Tuesday, July 17, 2012


"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope
by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled,
and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you,
Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation
ready to be revealed in the last time.

Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be,
ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:
That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth,
though it be tried with fire,
might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not,
yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:
Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls."
I Peter 1:5-9

My perspective has to change to God's perspective to be able to rejoice
with joy unspeakable.  Love these verses. 
My life needs to be all about Jesus Christ.  He's done so much for me!

My sister-in-law Lisa sent this picture to us that she took when they visited.
Cayla was about 6 weeks old.  Love that precious little face.  She's almost smiling here.  :o)
 I am so convinced that everything we're going through right now comes down to perspective.  I would have to say that I have let myself become depressed these last 3-4 days.  I know this is normal to happen with situations like this, but I'm trying to figure out what has led me to this point.  When I'm still or quiet, I rethink everything that happened.  I relive it all.  I question it all.  I wonder, Why didn't we... Why did we... Why didn't they... Why did they...  I go through everything the doctors had told us.  I go through everything I observed and thought.  I try to picture myself figuring it all out before she died and preventing it.  Then I get depressed thinking this could have easily been prevented.  I still cry many tears for the baby girl that is no longer in my arms, but that is different from the depression I'm talking about.  Tears will be there for years to come and are healing and ok, but this depression from the wrong perspective should not be continuing on and on. So, I'm facing it and talking it out.

I have convinced myself that the catalyst in all this was the immunizations.  When Dr. Lorber asked me a week ago what the cause of death was, I said the death certificate said it was her heart.  Her heart was doing great, so what was it that caused her heart to quit?  I told him that there were so many factors, we really don't know exactly and that is so very true.  But I've been thinking about it all so much this last week that this is what I've concluded.  Not having any medical background, my thoughts can't help but blame the immunizations since she was doing ok, not great, but ok before she had them and then in a little over 24 hours she was gone.  We were encouraged to get the immunizations because she was slated for having a somewhat weaker immune system with most of her thymus gland missing.  Getting any sickness like that would have done her in. So, you think of all babies, she really needed her immunizations.  There was apparently enough going on in her body at the time to allow these to cause an infection in the rash on her bottom from her bottom issues, which gave the infection a place to get into her blood stream and then it was just a matter of time for her heart.  I don't know.  I could be completely wrong. This is just my theory, and I'm not medically minded and don't know how the body works.  I am writing all this because it's where my mind goes all the time these days.  I've been told that her heart, even with it's issues, should have tolerated the shots.  Then when you add the DiGeorge issues, you think that she definitely needs the shots.  So, what else was there to do?  That's what made sense at the time and that's what we did. 

Looking back is painful.  Who would have known?  Really though, we don't know what exactly happened.  This is all how I've put it together.  Nothing scientific.  Nothing sure.  Nothing proven.  SO, with all these uncertainties, I really don't know what caused her heart to quit.  My mind likes to think it's all figured out, but deep down I realize I really don't know exactly.  I can make my uneducated guesses, but look where it's getting me...  Down the road of depression.  This is a perspective that leaves God out, so of course it's going to lead to depression.

I must keep God's perspective.  It's hard when human emotions get in the way.  I find myself going down these paths I've mentioned with my thoughts and am really trying to stop and realize the real truth.  Nothing in the 2 previous paragraphs is sure or proven, yet I dwell on that, thus the depression.  I've realized that I must dwell on what IS sure and proven, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the depressing thoughts flee.  God's perspective is that He can use something painful and turn it into something good.  I know He could have prevented those immunizations from being given, not that there's any guarantee that that is all it was.  But whatever it is that truly caused her death, God could have prevented it if it was His will because He is God, and He chose not to.  He is a perfect God.  Perfect.  That means He sees a bigger picture with eternity in mind.  I must look at this through God's eyes.  If I don't, I will continue being depressed.  I write this to organize it all in my mind and solidify my decision to dwell on the Bible, God's Word, instead of what will never change in past circumstances.  Plus, He has used this for good.  If even one person has believed that Jesus died on the cross for them, rose again, and lives today, because of the life of a very precious little girl named Cayla Joy Sowry, then yes, tremendous eternal good has come of it all!

I don't know how all her future surgeries and other corrective procedures would have turned out with the DiGeorge Syndrome and unknowns going on in her body.  Future surgeries could have become full of complications and life-threatening issues every time she had one.   She was facing a good number of them.  We would have fought through every surgery with her and been there in every way possible, but honestly, I feel glad from Cayla's perspective that God took her to heaven.  She has no heart problems or any of the other problems.  She is perfect now.  It's ALL about perspective.  God's, Cayla's and mine.  I think I'll dwell on the 1st two.  Cayla would have had no choice but to have many surgeries and obstacles in her life.  Many people do.  She would have fought through them with us right by her side.  I'm focusing now on all that she won't have to go through.  She's been spared a lot of grief, pain, tears, sorrow and crying.  Cayla's perspective is that she wouldn't trade where she's at for anything!  :o)  See, when I can turn my thoughts to the Lord and heaven, I can smile.  This is turning out to be a great pep talk for myself.  I should have wrote this out earlier...

ONLY God can take my depressing thoughts and turn them into perfect peace.  I just pray that I can stay focused on Him.  I haven't been sleeping well because if I lay in bed, my mind wanders down my paths of perspective, and I go to depressing, dark places in my mind.  So I stay up as long as possible until I'm falling asleep walking up the stairs so when my head hits the pillow, I'm out with no chance to think.  If I don't fall right asleep I get my book light out and read to focus on something else until the book falls out of my hands.  I wake up at 3 or 4am to go to the bathroom and can't go back to sleep and it all starts over again.  So, out comes the book again.  Problem is, once I've slept a couple of hours, I'm not ready to go back to sleep again and end up reading till Lowell gets up at 7.  I am really asking God to bind Satan from my mind and these depressing, destructive thoughts.  I want to focus on Him.  I need to read my Bible in the night like this, but I don't.  I just read a story to get lost in someone else's life and not think about mine.  I think because it's harder for me to focus longer periods of time on Scripture in the middle of the night, that I turn to light, easy reading of Christian fiction.  God is just going to have to help me work through this and figure it out because I need more sleep and I'm disturbing Lowell's sleep.  I know He will.  He's ready and waiting and holding and carrying me right now whether I realize it or not. :o)  He's SO faithful!  He will get us through this one day at a time.

Wanted to say that I got a really nice call from my OB/GYN, Dr. Rajabi last week.  He's a specialist and not my regular OB/GYN and we only had him because of Cayla's heart.  So, I won't have a reason to go back to him and all the wonderful nurses in his office at Hillcrest.  I had called a week or so ago and talked to Teresa his nurse that worked with us and told her what happened with Cayla and to let Dr. Rajabi know.  He delivered our precious Cayla Joy to us way back on April 24th.  Seems like eons ago.  I gave her my blog to read and pass on.  Dr. Rajabi said how sorry he was for our loss and that he'd read the whole blog and was very touched by what has been written about Cayla's journey.  Thank you so, so much Dr. Rajabi for all you've done for us and Cayla.  God is real, alive and working on changing many hearts because of her little life.  I wish he could be my regular OB, but oh well.  :o)  Maybe we'll still get to talk again.  It was wonderful to hear from him.  God has blessed us with great doctors!
Dr. Rajabi came by later that week that Cayla was born,
 to check on us and see how we all were doing.   
 I did work last Wednesday at Basic Ingredients which was good.  Love the environment... Christian music playing, Christian boss, starting the day with prayer and devotions, moving around doing a variety of enjoyable, fairly easy work.  I can't argue.  It was hard greeting people at the door and register though.  I think I would have just liked to hide in the kitchen and sort the bulk food since my heart wasn't into talking to people and being all cheery.  I cried as I pulled up in the parking lot and started my day a little weepy, but moved on fairly quickly.  Usually the people part and talking and greeting people is my favorite part, but it was a struggle last week.  I hope it will be better tomorrow afternoon and Wednesday.  I'm sure it will get easier and better the more I feel comfortable with how things are done too.  But, thanking God for this opportunity. 

We are busily preparing for a yard sale this Friday and Saturday.  I would like to advertise it in the Star Beacon, but that alone is $25!!  Crazy.  We'll see. We live on a busy street, Route 20 in Saybrook, 4 houses west of Kelly's Gardens, right in front of Bible Baptist Church... (hint, hint).  We should get plenty of customers.  But this is keeping me out of trouble and giving me company during the day.  Had my mother-in-law, niece, Kim Hunsicker and Bernadette Nichols over today helping and we sorted and priced everything left over from the store.  Not much, but it needs to go.  We even had time to pull out everything thrown in the one side of our storage closet and clean that up so we can price that stuff Thursday.  God's good.  It was a good day with good fellowship.  Samuel did laundry for me today while we were sorting.  Love my young man!  He's also sorting his stuff and digging up boxes of transformers, planes, and many blasts from his past.  :o)  Yard sales are a pain, but good a distraction for us right now.

Tomorrow is our 19th anniversary.  Can't believe it's been that long.  Lowell is my best friend.  The one who knows me the best and loves me anyways.  With so much uncertainty today, I thank the Lord for keeping our marriage strong and together for these years.  It's not perfect, but God's allowed us to grow closer through the tough times over the years instead of farther apart.  I am blessed.  Marriage is til death do us part and Lord willing that's what it will take to separate us.  Lowell's birthday is the day after.  Looking forward to a trip to Erie, PA tomorrow night for dinner and some shopping.  Very thankful for my husband and family God's given us. 

Before I close I have to admit how messed up I've been these past few days.  This depression that I allow in at times when I'm focused on the wrong things, has affected my ability to function properly... Just ask Lowell... It started back with us still having one last merchant account to still close out from the Sonshine Corner.  They wouldn't let us make payments, it was all or nothing, $700.   So it kept being put off since we weren't able to set aside that much at one time with other bills.  Whatever.  :o)  Well, Lowell's cousin, Jodi, the funeral director had been gracious with us in honor of Cayla, on not charging us for her services, just what money was spent on items.  We had set aside the money from what we'd been given to pay for this.  When we got the bill from her in the mail, it said we owed nothing because it had anonymously been paid for!  Isn't that amazing?!  God is taking care of us.  (Side note... because Cayla was under 3 years old, they waived the $200 digging and prep fee at the cemetery and because it was in the township my in-laws live in, they took another $100 off, so the cemetery costs were only $150, which my in-laws insisted in paying for in honor of their little granddaughter.  We are blessed!)  So, we now had money set aside that we didn't need to use for the funeral and realized we could pay this store bill off!  Yay!  So Lowell did.  We had been keeping our account open until this was settled.  I thought for some reason last week that Lowell had already closed the Sonshine Corner bank account months ago and had combined it all into our personal account.  He asked me last Friday to go and close the Sonshine Corner account.  All I heard was "close the account".  So, I went to the bank Friday and closed out the wrong account...  Cancelled our debit cards and all.  Although I think I cancelled my card from the personal account and his from the store account.  Such a crazy mess.  I was so proud that I took care of this for Lowell until that evening when I told him how much cash I'd got back from closing the account, and he said, "There was only $10 in that account!"  Oops.  :o}  Well, he was going to close that account too eventually since we've restarted with a different bank, but he still had things being taken out of this account which sent him scrambling a bit to try to change accounts over. I'm not focused... yes, it's causing a few issues in our lives.  This could have been a lot worse, but we were actually laughing about it that night.  He's been very patient with me these days... I love my husband.  I'm still trying to get focused though.  I'm going in tomorrow morning to try and fix this mess. Now the real test of whether I'm focused or not...  :o)

Well, sometime soon, I'll be posting Cayla's memorial service.  Still working out some kinks.  David Brown, Elise's dad, has so wonderfully said he would do this for us.  So maybe this week or next since this is a very busy week, I'll be able to post it and get it working in the blog.  It's hard to hear some parts so I'd like to take the time to type it out too.  We'll see.  I did also find the setting that's not allowed most people to post comments on this blog and changed it. So now I believe anyone can post comments.  We'll see if it works.

Thanks again so, so much for your continued prayers.  We love our Lord, our family and friends for supporting us and holding us up during this difficult time in our lives!


  1. I've been following your blog and praying for you for the last few months. I can't even imagine what your are going through, but so thankful that our God is the God of ALL comfort....
    I'm not even sure if you even remember me...I used to get my car keys from you when I you worked at the PCC cashiers office, My maiden name is Michelle Ghanayem. I always enjoyed your encouraging smile. I didn't realize you only live about 1 1/2 hours from us! I will continue to pray. I hope you enjoy your day in Erie.

    1. Yes, I totally remember you and your gorgeous smile every time you came to my counter. I didn't recognize your married name on fb, but as soon as I saw your picture, I remembered "Miss Ghanayem". I saw you were in PA but not sure where. Nice to know you're not too far. It would be fun to meet and catch up. I'll have to message you on fb. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.

  2. I am so thankful for your testimony in this post. It is real and brutally honest. That is a huge step in healing. We love you and your precious family and are praying for you. Happy Anniversary and Happy Birthday to Lowell. Enjoy your dinner and shopping date. Blessings!!!

    1. Thanks Susan. Looking forward to getting away even for a little bit.
      I've been wanting to write this all out somehow since last Friday morning. I was so unable to function or think, I was calling my pastor's wife at 8am to cry and talk through it all. I guess last night was it. I feel like I'm getting somewhere with my guilt and confusion. God is working slowly on my mind to bring it under His control. I so covet your prayers and love you all so much. Thanks Susan.

  3. Linda,
    I am glad you are reaching out and being so open and honest. I will be praying for you that God will continue to protect your mind.
    Have you ever tried taking melatonin? WebMD examines the hormone melatonin, which helps regulate sleep and wake cycles. I take it in pill form (herbal) to help me on nights that my body is wiped out but my mind is wide AWAKE! It just relaxes me so nicely. Try it one night and see. Sam didn't like how it made him feel. I think he took his too long before going to bed and it made all noises seem amplified. I take mine when I am ready to get in the bed and read. It is awesome!
    I am really glad you will be posting Cayla's going home celebration. It will be nice for us folks too far away to have been there, but wanted to be so badly.
    Lots of love to you and yours.

    1. I'm not one to mess with taking anything. This too shall pass. I've been tired these last couple of days which has been good for sleeping. If I get really desperate, I'll look into it. :o) Thanks Kim for your prayers, love and support.

  4. Just wanted to let you know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!