A Year Later

It's been a year now since we had our precious Cayla Joy.  When a milestone like a 1st birthday of a baby in heaven approaches, there's no telling how each person will face it or handle it.  I was obviously not anticipating celebrating this day, but still very unsure how it would effect me and my family.  Without saying much, many have just been giving extra hugs, cards, notes, verses, and other tangible evidence of their love and support over the last week or so. Plus, many have quietly prayed for us and for God to give us His perfect comfort through this time, and He has.  I think many have tried not to talk about it to be sensitive to where we're at.  Problem is, I don't know where I'm at.  I thought I'd be weepy and who knows what, but I was wrong.  Then I thought, well, maybe I'm just repressing my emotions (not something I'm known for), or in denial somehow (not usually me either).  But, no.  I think I'm just simply loving the memories of a year ago, wishing to be back there in the midst of all the excitement and wonder of having another baby after so many years.  I have been reliving it all, and the memories that are coming to me are the feelings of how my world (as my life was at the time) came to a screeching halt when I had Cayla.  Whether I wanted to or not, my focus became little Miss Cayla Joy.  Okay, now I'm crying just typing this out.

That day a year ago was one of the highlights of my life.  I never thought we'd ever get the privilege to have another baby, but God gave Cayla Joy to us.  That in itself is enough to blow me away in it's magnitude.  There is nothing that quite compares to having a baby.  It's in a category all by itself.  It's one of life's most incredible moments.  September 20, 1995 and April 24, 2012, will always be up near the top of the list of my life's most amazing days.  I was so excited, so looking forward to actually holding her and touching her to make it all real.

I could go on, but it will probably make me cry again, and you get the point.  This time last year was something I'd love to remember over again, and brings thoughts and feelings that I really can't even describe. I even feel at times that I'd love to go back to Cleveland Clinic just to see, smell and feel it all again.  Out of the 60 days she lived, 35 were at the hospital.  So, as I relive this week from last year, it's all good.  I've laughed, smiled, dreamed, and I felt very blessed for being given such a precious gift.

I'm not grieving like I thought I would.  As we were going through pictures of those first couple of days, we were looking at things we didn't notice before and were telling stories and memories.  There's tears, but more smiles.  I'm thinking that June 22nd might be a different story, but only time will tell.

I do want to thank everyone who's praying for us.  I give God the glory for making this week a good one when by all estimations, it shouldn't be.  God is faithful in keeping His promises.  There's just no getting around it.  God's as real and a part of our lives as the nose is on my face.  He really did give her to us for His purposes, and if that means that many of us were made to think about where we stand with God and what we're doing with our lives, then I pray her life was worth it.

Yesterday morning, April 24th, I opened my Bible and did the "open and point your finger" thing.  I found myself in I Corinthians 15. My eye was drawn to some verses I'd underlined.  Verses 14-18 were right what God had for me to read.  We celebrated Jesus' resurrection a few weeks ago on Easter.  If He had not risen from the dead, then the entire Bible, God, preaching about it and our faith is all in vain.  Verses 17 and 18 say,

"And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins,

Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished."

If Jesus hadn't rose again, I'd have no hope of seeing Cayla again.  Through David's example with his baby that died, these little ones that are not old enough to understand, are His and with Him in Heaven.  This verse says that if Jesus' resurrection isn't real, none of us can go to Heaven when we die, and we will all perish and spend eternity in hell, a lake of fire.  BUT, Jesus DID rise from the dead and we DO have His promise that those who've put their faith in Him and believe, "asleep" or alive, will NOT perish but be in Heaven with Him.  I don't know I'll see Cayla again because I hope I will or think I will because that's what I want to have happen.  I know I'll see Cayla again because Jesus Christ rose from the dead and everything He says in His Word, the Bible, is 100% true.  That, is what Jesus gave me yesterday morning!  Isn't that just awesome?!  

After I called Samuel in and we read through I Corinthians 15:1-18 together and talked about sharing our faith as it's laid out in verses 3 and 4 and then going on to the power in Jesus Christ's resurrection, we were ready for the day.  I have mentioned before that Cayla was born on Mrs. Emery's birthday (our Pastor's wife).  They were unable to have children, and when we realized that these 2 would share a birthday, I thought that was pretty special.  I was thinking about this last weekend and didn't want Mrs. Emery's birthday to have a negative feeling associated with it.  So, I thought I should have her over for lunch that day.  Then I thought I can't hog her all to myself, so I thought I'd give her a surprise party that morning at my house.  It was the perfect thing to do, and as I look back, I feel that God put this thought in my head to do this.  For one, I got to plan a birthday party, even if it wasn't Cayla's.  I quietly told whoever I saw Sunday (sorry if I missed someone, but I couldn't announce it and this was kind of last minute).  There were 13 of us here and yes, we did manage to surprise her. Yay!  It was such a beautiful time of fellowship and just what I needed with such sweet people loving me in so many ways.  I am a blessed woman!  I didn't have the time to write yesterday, so I put as my status on facebook that I was feeling loved.  

After everyone left around 2, my sister and I talked for almost an hour and a half.  I haven't had such a wonderful, uplifting, talk with her that was that long in a while.  I think we both needed it.  I love you Kathy!!!  Then I fell asleep on the couch for about an hour before getting ready to pick up Lowell from work.  My brother John called me the night before, and I had a really good talk with him and then I got to talk to his wife Lisa last night too!  Jim and Marla called me while we were at the cemetery and I'll catch her tomorrow.  I love my family.  All of them on my side and Lowell's.  They have been there with us through all of this, and I know we wouldn't be where we are without all their support and love!  

Yesterday, when we went to pick up Lowell, it was raining when we left the house, sleeting by the time we picked him up, and a yucky, muddy mess with umbrellas by the time we arrived at the cemetery.  Of course Tuesday was an absolutely gorgeous day when Lowell and I stopped by Kelly's Gardens to get some pansies for Cayla's graveside.  We did take the flowers and actually left them there.  Lowell' mom and sister Cathie came with Tyler and Sheylyn with their flowers too.  I'd like to say it was a beautiful little moment there, remembering our precious Cayla Joy, but with the weather and mud and all, it was hard to stop and think.  We almost sang Happy Birthday to her, but even that didn't seem to fit.  (Although I did hear that Cayla's cousins in Florida got together on their own and sang Happy Birthday to her.)  :o)  I guess we should have tried after all.  Oh well, it wasn't quite what we were hoping for, but we definitely will never forget this precious baby girl.   Some very dear friends sent us a gift card to Applebee's to let us know they were remembering Cayla with us (so blessed!).  So we went afterwards to dinner with Lowell's mom and had a really nice time talking and remembering and telling stories.  She was such a huge part of all that went on last year being there with us through it all.  Love you mom, so very, very much!  You will never know how much you and Joe mean to us.  I can't put it in words.  Just know you're loved so much!  

I suppose I need to wind down here.  It's now 11:20 pm and I'm definitely ready for bed.  Through all of this, I've realized that I forgot to order Samuel's graduation announcements.  I set them up and got them ready on Shutterfly, but then never finished and bought them.  They even make it so easy to do, I just was waiting for what, I don't know.  So hopefully they will get here soon and I can send them out.  He's graduating June 1st, which is just around the corner and then his open house is the following Saturday, June 8th.  So, I have much to do to keep me busy and out of trouble, I hope.  Between Samuel's graduation, some tutoring, and helping to organize the Ashtabula County Prayer Breakfast with Sandi Patty May 10th, I'll have lots to keep me from sitting around moping or feeling sorry for myself and all that good stuff.  

Thanks for all the love, prayers, encouragement, hugs, and cards!  We truly are blessed by all of you and by our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ!  We could do nothing with out Him!  I'll do a post later with some pictures.  Too tired to download them right now, but I'll close out with a sweet picture of Cayla and me exactly one year ago when she was a day old.  Missing and loving my sweet, precious girl!

March 2013 (don't know what else to call it...)

I start writing at times and then never publish it to my blog.  I guess I can go back and publish this from earlier in the month.  Looking at my calendar, this first part was a couple of weeks ago.  I started writing a little more some time later and I guess I'll finish it today, March 24th.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Well, I dropped Lowell off at work around 8:20 this morning and didn't have to be to my Bible study until 9:30.  Not being far from Jefferson, I decided to drive down to Lenox Cemetery.  It was around 30 degrees out, the ground was frozen and covered with frost and snow in places, yet I sat down there next to the wreath, cross, and little angel in front of Cayla's grave.  As I talked to God, the tears just started flowing.  I couldn't stop them.  I really didn't want to.  As I sat there loudly weeping, I had the fleeting thought that I was glad I was off the beaten path.  I'm not sure what set me off, but probably just the setting was enough to trigger the onslaught of tears.  I lost track of time, and without realizing it, found myself frozen there about 40 minutes later.  I thought it had been maybe 10 or 15 minutes, but the quiet, peaceful, reflective, and overwhelming setting allowed me the chance to just let it all out and pour my heart out to God.  Nothing held back.

It felt good to be there and talk to God about Cayla Joy.  A lot of back and forth, getting-things-off-my-chest kind of talk went on.  There's just a part of us finite human beings that so badly wants to understand an infinite God.  I wish I knew the mind of God.  I wish I understood all of this.  At times I wish I could have just had a healthy baby girl and was now just enjoying my little treasure of a baby girl.  God finally allowed me to have another baby, and this is where I start having pity parties with myself.   Once I start thinking of how so many people are blessed with  many children, and now 16 years later, I am blessed with a baby girl only to lose her, I can work myself up into a quite a crying spree in seconds.  But God.  He knows the beginning to the ending and sees the whole picture.  I know I go on about Cayla at times, but the discouraging thoughts usually are turned over to God and then I'm okay.  It's okay to ask why, as long as I accept and learn from any part of an answer I may get.  It is wrong when I let my unanswered whys cause me to sin though.

All this to say that I'm still here with human emotions.  God's still the same perfect and holy God.  I read this quote recently, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we've been given."  And I must say He's very good at His job!  I do understand how God has used Cayla's short life for His glory.  There is no question there, but I also understand that I miss my baby girl something awful.

March 24th
I seem to only post when I've been crying.  I guess if I'm doing okay and talking about Cayla without crying then what's there to write about?  ;o)

I recently gave some verses to my friend who's going through a very, very hard time.  Today, March 24th, I've been struggling through my emotions of missing Cayla being that she'd be 11 months old today.   Last night there were tears and today there are tears at times.  I'm good about being able to "keep busy" so I can't just sit and think about it.  A little bit ago, God brought those same verses to me, and I realized if they're good for her, they're probably good for me too.  So, I looked them up again today...

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
we are perplexed, but not in despair; 

Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"

2 Corinthians 4:8,9

"For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish,

yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,

worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen:

for the things which are seen are temporal;
but the things which are not seen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe."

Proverbs 18:10

"I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord:  be of good courage,
and he shall strengthen thine heart:

wait, I say, on the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14

"Hast thou not known?  hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, 

the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? 

there is no searching of his understanding. 

He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

Had to share these.  There is so much to look forward to in eternity.  There is so much strength available for the here and now, no matter what I face.  I am not utilizing the power I have through Jesus Christ. I need to, so I can wait on Him.  Rest in Him.  Trust Him.  I will run to Him and be safe and strong, not weary or faint.  God knows just what I need.  Amazing how a time a prayer with Jesus will change a lot.  I will still cry at times and grieve the loss of my precious Cayla Joy, but that's not the end of the story which allows me pick myself back up and keep moving on.  

Thank you Jesus!

Some sweet pictures my brother John and sister-in-law Lisa took when they visited about 2 weeks before she died.  So precious!  Thank you Jesus for such a precious girl and time with her!  You can click on pictures to see them bigger.  :o)

Cayla's little grave marker and Hope

 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? 

Hope thou in God:  
for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."  

Psalm 42:11

Years ago I used to wonder how people could let themselves get so despondent to the point they were unable to get out of that deep pit of depression.  "Just get up and do something for someone else."  "Ask for help."  "Look around you at all the good there still is in life."  These are thoughts you just want them to think about and do.  It's not that hard...  Yeah.  Right.  I'd have to say my thoughts have changed a bit this past year.  I do admit it's hard to get out once you've let yourself go there, because as long as you stay there, you keep moving deeper into the pit.

I've been blessed being God's child, that even when I was working my way down into that pit, I always had a life line attached to me.  I've been in that pit, hung over the edge, hovered at the top, walked away from it, and went back to the edge many times this past year in my grieving process.  Thanks to Jesus, I've been able to get out and walk away from it.   Yes, I've had bouts of depression as I've grieved over Cayla, and even these past couple of days, I've just found myself missing her so much.  I cry wanting to hold her, kiss her and just love all over her again.  I can't help it.  I cried hearing the song Saturday, "Serenaded by Angels".  I've not been able to focus on the words I read in the Bible, or to pray and talk to God.  Then all of the sudden, I read a verse like Psalm 42:11 and my hope and peace are there replacing grieving and sadness.  I guess I need to remember to keep reading the Bible even when I don't want to or don't think I can.  God will speak to me and remind me of the hope I have in Him.

Tonight, Monday, I'm still just seeming to be on the verge of tears at any given moment, yet haven't cried.  I still feel that heaviness in my heart, but it's okay, because even though right now I can't seem to get it to go away, I'm still somehow at peace because I know God is there.  I know God is still working in me and holding me.  He will heal my countenance.  He is my God.  These feelings will come, but I know they won't stay. He will let me cry and comfort me.  He doesn't say He'll take all the pain away, just be there with me through it to ease it.  That's kind of where I'm at right now.  Well, now that I'm typing my thoughts out, it's making me cry.  Of course I'm laughing now too because I'm crying over my writing.  Crazy emotions and I'm not even hormonal... :o)

Who knew that our countenance could have health issues?  I love the part where He "is the health of my countenance".  He is my ability to smile, laugh, sing no matter what.  He heals the frowns, tears and crying.   I will praise Him.  Yes, I will praise Him!   The struggles will still be there, but so will my hope because of Him.

Yesterday, we all (Lowell, his mom, Samuel, and I) went to Cayla's grave.  We haven't had the money to put a headstone at her grave yet.  This summer we are planning on doing that.  Meanwhile, it's been bothering Lowell that there's nothing there saying who she was or even what her little precious name was.  So, Lowell went to Hobby Lobby, and he and Samuel bought a plain wood plaque, some plain wooden letters, stickers, spray paint and shellac.  He painted the letters and the background and asked me to put them on the plaque somehow and then he shellacked the whole thing.

We've kept the wreath up from her funeral and a while ago, put some fake red berries around it for the winter.  Well, Lowell was ready to put his plaque up for Cayla for the next couple of months.  So that's what we did yesterday after church.  It's just a sign telling all that our precious Cayla Joy's little body lies here.  It's sweet though, especially since Daddy did it with lots of love.  Once the weather clears up and spring decides to come, we'll do a little something more there, but until then, I just love our reminder of our precious Cayla Joy.  :o)   Lots of love!

Thoughts... Emotions...

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm realizing it's February 3rd.  This day last year was on a Friday and was our first visit with the specialist, Dr. Rajabi.  That was when we found out for the first time that Cayla had a problem with her heart.  This Sunday a year ago, I started my blog.  A lifetime has happened since then, yet in some ways, I remember sitting here in the same place trying to set this up and find just the right background for Cayla's blog.  I still love the roses and colors.  It's her.  Okay so it's her and me.  I love flowers and had visions of what my little girl's room would look like someday.  Of course with her input and permission to make it the way I pictured it...  ;o)  Oh well.  It's still fun to dream.

I'm trying to remember what it was like being pregnant.  So much joy and anticipation.  I just LOVED going to every OB visit because I got to see her every time.  It made it seem somewhat more real.  Even though I could feel her moving, it all was so hard to grasp at times.  I loved having my mother-in-law there too.  What sweet times all those drives out to Hillcrest were with her.  Thanks Mom!!

You know, I've seen a bunch of OB's and doctors in my life, even in the last month, but I have to say that Dr. Rajabi's quiet, listening, completely in tune attitude was so refreshing.  He was Cayla's doctor for 3 months and reminds me of an extremely special time in our lives.  During those months, he was our connection to Cayla and how she was doing.  I could tell he was about to tell me some bad news that day Samuel and I met him.  As I listened to all he was trying to explain about Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, he kept repeating info and terms slowly to let it all sink in.  I am just saying all this because this day a year ago, changed our lives. It was really a blessing from the Lord to not have a doctor that lines up all his patients in rooms and runs down the line spending 5 minutes with each one.  We could talk, listen, ask every possible question and get such clear, easy to understand answers.  I just forgot how that's not always the case.  Cayla was in good hands.  We were blessed.  Thanks again, Dr. Rajabi.

I still find myself wondering what my life would be like with Cayla here.  She'd be a little over 9 months old.  My mind wanders a lot.  I can't go there.  Ok, moving on to the next thought this afternoon....

I've had people tell me over these past months to be angry.  It's okay to be angry.  It's okay to be angry with God.   Let it all out.  I can honestly say that I have not had that emotion in regards to Cayla's death.  I would get angry with God about as much as I would shoot my foot off to get rid of an itch. (Not sure where that comparison came from, just the first thing that popped in my head... scary.)  It's true though.  Anger was not something I had to deal with, especially toward God.

Well, those of you that told me this, you'll be glad to know it happened.  I was angry.  I was angry at the loss of a dream for Samuel.  It was strange in a way, but while Cayla was alive, one of the many pictures I conjured up in my head was of Samuel pulling Cayla in a little red wagon.   I had tried at times to picture Samuel and Cayla together over the years ahead and what it would be like for Samuel to have this precious little sister.  I was so ecstatic for him to finally have a sister even if she was 16 and 1/2 years younger.  HE was so ecstatic to have a little sister.   Well, I saw a picture recently of a friend on facebook with her teenage son pulling a red wagon with his little sister in it.  Who'd of ever thought this would have had a profound impact on me, but I started crying before I consciously even realized what the picture was.  A chord was hit inside me and within a few seconds a flood of tears came.  It didn't help that the little girl I'd been seeing pictures of had beautiful red hair, kind of what I'd pictured Cayla's would be like.  I saw Samuel and Cayla  in that picture and realized the death of a dream.  The death of a dream for Samuel.  A little while later, I went upstairs feeling overwhelmed and said so to Lowell.  He told me I need to say "No." to all these things I'm volunteering for.  I told him it was Cayla.  He got up and put his arms around me, and I cried all over again.  Then, I started getting angry.  If he wouldn't have been holding me, I'd have put my fist through the wall, or at least attempted it.  I squeezed him instead.  I just pulled my hands up to the back of his shoulders and squeezed his arms so hard, yet he didn't even flinch.  He just told me to get it all out.  At one point I tried to get control and he told me to not stifle it just keep crying if I wanted to. I felt angry that Samuel never got to do much with his little sister.  The more I thought of all the dreams that were shattered for him, and I'm sure all of us even though he was on my mind, I got angrier and angrier.  I always said I never wanted Samuel to grow up an only child.  I know I don't have control over that.  I started thinking about him not even getting to spend a lot of time with her for the 8 weeks he did have her.  She was only home for 3 weeks and before that was weekends and a day here or there with her in the hospital.  Not very quality time.  We were really just getting to that stage of him getting to really enjoy her and not feel like he was going to break her every time he picked her up.  It was such a release to feel this and deal with it.  I still can say I wasn't angry at God, just angry.  It came and it went, but God conquered.  I am very thankful for Lowell.  He's not always sure what to do with me, but neither am I.  I haven't felt that strong emotion of anger again.  I think I must have cried and got it all out that night.  It's all part of the healing I think.  I just wanted to share this because I think some have felt that I've not been honest with myself saying that I've not been angry.  This truly was the first time I've felt that way.  It could happen again, I'm sure and maybe I'll write more then too.

Woah. It's now almost midnight  Just thinking of this again, makes me want to cry.  I did cry while typing most of the previous paragraph earlier today.  We have our struggles, but we get through them.  They reappear - we get through them again with God keeping our perspective right.  I know these next 6 months will be hard always thinking of what was going on a year ago... but we will get through each day one step at a time and thank God along the way for the precious gift He gave us in Cayla Joy.  Goodnight all.

My first pregnant picture taken in February of  2012.

   

Cayla's Little Shelf

"But I would ye should understand, brethren, that the things which happened unto me 

have fallen out rather unto the furtherance of the gospel;"

Philippians 1:12

It's a new year.  2013.  I look at 2012 and come up with the above verse.  That pretty much sums it up.  And in verse 14 of that chapter it says, "And many of the brethren in the Lord, waxing confident by my bonds, are much more bold to speak the word without fear."  God has strengthened us through Cayla's life and death and in the process has given strength and confidence to other believers to live and be more of a witness for Him.  

What this year will bring is such a mystery.  Although some things don't appear to be.  Samuel graduates June 1st.  Yay!  He's so excited.  He wants so badly to join the Air Force, but feels even more strongly that it would be best to wait a year and get a one-year Bible degree.  He's only 17.  He can wait a year to see where God might lead at a Bible College and if God still calls him to the Air Force, I'll be behind him 100%.  There's even a possibility that he will get to spend 2 weeks in October on a missions trip to Brazil.  We are looking forward to seeing how God leads in Samuel's life.  

Here's a picture from last week of Samuel and Sargent Brown.  

This year is sending me back to work at least part-time right now.  Last year I was just working a day and a half at Basic Ingredients, but she has closed the store, so we will see what's next. I'm looking into tutoring since there's such a great need for this and I feel like I could make a difference in some children's lives.  I honestly have no desire to go back into a classroom or retail.  I really am open to whatever God has though, but I'm kind of hoping the tutoring works out.  We'll see. 

One of the shelves in our living room is our "Cayla shelf".  It just has some mementos of her life there where we can remember her and a have a few of her little things.  The shelf has her "box".  It's actually a jewelry box with the jewelry shelf removed.  It's covered in mirrors with a flat front side that's 5"x7".  So I tacked on a photo of her on the front and set a dried rose from her funeral on top.  There's also the angel holding a baby figurine that was in the flowers from Lowell's coworkers at Ken Forging.  The crystal bowl with the 8 dried roses from my Dad and Pat is on there too.  Then there's the yellow butterfly clip from Grandma and Grandpa Joe's flowers.  And then the memory candle with Cayla's picture and a saying on it from Baumgardner's Funeral Home, Lowell's cousin Jodi.   

Inside her little memory box are some Cayla things.  

I put one of her casts in there.  She was actually still wearing her last one when she died.  It was to come off July 3rd.  She'd already been fitted for shoes with braces to get at that next appointment.  We almost didn't take this cast thinking we'd just keep her last one when they took it off, but at the last minute decided to take it and grabbed it off the top of the trash can where Dr. Gurd set it.  It's in two pieces, so I wrapped her soft, velcro, hospital ID tag around the ankle to keep it together.  The casts were a big part of her life.  She had her first cast on at 3 weeks old and had it replaced each week for the next 5 weeks to straighten her club foot.  This first picture was her 1st visit to see Dr. Gurd, and her 1st cast... the before picture.

Then this picture is before she had her last cast put on.  Her foot was straightening out pretty good.  Her little foot and leg got to breathe a few minutes each week when they'd take the current cast off and let me take her up to 12th floor to have her weighed cast-free for an accurate weight.  Only to have to go back down and have another put back on.  This is also a picture of her little sock she always wore on her right foot.  I thought I kept the socks to put in her box since she always had one on, but  didn't find them.  Anyways, her last cast that was removed, we kept and have in her little keepsake box... this is her "after" picture.

There's also her pink stethoscope that the hospital gave me that was used every three hours to check the placement of her feeding tube that was in her nose before feeding her.  It was a pretty big piece of life with Cayla Joy, let me tell you.  Every time I fed her or gave her medicine, her tube had to be checked.  We had to take a small syringe, pull up some air in it and attach it to her NG (feeding) tube.  Then I had to put the stethoscope on and place the end over her stomach and listen.  Then I pumped the air into her stomach.  If I heard the "pop" sound, that meant I heard the air pop as it entered her stomach and all was well and ready to go.  If not, I either wasn't listening at the right spot on her belly or the tube had become dislodged and needed to be replaced.  Thankfully, every time I went to feed her, it was always there in its place although some times I had to check a couple of times before I heard the pop sound.  We also had to use the stethoscope when a new NG tube was being placed to make sure it made it into her tummy.  She pulled her tube out twice during the the 3 weeks she was home, but Lowell and I handled it like pros... they trained me well.   The 2nd time she pulled it out was during her 1am feeding.  So before we put the new one back in, Lowell grabbed the camera and took one of the few pictures we have of her without the NG tube.  Now to see if I can find it in all the pictures...  Yes, there's the sleeping beauty...  I had laid her on my bed to change her, turned around to grab a diaper and that's all the time she needed to get her little finger under that tube and yank it completely out.  She looks so innocent though...

Let's see, her salvaged hand cuff is in there.  :o)  Poor thing, having to be handcuffed even if it was with soft spongy stuff and hospital scissors...  I have to say, the NICU was so much better at controlling things like that.  They had these nifty little wrappers that kept their legs and arms propped up and came with little straps to keep little hands away from tubes and stuff (there's a picture below of her in one of them).  Although she was in one of those when in less than 10 seconds almost pulled her entire BREATHING tube out, not the little NG tube, and it took me 2 hands to pry her one hand off of it... But overall, I liked how the NICU handled her compared to the PICU.  I do wish they would take some advice on newborns from the pros in the NICU, but apparently there's a little competitive spirit between the two units... The next picture shows her little hand cuffs.  I did manage to find one laying on top of the trash one day and grabbed it for the memory... thus it made it into her box.  Ahhh... miss those precious kisses.

Wow, I'm going on and on here... her little green pacifier is in the box.  It's the only kind she'd take.  The hospital had little squeeze tubes of sugar water to squirt on it when she wouldn't stop fussing or needed to keep her still while sticking her with needles or something way too common like that.  I could've used some of those at home...

Let's see.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I stopped in at the little baby store in Jefferson and found the most precious outfit with matching shoes for $5.  I can't find the outfit (must have ended up with the stuff I gave away), just the shoes, so I put them in there.  They had little embroidered roses on the smocking.  That was the weirdest feeling... shopping for baby clothes.  For my baby.  I cried.  It was such a surreal experience that day.  I will never forget it.   I also put in one of her onesies since that is pretty much all she wore day in and day out.  :o)

The giraffe.  Lowell's giraffe.  He loves to show his love with gifts.  As Cayla was getting ready to leave the hospital, he wanted to get her something and found this perfect little giraffe, so soft and so cute.  I gave him a hard time when he was "presenting" it to her and she couldn't keep her eyes open and was not interested at all.  Thus the following picture.  

And lastly in this box is a bottle and a syringe.  Feeding our precious Cayla Joy.  I pumped gladly to provide the best milk for my baby girl.  She did nurse a little here and there, but it wore her out too much.  Even feeding from a bottle wore her out too much, thus the feeding tube.  But the bottle and syringe both evoke a strong memory to me of Cayla.


Well, I have gone on and on here tonight, so I will end here for now, but have enjoyed walking back through my life with Cayla tonight.  This afternoon I found myself rereading all the blog entries from June and July.  I cried, but it was ok.  So much I could write here, but sometimes there are things I just keep to myself.  Oh well, looking forward to 2013 and all that God will do in our lives this year.  Love to all!

Christmas Day

Well it's been a nice quiet, peaceful Christmas with family.  Wasn't about the gifts this year which is nice.  Glad that Samuel's ok with not having the latest gadgets and very happy with what he got even though we wish we could have done more.  But like I said, it's just not about the gifts.  At least not about the gifts we give each other.  We're blessed no matter what because of the gift of Jesus.  Sounds trite when I type it like that, but it really is true.  I didn't open gifts today, well, I did open a card from my in-laws... a trip to the lovely Olive Garden.  Very nice.  I got my sweet ring from my men that covered my birthday and Christmas.  :o) It's got April's and September's birthstones in it, for Cayla and Samuel.  They are so thoughtful.  They wanted to give me a ring for Mother's Day, but too much going on.  It's very special that they got this for me.  I love them both so much!  :o)



Some Christmas ornaments we got this year to remember our precious Cayla Joy...



Our senior and our baby... 2012

There were a few tears shed today.  But it was a beautiful day.  I wasn't sure how I'd be or even Lowell and Samuel, but we had our time this morning remembering her and talking together.  Amazingly enough, thanks to the prayers, we all were able to enjoy the day without a lot of stress or grief, but happy memories.  So a huge thank you to those who have prayed.  God answered!  :o)

Hope you all had a blessed Christmas!  We are looking forward to 2013 and all that it will bring.  I still want to post pictures of Cayla's little mementos and her shelf.  Another night this week maybe.  This is one tired mama who's got a doctor's appt. tomorrow.  God bless!

"Wonderful"

Pastor's sermon this morning was on Isaiah 6:9.  It talks about what Jesus will be called.  When he got to Wonderful, he said there's a comma after it, and it's not being used as an adjective describing Counselor.  It's a name for Jesus all by itself.  I don't think I've realized that before, nor have I seen this in a list of the names of Jesus.  What a great name.  Wonderful.  He is Wonderful in everything He is and does.  That just made me smile.  :o)

Then he went to Counselor, and I was reminded that I have THE Counselor of counselors to talk to anytime or anywhere.  He's not just A Counselor... His name IS Counselor.  I need Him and His counsel more than anyone else's.  After my blog entry last night, this just jumped out at me this morning.  I love how God works!  This one definitely made me smile again.  A verse came to mind as he was preaching.  Psalm 1:1 "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly..."  I could never go to just any human counselor, they would have to be a Christian using God's Word.  There are some great Christian counselors out there, but since I have no money, unless they'll talk for free, it isn't to be.  But you know, that's ok because I do have THE Counselor of all counselors 24/7 and He doesn't charge.  Big smile.

The next one was The Mighty God.  These are names describing... Jesus.  He is God.  He is the Mighty God.  He can do anything and has.  He had to be who He was to do what He did. I had to write that one down.  I smiled as I said Amen.  :o)

The Everlasting Father... the Father of Eternity.  Then he said, You can't give what you do not have.  I had to think about that.  God couldn't give us eternal life if He wasn't eternal Himself.  He's not being called God the Father, but our Father.

Prince of Peace.  Jesus must be the Prince or there's no peace.  Peace with God is most important. (Romans 5:1 and Colossians 1:20)  If you don't have this, nothing else matters.  Nothing else works.  Then there's the Peace of God, Phillipians 4:6,7.  It's not bought or bottled but purchased by His blood on the cross.  Then the Peace from God found in the opening of all Paul's epistles.  This is the amazing serenity of heart.  I feel like I've been on overload with this!  God's peace is like nothing else.  He ended with saying that our world will always lack peace until they accept God as the Prince of Peace.

Let me just suffice it to say, I was blessed this morning.  (another big smile)  Thank you Pastor Emery for speaking God's Word to me like it's brand new!  I love my church.  I had to share because it applies to everything we've gone through.  My life is anything but perfect, but with Jesus it's sure on the right path and easier to get straightened out when I fall.  Trust me.  Those who are still holding out, just let go and let God!  Giving my life to God is something I will be eternally grateful for and never have nor ever will regret that major decision.  It's yours to make. 

I will close with this thought.  Tonight at our "Evening in December" service, JoAnn Ward read the words to the "Jesus Name Above All Names" poem kind of thing (not sure what to call it).  It went through all the books in the Bible and said how God was seen in that book.  Out of all the things mentioned tonight, the one that stood out to me was Daniel.  She said that in the book of Daniel, He is the 4th man in the fiery furnace.  I just loved that!  He goes through the trials with us.  Delivers us from them while right in the midst of the worst part.  I am feeling so blessed tonight in my salvation from God.  No gifts are necessary this week.  Cayla's with Jesus and I will get to hug and kiss her again.  She's doing fine, and so am I.  I would have done things a little different, but His ways are perfect.  What more is there?  I trust Him and pray that you do too.  And... I'm still smiling... that might also have something to do with the gluten-free pineapple cheesecake I made and am eating... ;o)  Good night and have a blessed Christmas Eve!



It's been 6 months since she died.

What an amazing thought!  Six months since this all happened.  I thought about going back rereading the post I wrote that night she died, but can't quite bring myself to do so.  As much as I've tried to write these last months, it just isn't there.  So, so many days, I would have thoughts about something and think, Oh, I should write this in the blog.  But I didn't.  Now, I sit and have 100 things I could write about, but I don't think I'll be writing any of them. 

Today is a special day in my book.  It's exactly 6 months since our precious Cayla Joy died.  It's also 3 days before Christmas.  I remember a year ago wondering what this Christmas would be like with a baby after so many years.  We didn't find out about her heart until Feb 3rd, so we had lots of dreams last year not knowing she had anything wrong with her.  But you know, it's ok. 

The last thing I wanted to hear from anyone six months ago was that time heals.  I felt like that meant I was getting over her which ultimately meant I was forgetting her.  That's just how my thought processes went at the time.  Time does heal.  I love my mom and will never forget her, but time has eased the pain of losing her and it's nice to know I will never forget her after 18 years.  I *know* we will never forget our beautiful baby Cayla Joy.  I know that.  I guess I just worry sometimes that I'll forget what it felt like to hold her or kiss her.  What would I do without pictures, I don't know.  I cling to these pictures I have.  I doubt I'll forget her eyes looking at me and staring for long periods of time as if she was trying to tell me something.  I remember telling her to just let it out and tell me what's wrong... I'm a mess.  :o) 

I have to keep telling myself it's only been 6 months.  I'm actually doing great, I think.  I don't have anything to go up against, but for me, I think I'm doing well.  I feel free to laugh without guilt anymore.  I feel free to cry anywhere with anyone if something triggers the tears instead of holding them in wondering if people think I cry day in and day out.  I'm teasing people in my sarcastic way again (you know, the sarcasm I've learned from Lowell over the years.)  ;o)  He might not read this, so I can talk about him.  :o)  Anyways, I'm feeling free to do so much more in life.  It's kind of like subconsciously I've given myself permission to be more normal again.  To keep moving forward.  To get to a place where I can think about Cayla and smile.  It's not that I don't cry, but I can think about the what if's and guilt over her death and know that it's not mine or Lowell's fault although he still blames himself for her death.  That's a prayer request right there.  I feel like God has given me so, so many victories in my life through all this, that I'm thankful for all He's changed in me.  Some areas might have never changed had I not gone through this.

I praise the Lord for personal victories where I've actually listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and acted upon it to stop sin that only God and I know about.  God is so much more real than He's ever been in my life before.  I've taught Samuel and children at church that you can't hide anything from God and He sees everything you do and every thought you think.  Yet I am just now stopping sin because I know God's watching and because I know I'm grieving Him.  I'm learning the value of actions.  A lot of us can say the right thing all the day long, but our actions are the opposite.  It's that closeness to God that keeps us from sin.  Pastor Emery always says, "The Bible will keep us from sin, but sin will keep us from the Bible."  So true. 

I'd like to say it doesn't bother me when people tell me I'm depressed, but I can't.  Others, Lowell included, say I'm not depressed but grieving since it really hasn't been that long.  I have a debate going between depression and grieving.   I think there's a difference.  I have grieved deeply over these last 6 months.  I have been depressed over these last six months.  Just because I am one does not mean I am automatically the other.  Many times in those first months, I could not function properly.  My grief was preventing me from being able to do normal things.  To me and my unphilosophical mind, that is depression.   These last couple of months, I have been able to function, take care of my family, do the music at church, work with Samuel, work a little each week at the store and whatever else.  But... I have not done them to level of quality I have done in the past.  I'm up to about 75% maybe.  I don't know.  I do know I'm getting better though.  I don't think that constitutes depression. 

Why is it a big deal that I'm not depressed?  Well, I think God has done so much for me and given me so many victories over this that I would be dismissing Him and His work in my life to say I'm depressed right now.  I cry.  (I weep during PMS...)  I cried again today when we stopped for a hearse and funeral procession to drive by.  But it's ok, and I can move on and enjoy the rest of the day.  It doesn't debilitate me.  I don't feel that depression like I did. 

I went to see Dr. Lazerescu the OB/GYN.  Being in that same building again and having to tell the nurse my whole story about Cayla since my 1st OB no longer works there and I went on to Dr. Rajabi the specialist, set me off into tears.  Then the doctor came in and asked why he had no record of Cayla and I had to tell it all over again to him.  I didn't cry with him, but as soon as I stepped out of the room and saw a nurse I had from last year, the tears just flowed again and I had a hard time stopping them. The whole experience of being back there and talking about everything that happened was simply overwhelming to me.  So... what does the doctor say to me after talking to him about Cayla for about 20 minutes?  "Linda, I didn't know you before today, but I see a depressed woman sitting in front of me."  I almost laughed out loud.  I just wanted to tell him to put himself in my shoes for a minute.  It hadn't even been 6 months since she'd died.  Am I not allowed to grieve without being labeled depressed?   I don't know what to say anymore.   I told him if I was truly depressed, I would go see a counselor.  I told him I've talked to my pastor and his wife and to a former Christian counselor friend of mine, but he said I needed to see someone who was not emotionally involved in my life.  Maybe I would, but our deductible for this year ends January 3rd.  Whatever doctor visits I can cram in between now and then, fine.  Otherwise, nothing after the 3rd. 

I guess someone who doesn't know me and hasn't been with me through it all shouldn't bother me.  I should just smile and be eternally thankful for those that have been with me through this and can see that depression is just not me at the moment.  Whew!  Got that off my chest!  Thanks for letting me vent and try to "talk this out".  :o)  You can write any comment on this (or facebook where most of you comment) and I will gladly listen to any and all advice contrary to what I've said or not.  :o)  I promise I'll be good. 

I love my family so, so much!  I love how Samuel and I have been able to talk and get his thoughts on all of this.  What a great kid!   Which reminds me.  I have pictures of him that I've not put on the blog.  We got to babysit Elise again right before Thanksgiving and took these pictures that beautiful day.

There's so much more I want to talk about, but I let off steam about depression.  I guess I needed to do that.  I still have pictures of Cayla's little memory shelf that I want to put up, but that will have to wait again for another post. 

This Christmas will be a wonderful one.  I am sad and missing the fact that Cayla will not be with us, but there's so much I do have, I am very blessed.  The Lord Jesus, who loved me, Linda Sowry, enough to lower himself to become a man so I could have eternal life is an overwhelming thought when truly looked at.  His birth was the start of Him fulfilling His promise to send a Saviour that would save us from our sins.  That is just huge.  I pray that this Christmas you will take a good long look at Jesus.  Who He really is that we celebrate His birth so universally.  Who He is that could die like He did on the cross and still be alive today.  He is awesome.  He is everything.  He is exactly what I need to live my life joyfully no matter what the circumstances are.  I pray He is all that to you too.  He can be.  I'm just going to put this out there again, but email me if you have a question or want to know Jesus personally.  I'd love to talk.  lindasowry@gmail.com

Have a blessed Christmas and thanks for the continued prayers.  Stay tuned for the next episode in Cayla's blog...   ;o)

Funeral pics and news

I've started writing numerous times over the last 2 months, but never posted.  Most of the time I never finished writing my thoughts and never came back to that post.  I've tried to put my thoughts down, but apparently couldn't make it happen.  I'll probably start a new post about where I'm at tonight, Dec. 22nd,  and just send this one out as is. 



I really can't believe Christmas is just a couple of weeks away.   Thanks to Lowell, we finally got some Christmas decorations up last Wed.  We've had the tree up with the lights and my rose balls up, but didn't put all the rest up until last night.  I don't think I'm dreading Christmas or anything, I just feel like I've lost a little enthusiasm for all the celebrating.  I am still enjoying Christmas music and other stuff, maybe it's just taking me longer to get into it all.  This really is the best time of the year with all the beautiful lights and decorations everywhere.  I do love it all.  We even went to the Ashtabula and Jefferson parades which was fun with family and friends!  Saturday we had our church Christmas dinner which turned out really nice and fun.  And last night we drove up to Lakeshore Park with some friends from church and saw the light display they have there. 

I was reminded in the song "Mary, Did You Know?", that because Jesus came from heaven to earth, "The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again."  That's my little Cayla. There is a promise in that.  I know we will see Cayla again.  I'm not wishing it, or hoping it, or 99% sure of it... I'm 100% sure of it because God's Word says so, and He wouldn't be God if one word in the Bible wasn't true.  What an awesome God!

You all will be proud of me.  I've made a doctor's appointment for Thursday, Dec. 13th.  I just still feel imbalanced maybe hormonally, I'm not sure.  I can't seem to physically get myself back together.  I've not been to a family doctor since we've been here in Ohio, and the only doctor I've been to was my OB/GYN who's no longer there.  But I called their office and asked them where to start.  She said I could choose another doctor from there, so I have, and he'll do some blood work and get me started on getting my health back again.  Even with exercising and eating fairly well, I've gained weight and can't seem to stop it.  So, hopefully I can get my life, physically, back together.  We will see. 

Thanksgiving brought my dad and Pat up for a visit which was so great to see them again.  While she was here, Pat downloaded pictures she took at Cayla's funeral for me.   I had my camera, but couldn't bring myself to take any pictures, so I'm glad she did.  I'll post some of them here.  In one way, it's kind of hard to see them, but I know she's in heaven which changes my outlook.  In other ways, it's not hard to see them because I want to remember everything... even that day of celebrating her short little life.  So, here's the few pics.  Mostly they're the flowers so those who sent them can see what was sent. 


Lowell's cousin, Jodi Poole, talking to us about how the day will go and and answering our questions.



Dad and I talking.  I guess we were looking at who all the flowers and plants were from. 

Not all the flowers were there yet.

Still talking about who knows what.   I guess Pat was just clicking away. 
I don't think I even knew she was taking any.  I'm glad she took some but not too many.  

Our precious Cayla Joy. 
Her flowers from Dad, Mom and Brother hadn't come yet. 
She was in the beautiful little yellow dress from our Pastor and his wife
and then wrapped in a big, soft blanket from her Aunt Cathie and cousins Tyler and Sheylyn. 
Jodi had it set so you could see the embroidering there too.

The little pillow in the shape of a heart with the yellow roses is from us, Mom, Dad and brother.
  They stayed in there with her.  You can click on the pictures to see them better to read the cards.







From Grandma and Grandpa Guenther
The yellow butterfly is on her little shelf





From Aunt Carol and Uncle Sandy Baumgardner
This angel is made of stone and we put this at her grave site too.



From Aunt Doris, Karla, Donna and Louisa, my aunt and cousins

From Cayla's cousin Hannah Sowry and Jim and Janet Slater (her mom)



From Ken Forging, where Lowell works



From the Ashtabula County Concerts of Prayer Board



From N.W. Baptist Church in Washington, D.C. Pastor Rodney and Diana Moye

We didn't find out this was the Moye's church until a month or so after the funeral.

For a while it was the beautiful, mystery wreath. 

We put this up at her grave and have just swapped out fake flowers. 

I'm collecting fake flowers to replace them since they don't last long in the elements. 



From Dr. and Mrs. Shoemaker for Pensacola Christian College. 





There were others, but I don't have pictures right now.  Dad and Pat's long-stemmed roses aren't in this set of pictures, but maybe I'll post more later.  Thanks for all the prayers and love over these months.  Love to all!