same baby! I had to share. So amazed at how much they look alike. Samuel thought it was pretty neat that she looked so much like him. :o)</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cayla Joy 2012</td></tr>
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Well, they are coming in, drying off and wanting to play the Wii which is right behind me... Well, I'll get a picture of the wet gang and go to bed. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Left to right... Steven Russell, Joseph Laing, Roger Strull, and Samuel</td></tr>
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Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-63940991450509259892012-09-09T17:01:00.003-04:002012-09-10T08:56:05.909-04:00Samuel and Some ThoughtsWell, we'd be getting ready for Cayla's 2nd heart surgery this week probably. I am happy for her not having to go through all the surgeries, pain, recoveries and all that goes with it. The Lord knows we'd be right there helping her through it all. He chose to spare her. I am happy for my girl, but... but what? I wish her back here to go through it all? I guess I can't say that. She's perfect now. No abnormalities on her. No surgeries lined up. I guess I really can't wish her back here. But, I guess I can say, I miss her. I do wish it didn't have to be this way. Still, even though I miss her tremendously, God has given me a peace about her life. I know I cry, I feel lost at times, I don't function the way I used to, but that's just my human side coming out. I have a great Lord. I can smile about her more and more as the Lord's great peace just settles in and stays. <br />
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I have to share Psalm 27:4, "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." When I hear the phrase, "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord..." I think of Psalm 23:6. It ends that phrase with the word "forever". But Psalm 27:4 ends that phrase with, "all the days of my life." That's right now, not just eternity. I've always thought of that phrase as just referring to heaven, but this verse refers to now, here, on earth, while I'm still living I can dwell in the house of the Lord. That is an awesome thought if you let it sink in. Every day of my life, however long or short that may be, I can chose to live with the Lord and hang out at His place anytime I want to! I'd guess that if I had a friend who was a billionaire and was given access to their house anytime, I'd be going there as often as I could, and I'd be wanting to show my other friends what this place was like. How much more amazing is it to walk each day of this life on earth in the presence of the Lord and dwell where He dwells. To see His wonderful beauty and ask Him whatever I want to. Well, we can. It's our choice. To spend our days in squalor, living on the streets, or to step into that beautiful place of peace and trust. I can't imagine anyone literally choosing to live on the streets with a house like that available, but spiritually we do it all the time. We can chose to trust God, to dwell in His house all day long, or we can live life the way we do... with anger, mistrust, fear, pride, disobedience and the list goes on. Just a thought that struck me when Mrs. Emery, my pastor's wife, read this verse in her devotional the other day. Thought I'd share my thoughts.<br />
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Verses like this lift my spirit tremendously. I just want to yell it on the housetops that God is real! The Bible is everything it says it is. God is everything He says He is. And I can say this, not because it's just what I believe, but because I've experienced it. I've experienced living with God. I don't know what you believe, but if you just believe something because that's what you've been taught, it's popular, or think is right, you've got nothing on personally knowing something's real because you've felt it. I can't explain it. I can't explain the overwhelming peace God gave when my baby died. I can't explain a lot of things that God has done these last 2-4 months in my life. But I can say He's real. The Bible is 100% true. I've experienced it! Just had to share. My fingers are just typing away as I sit here this Sunday afternoon. I sat down, not having a clue what I wanted to write, but just started writing. <br />
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This is what pulls me up out of my depression. I talk about Cayla alot. That helps. I talk to people alot. That helps. I read my Bible. That really helps. I pour my heart out to God. That gives me peace. I write this all out. That helps me more than all the talking I could muster up (trust me that's alot...). People are wonderful, don't get me wrong. All my talking helps me and thank you to all you listeners who put up with me. But my strength to get through each day only comes from the Lord. He is my all in all. I guess I just want everyone reading this to grasp a picture of what your life could be like if you truly gave it all to Him. <br />
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I sang a song a couple of weeks ago called, "You Will Always Be A Child". It's God talking to us. We will always be a child in His eyes. It's like being 5 years old and having no worries about tomorrow, mom and dad are taking care of it. Kids don't worry about stuff. Neither should we. If you're God's child, you've got a heavenly Father taking care of you. Think of yourself as being 5 again. Trust Him with all the details of your life. If you're not God's child, you really need to reconsider. I was just talking to my mother-in-law Thursday about this. I so badly want another baby girl to hold in my arms and love, but just as much as I want this, I don't want it. I don't know if I can write out my meaning. I'm 42. Lowell's 52. The thought of raising Cayla was overwhelming in itself. I could push and pray that God gives us another child. What if it's not the best thing for us? What if it's not in God's perfect plan for our lives? Would I want to push God to do something that I want when He might have a perfect will and plan for our lives that might be even better? Never. I want a baby, but I don't. I'm ok, not ever having another child again. All this confusion is where God comes in. I'm not going to push one way or another. I can just tell God that I want His best for us, whatever that may be. Period. No more confusion. No more stress. No more worrying. It's in His hands and when your life is in perfect hands, you have nothing, I said nothing to worry about. Love it!!<br />
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My mother-in-law and I did our last trek out to Hillcrest Hospital again last Thursday. At least I think it should be our last trek. With life, you never know. I've been trying to donate all the breast milk in my deep freezer. It's taking a while to get the ball rolling, but we're making progress. It's good for up to 6 months and time is running out. The milk bank of Ohio is very low on supply, so I would love to have this go to help another little baby. Cayla had to have donor milk at one point, so I'm happy to have it to give. I would guess I have about 130-150 ounces of milk in my freezer. I had to keep pumping so when she could have my milk, I could keep up with her demand. Anyways, Hillcrest is the closest hospital that will do the necessary blood work for free, so we went with the kit they sent and had my blood drawn. Well, I couldn't go to Hilcrest without stopping to see Dr. Rajabi. He thought he got rid of me a long time ago... :o) Well, I keep coming back to haunt him. :o) Going there to my appointments, even though I knew Cayla only had half a heart that worked, was such a high point for me. I was pregnant again. I was going to have a baby. Yeah, she had problems, but it was still a time of great excitement for me. So going back up there to Dr. Rajabi's office was remembering good times for me. I would love to go back to Cleveland Clinic and see the doctors and nurses there too. It was a hard time, but it was where Cayla was. It's a special place to me. They're all special people to me. I know I won't since I don't really have a reason to go back, but since I was already at Hillcrest, I couldn't help myself from stopping in to say Hi up on 4th floor.<br />
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Well, there went my Sunday afternoon... I always feel good after I sit and write in the blog. I should do it more, but I feel like anything I type here should have to do with Cayla. So I share some stuff on facebook and every now and then, on the blog. I guess I'll share some pictures I've recently put on facebook on here too. <br />
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I did take some pictures last night of the 8 long-stem pink roses my Dad and Pat got at Cayla's homegoing service from June. I arranged them and let them dry and we'll see how long they last. They look very pretty I think for just sitting in a bowl. They chose 8 because she was 8 weeks old. One for each week of her little life. <br />
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I'll close this post with Samuel. He's a senior this year. He's still 16 at least for 2 more weeks. Here's some pictures from the first day of 12th grade...<br />
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We've been walking/running every school morning. We've done it now for 4 weeks. We go to the Greenway Trail which is 41 miles long from Ashtabula straight south into the next county. It used to be a railroad track and now it's a gorgeous stretch of God's creation. We've been going anywhere from 2-3 and 1/2 miles a day. We're thinking about running (and walking) a 5K. I think there's one on Thanksgiving morning. We'll see. Here's some pictures of where we run. It's beautiful and I can't wait until the leaves start changing for fall! I have to say that he even went this week by himself the 2 days I wasn't feeling good. I'm proud of him and how he's maturing and letting God change him into the man He wants him to be. <br />
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<br />Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2373225852306635021.post-17264429386392736412012-09-02T23:12:00.001-04:002012-09-03T07:00:28.974-04:00I remember...I started writing this on Friday, August 24th and never went back to finish or publish it to the blog. I was "remembering" too many things and couldn't finish. I read this now over a week later, and I'm not crying, but am wanting to. Emotions have been very high recently. Not in the way that I'm walking around weeping or anything, more like I'm just more sensitive to everything around me. Ok, so maybe a few tears. Not just Cayla stuff. Anyways, I might just add another paragraph at the end and publish it, but this is just a drop in the bucket of memories that constantly flood my brain...<br />
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From Friday, August 24th<br />
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Well, today, Cayla Joy would have been 4 months old. Also, today marks 9 weeks since she died. That sounds like an eternity, yet it seems like it was this week. Funny how our minds work. <br />
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I started last Saturday night, August 18th, rereading the blog from day one. Tuesday, I got to June 22nd's entry and had to stop. I was feeling the excitement, uncertainties, joy, nervousness, peace, anticipation, unknowns, and all the emotions all over again as I read. It was very overwhelming to relive those months again. I so remember the feeling as I wrote about being able to hold her the first time. I remember the smell of her when I wrote that I just loved to breathe in the smell of her. I remember kissing her as I read about it. I remember feeling like I needed handcuffs when they told me I couldn't touch her or stimulate her with my touch or voice after surgery. I remember gently rubbing that sweet little head whenever she needed comfort. I felt and remembered every emotion from the beginning. I remember sitting with my friend Wendy Hollon when I found out I was pregnant on October 21, 2011 and crying tears of disbelief, joy, and amazement that God had opened my womb after 16 years. I remember earlier that same morning, Lowell asking Samuel what he thought about the possibility of mom being pregnant and what Samuel's answer was. Without any hesitation with this whole possibility posed to him for the 1st time, he said, "Two things. It's a little late, and if something happens to you guys, I'm stuck with the kid." :o) Oh my! What a laugh we had at that. He quickly added that he was kidding, and that it would be very cool, and then looked at us with his head to one side saying, "Really? You could be pregnant?!" Love him. <br />
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I've remembered all the people I've met along the way as I reread. So many nurses. So many doctors. So many friends. So many babies. So many moms. It's been nice going back through and remembering so many people.<br />
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I remembered the feeling as Samuel and I met Dr. Rajabi the first time and heard him tell us that Cayla had a major heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. I remember looking at him, at Samuel, the nurse and then back to Dr. Rajabi again as they were waiting to see how I responded to this information. God had prepared my heart to hear this news and I remember thinking, "I'm ok. God's going to help us through this and made Cayla's heart exactly how He intended it to be." I remember trying to focus on what Dr. Rajabi was saying about her heart and how hard it was. My mind kept wandering. He was so good, and I believe repeated everything he said at least 3 times to help me process it all. I remember getting through the rest of that doctor's visit and setting up a time to go see him in his office at Hillcrest Hospital that following Wednesday. I remember the feeling as Samuel and I stepped outside of the hospital and let out a huge breath and just a few tears fell then. I remember pulling up to our house as Samuel was driving and not having really cried. He stopped the car and we both just sat there. I remember the precious moments as we held each other and prayed asking God to help us accept His will in our little baby's life. It was as we prayed that the dam broke and we were both weeping before the prayer ended. Such memories. <br />
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I'm back to today, Sunday, September 2nd.<br />
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I remember carrying Cayla up the stairs and losing my balance one time. From then on, anytime I carried her up the squeaky stairs, she would cry as if she remembered the feeling of almost falling. There are times I cry going up those stairs wishing I could hear her cry and comfort her. I remember going upstairs to get her when she'd woken up from her nap, and open our bedroom door to the sights and sounds of Cayla Joy. Almost every time I walk into our room now, I find myself automatically looking at the spot where her crib was. I remember those eyes looking up at me wanting to be picked up when I got there. I remember taking her to our bed and falling asleep across it every morning after her 7am feeding. We would take our time falling asleep and talk sometimes. Many times she was crying, and I couldn't figure out why. I completely remember feeding her her bottle and how she would just stare at me the entire time. She was precious. I can write all this without crying. I just want to talk about her. I just want to remember her. I just want everyone else to hear and know just how precious she was. I don't want to ever forget her. Ok, now I'm crying... :o} <br />
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I feel like this was just a dream. She came and she went pretty fast. It's like it really was too good to be true. It was too amazing to be pregnant and having a baby again and I told myself I knew it wouldn't last. I had such a hard time allowing myself to believe she'd live, we all did, that when she died, it was as if I was expecting it. But, there was also a point in time that I let myself dream of her actually growing up. She was doing so well. I guess I lost sight of how fragile her life was and wasn't jumping every time she did normal baby things like cry, have a diaper rash, spit up some, or fuss. I needed to stay alert to all that, but I got comfortable and thought she was doing well. So when it all happened that Friday, I think I was just slow catching on to what was really happening. It wasn't until shortly before she died that I realized what was happening. So, I am still waking up at night remembering this and dealing with guilt again. It's been weeks since this had happened and now these last few days, it's all coming back again. That awful guilt. Those "Why didn't I?" thoughts are plaguing my nights.<br />
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I guess I'm remembering the good the bad and the ugly... I'm finding I'm not praying like I was either. I'm now reading His Word so much more, but haven't been praying much. I haven't been talking to God like I have been. I can't seem to get things right. It's all related to my sleepless nights, the feelings of guilt and all. On top of it all, I just plain out miss my baby girl. I just miss her. I just want to hold her one more time and rub that little head and kiss that little mouth. Oh man, I'm crying again. I came home from church tonight after having a good day today and laid down on the couch and cried. I don't even know what provoked it. I made myself get up, and I did the dishes in record time, made the jello and scrubbed the potatoes for tomorrow and did one load of laundry. It's now after 11pm and I need to go to bed. So for now, this is it for this crazy post. It's sopping with drama and emotion. Sorry about that. I can't help myself. I'm feeling the need to analyze myself, figure out what I need to be doing, and make some changes. We'll see. <br />
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Thanks for the prayers. I think at times, I'm doing so well and am starting to be able to move on, then I feel crippled all of the sudden like now. Well, overall, I am doing well, I'm just still working through this. We all are and are so grateful you're praying for us all. Thank you so much!!! <br />
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ps... I'm adding a note this Labor Day morning. I just need to say, pms. Boy does that make me feel better. I forgot about this and I know it's tmi (too much info), but explains the extra tears and emotions these last few days. Feeling better already this morning... in an emotional way, not physically... :o) Linda Sowryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15254288279959335058noreply@blogger.com3