Sunday, March 18, 2012

Just letting out a few tears, but it's all good!

Well, I don't know what to do with myself right now.  My left ankle is swollen and I am way too antsy to lay down with my foot up.  I tried to elevate it and read some of the full-sized 3 ring binder at least 1/2 thick that Cleveland Clinic sent me to be prepared for my surgery, the C-section.  Who knew there was possibly that much info needed before surgery?  I didn't get too far. I did read the part about no nail polish, makeup and so on... is this really necessary?  I've got to look beautiful for Cayla's entrance into this world, don't I?  I think so, but whatever. :o)  Surgery is at 8am and we have to be checked in by 6am.  That'll be an early morning, but I get to sleep the rest of the day, I just feel bad for everyone else. 

Oh well, I gave up reading and started feeling the great urge to cry.  I thought I better get up and do something, but was crying before I even made it to the kitchen sink to do dishes.  Of course I had to give into it.  I just scrubbed those dishes even harder. It's just one of those times when I stop and look at everything around me that's not right or perfect and am wanting it to be.  Problem = wrong focus... I cried tears over how I've been struggling to communicate with Lowell today when yesterday was great.  He even bought me flowers yesterday.  I cried over how I overreact to people and have pushed them away.  I cried over Samuel and thought what hope does he have with parents like us?  I cried over everything but Cayla.  I cried about how my back hurt and my shoulders ached.  I cried over the fact that I had too much pride to go upstairs and ask Lowell to massage them.  I'm just being honest here because it's where I'm at.  I'm just feeling a little too many hormones floating around inside me...  I cried because I haven't spent alone time with God the last 2 days.  It pretty much lasted through all the pots and pans and dishes and silverware and glasses and plates and bowls...  Positive note:  My dishes are done and my kitchen counters are all clean!  Yay!  I'm feeling better already just writing this out.  I'm fine, I'm sure.  I know Lowell and I will talk and be fine.  I know I'm pregnant and will blame this on it. :o)  I just felt like venting a little.  Maybe I shouldn't do it on a blog, but oh well.  Every post can't be Polyanna, can it?  Maybe.  I don't know.

When I get like this, I need to be careful what I cry out to God for.  The last time I cried like this was Thursday night, Feb. 2nd.  I remember very distinctly because that night I was on my knees weeping into the sofa, begging God to change me.  Begging God to bring me closer to Him and take away any hypocrisy in my Christian life.  It went on for close to an hour.  I'm sure there was a lot I cried over, but that was the main urgency that night.  I remember because it was the next day, Friday the 3rd that I met Dr. Rajabi for the 1st time at my appointment with a "specialist".  My OB/GYN hadn't warned me about Cayla's problems and that was the day Samuel and I went and found out that Cayla had a major heart defect and a possible club foot and who knows what all.  You ask God for something, you better be ready to get it how He sees fit to give it to you.  It's like asking for patience.  You just don't go there because you're going to end up with 100 annoying people and circumstances in your life just to teach you patience. :o)  Well, I asked God to do whatever it takes to bring me closer to Him, and there it was the next day.  The first news of Cayla's problems.  That's the kind of thing that definitely brings you closer to God, not that that's the reason for all of Cayla's problems.  It's just how God works His timing.  That appointment was already set and her problems were already there, but God waited until I cried out to Him, to let me know about her heart and all.  It's all, once again, in His timing.  I have to say that I and all of us, have been brought closer to God through this.  This is a very good thing.  God's faithful.  I do feel 100 times better after writing in the blog, but it's 11pm and Lowell is telling me to come to bed.  So, I must go.  Until next time. :o)

It's now Monday afternoon and I thought I'd come back and add on to my post from last night.  I went down to the church to practice with Dotty for Sunday, and got talking to my pastor's wife.  I am very thankful for her and her insight.  She made the fatal mistake of asking how I was doing... I just started complaining a bit about yesterday and such.  She listened and told me to remember that even though Lowell and Samuel don't have extra hormones flying around right now, they are still feeling the stress (maybe a different stress than I have) from all that has been going on in our lives.  I can cry and deal with it, but that's not how they'll deal with it.  She said when I cry that adds more stress to them since they don't always know what to do or say with me.  I know that she's right, and I do forget that they are dealing with everything differently than I am.  She told me to do something special for them tonight.  Make a special dinner, or make a dessert, or whatever.  Well, groceries are limited and I don't have a car, so I looked through my cabinets and realized I could make some homemade cinnamon rolls for them.  :o)  It's so amazing how my whole perspective changed with a few wise words from a godly woman.  Nothing earth shattering, but when pregnant, simple things can make a huge difference.  I can't wait to love on my "boys" and make sure they know how much I love them!  And it was easy to make them since my kitchen was all cleaned up this morning!  :o)  Nice how that works out!  Love you Lowell and Samuel!!

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you."
John 15:12


  1. I love all the ways God prepared you for your sweet little Cayla!
    Thanks a lot, now I'm thinking about cinnamon rolls.

    1. Since they get the cinnamon rolls, I figured I should make up some sugar-free Jell-o. We're all happy tonight! Thanks Kim!

  2. Thanks for being REAL! I thought about you and I continually through a Bible Conference service Friday night about the right way to ask God "why." He's so good, and you are such a godly woman. I have much to learn from you!

    1. Oh my, Amy. It's all a growing process! I am just someone who wants to be real with God and those around me. You are and have been someone I've looked up to with your abilities and talents God has given you! You are someone who God is using in mighty ways, and I'm sure there are days you don't think so, but God works despite us! I loved going to your mom's house for Bible study and accountability. You and your family are very special people and I am thankful for that! If I can encourage you in any way, I say Amen to that! God is doing a great work in me, and I'm so glad to be able to share it with others! Thanks for the encouragement.