What a year...

Well, a year ago today we found out I was pregnant.  What an amazing day that was!  So, so much has happened since then.   I look back at this past year and as much as I would have loved for a different outcome, I wouldn't trade this year for anything.  I had a daughter.  No, I have a daughter.  I never thought I'd be able to say those words.  My precious baby girl is always going to be a part of me no matter what.  As time passes though, I feel like it was a dream.  The pregnancy seemed to go by so quickly and then the time in the hospital seemed so surreal.  The couple of weeks we were home with her went by so fast as we tried to make some kind of schedule.  And then it was all over.  And now 4 months have gone by.   

We'd have a little 6 month old now.  It's hard to think that it's been six months since I had her.  I've shed many tears this past week just realizing how much I miss having Cayla in my arms.  It's been a rough few days.  The peace from God is still there, I just miss my girl.  After waiting so many years for her and to only hold her for such a short time...  It's just hard.  She really was so precious.

I know if I were to turn my thoughts and perspective around, the tears would subside, and they have when I've needed them to.  But sometimes I just want to cry about losing Cayla.  Sometimes I need to cry about her.  Tears are healing.  They tell me I've not forgotten her.  Part of me wants to hurt so I don't ever forget her.  I feel like the time we had with her was so short that it would be easy to forget this past year even happened.  I know I'll never forget her, but my life has fallen back into pre-Cayla routines and activities that have nothing to do with a baby.  I do feel like it was all a dream.

Anyways, I'm just a little weepy and tired tonight.  I wanted to write today since this all started a year ago.  We had no idea what the year ahead would hold, but God did, and it's so amazing just resting and trusting Him.  I cry, but I'm ok.  Really.  I am.  Thanks for the prayers so many are still praying for us.  It's a process and we are all still going through it.  So don't stop.

Before I say goodnight, here's some random pics of those few short days with our precious Cayla Joy. 


Grandma



Aunt Cathie

 

Grandma and Grandpa



Grandma and Grandpa



Daddy



Samuel



Mommy

 

Samuel



The yellow cow... she would stare at this picture intently... Thanks Andy Warhol for entertaining Cayla.



Our Precious Cayla Joy

 Goodnight!  :o)

Samuel's 17... missing my Cayla

Well, thinking about little miss Cayla alot these days.  I guess I will for a while... especially around the 22nd and 24th of each month.  Yes, she'd be 5 months old today.  I guess in time I will get past these days of the month without noticing, but not yet.  We'd probably still be at Cleveland Clinic recovering from her 2nd heart surgery so we could gear up for her bottom surgery.  Oh well.  How to stop these thoughts.  I do not know.  I love her so much.  I miss her so much.  I want to kiss her and hold her one more time. 

I have this picture of her and Lowell as my desktop background, and I find myself before I go to bed each night, telling her that, Momma loves you, and stuff like that.  There's going to be a permanent mark on my screen where I "rub her head" like I used to.  Feeling like this is pretty pathetic, but it makes me feel like I can at least say goodnight to her each night.  Don't know if it's "healthy" but it's where I'm at.  :o) 

I really am doing ok.  I just miss her.  I am feeling like I'm functioning a little more like myself everyday.  Haven't determined whether that's good or bad yet... ;o)  Samuel and I are doing the couch to 5K program instead of just our own walking/jogging for 3-4 miles.  This is different, so we'll see how it goes.  We only went one day last week between Samuel's poison ivy all over his body and then his birthday.  So today was a little rough getting back into it.  I am loving this cooler weather though.  The trail is pretty shaded so it's definitely jacket weather. 

I really need to do this and watch what I'm eating since I've gained back all the weight I lost with my pregnancy and some.  I need to hourly ask for God's strength to do what's right for my body physically.  I cannot do this on my own.  I've tried my whole life to be able to lose the weight.  I mean lose it and keep it off.  I'm going to take it where I'm at right now and ask God at the top of every hour (even if I need to set my alarm) to be in control of my actions.  To drink a glass of water every hour.  To take a few minutes to pray for all the many people needing it that God brings my mind throughout that hour.  To guard what I eat. To smile and show the love of God.  To not be a waster of my time.  It's easy to sit here and write this out... what great intentions.  Well have to see what kind of a report on how I do in the next post...

Good news!  Well, bad news too.  First the good news... My hair that has been falling out by the handfuls is growing back.  Yay!  My head is covered with half inch peach fuzz.  Some are even longer.  :o)  Ok, the bad news... It's coming back white and kinky.  I have white hairs zig-zagging out of my head that will not curl, or unkink.  It's almost funny it's so bad.  Actually it is funny right now while it's still just a few long ones that stick out, but once all these many other ones start growing out longer, me thinks it won't be funny anymore.  At least you can't see my scalp all the way back anymore.  So I guess this means another update will have to come later with pictures.  Eww, Ahh.

Another note, two weeks ago, I was able to complete the process to send in my milk and they called to tell me they pasteurized it that morning and it's already being used.  They were thrilled with the amount I was able to send and the content of it.  She said it is just what they need for preemies with lots of thick cream and good fats (from all the salmon I was eating).  :o)  So, I'm so glad that finally worked out and is done.

Don't have time now, but I'll have to take pictures of Cayla's little box.  We put some of her mementos in a fancy jewelry box from Things Remembered.  I keep meaning to do that and don't think about it until times like now when I don't have the time to do it.  Oh well. 

Samuel's now 17 and we had a great weekend celebrating him!  Although the celebrating will continue this next weekend too.  Friday night Grandma and Grandpa are taking us to an Indians game in Cleveland and on Saturday, Lowell managed to get tickets to see Tim Hawkins, the Christian comedian, in Middleburg Heights.  Somewhere in the suburbs of Cleveland I think.  Plus we got a free $50 gift card to Chili's and Lowell has been through Chili's withdrawl since moving to Ashtabula... So he's really looking forward to this weekend as well.  We all are.  It will be nice going to Cleveland for something other than the Clinic.  :o)

Some pics from Saturday night with family and friends.

Thanks for all the love and prayers.  So many times I feel my spirits lift and just know someone had to have been praying for us.  Thank you.  We'll talk more later!  ;o)

Samuel or Cayla?

It's 12:30am this lovely, cold, rainy, dark, Friday night.  Samuel and 3 of his friends are outside, in the rain and darkness, having an AirSoft battle.  Whatever makes them happy.  I'm glad to be right here, dry and warm.  Samuel turned 17 yesterday and is having friends over tonight.  We'll have all the family and friends over tomorrow for dinner.  He's had a great time so far.  Uncle John (my brother) and Uncle Cress (Lowell's brother) have had an impact on him.  He likes cool smelling deodorants and sprays, so I thought I'd ask him if he wanted to look at some cologne yesterday.  So, what do we see right off the bat?  Mustang.  It was in the original or Blue Mustang scent.  We both really liked the Blue one, so I got it for him.  Thanks to his uncles since Lowell and I don't wear any of that... :o)  Tomorrow we celebrate my boy. 

Yesterday, we also started looking through old pictures.  I wanted to post a little album on facebook with some of his baby pics.  Well, what do we find?  This picture below of him sleeping on the couch with Daddy.  The top 2 are Cayla.  They almost look like the same baby!  I had to share.  So amazed at how much they look alike.  Samuel thought it was pretty neat that she looked so much like him.  :o)

 

Cayla Joy 2012

 

 

Samuel Hunter 1995

Well, they are coming in, drying off and wanting to play the Wii which is right behind me... Well, I'll get a picture of the wet gang and go to bed.



Left to right... Steven Russell, Joseph Laing, Roger Strull, and Samuel





Samuel and Some Thoughts

Well, we'd be getting ready for Cayla's 2nd heart surgery this week probably.  I am happy for her not having to go through all the surgeries, pain, recoveries and all that goes with it.  The Lord knows we'd be right there helping her through it all.  He chose to spare her.  I am happy for my girl, but... but what?  I wish her back here to go through it all?  I guess I can't say that.  She's perfect now.  No abnormalities on her.  No surgeries lined up.  I guess I really can't wish her back here.  But, I guess I can say, I miss her.  I do wish it didn't have to be this way.  Still, even though I miss her tremendously, God has given me a peace about her life.  I know I cry, I feel lost at times, I don't function the way I used to, but that's just my human side coming out.  I have a great Lord.  I can smile about her more and more as the Lord's great peace just settles in and stays. 

I have to share Psalm 27:4, "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." When I hear the phrase, "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord..." I think of Psalm 23:6.  It ends that phrase with the word "forever".  But Psalm 27:4 ends that phrase with, "all the days of my life."  That's right now, not just eternity.  I've always thought of that phrase as just referring to heaven, but this verse refers to now, here, on earth, while I'm still living I can dwell in the house of the Lord.  That is an awesome thought if you let it sink in.  Every day of my life, however long or short that may be, I can chose to live with the Lord and hang out at His place anytime I want to!  I'd guess that if I had a friend who was a billionaire and was given access to their house anytime, I'd be going there as often as I could, and I'd be wanting to show my other friends what this place was like.  How much more amazing is it to walk each day of this life on earth in the presence of the Lord and dwell where He dwells.  To see His wonderful beauty and ask Him whatever I want to.  Well, we can.  It's our choice.  To spend our days in squalor, living on the streets, or to step into that beautiful place of peace and trust.  I can't imagine anyone literally choosing to live on the streets with a house like that available, but spiritually we do it all the time. We can chose to trust God, to dwell in His house all day long, or we can live life the way we do... with anger, mistrust, fear, pride, disobedience and the list goes on.  Just a thought that struck me when Mrs. Emery, my pastor's wife, read this verse in her devotional the other day.  Thought I'd share my thoughts.

Verses like this lift my spirit tremendously.  I just want to yell it on the housetops that God is real!  The Bible is everything it says it is.  God is everything He says He is.  And I can say this, not because it's just what I believe, but because I've experienced it.  I've experienced living with God.  I don't know what you believe, but if you just believe something because that's what you've been taught, it's popular, or think is right, you've got nothing on personally knowing something's real because you've felt it.  I can't explain it.  I can't explain the overwhelming peace God gave when my baby died.  I can't explain a lot of things that God has done these last 2-4 months in my life.  But I can say He's real.  The Bible is 100% true.  I've experienced it!  Just had to share.  My fingers are just typing away as I sit here this Sunday afternoon.  I sat down, not having a clue what I wanted to write, but just started writing. 

This is what pulls me up out of my depression.  I talk about Cayla alot.  That helps.  I talk to people alot.  That helps.  I read my Bible.  That really helps.  I pour my heart out to God.  That gives me peace.  I write this all out.  That helps me more than all the talking I could muster up (trust me that's alot...).  People are wonderful, don't get me wrong.  All my talking helps me and thank you to all you listeners who put up with me.  But my strength to get through each day only comes from the Lord.  He is my all in all.  I guess I just want everyone reading this to grasp a picture of what your life could be like if you truly gave it all to Him. 

I sang a song a couple of weeks ago called, "You Will Always Be A Child".  It's God talking to us.  We will always be a child in His eyes.  It's like being 5 years old and having no worries about tomorrow, mom and dad are taking care of it.  Kids don't worry about stuff.  Neither should we.  If you're God's child, you've got a heavenly Father taking care of you.  Think of yourself as being 5 again.  Trust Him with all the details of your life.  If you're not God's child, you really need to reconsider. I was just talking to my mother-in-law Thursday about this.  I so badly want another baby girl to hold in my arms and love, but just as much as I want this, I don't want it.  I don't know if I can write out my meaning.  I'm 42.  Lowell's 52. The thought of raising Cayla was overwhelming in itself.  I could push and pray that God gives us another child.  What if it's not the best thing for us?  What if it's not in God's perfect plan for our lives?  Would I want to push God to do something that I want when He might have a perfect will and plan for our lives that might be even better?  Never.  I want a baby, but I don't. I'm ok, not ever having another child again.  All this confusion is where God comes in.  I'm not going to push one way or another.  I can just tell God that I want His best for us, whatever that may be. Period.  No more confusion.  No more stress.  No more worrying.  It's in His hands and when your life is in perfect hands, you have nothing, I said nothing to worry about.  Love it!!

My mother-in-law and I did our last trek out to Hillcrest Hospital again last Thursday.  At least I think it should be our last trek.  With life, you never know.  I've been trying to donate all the breast milk in my deep freezer.  It's taking a while to get the ball rolling, but we're making progress.  It's good for up to 6 months and time is running out.  The milk bank of Ohio is very low on supply, so I would love to have this go to help another little baby.  Cayla had to have donor milk at one point, so I'm happy to have it to give.  I would guess I have about 130-150 ounces of milk in my freezer.  I had to keep pumping so when she could have my milk, I could keep up with her demand.  Anyways,  Hillcrest is the closest hospital that will do the necessary blood work for free, so we went with the kit they sent and had my blood drawn.  Well, I couldn't go to Hilcrest without stopping to see Dr. Rajabi.  He thought he got rid of me a long time ago... :o)  Well, I keep coming back to haunt him.  :o)  Going there to my appointments, even though I knew Cayla only had half a heart that worked, was such a high point for me.  I was pregnant again.  I was going to have a baby.  Yeah, she had problems, but it was still a time of great excitement for me.  So going back up there to Dr. Rajabi's office was remembering good times for me.  I would love to go back to Cleveland Clinic and see the doctors and nurses there too.  It was a hard time, but it was where Cayla was.  It's a special place to me.  They're all special people to me.  I know I won't since I don't really have a reason to go back, but since I was already at Hillcrest, I couldn't help myself  from stopping in to say Hi up on 4th floor.

Well, there went my Sunday afternoon... I always feel good after I sit and write in the blog.  I should do it more, but I feel like anything I type here should have to do with Cayla.  So I share some stuff on facebook and every now and then, on the blog.  I guess I'll share some pictures I've recently put on facebook on here too. 

I did take some pictures last night of the 8 long-stem pink roses my Dad and Pat got at Cayla's homegoing service from June.  I arranged them and let them dry and we'll see how long they last.  They look very pretty I think for just sitting in a bowl.  They chose 8 because she was 8 weeks old.  One for each week of her little life. 

I'll close this post with Samuel.  He's a senior this year.  He's still 16 at least for 2 more weeks.  Here's some pictures from the first day of 12th grade...



He said the sun was in his eyes.  :o)  My bright eyed and bushy tailed son. 

We've been walking/running every school morning.  We've done it now for 4 weeks.  We go to the Greenway Trail which is 41 miles long from Ashtabula straight south into the next county.  It used to be a railroad track and now it's a gorgeous stretch of God's creation.  We've been going anywhere from 2-3 and 1/2 miles a day.  We're thinking about running (and walking) a 5K.  I think there's one on Thanksgiving morning.  We'll see.  Here's some pictures of where we run.  It's beautiful and I can't wait until the leaves start changing for fall!  I have to say that he even went this week by himself the 2 days I wasn't feeling good.  I'm proud of him and how he's maturing and letting God change him into the man He wants him to be. 

I remember...

I started writing this on Friday, August 24th and never went back to finish or publish it to the blog.  I was "remembering" too many things and couldn't finish.  I read this now over a week later, and I'm not crying, but am wanting to.  Emotions have been very high recently.  Not in the way that I'm walking around weeping or anything, more like I'm just more sensitive to everything around me.  Ok, so maybe a few tears.  Not just Cayla stuff.  Anyways, I might just add another paragraph at the end and publish it, but this is just a drop in the bucket of memories that constantly flood my brain...


From Friday, August 24th

Well, today, Cayla Joy would have been 4 months old.  Also, today marks 9 weeks since she died.  That sounds like an eternity, yet it seems like it was this week.  Funny how our minds work. 

I started last Saturday night, August 18th, rereading the blog from day one.  Tuesday, I got to June 22nd's entry and had to stop.  I was feeling the excitement, uncertainties, joy, nervousness, peace, anticipation, unknowns, and all the emotions all over again as I read.  It was very overwhelming to relive those months again.  I so remember the feeling as I wrote about being able to hold her the first time.  I remember the smell of her when I wrote that I just loved to breathe in the smell of her.  I remember kissing her as I read about it.  I remember feeling like I needed handcuffs when they told me I couldn't touch her or stimulate her with my touch or voice after surgery.  I remember gently rubbing that sweet little head whenever she needed comfort. I felt and remembered every emotion from the beginning.  I remember sitting with my friend Wendy Hollon when I found out I was pregnant on October 21, 2011 and crying tears of disbelief, joy, and amazement that God had opened my womb after 16 years.  I remember earlier that same morning, Lowell asking Samuel what he thought about the possibility of mom being pregnant and what Samuel's answer was.  Without any hesitation with this whole possibility posed to him for the 1st time, he said, "Two things.  It's a little late, and if something happens to you guys, I'm stuck with the kid."  :o)  Oh my!  What a laugh we had at that.  He quickly added that he was kidding, and that it would be very cool, and then looked at us with his head to one side saying, "Really? You could be pregnant?!"  Love him.

I've remembered all the people I've met along the way as I reread.  So many nurses.  So many doctors. So many friends.  So many babies.  So many moms.  It's been nice going back through and remembering so many people.

I remembered the feeling as Samuel and I met Dr. Rajabi the first time and heard him tell us that Cayla had a major heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome.  I remember looking at him, at Samuel, the nurse and then back to Dr. Rajabi again as they were waiting to see how I responded to this information.  God had prepared my heart to hear this news and I remember thinking, "I'm ok. God's going to help us through this and made Cayla's heart exactly how He intended it to be."  I remember trying to focus on what Dr. Rajabi was saying about her heart and how hard it was.  My mind kept wandering.  He was so good, and I believe repeated everything he said at least 3 times to help me process it all.  I remember getting through the rest of that doctor's visit and setting up a time to go see him in his office at Hillcrest Hospital that following Wednesday.  I remember the feeling as Samuel and I stepped outside of the hospital and let out a huge breath and just a few tears fell then.  I remember pulling up to our house as Samuel was driving and not having really cried.  He stopped the car and we both just sat there.  I remember the precious moments as we held each other and prayed asking God to help us accept His will in our little baby's life.  It was as we prayed that the dam broke and we were both weeping before the prayer ended.  Such memories.


I'm back to today, Sunday, September 2nd.

I remember carrying Cayla up the stairs and losing my balance one time.  From then on, anytime I carried her up the squeaky stairs, she would cry as if she remembered the feeling of almost falling.  There are times I cry going up those stairs wishing I could hear her cry and comfort her.  I remember going upstairs to get her when she'd woken up from her nap, and open our bedroom door to the sights and sounds of Cayla Joy.  Almost every time I walk into our room now, I find myself automatically looking at the spot where her crib was.  I remember those eyes looking up at me wanting to be picked up when I got there.  I remember taking her to our bed and falling asleep across it every morning after her 7am feeding.  We would take our time falling asleep and talk sometimes.  Many times she was crying, and I couldn't figure out why.  I completely remember feeding her her bottle and how she would just stare at me the entire time.  She was precious.  I can write all this without crying.  I just want to talk about her.  I just want to remember her.  I just want everyone else to hear and know just how precious she was.  I don't want to ever forget her.  Ok, now I'm crying... :o} 

I feel like this was just a dream.  She came and she went pretty fast.  It's like it really was too good to be true.  It was too amazing to be pregnant and having a baby again and I told myself I knew it wouldn't last.  I had such a hard time allowing myself to believe she'd live, we all did, that when she died, it was as if I was expecting it.  But, there was also a point in time that I let myself dream of her actually growing up.  She was doing so well.  I guess I lost sight of how fragile her life was and wasn't jumping every time she did normal baby things like cry, have a diaper rash, spit up some, or fuss.  I needed to stay alert to all that, but I got comfortable and thought she was doing well.  So when it all happened that Friday, I think I was just slow catching on to what was really happening.  It wasn't until shortly before she died that I realized what was happening.  So, I am still waking up at night remembering this and dealing with guilt again.  It's been weeks since  this had happened and now these last few days, it's all coming back again. That awful guilt.  Those "Why didn't I?" thoughts are plaguing my nights.

I guess I'm remembering the good the bad and the ugly... I'm finding I'm not praying like I was either.  I'm now reading His Word so much more, but haven't been praying much.  I haven't been talking to God like I have been.  I can't seem to get things right.  It's all related to my sleepless nights, the feelings of guilt and all.  On top of it all, I just plain out miss my baby girl.  I just miss her.  I just want to hold her one more time and rub that little head and kiss that little mouth.  Oh man, I'm crying again.  I came home from church tonight after having a good day today and laid down on the couch and cried.  I don't even know what provoked it.  I made myself get up, and I did the dishes in record time, made the jello and scrubbed the potatoes for tomorrow and did one load of laundry.  It's now after 11pm and I need to go to bed.  So for now, this is it for this crazy post.  It's sopping with drama and emotion.  Sorry about that.  I can't help myself.  I'm feeling the need to analyze myself, figure out what I need to be doing, and make some changes.  We'll see. 

Thanks for the prayers.  I think at times, I'm doing so well and am starting to be able to move on, then I feel crippled all of the sudden like now.  Well, overall, I am doing well, I'm just still working through this.  We all are and are so grateful you're praying for us all.  Thank you so much!!!

ps... I'm adding a note this Labor Day morning.  I just need to say, pms.  Boy does that make me feel better.  I forgot about this and I know it's tmi (too much info), but explains the extra tears and emotions these last few days.  Feeling better already this morning... in an emotional way, not physically... :o)

Cayla's Homegoing Service (playlist)

Well, it's taken me long enough to do this.  Part of me was not in a great hurry, but I guess I'm done procrastinating.  :o)

This is Cayla Joy's Homegoing Service.  She is at home in heaven already having met Jesus 1st of all and has been places I have never been.  She's walked on streets paved with gold.  Not knowing exactly how heaven works, she might have already been before God in His throne room.  Maybe that's where she started.  She's seen things I have only dreamt of.  She's met people I can't wait to meet.  She's met my mom... woah, that makes me cry.  She's doing great!  It's just us here on earth missing her that are having a hard time. 

I know I will see her again because God's Word, the Bible, says so.  I am going to heaven because I believe that Jesus took my place in dying on the cross.  He shed his blood to take the punishment for my sins.  He did it for all of us.  The verse in I John 1:7 that says, "...the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin."  My sins are covered.  Yours can be too.  In Romans 6:23 it says, "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."  Since eternal life = heaven, if I accept God's gift of salvation, I will go to heaven for eternity.  The only other choice is eternal death = hell.  You know, you may think me arrogant or whatever for saying that, but it's true and if you knew the truth, wouldn't you want everyone to know too?  Why would anyone knowingly choose eternal death.  It's real.  Not because I said so, but because the Bible does. So please, take a minute and think about it.  Take longer than a minute.  Our lives are just little blips compared to eternity.  When are you going to start planning for the biggest trip of your life?  We spend a lot of time planning for each day and for a week of vacation, what about eternity?  Eternity lasts a long time, but it's not long in coming.  Please think about this and prepare yourself for it.  Email me.  lindasowry@gmail.com  Thanks for those who've already "talked" to me through email.  I'm praying that you take the gift God's handing you today.  It's one of those things in life you never regret doing.      

David Brown, Elise's dad, let us use his video camera to record the service and has done a lot to edit and set them up online for us.  Thank you so much for doing this for us.  They couldn't be longer than 15 minute segments, so it's broken up into 5 videos.   The last two are after the service, of people coming up to talk to us and see Cayla one last time.   I would guess that I put them on there more for us, but others might like to see who was there as well. Many came for the calling hours before but could not stay for the service.  Pastor Emery spoke to each of our hearts that day.  His message is what we needed to hear.  There are parts where the camera didn't pick up the words clearly, so I am working on typing them out.  Maybe another post.   And the opening piano piece, "Jesus Loves Me and He Hideth My Soul", is being played by Elise's mom, Erin.  Thanks for a beautiful song!



Mother's Day... Love this picture.



6 weeks old.  Love this too. 




Cayla in her cocoon made by Grandma Pat.  Love it.



Answered Prayers

It's midnight this late Monday night... I've been wanting to write since last Friday.  I figured now is the time to write since the rest of this week looks way too busy.  I wrote last Thursday night asking for prayer.  I was having a hard week in every way.  I know a big part of it was that my monthly cycle started last week for the first time in a year...TMI (Too Much Information) I know, but it helps explain some things.   Physically, I do need help.  Not quite sure who to see about that since I haven't been to a doctor here in Ohio outside of the OB/GYN's.  I am drinking more water.  I am not taking my vitamins yet.  I'm not sure where they are, although I haven't really looked for them.  I am still losing a good bit of hair, but I'm reassured that between the baby and stress, that's somewhat normal.  My joints still feel stiff, but I'm forcing myself to move around. Lowell, Samuel and I have been playing disc golf (it's not technically called frisbee golf I've been told), every other night.  I plan to start walking/running in the mornings again.  We'll see, don't hold me to it.  :o)

For all the prayer I asked for, God answered.  I had a great day Friday, and have had great days since. I had woke up Friday morning feeling like I could conquer the world.  I was able to start my dishes and get most of them done outside of pots and pans.  I know I've counselled others to reach out to those around you when you're discouraged, upset, depressed, etc.  It helps get your focus off yourself and really lifts your spirit helping others.  It finally hit me that this would be excellent advice to give myself.  I know my friend Kim Hunsicker helped me so, so much with the yardsale, that I got the opportunity to go to her house Friday and help clean there.  It worked wonders!  I kept telling her to not tell Lowell that I cleaned her house with mine looking as it did.  Samuel pulled some weeds and trimmed a few bushes in the heat too.  But, it felt so good cleaning someone else's house that I was inspired to keep working on mine.  My mother-in-law came over after work to help me with my house around 4pm.  While I worked on the rest of the dishes and pots and pans, she did counters, cleaned out a cupboard that I'd sprayed Raid in because of those yucky teensy-tiny little sugar ants, put stuff away and then she and Samuel attacked the dining room table.  It got completely cleared and washed, although I'm still wondering where it all went... still looking for a couple of things... Samuel.  We trimmed dead leaves off planters from Cayla's funeral and watered them.  Amazing how quickly plants perk up when watered. ;o)  Lowell came home and we all talked a while.  Before she left she swept my kitchen floor too.  She's so good to me.  Lowell took us to Steak and Shake since the kitchen was now clean and he didn't want to mess it up.  :o)  If I knew that's all it took to get him to take me out... Oh well.  :o)

Saturday we had our church picnic up on Lake Erie at Saybrook Township Park.  So pretty with a nice strong breeze off the lake.  Such uplifting fellowship, friends, fun, and food.  Plus a good day at church.  Convicted to spend more time in my Bible to keep my heart trusting Him and not worrying and Sunday night, to pray, pray, and pray and don't underestimate the power of it.  Such a good reminder of what I forget to do.  God is good and I love Pastor Emery and my whole church family. 

My boss at Basic Ingredients, Cathy Lovas, invited me over to her house since she's closed on Monday's.  It was Mary's birthday, the other lady who works there, and we had lunch and played cards.  I learned how to play Minnesota Canasta (don't know what the difference is between it and regular Canasta) which was a lot of fun. Came home and dishes were still getting done!  We went to play disc golf, but it ended up with the boys playing while I sat on a long swing with Tina Siesel enjoying Lake Erie.  So peaceful and relaxing, and great company.

It's now Tuesday night and it's 12 minutes after 1am... I think I need to go to bed.  Today was a great day.  I mixed up my gluten free flour mixture and made some cinnamon raisin bread for our little excursion this weekend to Philadelphia with the teens and young adults at church.  Looking forward to it, but just wish Lowell could come.  I washed the dishes as I dirtied them.  Yay!  I did 4 loads of laundry.  Yay!   I didn't have to work this afternoon since the truck didn't come until closing time. Right now, my kitchen is clean, every dish and everywhere else is picked up.  This feels so good.  God has given me strength I didn't know I had. 

All through my pregnancy and up until now, I've heard stories of miscarriages and heartache and they all hit a chord in my heart.  It made me realize how much I have to be thankful for. This was my facebook post this morning...

I am so grateful that I got my little girl for 2 months.

Many babies with multiple problems like she had, don't make it out of the womb.

God allowed me to not miscarry Cayla,

but to have a chance to see her, love her, hold her and kiss her!!!

Definitely something to be grateful for this morning! :D

  

 I've said this before.  Perspective can change it all.  When I look at this way, it's such a happy thought.  I've enjoyed studying God's Word with Samuel.  I love seeing him grow up and mature in so many ways.  I'm blessed.  There's just no 2 ways about it. God has blessed us!  We miss Cayla, but God is working in our lives because of this.

Still trying to figure out how to get the video of her service to work.  I know I keep saying this, but hopefully soon, it will be posted!  :o)

Goodnight all!  God bless your day tomorrow!     

Prayer

Just sitting here tonight typing out the words spoken at Cayla's homegoing service, trying to get it ready to post.  I've been putting it off and not wanting to do it.  It's actually been helping me though tonight somewhat.  I've been weepy these last couple of days and am concerned with myself in a way.  I don't know what to say.   I guess I'm going through a gradual realization that I'm depressed.  Many have told me so, but I'm just grieving in my own way I thought.  I know there's depression weaved into my life right now.  I don't wash any dishes after dinner and don't care until we run out and then I wash just enough to function a few more days.  Of course that's not a tell-tale sign, I did that before Cayla... ;o)  I've just got to the point now that my counters are never clear. I need to clean my bathroom, but I don't.  I need to get spiderwebs out of the corners and do my floors, but I don't.  I guess the problem is that I don't care.  Apathy.   At least before when I didn't get my house cleaned, it bothered me.  It doesn't right now. 

Physically, I'm gaining back the weight I lost from having Cayla. Not good.  Makes me feel awful, but not awful enough to stop eating. I'm not being super careful with my Celiac Disease. I'm not eating bread or anything obvious like that, but it's the little things like not caring to look into what mayo, soy sauce, etc. was used in something I'm eating.  Before, I wouldn't eat it if I didn't know.  If it's not something major, I don't seem to care.  I'm finally starting to feel some effects from this... not good.  I'm not drinking water.  I was drinking a big mug of 24 ounces of water every hour or so.  I've gone days without a drop.  I'm not drinking soda or anything else either.  I'm just not drinking.  Just milk with my cereal. I have an almost full bottle of prenatal vitamins I was still taking to use them up and help me out, but haven't been taking them or anything else.  My hair is falling out quite a bit.  I am cleaning my brush every morning.  All of this is leading to me being tired with achy joints.  I feel like I've gained 10-20 years in the last 6 weeks.  I was feeling so, so, so good when I was home with Cayla keeping me on my toes.  I had a great reason to stay healthy.

I don't know.  I'm reading the Bible and God is speaking to me and I am so encouraged, but I'm obviously not listening too closely to Him right now.  When I'm out or around people, I can try and be the same old Linda, but deep down I know this isn't the same Linda.  I don't want to be where I'm at because I don't think God gets much glory from it.  Actually, I know God doesn't get glory from me when I'm like this.  When I cry, it's not a despondant cry, just missing my little girl in my arms kind of cry. 

I was telling the ladies at work that I haven't thought myself depressed because I seem to be somewhat fine most of the time.  But when I started listing and thinking about all the physical things I'm doing or not doing, how can I say I'm not.  So, I guess I am depressed in some way.  I could go talk it out with a professional counselor, but why do I need to when I'm talking it out and putting myself out there to the blog and the unknown audience. :o)  I don't know.  I do though know I need prayer.  I'm super tired, going to bed, hoping tomorrow will be a good day.  Today was good overall.  It all depends on what you're looking for. 

Appreciate the prayers.  I think I should be over this, and I'm not.  I shouldn't say that because I know it's not been long and it's ok to not be over this and I know I'll never be over this.  But I said it anyways.  :o)  Gotta go to bed.  Hopefully her service will be ready to be posted soon.  :o) 

Good night all.

Dr. El Gammal

Last Friday I called and got ahold of Dr. El Gammal, Cayla's pediatrician, in the morning and then went to see her at 12:30pm.  I have to say again that just driving down Route 20 and passing Lake Avenue where the hospital is, makes me remember that Friday and want to stay away from anywhere near there.  I would say the feeling is lessening, but still there.  I just knew that I needed to go see her.  She was there and saw Cayla the last 2 days of her life.  She was with her during her final 4 hours.  I wanted to talk to her and talk we did for about 45 minutes.  She gave up her lunch break for me.

I've been hung up on these immunizations and beating myself up over them, Lowell too.  So after a warm greeting, one of the first questions I asked was about the immunizations.  What effect did they have on her death?  Well, being the completely, medically, uneducated person that I am, I was surprised by her answer.  They had nothing to do with her death at all.  So she explained since I guess the look on my face was still pretty doubtful.  The vaccines Cayla had were all non-living pieces of a specific virus.  If they had played a part in her infection, the area where the needle was inserted would be showing signs of redness and a reaction.  She said you don't get the shot in your left arm and break out with an infection in your right arm.  Makes sense.  Then she said that the first signs of infection from the vaccine are redness at the injection site and a fever.  Cayla had perfectly normal skin where her shot was given and had no fever.  She also said that if there was a reaction, it wouldn't just be an infection randomly in her body such as her bottom, it would be the disease that was actually being immunized.  The point being that the infection in her bottom had been there brewing under the surface just waiting to show its ugly self and did so all by itself without any help from the immunizations.  So, ok.  I guess that clears that up...

Now then my mind jumps to her bottom.  Now I'm going back to where I started with all this.  That day as we were waiting in the ER, all I could see in my mind was her bottom from the morning.  Purple, red, swollen, and what used to be her scabs over the rash were now open, white and pussy around the edges.  Sorry for the details...  My first thought then was why didn't we put her on antibiotics to clear this up.  Dr. Magnuson had just seen her the previous Thursday and said there was bacteria building up in her bottom and she was most likely going to have to have a colostomy bag put in until surgery.  Then he said to put this prescription cream on, see how she does and come back in 2 weeks to see about the colostomy bag.  I don't know.  I do know that Lowell asked if the cream he was giving us was an antibiotic cream and when we got it, it wasn't.  I'm not sure what Dr. Magnuson was thinking.  He did say that she can't be on antibiotics for 6 months, thus the bag.  We thought though that he could have given her some kind of antibiotic to clear it up before the bag, but for some reason, we didn't pursue that thought.  Thus the guilt of why we didn't follow through.  He had also given us rods to stretch or dilate her bottom to relieve some of the pressure building up.  We were supposed to do it once every day.  It took 2 people.  We were doing it at night.  Wednesday night when we did it, a lot of pressure was released causing it to spray everywhere and make a big mess.  Well, that next night, Thursday, we'd forgot to do it and remembered later when she was all settled in and thought that we'd get it tomorrow.  It was just for the purpose of stretching, so missing one night wouldn't hurt.  Well, you know where the guilt is now.  What if we'd gone back and dilated her bottom?  Would pressure have been relieved enough to put off the infection building from it?  I would say yes, but even if I could 100% pinpoint the exact reason for her death and how it could easily have been prevented, would it change the course of events?  Not if it was her time to die.  I've not wanted to tell anyone about not dilating her bottom the night before she died.  That would be admitting fault for what could be the cause of her death.  I don't want that on my shoulders.  But, it's there.  So many What if's.  I want the blame to be on someone else, but in our minds, it very well could have been that simple.  I know blame is not an issue at this point and we need to move past this and not worry about what actually caused her death because we will never really know with all that was going on with her.  Let me just say it's harder than you may think.  I know that we can't carry this blame.  I know there were a bunch of other factors with her little body.  I know we have to give the whole thing to God.  I know a lot of things.  Just tell the rest of me to catch on... 

The whole destructive path of "What ifs" is something I've known about since day one after she died.  I've managed to work through this off and on these last 5 weeks.  It still rears its ugly head at times.  If I find myself starting to cry and lose it, I have been able to stop and ask God for victory over my thoughts.  He's been faithful, but the thoughts will come back periodically, especially after last Friday's talk.  BUT, I'm doing better with it.  I know deep down if it wouldn't have been then, it easily could have been at any point down the road.  She was apparently a lot more fragile than we realized.  I would say Lowell is having a harder time than I am with the What if's.  So pray for him through this.

Well, these are thoughts that came after Dr. El Gammal said it wasn't the immunizations.  I didn't voice all of this to her, because before a few minutes ago, I was planning on not ever telling anyone about not dilating her bottom the night before.  I'm not sure why I did put it out here for the world to see.  I don't know that it even makes me feel any better "confessing".  I just need to write my thoughts, so I guess I needed to just write it out more than I needed to hide it. 

She and I talked about how we've been in the last 5 weeks.  She did go for her 3 week vacation back to her family in Egypt and said the first week was hard to relax. I told her we'd prayed for her knowing it was the start of her vacation.  I hope she knows how much I appreciate her and all she did that day.  She let me talk to her about how God has helped my family through these last weeks.  How God has been everything the Bible says He is.  How I know I'll see Cayla someday because I believe the Bible and Jesus's death on the cross for my sins.  How I know because of Him, I'll see her again, not because I'm good or anything.  I don't hope I will see Cayla someday.  I KNOW I will see Cayla some day because of Jesus Christ.  She listened to me share about how God has been our strength.  She told me she was a different religion and I understand that.  When something is as real as Jesus is, you just want everyone else to know and understand that.

She also asked me if I'd noticed Cayla's color after she'd died.  I didn't particularly, but I do remember thinking she looked better than I thought she would.  She said that during those 4 hours, her skin was many colors from yellow to blue to purple and mottled on top of it.  Once she had died, she said all those around the table noticed her skin turn back to pink.  They hadn't seen that before, and they all stood there quite amazed at what happened.  I don't know why God did that, but I do remember thinking she didn't look too bad.  Just an interesting side note. 

She was a very special little girl. I've talked to God about why He allowed her to die.  It brings me comfort to know that many have seen a real, living, and faithful God through this experience in our lives.  I've thought that God knew that maybe her impact could be greater after only 2 months while so many were still closely following her precious life story through this blog. When I posted on the day she died, there were over 2,000 hits in less than 24 hours.  If that's all part of His plan, I accept it.  It's not my choice, but I accept it.  These kind of thoughts are what make Cayla's short life worth living.   I've talked to God about giving us another one...  He can do whatever He thinks is best for us.  I'm torn.  I want another baby in my arms to raise so, so badly, but I also know that I'm older and is it really best right now?  It's up to Him.  He had to specifically open my womb after 16 years of being completely closed for Cayla to be born, and He can do it again if He thinks it best.  I truly am ok either way.  The prayer that never fails... praying that God's will be done.

Well, I have to close this out.  Lowell and Samuel want to go play Disc Golf at 8:10pm so off we go.  I am needing to practice my song for Ralph Ball's funeral Wed. morning and make a salad and more for it too and I have a Concerts of Prayer meeting at 7am at Steak and Shake tomorrow morning with grocery shopping afterwards and I work half a day tomorrow and then wanted to go watch Olympics at my inlaws tomorrow night.  We'll see what gets done.   (Lovely run on sentence...)  Bye for now...

Staying busy

I started writing this a week ago after our yard sale on July 21st but never published it...

God is more precious to me than ever.  God's Word, the Bible, is more precious to me than ever.  Samuel is more precious to me than ever.  I know it's only been 4 short weeks since Cayla died.  I feel like I'm changing.  I just wonder if I'll ever feel like I did before.  In some ways I guess I'll never be the same, but in a good way.  The closer to God I am, the stronger I am.  I still find tears popping up when I least expect them, but that's just how it's going to be.  I just feel things deeper than before.  I think about things more... could just be because I'm more tired than before.  :o)  Ok, so it's more than that.  I look and hear children around me being yelled at and parents so frustrated, I just want to tell them to step back and get the big picture.  Take time to enjoy the children you have while you have them and they're still close enough to kiss and hug.  Please keep doing this.  I wish I could with Cayla and I do all the time with Samuel. Just don't take them for granted.

I want to go see Dr. El Gammal.  She was Cayla's pediatrician.  That Friday was the last day before her 3 week vacation started.  What a way to start it.  She stayed by Cayla's side the entire time in the ER.  She was so focused on Cayla.  Another Dr. came and told us Cayla had died.  She came in later somewhat hesitantly, and I just went to her and hugged her for all she was worth, thanking her for all she did to try and help Cayla that day.  Pastor Emery said a little bit later when they left, that there were some doctors crying out in the ER.  I just feel like there's a loose end here.  I want to see her and talk to her.  I want to ask her if this was a reaction to her immunizations.  I don't really know what or how she's feeling or if she still thinks about that day, but I just want to talk about it.  I went in to her appointment the day before acting confident about Cayla's care but really not sure underneath it all.  Bottom line is that once again, God could have prevented her death, but chose not to.  I just feel strongly that I need to close this door that's still open and go talk to her.  I kind of dread going anywhere near the hospital again and her office is in the hospital.  I think I'll call Monday to see when I could come in and just talk to her.  It may be hard in different ways for both of us. 

I just want to put out a very special thank you to Kim Hunsicker. She has spent 4 out of the last 6 days at my house for the sole purpose of our yard sale. On Monday when she came, besides helping organize and price stuff, she managed to wash every dirty dish in my house. There were few clean ones still in the drawers and shelves when she started. This is huge because I know she hates doing dishes as much as I do, and I don't have a dishwasher... She came Thursday and wouldn't leave until we had everything priced and ready to go. She came Friday at 7am to help set up and stayed all day! She even brought lunch that day and fixed chili cheese hot dogs for us all. She came this morning at 8am and helped set up and stayed all the way until everything was put away and cleaned up. She not only helped with the yard sale itself, but just as importantly or maybe even more so, she talked, laughed, cried, hugged, held, listened, and was an incredible friend to me and all of us today and this whole week. I am blessed. Thank you Kim for your wonderful friendship! Something she said today has stuck with me about her remembering some extremely painful times in her life and what a difference people made who reached out to her during those times. She told herself and God that she would be that person to others going through hard times and that is what motivates her. Showing the love of God to others. So through her pain, God has been able to use her greatly in the many lives she's touched. She has definitely shown the love of God to me and all of us this week. Thank you Kim. Love you. ♥  

Our yard sale was a success from a yard-salers viewpoint, but I'm glad it's over.  It was a great distraction the whole week.  I need distractions.  I need to stay busy.  If I'm not having to do something where someone is expecting me, I don't get much done. Busy is good right now... Some yard sale pictures.  Kim and I both got a good bit of sun.


Kim and I



Kim, Gary and Samuel discussing...?

Lowell and Samuel riding scooters during the yard sale's slow times. :o)

Bernadette and I.  She set up a couple of tables of stuff too.

Kim was left alone for too long without any supervision.  She organized the Precious Moments by year.  :o)  The ones we still have are all the dated ones such as Baby's 1st Christmas 1994.  We have some dated from the 80's.  It's nice to see so many gone with just these few left over. 

Now we're back to Sunday night July 29th.  Actually it's July 30th since it's now almost 1am.

Ok, moving on from the yard sale.  I downloaded some pictures of Cayla's plot at the cemetery.  I took this first picture of the clouds the day after her funeral.  We were outside that evening at my in-laws house just enjoying the beauty of God's creation.  The kids were out back and I just laid down in the grass.  As I looked up at the beautiful sky, I thought about Cayla in heaven.  She's not back in that hole in the ground.  She's with God.  So I pulled the camera out of my pocket and took this to remind me.  There's also some of her special little place at the cemetery.

Since I'm going through pictures I've finally downloaded, I'll add some of my brother Jim and his family.  They came up from Berryville, VA for the funeral.


Jim and Marla at Lakeshore Park the day after the funeral.

Jim, Marla, Meg, Chloe, James, Micah, Clara, Julia and Matthew
(click on pictures to enlarge them)

At Lakeshore Park



Matthew  :o)



Meg, Chloe and Clara with Sheylyn, our other niece at Grandpa and Grandma's house.

Chloe, Julia and Clara



Jim, Samuel, James and Micah the morning they left for home.


I have so much more to write, but it's late.  I did get to see Dr. El Gammal on Friday, but will write about it later.  It was good for me to go and hear what she had to say.   Oh, and I also have Cayla's service to put on too.  I haven't looked at it 2 weeks.  Now David's almost getting the rest done.  I need to look into it this week.   Stay tuned... it shouldn't be long now.  :o)

I'm doing ok.  Still having tears hit me when I least expect it.  Still missing our precious Cayla Joy.  Jesus is giving peace.  Jesus is sustaining us.   He's everything.  Everything we need.  Everything He says He is in the Bible.  The Bible is true from beginning to end.  If you have never experienced God's salvation, you're missing out.  The 3 of us have all personally experienced Jesus Christ alive and working in our lives through this time with and without Cayla.  There is no denying it.  Once you've experienced its reality, you want everyone else to as well.

Well, till next time.  Maybe tomorrow.  We'll see.  :o)  Thanks again for the prayers so many are still praying.  We need them.  Thanks.