Saturday, April 28, 2012

Check out day for me

I almost don't feel up to writing right now being so tired, but I think it will help me finish out this crazy day.  I just need to remember I'm still hormonal, greatly sleep deprived, sore, and not always quite sure how to deal with everything going on around me.   I know I could never have made it through today without Lowell here.  God's Word reached through my thick head many times today, sustaining me when I felt overwhelmed.  These 2 verses were on my mind too, I just wish I could truly say the "always" part of verse 8.  I would've had a better day if I was truly able to say this first phrase...

"I have set the Lord always before me: 
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: 
my flesh also shall rest in hope."
Psalm 16:8-9

Tonight, my heart is glad (pretty tired, but glad), not because of circumstances, but because of Jesus Christ being at my side.  My flesh is resting in hope that can only come from Him.  I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, and more I'm sure.  I haven't really gone into detail about the delivery on Tuesday, but Dr. Rajabi stopped by Thursday to check on me at the hospital and told me my incision should be pretty sore for a little longer.  Partly because he had to deal with adhesions.  The scar tissue from my previous c-section 16+ years ago had fused with parts of my intestines and had to be cut apart and cleaned up.  He said that there was a lot of cutting and scraping going on during surgery which will compound my healing in the new incision.  I am feeling good, but still in pain today when standing after sitting for any length of time.  I did get checked out of the hospital as a patient today which made me a little nervous since I don't physically feel ready to take on the world yet.  I will be at the hospital for at least another 2 weeks, maybe more.  So, that makes me feel a little better being around very helpful and sympathetic nurses and doctors who are more than willing to keep an eye on me as well as Cayla.  Just tonight, Lowell worried about me when I was gone longer than usual to pump and asked Cayla's nurse to go check on me.  I had fallen asleep pumping again and had just got up to clean up and go back to the room when I knocked over the bottle of milk I had just pumped.  They say don't cry over spilt milk, but that doesn't apply to a nursing mom who's fighting for every drop.  I was standing there when the door opened, saw Jennifer the nurse and burst into tears (for about the 6th time today).  She just took right over, dealt with the mess, and then looked at me and started to talk to me about my day and what all was going on.  She listened as I cried, talked with me about it all and then told me what I was going to do.  She was now my nurse and not just Cayla's.  :o)  She told me to go back and hold Cayla for a few minutes and then Lowell was to pack me up and take me downstairs in a wheelchair to the mall and get some fresh fruit or a simple snack.  Then take me back to our room at Ronald McDonald House (RMH) and put my feet up and put me to bed to read, relax, sleep or just rest since it was only 7pm.  Lowell didn't hesitate one bit since this was already pretty much his plan, but was glad to have the nurse tell me so I couldn't argue.  I didn't argue, and off we went. 

Today was the last day we could be at the hospital, but still didn't know where we were going to be tonight.  We somehow didn't get on the waiting list for RMH and I was being discharged.  I can't stay in the NICU and thought we were going to have to sleep in the RMH family room that's in the hospital and sleep in recliners.  The social worker from yesterday realized our dilemma and made the call to RMH herself and come to find out that the lactation nurse was really concerned last night about us and made a call herself to RMH saying that she had a new mom who really needed a room and didn't want her sleeping on a recliner, and asked if there was possibly any way we could get bumped up the list.  Not sure how long the list was.  It might not have been that long anyways.  But apparently between these 2 people pleading on our behalf, we got a phone call before lunch saying we had a room for as long as we need it at the RMH!  I don't think I cried then, but could have.  I know I definitely felt like it if I didn't.  We had no idea they went to bat for us. 

We were able to hear the doctors' reports as they came through this morning.  Cayla's doing well, but now they have found another problem, this time with her little bottom.  Not wanting to go into it all on the blog, it appears she will need another surgery around 6 months old to correct this problem.  We have not heard an official word on the surgery part.  If this is true, it would have to be worked around her more important heart surgery.  I hear news like this and initially want to cry and did.  The feeling that everytime we turn around this week, we're hearing of more problems she has that will require surgery in the future outside of her heart surgeries.  This kind of hit me at a moment when I felt that if they find one more thing to have to operate on her little body, I'm going to lose it.  A few tears came out, but then those verses came to mind.  I was instantly reminded that none of these really are life-threatening surgeries and the one big life-threatening surgery has been eliminated.  God is working in her life.  God is working in our lives.  I just needed to change my focus there a little bit and realize that the Lord is at my right hand and we will not be moved.  Ours and Cayla's strength will come from the Lord.  We can love her through all this and still have a heart that is glad.  I love that, because after all my tears today, I need a glad heart and so will little miss Cayla.

I need to go to bed, but I just wanted to talk about checking in at RMH.  We are blessed to be sitting here tonight.  God is good.  So... if any of you read my blog from a while ago about a call from Nurse Mary Lou, you might remember my reaction to hearing that we qualified to stay at the RMH.  I was pretty much overwhelmed at that initial phone call to think that we were going to be one of those families with a sick child that was able to stay at the RMH.  I didn't want to picture me and my family in that way.  So, here we are, facing that moment when the RMH is our destination for the 1st time.  Lowell and I had all our stuff and were on the shuttle bus.  As it pulled up, I started crying before I even stepped off.  I couldn't stop.  We walked inside, Lowell started checking in and I could hold it back no longer and burst into tears in front of everyone.  I couldn't stop either.  I wasn't really thinking about it consciously, but somewhere inside me realized this had come true and we were here and I had no control over the tears.  Lowell just held me and time stood still.  When I had a some kind of control, he was able to finish, but I was sitting there the whole time unable to speak as tears just rolled out my eyes.  I was a little overwhelmed to put it lightly.  My eyes were unable to focus and the room was kind of moving when I realized that I am physically exhausted and just needed to sleep.  We quietly went through the tour, were showed our room with all the instructions, and as soon as Lowell closed the door, I started crying out loud again.... crazy feeling to be so helplessly out of control of your emotions.  It's also the stupid hormones working against me too.  I just got my pumping stuff and went down to the little room and pumped and sat and thought of my precious Cayla Joy.  Calmed me right down.  Lowell had walked to Rite Aid to get my prescriptions for pain.  I came back, made up the bed, and had just laid down when Lowell got back and  we both crashed for an hour and a half before my alarm went off and we needed to go to the NICU to get my dinner they ordered and see Cayla.  I am so grateful for all that RMH is doing for us.  This is an amazing place.  I am so thankful to have a bed to sleep in tonight and that God worked out all the details for us and here we are.  And I can rest well because I know Cayla is in great hands tonight over in the NICU.   Oh, I did take some pics of our room here, but haven't had time to download.  Maybe in another post I'll add a bunch more pictures of  our time these last few days. 

Now it's off to bed, and I am really looking forward to no one coming in to check my vital signs in the night, or wake me up for blood work, etc.  Thank you Lord for all you've done for us today.  :o) 

1 comment:

  1. It's morning now and I just hope your sleep was restful. Sleep is your VERY BEST FRIEND right now. Try to take several naps while Cayla is in the hospital. Like you said, she is in the best hands and sleep will allow you to gain your strength for when you bring her home.