Monday, September 24, 2012

Samuel's 17... missing my Cayla

Well, thinking about little miss Cayla alot these days.  I guess I will for a while... especially around the 22nd and 24th of each month.  Yes, she'd be 5 months old today.  I guess in time I will get past these days of the month without noticing, but not yet.  We'd probably still be at Cleveland Clinic recovering from her 2nd heart surgery so we could gear up for her bottom surgery.  Oh well.  How to stop these thoughts.  I do not know.  I love her so much.  I miss her so much.  I want to kiss her and hold her one more time. 

I have this picture of her and Lowell as my desktop background, and I find myself before I go to bed each night, telling her that, Momma loves you, and stuff like that.  There's going to be a permanent mark on my screen where I "rub her head" like I used to.  Feeling like this is pretty pathetic, but it makes me feel like I can at least say goodnight to her each night.  Don't know if it's "healthy" but it's where I'm at.  :o) 

I really am doing ok.  I just miss her.  I am feeling like I'm functioning a little more like myself everyday.  Haven't determined whether that's good or bad yet... ;o)  Samuel and I are doing the couch to 5K program instead of just our own walking/jogging for 3-4 miles.  This is different, so we'll see how it goes.  We only went one day last week between Samuel's poison ivy all over his body and then his birthday.  So today was a little rough getting back into it.  I am loving this cooler weather though.  The trail is pretty shaded so it's definitely jacket weather. 

I really need to do this and watch what I'm eating since I've gained back all the weight I lost with my pregnancy and some.  I need to hourly ask for God's strength to do what's right for my body physically.  I cannot do this on my own.  I've tried my whole life to be able to lose the weight.  I mean lose it and keep it off.  I'm going to take it where I'm at right now and ask God at the top of every hour (even if I need to set my alarm) to be in control of my actions.  To drink a glass of water every hour.  To take a few minutes to pray for all the many people needing it that God brings my mind throughout that hour.  To guard what I eat. To smile and show the love of God.  To not be a waster of my time.  It's easy to sit here and write this out... what great intentions.  Well have to see what kind of a report on how I do in the next post...

Good news!  Well, bad news too.  First the good news... My hair that has been falling out by the handfuls is growing back.  Yay!  My head is covered with half inch peach fuzz.  Some are even longer.  :o)  Ok, the bad news... It's coming back white and kinky.  I have white hairs zig-zagging out of my head that will not curl, or unkink.  It's almost funny it's so bad.  Actually it is funny right now while it's still just a few long ones that stick out, but once all these many other ones start growing out longer, me thinks it won't be funny anymore.  At least you can't see my scalp all the way back anymore.  So I guess this means another update will have to come later with pictures.  Eww, Ahh.

Another note, two weeks ago, I was able to complete the process to send in my milk and they called to tell me they pasteurized it that morning and it's already being used.  They were thrilled with the amount I was able to send and the content of it.  She said it is just what they need for preemies with lots of thick cream and good fats (from all the salmon I was eating).  :o)  So, I'm so glad that finally worked out and is done.

Don't have time now, but I'll have to take pictures of Cayla's little box.  We put some of her mementos in a fancy jewelry box from Things Remembered.  I keep meaning to do that and don't think about it until times like now when I don't have the time to do it.  Oh well. 

Samuel's now 17 and we had a great weekend celebrating him!  Although the celebrating will continue this next weekend too.  Friday night Grandma and Grandpa are taking us to an Indians game in Cleveland and on Saturday, Lowell managed to get tickets to see Tim Hawkins, the Christian comedian, in Middleburg Heights.  Somewhere in the suburbs of Cleveland I think.  Plus we got a free $50 gift card to Chili's and Lowell has been through Chili's withdrawl since moving to Ashtabula... So he's really looking forward to this weekend as well.  We all are.  It will be nice going to Cleveland for something other than the Clinic.  :o)

Some pics from Saturday night with family and friends.

Thanks for all the love and prayers.  So many times I feel my spirits lift and just know someone had to have been praying for us.  Thank you.  We'll talk more later!  ;o)

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