Just sitting here tonight typing out the words spoken at Cayla's homegoing service, trying to get it ready to post. I've been putting it off and not wanting to do it. It's actually been helping me though tonight somewhat. I've been weepy these last couple of days and am concerned with myself in a way. I don't know what to say. I guess I'm going through a gradual realization that I'm depressed. Many have told me so, but I'm just grieving in my own way I thought. I know there's depression weaved into my life right now. I don't wash any dishes after dinner and don't care until we run out and then I wash just enough to function a few more days. Of course that's not a tell-tale sign, I did that before Cayla... ;o) I've just got to the point now that my counters are never clear. I need to clean my bathroom, but I don't. I need to get spiderwebs out of the corners and do my floors, but I don't. I guess the problem is that I don't care. Apathy. At least before when I didn't get my house cleaned, it bothered me. It doesn't right now.
Physically, I'm gaining back the weight I lost from having Cayla. Not good. Makes me feel awful, but not awful enough to stop eating. I'm not being super careful with my Celiac Disease. I'm not eating bread or anything obvious like that, but it's the little things like not caring to look into what mayo, soy sauce, etc. was used in something I'm eating. Before, I wouldn't eat it if I didn't know. If it's not something major, I don't seem to care. I'm finally starting to feel some effects from this... not good. I'm not drinking water. I was drinking a big mug of 24 ounces of water every hour or so. I've gone days without a drop. I'm not drinking soda or anything else either. I'm just not drinking. Just milk with my cereal. I have an almost full bottle of prenatal vitamins I was still taking to use them up and help me out, but haven't been taking them or anything else. My hair is falling out quite a bit. I am cleaning my brush every morning. All of this is leading to me being tired with achy joints. I feel like I've gained 10-20 years in the last 6 weeks. I was feeling so, so, so good when I was home with Cayla keeping me on my toes. I had a great reason to stay healthy.
I don't know. I'm reading the Bible and God is speaking to me and I am so encouraged, but I'm obviously not listening too closely to Him right now. When I'm out or around people, I can try and be the same old Linda, but deep down I know this isn't the same Linda. I don't want to be where I'm at because I don't think God gets much glory from it. Actually, I know God doesn't get glory from me when I'm like this. When I cry, it's not a despondant cry, just missing my little girl in my arms kind of cry.
I was telling the ladies at work that I haven't thought myself depressed because I seem to be somewhat fine most of the time. But when I started listing and thinking about all the physical things I'm doing or not doing, how can I say I'm not. So, I guess I am depressed in some way. I could go talk it out with a professional counselor, but why do I need to when I'm talking it out and putting myself out there to the blog and the unknown audience. :o) I don't know. I do though know I need prayer. I'm super tired, going to bed, hoping tomorrow will be a good day. Today was good overall. It all depends on what you're looking for.
Appreciate the prayers. I think I should be over this, and I'm not. I shouldn't say that because I know it's not been long and it's ok to not be over this and I know I'll never be over this. But I said it anyways. :o) Gotta go to bed. Hopefully her service will be ready to be posted soon. :o)
Good night all.
Linda, once again your transparency is a sign of the strength of your inner spirit in Christ. Once again, your loss of Cayla is on a much, much greater scale than my loss, but it took me 5 months to start to feel normal again, so I can only imagine that all of your feelings are still within the range of "normal." It doesn't mean they're healthy or where you want to be, but they are normal and survivable with God's continued guidance. I remember saying over and over "How can I miss something (someone) so much that I never really had in the first place." You had her, you held her, you knew her...that makes the loss so much more intense but you wouldn't trade the moments for the pain because you are Cayla's mama! Keep trusting what you know even when what you feel doesn't match up. Cayla's life continues to greatly impact everyone around you. I know, you'd probably trade her impact to just have her, but we know God is good even when it doesn't feel that way. Maybe we haven't shared the struggles of our oldest son with you. His life has been on the verge of complete disaster for years and it came to yet another low last night, and one of the first pieces of counsel my mom gave me was "Amy, it's like Cayla's life, God is in control, we do everything we can possibly do, and God is still in control and will only allow what He deems right." Thank you for being so transparent with your feelings. I still think you are Super Mom, and I love you! Continued prayers...
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy. I don't want to write at times, but it's actually so helpful for me to get my thoughts down in writing. I'm sorry about your son. I'll be praying for him and you and Brian too. I am so thankful for the 2 months we had her. She could have died in the womb, but we were blessed.
DeleteI'm planning on writing again here in a little bit. I had a pretty good day. Thanks for your friendship and prayers. :o)