Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Well, we were supposed to be going to an 8am appointment with the nutritionist; then to Dr. Gurd's to remove her final cast and get shoes with a bar and discuss her spine and what he planned to do with it; then to Dr. Erenberg her cardiologist for an echocardiogram; and maybe someone else too.  Can't quite remember now.  I guess they've all been told and aren't expecting us today.  I know I've talked to Dr. Erenberg's office, but I don't know how it all works.  Dr. Erenberg wants to just talk, so I told her I could come in Thursday.  Mary Lou called me and wants to see me then too.  Cathy the lactation nurse wants to see me as well. 

Which reminds me... Did I ever mention green cabbage leaves before?  I'm pretty sure I didn't.  Here we are at Cleveland Clinic, a pretty well known and respected hospital in the nation, and what is the remedy recommended by the lactation nurses when milk production is coming to an abrupt end?  Green cabbage leaves.  Some asked me if they gave me pills to take or what not.  Nope.  Just to use cabbage leaves to relieve the pressure and help the milk ducts.  I'm going to have to talk to her Thursday about how this works, but let me tell you, it does.  They also recommended to pump a few minutes here and there to take the edge off, especially at the beginning and all, which also helped.  Not to keep the supply going, but just to relieve some pressure.  It all has worked even though I didn't open my email about the cabbage leaves until later, but the thought of cabbage leaves just makes me smile.  No meds or anything fancy... au natural.  Love it.

I do have questions I want to ask.  I don't know if I should even bother.  It's not going to change the outcome.  So do I really want to ask the What if's... Should I have... Why didn't...?  I do have some questions such as:  When we were readmitted to the hospital May 27th, they said her white blood cell count was extremely high.  Aren't they the fighters?  Don't white blood cells fight infection?  If she had high numbers then that were fighting off something they were never able to identify, wouldn't she have had those same white blood cells show up on that Friday and put up a fight?  Where were they then?  I'm sure they were there, so maybe there was more to all this? It seems to me she had some kind of an immune system, so what could have happened that Friday?  Out of all the things wrong with her, her heart was actually doing the best, yet it was listed as heart failure for the cause of death.   Do they think the infection in her bottom caused all this?  I know they don't know, they weren't there.  Which brings me to ask them this burning question that has bothered me since that day... Why didn't the helicopter come right away?  I don't think coming to life-flight someone 2 and half hours after the call is worth the time of day.  I could have driven her to Cleveland Clinic, to her doctors that knew what was going on with her, there and back in the time it took to get a helicopter there, at which time it was too late. 

Another one is:  They were never able to get an IV in her at the ER.  Would that have made a difference?  Could they have been able to get meds into her to prevent this if they could've got that IV in?  They even brought an ultrasound machine in the ER to help find her veins to get an IV in and couldn't do it.  Why was she held so long at ACMC if they couldn't make things happen?  Just stick her in an ambulance and take her over if the helicopter's not going to be here for another hour or 2.  They even told us it would be that long when I asked when the transport would be here. I know I'm sounding riled up, even angry through typing when reading the printed word without hearing the intonation in my voice, but my tone is more of frustration than anything else.  What if I brought her in an hour or more earlier?  Yes, I took her to Dr. El Gammal first, but that only added about 15 minutes since her office is in the hospital.  I wanted her to see her since she had just seen her the day before.  Whenever I go down these paths of What if's, I am reminded she truly was in God's hands.  He could have prevented her death that afternoon if He wanted to.  It was just her time.  I really am ok with that, but I still have questions I know will never be truly answered.  I don't know that I should even bring anything up with the doctors on Thursday.  We'll see.  I don't know that I even feel better writing this kind of stuff out.  It's just rehashing it all in my mind.  I couldn't sleep last night and had to come downstairs and read so Lowell could sleep.  I couldn't stop replaying all this and the questions in my mind and was going into a place in my mind I don't want to go.  I was able to read and engross myself in someone else's life for a while as I fell asleep instead. 

God will get me and all of us through this.  It's just going to take time.  God brought me to Psalm 28 this morning. I think I'll close this morning with verses 6 and 7 of this chapter.  It's going to be all right.  Going to go put on some music, get ready and finish my dishes.  I don't know about our picnic this morning since it's now finally raining, but we'll see what the day holds.  Love you all!

"Blessed be the LORD, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped;
therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him."
Psalm 28:6,7

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes, I think just writing all those questions out...saying them out loud, actually just get them out of your head. I believe this is good therapy for you...get it out of your system.
    I know the would'ves, should'ves, could'ves will bug you for a long time but things went the way God planned for them to go. I know you miss your little girl and in time, I know God will lessen the pain till you are reunited with her again someday. We have to trust God that Cayla's life happened just as He planned and that some good will come of it all. I know...easier said than done, right?
    Love you Linda! You are truly a Godly woman and Lowell is fortunate to have you as his wife and Samuel to have you for his mom! God Bless you all. Still praying for strength and comfort.