Cayla's Little Joshie Doll

I've been thinking so much this past week and now that I sit here on the blog, I can't think of any of it...  Listening to a song about the greatness of God.  I'm a little distracted, but don't want to turn it off.  I like the many radio choices on iTunes.  There's something for every mood.

There's so much going on inside me.  I don't honestly know how to put it in words, but that's never seemed to stop me from trying before...  I've been wondering why I'm not really trying very hard to get a job.  Lowell's been trying to push me, albeit gently, but still pushing me to try harder.  This is the time people are hiring and I'm sitting back hiding.  So, I wasn't really trying to figure my actions out, but I had a meltdown last week which explained a lot to me.  Samuel could have probably done without the drama, but he graciously listened.  Part of me is realizing I'm at a point where I'm going to go back to work full-time, Lord-willing.  The only way that would happen is if I'm "done" raising my children.  Well, I'm done.  School's over for us.  Samuel will turn 18 in a month.  Cayla's in heaven.  In my tears and exasperation I felt the finality of it.  There is a little part of me that still feels like I shouldn't be at this crossroads, but I am. I truly have accepted Cayla's death and trust God's working through the good and the bad.  I guess that doesn't mean my emotions won't keep popping up here and there. These thoughts hit me earlier.

I went to Job and Family Services, at least I think that's what it's called, last Wednesday.  She gave me so much help and tips, I can hardly remember it all.  A possible job opportunity came up and I'll know by Wednesday, August 28th if I got the job or not.  I'm not worried either way because it's wonderful to trust Jesus to help me find the right job for me.

SOOO, I have to say... Sheena Wood and Jill Haskins have done a very special thing for me.  Jill had a little boy, Joshua, born in August of 2010.  He had the same congenital heart defect as Cayla did.  He lived about the same amount of time too, but he never got to leave the hospital.  Different circumstances, but still sweet little heart babies.  Jill has very transparently shared her very painful story with me and encouraged me as I went through the death of Cayla and guilt and grief.

In honor of her Joshie, she, being extremely talented, has started making Joshie Dolls.  The link to this page on Facebook is https://www.facebook.com/JoshieDolls.  You've go to check out the pictures of theses precious children and their dolls.  She sews each child's scars on to be identical to it's owner.  She places a little heart in the chest before she sows them back up.  It's just so sweet to see the children get their special Joshie Doll that's just like them.  I love scrolling through the pictures and seeing their before and after "surgery" pictures.  Those that help her and Jill herself do this all voluntarily.  They don't make money off of them.  The cost is reflective of the cost it takes to make them.  I thought that since Cayla has died, I don't need one, but they sure are fun to look at!

Well, Sheena Wood, who introduced me to Jill, and Jill got in on this together and made a Joshie Doll for us.  She even was able to use a foot that wouldn't go straight to copy Cayla's club foot.  :o)  She's so sweet.  When Sheena brought the doll by last week, under the auspice of bringing me some Chex Puppy Chow, I couldn't help myself and started crying when I realized what was in the bag.  I feel so blessed.  Such a sweet little Cayla/Joshie Doll!  Check out their page and pass it on to anyone who has a child with a Congenital Heart Defect.

So, Jill, a huge thanks to you for your talent and heart.  Sheena, a huge thanks to you for your love for people and making them know they're special.  You both are very special people, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you!  She's precious!

$0.00 Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider

It's Friday morning and I just got off the phone with Cleveland Clinic.  On that phone call I heard the words, "Your account is at $0.00.  You owe nothing more."  I asked her to repeat it since I've heard that before, and she did.  I asked her if that was for all 3 accounts we had there, and she said, "Yes.  I can guarantee you 100% that you owe nothing else to Cleveland Clinic and will not receive a bill for Cayla again."  I couldn't help myself and burst into tears on the phone.  I'm still crying/weeping as I type.  It's like something inside me has snapped.  I can't stop crying.  It's just a huge release of pressure or something.  I don't know if it's because of the finality of it all or that the last bill of $2,365.00 we got in May, has been covered by God through the Bureau for Children with Medical Handicaps and Cleveland Clinic.  I think it's because of both.  It's good Samuel's out running and not here to hear me wail like this...  I'm sure I'll cry all over again when I tell him and then again when I tell Lowell when he calls at lunch.  Maybe I should wait and tell him after work.  No, I don't think I can.

God has been so, so good to us.  He has taught us to rely on Him for our needs and in the process supplied some of our wants.  He's good like that.  I feel so utterly undeserving of His goodness right now, but am so overwhelmed and thankful for it. What comes to mind is Psalm 136 - God's mercy endures forever!  I've got to add some of those verses.  Here's verses 1-9 and 23-26.

O Give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

O give thanks unto the God of gods:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

O give thanks to the Lord of lords:  for his mercy endureth for ever. 

To him who alone doeth great wonders:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

To him that stretched out the earth above the waters:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

To him that made great lights:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

The sun to rule by day:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

The moon and stars to rule by night:  for his mercy endureth for ever...

Who remembered us in our low estate:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

And hath redeemed us from our enemies:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

Who giveth food to all flesh:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

O give thanks unto the God of heaven:  for his mercy endureth for ever.

You know, I tried to tell her thank you as a representative of CC and apologize for my outburst and inability to stop crying, but she just told me to go on crying and it's "all good".  She's going to send me a bill that shows everything at $0.00 and will settle the account out completely with Medical Mutual.  She said she'd put her name and ID# on the bill to hold her to everything she said on the phone.  

God is still showing how great He is through the life of our precious Cayla Joy!   He knows where we're at in every aspect of our lives!  He allows us to get to certain places in our life to see if we really are trusting Him.  He wants to bless us, but also wants our obedience.

Well, I'm settled down.  Feeling exhausted, relieved, and unsure what to do with myself.  I've wanted to write here over the past month or so, but have been unable to.  It's not that I've been too emotional to write or even depressed, just that I either didn't know what to say or how to say it.  I never even tried to sit down and write.  I have to have something to say, for the most part, or I can't write.  I can't just sit and write that Cayla died a year ago.  I don't know what else to say.  I've shed my tears, laughed and loved with her through pictures.  It is what it is.  God made her for this very specific purpose, and she's His, in His arms.  As much as I've always wanted more children, I truly am okay with all that has happened.  I hope I've learned and done what God intended to accomplish through my beautiful daughter's life.  I'm blessed too because I can see some of how God used her life.  I know many people lose children or loved ones, and don't see the purpose for it until heaven.  God has worked in many people's hearts because of Cayla Joy, and souls have been saved.  What an honor.  I'll say it again, I truly am okay with all that's happened.  Would I have done it this way?  No.  Am I God?  No.  Would I rather trust a perfect God?  Absolutely.

I've mentioned this before, but I don't think in the blog.  There's a song called "God's Been Good".  It has a line in the chorus that says, "and though I've had my share of hard times, I wouldn't change them if I could...".  I wanted to sing this song Sunday, June 23rd since Cayla died the 22nd, but couldn't because of that line.  I know God has done things in our lives through Cayla's life and death that couldn't have been accomplished any other way.  He's changed me through this, but I can't truly say that line.  Yet.  I do wish she could have lived.  I do wish she would have been healthy.  I do wish I still had my little girl.  God could still have used her life for His glory.  I'm not trying to undo all the good that God has done and is doing because of Cayla's life and death, I'm just being honest.  Every time I came to that line, I felt like a liar.  I just skipped it, but knew I couldn't sing  the song if I didn't believe what I was singing, which is sad because it's such a good song.  Oh well, there's another song on PCC's album "God Is Good" called "Even in the Valley".  This one I'll have to sing with Larina.  It's all good!  Someday, I do hope to be able to sing that line.  I'm just not there yet.

I've been gone all evening and our internet went out this afternoon, so I'll have to finish this tomorrow.

Well, we're now home from hiking at Nelson's Ledges, and it's 2:30 pm Saturday afternoon.  I'm so tired, but feeling great.

So, I'm facing an empty nest, and part of me flinches when I say that.  It's going to be okay.  We will just always continue to go through events in life and wonder what life would be like if Cayla were with us.  That is just something we will do.  Even sitting at my brother's bonfire while everyone was making s'mores last Saturday night, I started quietly crying in the dark just trying to picture Cayla with all her cousins.  When we went to Columbus for Samuel's graduation in June, we sat around talking about how that weekend would be different with Cayla.  Would we have been able to do and go to all the places we did?  Which made us stop and think about where she'd be in the line of surgeries.  Who knows?  But these conversations will pop up randomly throughout our lives. Sometimes there's sweet tears, sometimes there's smiles and stories.  God's love and comfort is always there.  His perspective.  It changes everything.  I am learning to sit and listen more.  I don't think I've done a whole lot of listening at times with God.  I talk, I read, I ask forgiveness and ask for needs, then I run off again into my day.  Listening is good.  I wish I'd done more of it in the past.

So thinking about what's coming up this week.  Wednesday, July 17th, will be our 20th anniversary!  I keep telling everyone I deserve a medal.  Well, if I do, he does too.  I might seem all sweet and kind and outgoing and all, but like I said earlier, I'm not always a good listener nor a good follower.  He's put up with his share of craziness from me and I with him.  You know, you ask a person why they love someone and they can say all sorts of nice things about them, but in a marriage it's not always full of all the nice things they do.  There's a lot of other junk that rears its ugly head.  Why I know I will always love Lowell is because when the ugly stuff happens, I can get mad - he can get mad, and in the midst of it all, I can look at him and still have such unexplainable love for him.  I can complain, but I can also forgive.  We are anything but perfect, but no matter what happens, I know he loves me even at my worst.  We made our vows, "Till death do us part."  It is the Lord helping us to love when we don't feel like it.  It's the Lord opening our eyes to what we need to do to change and keep the marriage going.  It's not about changing the other person.  The Lord knows we've both tried!  Ha!  Anyways, God's working in us and keeping our marriage strong through the hard times.   Who knows what the next 20 years will hold!

Well, we've been busy with Samuel's graduation.  That went so well and right into his open house the next weekend with lots of family here.  We are praying for Samuel as he makes decisions for his future.  He's still looking into the Air Force.  I will be happy with him anywhere if that's where God wants him.  Military or not.  We went to Virginia to see my brother Jim and his family and my dad and Pat.  Very good to relax a little and get a change of scenery with family.  Got to see Kim Yeatts and Debbie Fitts while we were there too.

Thanks for listening and rejoicing with us over God providing for us!  Pray for me and Samuel to find jobs.  For Lowell as he works through the loss of Cayla in his own way, which is nothing like me.  We all handle grief differently.  So we love and appreciate you all and your prayers!

My brother and his family of 9.  Kim Yeatts and 3 of her girls.
Debbie Fitts and 5 of her children, and the 3 of us at the
Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum near Dulles International Airport, Northern Virginia.

Debbie, me and Kim

Debbie and I.  Went to youth group together back in the good old 80's.  

Kim and I.  We met when we were 5 years old back in the day...  almost 40 years ago.  

The Space Shuttle 'Discovery' that was flown in by piggy-back last fall on its final flight.

My guys.

Samuel's graduation open house

Samuel with Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, Aunt Cathie and Matt, and cousins Hannah and Sheylyn
 at the Columbus Convention Center.

Financial and Emotional Blessings

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee:"

Psalm 55:22

"...and of faith unfeigned:"

I Timothy 1:5

I feel like my burden is getting lighter.  It had become heavy a few weeks ago, but it's very light right now thanks to God and how He works in my life and those around me.  I only put the last phrase of the verse in Timothy.  I Timothy has been a great book to read.  Read the rest of the verse, the chapter and book.  The verse says our goal is love from a pure heart and conscience "...and of faith unfeigned."  Fake faith is one thing I never want to be accused of.  God is more real to me every day that passes.  If my friends and family can't see my faith in God is real, then God's not getting glory from my life.  I pray that whatever He brings into my life will give Him glory.  He has blessed us financially through friends, family, Lowell's job, insurance, and BCMH.  I didn't think we'd still be dealing with finances for Cayla a year later, but we are, but God's faithful through it all!  He has blessed us emotionally with family, friends and His Word.  Even just knowing my in-laws are stopping and checking on her grave site helps me.  There are so many things to praise God for, this whole post is just part of it.  I'm warning you now, it's turned out to be a long one.  So much going on, but we are blessed.  We are looking forward to Samuel graduating next weekend and his open house June 8th!  We have a wonderful son who loves the Lord that we have been blessed with.  Cayla was a blessing too, and we do have much to be thankful for.  So here goes.  I'll put a picture of my two children in here first though and then one of Samuel and I at 11 pm this past Mother's Day.

We thought we were through with bills from Cleveland Clinic.  Silly us. We'd just paid down the amount we were told was left after insurance.  So, we then got another (random) list a couple of months ago totaling another $2,300 they say we have to pay.  We tried to call and get things figured out, but didn't get anywhere.  We got busy and set it aside.  Well, we got a "Final Notice" on these items again.  I called them, they said they'd given the list to BCMH (Bureau for Children with Medical Handicaps) back in January and this is apparently what's left over to pay.  So, I called BCMH and got the claims supervisor.  She said they received this list in January and paid for much of them, and proceeded to go through all the charges on my list and tell me what we're not responsible for.  She took off $1,300 from the $2,300 and said what we owed for sure was about $350.  But I had a $200 and $500 charge on mine that they had not received.  She said she would ask what the $700 was and try to get rid of that bill and call Cleveland Clinic to take off the other charges they'd paid.  Yay!  I said God is good, right?  

So I called CC's in house collection agency and told them what she said.  He took the lady's name and phone number and said he would mark our account pending until he'd heard more.

Then an hour later, she calls me back from BCMH and said she was going to ask CC to write off our $350.  So, this COULD be the end of the bills, although I've said this before, so don't hold me to it.  I only cried once during the phone calls.  I was very proud of myself since I usually bawl through entire conversations that deal with bills.

BCMH asks every doctor at CC to be a part of their program.  Some say no, many say yes.  The charges that BCMH couldn't cover were from certain doctors that weren't under their plan.  But BCMH has covered quite a bit for us that insurance did not cover which has been a life-saver and a huge blessing!  God is taking care of us through so much!  I will ask for prayer that CC will write the rest off.  If we have to pay it, we will, but... you know.  If we don't, even better!

I was washing dishes yesterday and had the thought that it's been a year or so since Cayla came home, and I was washing a thousand little pieces every day besides our regular dishes.  I just left the big towel on the counter next to the sink with all her "stuff" on it.  There were big (normal) 8oz bottles that I used to mix the milk with some formula.  There were little bottles that she used every other feeding.  There were big syringes for full feedings through the NG tube.  There were medium sized syringes to use for what was left over after her attempt with the bottle.  There were small syringes for water to rinse the NG tube every time after we used it and for pumping air every time to check that the tube was in place.  There were smaller syringes for her calcium and ... you know, I can't remember what the other medicine was she had to take.  Oh well, she had to take them twice a day.  Then there were the milk bottles that I used for pumping and storing my milk.  Then there was all my pumping paraphernalia that had to be washed every 3 hours.  I had multiples of most of these items, so I only had to wash them all once a day.  Thus I say a thousand little pieces, I mean a thousand little pieces with every syringe and bottle having 2-3 parts.  But I had a routine down and everything was going fairly smoothly with all that.  This is what went through my mind as I washed my few plates and silverware pieces yesterday.  I was *almost* missing all the washing just because it meant that Cayla was here.  But in reality, I don't miss the craziness.  I miss Cayla.  But God's been so faithful.

I had a rough few weeks around the last days of April and couple of weeks into May where I was fighting depression.  I was trying to stay busy, but just wearing myself out.  Mother's Day was very busy with revival services that day and the following week with Mark Rogers.  It was actually a huge blessing and help for me to refocus and know that it's okay to not think about Cayla 24/7.  I'm not going to forget her and maybe I felt that I would if I wasn't thinking about her.  I don't know, I don't like to over-analyze myself.

The week before Mother's Day was a week I cried more than I had the last two months.  I had some stress in my life.  The Prayer Breakfast put on by the Concerts of Prayer board that I'm on, was having Sandi Patty as our speaker that Friday.  There was just a lot of work going into that to make it happen smoothly which was stressing me out a bit.  And I must add it went off perfectly that morning despite all the glitches we had to work through!  God helped us all through that.  I was still tutoring every morning that week.  Samuel had to be completely done with all his work by early the next week and I was stressing some over that getting done well.  And he got it all done and ended up with A's and B's and one C.  He's graduating next Saturday!   Plus that week I was thinking about my mom and Cayla.  You know Mother's Day is just going to be one of those emotional holidays for me.  So I'll be prepared next year.

The depression is lifting as I'm getting back into God's Word and remembering that we are all going to go through difficult times in life.  I can't hold onto this as a crutch that will hold me back.  Cayla is in heaven and as long as I keep my focus on Him, I'm okay.  It's such a simple thing, but it's not.  It is, and it isn't.  You know what I mean.  Right?   I don't want to be one of those people that never moves on after tragedy.  It's changed me, but I am still here and ready to be used by God for the rest of the days he gives me.  I miss my baby girl so much, but am ready to see what God has next for me.  Samuel's done with high school, and I'm done homeschooling, so a whole new chapter is starting for me.  We will see.

I know I've been talking a lot here, but I have to share the conversation I had with my friend Julie.  I've tutored her son for Kindergarten and her in a little algebra.  Wonderful people who'd do anything for you.  I usually end up staying after I tutor, and  we talk about all that's going on in schools today, her nursing job, or whatever, and recently we talked about Cayla.  She started asking questions about it all, and I love talking about her.  As I was going through the basic things that happened in her little life, she sat and intently listened, asked a few pointed questions and then said something that I'd not heard.  Coming from a person in the medical field who had nothing to do with all this as it was happening, but to give an opinion from an "outside" viewpoint was very helpful.  She basically said Cayla could have very easily been septic from the beginning and was definitely septic much longer than just the day she died.   Cayla had no muscle at her anus to hold her bowel movements in because her anus was in the wrong place which stretched the piece that connected her bowel and anus.  Her bowel would build up most of the time until you lifted her to change her and then you'd get a big gush.  Sorry for the topic, but this is what killed her.  When she was born, she was covered in it and came out a mess.  She continued to have these episodes which Julie said could easily have been caused by her bowel backing up into her system from the beginning since it wasn't releasing properly.   Everyone was saying how fast the infection went through her the day she died, but I didn't catch it until a little while before she went into an unconscious state that morning.  Then she was gone in 4 hours.  We've been reliving that night and morning and the whole week over and over in our minds, both Lowell and I.  We can find many things to blame ourselves for that could have caused her death, but in reality, she had to have been septic a lot longer than that day. It had to be building up and backing up into her system for days.  When we took her back into the hospital a year ago this weekend, they put her on antibiotics and her body settled down, but they ran test after test to find the source of the infection and never were able to. Well, I'd say it was her bowel, I guess.   The way Julie explained what she thinks caused her death, whether it's true or not (only God knows), allowed me to let go of the wrong decisions I made the day she died.  It seems it was inevitable.  Even with the colostomy bag, she could so easily have had problems that would have led to her death.  And then when you add in her weakened immune system issue of not knowing how strong it was, it was a matter of time I suppose.  This thought does relieve some of the pressure I've put on myself over the past year.  I'm not blaming myself for her death, I really have given that to God a long time ago, but it doesn't mean I don't think and relive those moments and decisions.  I guess all this is just one more step forward to letting go of pain and blame and all that goes with it.  I am very grateful God has used Julie in my life, and am praying God can use me in her life as well.

Thanks for listening.  I've needed to write for a while, but haven't allowed myself the luxury to just sit and type when there's so much I need to be doing.  It feels good to get this all out there.  This is a long post and I still didn't even talk about her head stone for the cemetery.  We didn't know exactly when he laid the concrete foundations and missed it by a day.  He won't be doing that again until September or October, so I guess we will have to wait.  Plus we want to focus on Samuel right now anyways, and we need to save a little more money.  But a huge praise about that, another financial blessing! Friends from many years ago, have so wonderfully blessed us with money to put towards her grave marker!  Thank you so, so much.  We were going to put a simple little, slanted marker there since they're the most inexpensive, but Lowell's cousin Jodi from Baumgardners Funeral Home, who did Cayla's funeral, showed us one she had on hand that's a heart with a lamb on it.  It's made of pink granite.  Once I saw this, it was hard to go back to a little marker.  She did mark the price down some which is another blessing.  We will see.  It's going to be $2 to 300 more, but now we have more time to save up.  Apparently we're in no hurry to get this headstone up.

I could add some pictures... maybe I will.  Since I talked about her first moments in this world, here's a picture I haven't put out where she's covered in quite a mess.  The second one is where we kind of chuckled at the picture of her behind kind of hanging like that, but had no idea why or that it was more of a problem than we would ever realize.

Here's what's on the background of my computer desktop right now.  It's how I remember her.

I guess I'll also add a picture of the stone Jodi has that we will probably get.  

Thanks for all the love and prayers!  

A Year Later

It's been a year now since we had our precious Cayla Joy.  When a milestone like a 1st birthday of a baby in heaven approaches, there's no telling how each person will face it or handle it.  I was obviously not anticipating celebrating this day, but still very unsure how it would effect me and my family.  Without saying much, many have just been giving extra hugs, cards, notes, verses, and other tangible evidence of their love and support over the last week or so. Plus, many have quietly prayed for us and for God to give us His perfect comfort through this time, and He has.  I think many have tried not to talk about it to be sensitive to where we're at.  Problem is, I don't know where I'm at.  I thought I'd be weepy and who knows what, but I was wrong.  Then I thought, well, maybe I'm just repressing my emotions (not something I'm known for), or in denial somehow (not usually me either).  But, no.  I think I'm just simply loving the memories of a year ago, wishing to be back there in the midst of all the excitement and wonder of having another baby after so many years.  I have been reliving it all, and the memories that are coming to me are the feelings of how my world (as my life was at the time) came to a screeching halt when I had Cayla.  Whether I wanted to or not, my focus became little Miss Cayla Joy.  Okay, now I'm crying just typing this out.

That day a year ago was one of the highlights of my life.  I never thought we'd ever get the privilege to have another baby, but God gave Cayla Joy to us.  That in itself is enough to blow me away in it's magnitude.  There is nothing that quite compares to having a baby.  It's in a category all by itself.  It's one of life's most incredible moments.  September 20, 1995 and April 24, 2012, will always be up near the top of the list of my life's most amazing days.  I was so excited, so looking forward to actually holding her and touching her to make it all real.

I could go on, but it will probably make me cry again, and you get the point.  This time last year was something I'd love to remember over again, and brings thoughts and feelings that I really can't even describe. I even feel at times that I'd love to go back to Cleveland Clinic just to see, smell and feel it all again.  Out of the 60 days she lived, 35 were at the hospital.  So, as I relive this week from last year, it's all good.  I've laughed, smiled, dreamed, and I felt very blessed for being given such a precious gift.

I'm not grieving like I thought I would.  As we were going through pictures of those first couple of days, we were looking at things we didn't notice before and were telling stories and memories.  There's tears, but more smiles.  I'm thinking that June 22nd might be a different story, but only time will tell.

I do want to thank everyone who's praying for us.  I give God the glory for making this week a good one when by all estimations, it shouldn't be.  God is faithful in keeping His promises.  There's just no getting around it.  God's as real and a part of our lives as the nose is on my face.  He really did give her to us for His purposes, and if that means that many of us were made to think about where we stand with God and what we're doing with our lives, then I pray her life was worth it.

Yesterday morning, April 24th, I opened my Bible and did the "open and point your finger" thing.  I found myself in I Corinthians 15. My eye was drawn to some verses I'd underlined.  Verses 14-18 were right what God had for me to read.  We celebrated Jesus' resurrection a few weeks ago on Easter.  If He had not risen from the dead, then the entire Bible, God, preaching about it and our faith is all in vain.  Verses 17 and 18 say,

"And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins,

Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished."

If Jesus hadn't rose again, I'd have no hope of seeing Cayla again.  Through David's example with his baby that died, these little ones that are not old enough to understand, are His and with Him in Heaven.  This verse says that if Jesus' resurrection isn't real, none of us can go to Heaven when we die, and we will all perish and spend eternity in hell, a lake of fire.  BUT, Jesus DID rise from the dead and we DO have His promise that those who've put their faith in Him and believe, "asleep" or alive, will NOT perish but be in Heaven with Him.  I don't know I'll see Cayla again because I hope I will or think I will because that's what I want to have happen.  I know I'll see Cayla again because Jesus Christ rose from the dead and everything He says in His Word, the Bible, is 100% true.  That, is what Jesus gave me yesterday morning!  Isn't that just awesome?!  

After I called Samuel in and we read through I Corinthians 15:1-18 together and talked about sharing our faith as it's laid out in verses 3 and 4 and then going on to the power in Jesus Christ's resurrection, we were ready for the day.  I have mentioned before that Cayla was born on Mrs. Emery's birthday (our Pastor's wife).  They were unable to have children, and when we realized that these 2 would share a birthday, I thought that was pretty special.  I was thinking about this last weekend and didn't want Mrs. Emery's birthday to have a negative feeling associated with it.  So, I thought I should have her over for lunch that day.  Then I thought I can't hog her all to myself, so I thought I'd give her a surprise party that morning at my house.  It was the perfect thing to do, and as I look back, I feel that God put this thought in my head to do this.  For one, I got to plan a birthday party, even if it wasn't Cayla's.  I quietly told whoever I saw Sunday (sorry if I missed someone, but I couldn't announce it and this was kind of last minute).  There were 13 of us here and yes, we did manage to surprise her. Yay!  It was such a beautiful time of fellowship and just what I needed with such sweet people loving me in so many ways.  I am a blessed woman!  I didn't have the time to write yesterday, so I put as my status on facebook that I was feeling loved.  

After everyone left around 2, my sister and I talked for almost an hour and a half.  I haven't had such a wonderful, uplifting, talk with her that was that long in a while.  I think we both needed it.  I love you Kathy!!!  Then I fell asleep on the couch for about an hour before getting ready to pick up Lowell from work.  My brother John called me the night before, and I had a really good talk with him and then I got to talk to his wife Lisa last night too!  Jim and Marla called me while we were at the cemetery and I'll catch her tomorrow.  I love my family.  All of them on my side and Lowell's.  They have been there with us through all of this, and I know we wouldn't be where we are without all their support and love!  

Yesterday, when we went to pick up Lowell, it was raining when we left the house, sleeting by the time we picked him up, and a yucky, muddy mess with umbrellas by the time we arrived at the cemetery.  Of course Tuesday was an absolutely gorgeous day when Lowell and I stopped by Kelly's Gardens to get some pansies for Cayla's graveside.  We did take the flowers and actually left them there.  Lowell' mom and sister Cathie came with Tyler and Sheylyn with their flowers too.  I'd like to say it was a beautiful little moment there, remembering our precious Cayla Joy, but with the weather and mud and all, it was hard to stop and think.  We almost sang Happy Birthday to her, but even that didn't seem to fit.  (Although I did hear that Cayla's cousins in Florida got together on their own and sang Happy Birthday to her.)  :o)  I guess we should have tried after all.  Oh well, it wasn't quite what we were hoping for, but we definitely will never forget this precious baby girl.   Some very dear friends sent us a gift card to Applebee's to let us know they were remembering Cayla with us (so blessed!).  So we went afterwards to dinner with Lowell's mom and had a really nice time talking and remembering and telling stories.  She was such a huge part of all that went on last year being there with us through it all.  Love you mom, so very, very much!  You will never know how much you and Joe mean to us.  I can't put it in words.  Just know you're loved so much!  

I suppose I need to wind down here.  It's now 11:20 pm and I'm definitely ready for bed.  Through all of this, I've realized that I forgot to order Samuel's graduation announcements.  I set them up and got them ready on Shutterfly, but then never finished and bought them.  They even make it so easy to do, I just was waiting for what, I don't know.  So hopefully they will get here soon and I can send them out.  He's graduating June 1st, which is just around the corner and then his open house is the following Saturday, June 8th.  So, I have much to do to keep me busy and out of trouble, I hope.  Between Samuel's graduation, some tutoring, and helping to organize the Ashtabula County Prayer Breakfast with Sandi Patty May 10th, I'll have lots to keep me from sitting around moping or feeling sorry for myself and all that good stuff.  

Thanks for all the love, prayers, encouragement, hugs, and cards!  We truly are blessed by all of you and by our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ!  We could do nothing with out Him!  I'll do a post later with some pictures.  Too tired to download them right now, but I'll close out with a sweet picture of Cayla and me exactly one year ago when she was a day old.  Missing and loving my sweet, precious girl!

March 2013 (don't know what else to call it...)

I start writing at times and then never publish it to my blog.  I guess I can go back and publish this from earlier in the month.  Looking at my calendar, this first part was a couple of weeks ago.  I started writing a little more some time later and I guess I'll finish it today, March 24th.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Well, I dropped Lowell off at work around 8:20 this morning and didn't have to be to my Bible study until 9:30.  Not being far from Jefferson, I decided to drive down to Lenox Cemetery.  It was around 30 degrees out, the ground was frozen and covered with frost and snow in places, yet I sat down there next to the wreath, cross, and little angel in front of Cayla's grave.  As I talked to God, the tears just started flowing.  I couldn't stop them.  I really didn't want to.  As I sat there loudly weeping, I had the fleeting thought that I was glad I was off the beaten path.  I'm not sure what set me off, but probably just the setting was enough to trigger the onslaught of tears.  I lost track of time, and without realizing it, found myself frozen there about 40 minutes later.  I thought it had been maybe 10 or 15 minutes, but the quiet, peaceful, reflective, and overwhelming setting allowed me the chance to just let it all out and pour my heart out to God.  Nothing held back.

It felt good to be there and talk to God about Cayla Joy.  A lot of back and forth, getting-things-off-my-chest kind of talk went on.  There's just a part of us finite human beings that so badly wants to understand an infinite God.  I wish I knew the mind of God.  I wish I understood all of this.  At times I wish I could have just had a healthy baby girl and was now just enjoying my little treasure of a baby girl.  God finally allowed me to have another baby, and this is where I start having pity parties with myself.   Once I start thinking of how so many people are blessed with  many children, and now 16 years later, I am blessed with a baby girl only to lose her, I can work myself up into a quite a crying spree in seconds.  But God.  He knows the beginning to the ending and sees the whole picture.  I know I go on about Cayla at times, but the discouraging thoughts usually are turned over to God and then I'm okay.  It's okay to ask why, as long as I accept and learn from any part of an answer I may get.  It is wrong when I let my unanswered whys cause me to sin though.

All this to say that I'm still here with human emotions.  God's still the same perfect and holy God.  I read this quote recently, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we've been given."  And I must say He's very good at His job!  I do understand how God has used Cayla's short life for His glory.  There is no question there, but I also understand that I miss my baby girl something awful.

March 24th
I seem to only post when I've been crying.  I guess if I'm doing okay and talking about Cayla without crying then what's there to write about?  ;o)

I recently gave some verses to my friend who's going through a very, very hard time.  Today, March 24th, I've been struggling through my emotions of missing Cayla being that she'd be 11 months old today.   Last night there were tears and today there are tears at times.  I'm good about being able to "keep busy" so I can't just sit and think about it.  A little bit ago, God brought those same verses to me, and I realized if they're good for her, they're probably good for me too.  So, I looked them up again today...

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
we are perplexed, but not in despair; 

Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"

2 Corinthians 4:8,9

"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish,

yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,

worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen:

for the things which are seen are temporal;
but the things which are not seen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe."

Proverbs 18:10

"I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord:  be of good courage,
and he shall strengthen thine heart:

wait, I say, on the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14

"Hast thou not known?  hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, 

the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? 

there is no searching of his understanding. 

He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

Had to share these.  There is so much to look forward to in eternity.  There is so much strength available for the here and now, no matter what I face.  I am not utilizing the power I have through Jesus Christ. I need to, so I can wait on Him.  Rest in Him.  Trust Him.  I will run to Him and be safe and strong, not weary or faint.  God knows just what I need.  Amazing how a time a prayer with Jesus will change a lot.  I will still cry at times and grieve the loss of my precious Cayla Joy, but that's not the end of the story which allows me pick myself back up and keep moving on.  

Thank you Jesus!

Some sweet pictures my brother John and sister-in-law Lisa took when they visited about 2 weeks before she died.  So precious!  Thank you Jesus for such a precious girl and time with her!  You can click on pictures to see them bigger.  :o)

Cayla's little grave marker and Hope

 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? 

Hope thou in God:  
for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."  

Psalm 42:11

Years ago I used to wonder how people could let themselves get so despondent to the point they were unable to get out of that deep pit of depression.  "Just get up and do something for someone else."  "Ask for help."  "Look around you at all the good there still is in life."  These are thoughts you just want them to think about and do.  It's not that hard...  Yeah.  Right.  I'd have to say my thoughts have changed a bit this past year.  I do admit it's hard to get out once you've let yourself go there, because as long as you stay there, you keep moving deeper into the pit.

I've been blessed being God's child, that even when I was working my way down into that pit, I always had a life line attached to me.  I've been in that pit, hung over the edge, hovered at the top, walked away from it, and went back to the edge many times this past year in my grieving process.  Thanks to Jesus, I've been able to get out and walk away from it.   Yes, I've had bouts of depression as I've grieved over Cayla, and even these past couple of days, I've just found myself missing her so much.  I cry wanting to hold her, kiss her and just love all over her again.  I can't help it.  I cried hearing the song Saturday, "Serenaded by Angels".  I've not been able to focus on the words I read in the Bible, or to pray and talk to God.  Then all of the sudden, I read a verse like Psalm 42:11 and my hope and peace are there replacing grieving and sadness.  I guess I need to remember to keep reading the Bible even when I don't want to or don't think I can.  God will speak to me and remind me of the hope I have in Him.

Tonight, Monday, I'm still just seeming to be on the verge of tears at any given moment, yet haven't cried.  I still feel that heaviness in my heart, but it's okay, because even though right now I can't seem to get it to go away, I'm still somehow at peace because I know God is there.  I know God is still working in me and holding me.  He will heal my countenance.  He is my God.  These feelings will come, but I know they won't stay. He will let me cry and comfort me.  He doesn't say He'll take all the pain away, just be there with me through it to ease it.  That's kind of where I'm at right now.  Well, now that I'm typing my thoughts out, it's making me cry.  Of course I'm laughing now too because I'm crying over my writing.  Crazy emotions and I'm not even hormonal... :o)

Who knew that our countenance could have health issues?  I love the part where He "is the health of my countenance".  He is my ability to smile, laugh, sing no matter what.  He heals the frowns, tears and crying.   I will praise Him.  Yes, I will praise Him!   The struggles will still be there, but so will my hope because of Him.

Yesterday, we all (Lowell, his mom, Samuel, and I) went to Cayla's grave.  We haven't had the money to put a headstone at her grave yet.  This summer we are planning on doing that.  Meanwhile, it's been bothering Lowell that there's nothing there saying who she was or even what her little precious name was.  So, Lowell went to Hobby Lobby, and he and Samuel bought a plain wood plaque, some plain wooden letters, stickers, spray paint and shellac.  He painted the letters and the background and asked me to put them on the plaque somehow and then he shellacked the whole thing.

We've kept the wreath up from her funeral and a while ago, put some fake red berries around it for the winter.  Well, Lowell was ready to put his plaque up for Cayla for the next couple of months.  So that's what we did yesterday after church.  It's just a sign telling all that our precious Cayla Joy's little body lies here.  It's sweet though, especially since Daddy did it with lots of love.  Once the weather clears up and spring decides to come, we'll do a little something more there, but until then, I just love our reminder of our precious Cayla Joy.  :o)   Lots of love!

Thoughts... Emotions...

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm realizing it's February 3rd.  This day last year was on a Friday and was our first visit with the specialist, Dr. Rajabi.  That was when we found out for the first time that Cayla had a problem with her heart.  This Sunday a year ago, I started my blog.  A lifetime has happened since then, yet in some ways, I remember sitting here in the same place trying to set this up and find just the right background for Cayla's blog.  I still love the roses and colors.  It's her.  Okay so it's her and me.  I love flowers and had visions of what my little girl's room would look like someday.  Of course with her input and permission to make it the way I pictured it...  ;o)  Oh well.  It's still fun to dream.

I'm trying to remember what it was like being pregnant.  So much joy and anticipation.  I just LOVED going to every OB visit because I got to see her every time.  It made it seem somewhat more real.  Even though I could feel her moving, it all was so hard to grasp at times.  I loved having my mother-in-law there too.  What sweet times all those drives out to Hillcrest were with her.  Thanks Mom!!

You know, I've seen a bunch of OB's and doctors in my life, even in the last month, but I have to say that Dr. Rajabi's quiet, listening, completely in tune attitude was so refreshing.  He was Cayla's doctor for 3 months and reminds me of an extremely special time in our lives.  During those months, he was our connection to Cayla and how she was doing.  I could tell he was about to tell me some bad news that day Samuel and I met him.  As I listened to all he was trying to explain about Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, he kept repeating info and terms slowly to let it all sink in.  I am just saying all this because this day a year ago, changed our lives. It was really a blessing from the Lord to not have a doctor that lines up all his patients in rooms and runs down the line spending 5 minutes with each one.  We could talk, listen, ask every possible question and get such clear, easy to understand answers.  I just forgot how that's not always the case.  Cayla was in good hands.  We were blessed.  Thanks again, Dr. Rajabi.

I still find myself wondering what my life would be like with Cayla here.  She'd be a little over 9 months old.  My mind wanders a lot.  I can't go there.  Ok, moving on to the next thought this afternoon....

I've had people tell me over these past months to be angry.  It's okay to be angry.  It's okay to be angry with God.   Let it all out.  I can honestly say that I have not had that emotion in regards to Cayla's death.  I would get angry with God about as much as I would shoot my foot off to get rid of an itch. (Not sure where that comparison came from, just the first thing that popped in my head... scary.)  It's true though.  Anger was not something I had to deal with, especially toward God.

Well, those of you that told me this, you'll be glad to know it happened.  I was angry.  I was angry at the loss of a dream for Samuel.  It was strange in a way, but while Cayla was alive, one of the many pictures I conjured up in my head was of Samuel pulling Cayla in a little red wagon.   I had tried at times to picture Samuel and Cayla together over the years ahead and what it would be like for Samuel to have this precious little sister.  I was so ecstatic for him to finally have a sister even if she was 16 and 1/2 years younger.  HE was so ecstatic to have a little sister.   Well, I saw a picture recently of a friend on facebook with her teenage son pulling a red wagon with his little sister in it.  Who'd of ever thought this would have had a profound impact on me, but I started crying before I consciously even realized what the picture was.  A chord was hit inside me and within a few seconds a flood of tears came.  It didn't help that the little girl I'd been seeing pictures of had beautiful red hair, kind of what I'd pictured Cayla's would be like.  I saw Samuel and Cayla  in that picture and realized the death of a dream.  The death of a dream for Samuel.  A little while later, I went upstairs feeling overwhelmed and said so to Lowell.  He told me I need to say "No." to all these things I'm volunteering for.  I told him it was Cayla.  He got up and put his arms around me, and I cried all over again.  Then, I started getting angry.  If he wouldn't have been holding me, I'd have put my fist through the wall, or at least attempted it.  I squeezed him instead.  I just pulled my hands up to the back of his shoulders and squeezed his arms so hard, yet he didn't even flinch.  He just told me to get it all out.  At one point I tried to get control and he told me to not stifle it just keep crying if I wanted to. I felt angry that Samuel never got to do much with his little sister.  The more I thought of all the dreams that were shattered for him, and I'm sure all of us even though he was on my mind, I got angrier and angrier.  I always said I never wanted Samuel to grow up an only child.  I know I don't have control over that.  I started thinking about him not even getting to spend a lot of time with her for the 8 weeks he did have her.  She was only home for 3 weeks and before that was weekends and a day here or there with her in the hospital.  Not very quality time.  We were really just getting to that stage of him getting to really enjoy her and not feel like he was going to break her every time he picked her up.  It was such a release to feel this and deal with it.  I still can say I wasn't angry at God, just angry.  It came and it went, but God conquered.  I am very thankful for Lowell.  He's not always sure what to do with me, but neither am I.  I haven't felt that strong emotion of anger again.  I think I must have cried and got it all out that night.  It's all part of the healing I think.  I just wanted to share this because I think some have felt that I've not been honest with myself saying that I've not been angry.  This truly was the first time I've felt that way.  It could happen again, I'm sure and maybe I'll write more then too.

Woah. It's now almost midnight  Just thinking of this again, makes me want to cry.  I did cry while typing most of the previous paragraph earlier today.  We have our struggles, but we get through them.  They reappear - we get through them again with God keeping our perspective right.  I know these next 6 months will be hard always thinking of what was going on a year ago... but we will get through each day one step at a time and thank God along the way for the precious gift He gave us in Cayla Joy.  Goodnight all.

My first pregnant picture taken in February of  2012.

   

Cayla's Little Shelf

"But I would ye should understand, brethren, that the things which happened unto me 

have fallen out rather unto the furtherance of the gospel;"

Philippians 1:12

It's a new year.  2013.  I look at 2012 and come up with the above verse.  That pretty much sums it up.  And in verse 14 of that chapter it says, "And many of the brethren in the Lord, waxing confident by my bonds, are much more bold to speak the word without fear."  God has strengthened us through Cayla's life and death and in the process has given strength and confidence to other believers to live and be more of a witness for Him.  

What this year will bring is such a mystery.  Although some things don't appear to be.  Samuel graduates June 1st.  Yay!  He's so excited.  He wants so badly to join the Air Force, but feels even more strongly that it would be best to wait a year and get a one-year Bible degree.  He's only 17.  He can wait a year to see where God might lead at a Bible College and if God still calls him to the Air Force, I'll be behind him 100%.  There's even a possibility that he will get to spend 2 weeks in October on a missions trip to Brazil.  We are looking forward to seeing how God leads in Samuel's life.  

Here's a picture from last week of Samuel and Sargent Brown.  

This year is sending me back to work at least part-time right now.  Last year I was just working a day and a half at Basic Ingredients, but she has closed the store, so we will see what's next. I'm looking into tutoring since there's such a great need for this and I feel like I could make a difference in some children's lives.  I honestly have no desire to go back into a classroom or retail.  I really am open to whatever God has though, but I'm kind of hoping the tutoring works out.  We'll see. 

One of the shelves in our living room is our "Cayla shelf".  It just has some mementos of her life there where we can remember her and a have a few of her little things.  The shelf has her "box".  It's actually a jewelry box with the jewelry shelf removed.  It's covered in mirrors with a flat front side that's 5"x7".  So I tacked on a photo of her on the front and set a dried rose from her funeral on top.  There's also the angel holding a baby figurine that was in the flowers from Lowell's coworkers at Ken Forging.  The crystal bowl with the 8 dried roses from my Dad and Pat is on there too.  Then there's the yellow butterfly clip from Grandma and Grandpa Joe's flowers.  And then the memory candle with Cayla's picture and a saying on it from Baumgardner's Funeral Home, Lowell's cousin Jodi.   

Inside her little memory box are some Cayla things.  

I put one of her casts in there.  She was actually still wearing her last one when she died.  It was to come off July 3rd.  She'd already been fitted for shoes with braces to get at that next appointment.  We almost didn't take this cast thinking we'd just keep her last one when they took it off, but at the last minute decided to take it and grabbed it off the top of the trash can where Dr. Gurd set it.  It's in two pieces, so I wrapped her soft, velcro, hospital ID tag around the ankle to keep it together.  The casts were a big part of her life.  She had her first cast on at 3 weeks old and had it replaced each week for the next 5 weeks to straighten her club foot.  This first picture was her 1st visit to see Dr. Gurd, and her 1st cast... the before picture.

Then this picture is before she had her last cast put on.  Her foot was straightening out pretty good.  Her little foot and leg got to breathe a few minutes each week when they'd take the current cast off and let me take her up to 12th floor to have her weighed cast-free for an accurate weight.  Only to have to go back down and have another put back on.  This is also a picture of her little sock she always wore on her right foot.  I thought I kept the socks to put in her box since she always had one on, but  didn't find them.  Anyways, her last cast that was removed, we kept and have in her little keepsake box... this is her "after" picture.

There's also her pink stethoscope that the hospital gave me that was used every three hours to check the placement of her feeding tube that was in her nose before feeding her.  It was a pretty big piece of life with Cayla Joy, let me tell you.  Every time I fed her or gave her medicine, her tube had to be checked.  We had to take a small syringe, pull up some air in it and attach it to her NG (feeding) tube.  Then I had to put the stethoscope on and place the end over her stomach and listen.  Then I pumped the air into her stomach.  If I heard the "pop" sound, that meant I heard the air pop as it entered her stomach and all was well and ready to go.  If not, I either wasn't listening at the right spot on her belly or the tube had become dislodged and needed to be replaced.  Thankfully, every time I went to feed her, it was always there in its place although some times I had to check a couple of times before I heard the pop sound.  We also had to use the stethoscope when a new NG tube was being placed to make sure it made it into her tummy.  She pulled her tube out twice during the the 3 weeks she was home, but Lowell and I handled it like pros... they trained me well.   The 2nd time she pulled it out was during her 1am feeding.  So before we put the new one back in, Lowell grabbed the camera and took one of the few pictures we have of her without the NG tube.  Now to see if I can find it in all the pictures...  Yes, there's the sleeping beauty...  I had laid her on my bed to change her, turned around to grab a diaper and that's all the time she needed to get her little finger under that tube and yank it completely out.  She looks so innocent though...

Let's see, her salvaged hand cuff is in there.  :o)  Poor thing, having to be handcuffed even if it was with soft spongy stuff and hospital scissors...  I have to say, the NICU was so much better at controlling things like that.  They had these nifty little wrappers that kept their legs and arms propped up and came with little straps to keep little hands away from tubes and stuff (there's a picture below of her in one of them).  Although she was in one of those when in less than 10 seconds almost pulled her entire BREATHING tube out, not the little NG tube, and it took me 2 hands to pry her one hand off of it... But overall, I liked how the NICU handled her compared to the PICU.  I do wish they would take some advice on newborns from the pros in the NICU, but apparently there's a little competitive spirit between the two units... The next picture shows her little hand cuffs.  I did manage to find one laying on top of the trash one day and grabbed it for the memory... thus it made it into her box.  Ahhh... miss those precious kisses.

Wow, I'm going on and on here... her little green pacifier is in the box.  It's the only kind she'd take.  The hospital had little squeeze tubes of sugar water to squirt on it when she wouldn't stop fussing or needed to keep her still while sticking her with needles or something way too common like that.  I could've used some of those at home...

Let's see.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I stopped in at the little baby store in Jefferson and found the most precious outfit with matching shoes for $5.  I can't find the outfit (must have ended up with the stuff I gave away), just the shoes, so I put them in there.  They had little embroidered roses on the smocking.  That was the weirdest feeling... shopping for baby clothes.  For my baby.  I cried.  It was such a surreal experience that day.  I will never forget it.   I also put in one of her onesies since that is pretty much all she wore day in and day out.  :o)

The giraffe.  Lowell's giraffe.  He loves to show his love with gifts.  As Cayla was getting ready to leave the hospital, he wanted to get her something and found this perfect little giraffe, so soft and so cute.  I gave him a hard time when he was "presenting" it to her and she couldn't keep her eyes open and was not interested at all.  Thus the following picture.  

And lastly in this box is a bottle and a syringe.  Feeding our precious Cayla Joy.  I pumped gladly to provide the best milk for my baby girl.  She did nurse a little here and there, but it wore her out too much.  Even feeding from a bottle wore her out too much, thus the feeding tube.  But the bottle and syringe both evoke a strong memory to me of Cayla.


Well, I have gone on and on here tonight, so I will end here for now, but have enjoyed walking back through my life with Cayla tonight.  This afternoon I found myself rereading all the blog entries from June and July.  I cried, but it was ok.  So much I could write here, but sometimes there are things I just keep to myself.  Oh well, looking forward to 2013 and all that God will do in our lives this year.  Love to all!