Funeral pics and news

I've started writing numerous times over the last 2 months, but never posted.  Most of the time I never finished writing my thoughts and never came back to that post.  I've tried to put my thoughts down, but apparently couldn't make it happen.  I'll probably start a new post about where I'm at tonight, Dec. 22nd,  and just send this one out as is. 



I really can't believe Christmas is just a couple of weeks away.   Thanks to Lowell, we finally got some Christmas decorations up last Wed.  We've had the tree up with the lights and my rose balls up, but didn't put all the rest up until last night.  I don't think I'm dreading Christmas or anything, I just feel like I've lost a little enthusiasm for all the celebrating.  I am still enjoying Christmas music and other stuff, maybe it's just taking me longer to get into it all.  This really is the best time of the year with all the beautiful lights and decorations everywhere.  I do love it all.  We even went to the Ashtabula and Jefferson parades which was fun with family and friends!  Saturday we had our church Christmas dinner which turned out really nice and fun.  And last night we drove up to Lakeshore Park with some friends from church and saw the light display they have there. 

I was reminded in the song "Mary, Did You Know?", that because Jesus came from heaven to earth, "The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again."  That's my little Cayla. There is a promise in that.  I know we will see Cayla again.  I'm not wishing it, or hoping it, or 99% sure of it... I'm 100% sure of it because God's Word says so, and He wouldn't be God if one word in the Bible wasn't true.  What an awesome God!

You all will be proud of me.  I've made a doctor's appointment for Thursday, Dec. 13th.  I just still feel imbalanced maybe hormonally, I'm not sure.  I can't seem to physically get myself back together.  I've not been to a family doctor since we've been here in Ohio, and the only doctor I've been to was my OB/GYN who's no longer there.  But I called their office and asked them where to start.  She said I could choose another doctor from there, so I have, and he'll do some blood work and get me started on getting my health back again.  Even with exercising and eating fairly well, I've gained weight and can't seem to stop it.  So, hopefully I can get my life, physically, back together.  We will see. 

Thanksgiving brought my dad and Pat up for a visit which was so great to see them again.  While she was here, Pat downloaded pictures she took at Cayla's funeral for me.   I had my camera, but couldn't bring myself to take any pictures, so I'm glad she did.  I'll post some of them here.  In one way, it's kind of hard to see them, but I know she's in heaven which changes my outlook.  In other ways, it's not hard to see them because I want to remember everything... even that day of celebrating her short little life.  So, here's the few pics.  Mostly they're the flowers so those who sent them can see what was sent. 


Lowell's cousin, Jodi Poole, talking to us about how the day will go and and answering our questions.



Dad and I talking.  I guess we were looking at who all the flowers and plants were from. 

Not all the flowers were there yet.

Still talking about who knows what.   I guess Pat was just clicking away. 
I don't think I even knew she was taking any.  I'm glad she took some but not too many.  

Our precious Cayla Joy. 
Her flowers from Dad, Mom and Brother hadn't come yet. 
She was in the beautiful little yellow dress from our Pastor and his wife
and then wrapped in a big, soft blanket from her Aunt Cathie and cousins Tyler and Sheylyn. 
Jodi had it set so you could see the embroidering there too.

The little pillow in the shape of a heart with the yellow roses is from us, Mom, Dad and brother.
  They stayed in there with her.  You can click on the pictures to see them better to read the cards.







From Grandma and Grandpa Guenther
The yellow butterfly is on her little shelf





From Aunt Carol and Uncle Sandy Baumgardner
This angel is made of stone and we put this at her grave site too.



From Aunt Doris, Karla, Donna and Louisa, my aunt and cousins

From Cayla's cousin Hannah Sowry and Jim and Janet Slater (her mom)



From Ken Forging, where Lowell works



From the Ashtabula County Concerts of Prayer Board



From N.W. Baptist Church in Washington, D.C. Pastor Rodney and Diana Moye

We didn't find out this was the Moye's church until a month or so after the funeral.

For a while it was the beautiful, mystery wreath. 

We put this up at her grave and have just swapped out fake flowers. 

I'm collecting fake flowers to replace them since they don't last long in the elements. 



From Dr. and Mrs. Shoemaker for Pensacola Christian College. 





There were others, but I don't have pictures right now.  Dad and Pat's long-stemmed roses aren't in this set of pictures, but maybe I'll post more later.  Thanks for all the prayers and love over these months.  Love to all!

What a year...

Well, a year ago today we found out I was pregnant.  What an amazing day that was!  So, so much has happened since then.   I look back at this past year and as much as I would have loved for a different outcome, I wouldn't trade this year for anything.  I had a daughter.  No, I have a daughter.  I never thought I'd be able to say those words.  My precious baby girl is always going to be a part of me no matter what.  As time passes though, I feel like it was a dream.  The pregnancy seemed to go by so quickly and then the time in the hospital seemed so surreal.  The couple of weeks we were home with her went by so fast as we tried to make some kind of schedule.  And then it was all over.  And now 4 months have gone by.   

We'd have a little 6 month old now.  It's hard to think that it's been six months since I had her.  I've shed many tears this past week just realizing how much I miss having Cayla in my arms.  It's been a rough few days.  The peace from God is still there, I just miss my girl.  After waiting so many years for her and to only hold her for such a short time...  It's just hard.  She really was so precious.

I know if I were to turn my thoughts and perspective around, the tears would subside, and they have when I've needed them to.  But sometimes I just want to cry about losing Cayla.  Sometimes I need to cry about her.  Tears are healing.  They tell me I've not forgotten her.  Part of me wants to hurt so I don't ever forget her.  I feel like the time we had with her was so short that it would be easy to forget this past year even happened.  I know I'll never forget her, but my life has fallen back into pre-Cayla routines and activities that have nothing to do with a baby.  I do feel like it was all a dream.

Anyways, I'm just a little weepy and tired tonight.  I wanted to write today since this all started a year ago.  We had no idea what the year ahead would hold, but God did, and it's so amazing just resting and trusting Him.  I cry, but I'm ok.  Really.  I am.  Thanks for the prayers so many are still praying for us.  It's a process and we are all still going through it.  So don't stop.

Before I say goodnight, here's some random pics of those few short days with our precious Cayla Joy. 


Grandma



Aunt Cathie

 

Grandma and Grandpa



Grandma and Grandpa



Daddy



Samuel



Mommy

 

Samuel



The yellow cow... she would stare at this picture intently... Thanks Andy Warhol for entertaining Cayla.



Our Precious Cayla Joy

 Goodnight!  :o)

Samuel's 17... missing my Cayla

Well, thinking about little miss Cayla alot these days.  I guess I will for a while... especially around the 22nd and 24th of each month.  Yes, she'd be 5 months old today.  I guess in time I will get past these days of the month without noticing, but not yet.  We'd probably still be at Cleveland Clinic recovering from her 2nd heart surgery so we could gear up for her bottom surgery.  Oh well.  How to stop these thoughts.  I do not know.  I love her so much.  I miss her so much.  I want to kiss her and hold her one more time. 

I have this picture of her and Lowell as my desktop background, and I find myself before I go to bed each night, telling her that, Momma loves you, and stuff like that.  There's going to be a permanent mark on my screen where I "rub her head" like I used to.  Feeling like this is pretty pathetic, but it makes me feel like I can at least say goodnight to her each night.  Don't know if it's "healthy" but it's where I'm at.  :o) 

I really am doing ok.  I just miss her.  I am feeling like I'm functioning a little more like myself everyday.  Haven't determined whether that's good or bad yet... ;o)  Samuel and I are doing the couch to 5K program instead of just our own walking/jogging for 3-4 miles.  This is different, so we'll see how it goes.  We only went one day last week between Samuel's poison ivy all over his body and then his birthday.  So today was a little rough getting back into it.  I am loving this cooler weather though.  The trail is pretty shaded so it's definitely jacket weather. 

I really need to do this and watch what I'm eating since I've gained back all the weight I lost with my pregnancy and some.  I need to hourly ask for God's strength to do what's right for my body physically.  I cannot do this on my own.  I've tried my whole life to be able to lose the weight.  I mean lose it and keep it off.  I'm going to take it where I'm at right now and ask God at the top of every hour (even if I need to set my alarm) to be in control of my actions.  To drink a glass of water every hour.  To take a few minutes to pray for all the many people needing it that God brings my mind throughout that hour.  To guard what I eat. To smile and show the love of God.  To not be a waster of my time.  It's easy to sit here and write this out... what great intentions.  Well have to see what kind of a report on how I do in the next post...

Good news!  Well, bad news too.  First the good news... My hair that has been falling out by the handfuls is growing back.  Yay!  My head is covered with half inch peach fuzz.  Some are even longer.  :o)  Ok, the bad news... It's coming back white and kinky.  I have white hairs zig-zagging out of my head that will not curl, or unkink.  It's almost funny it's so bad.  Actually it is funny right now while it's still just a few long ones that stick out, but once all these many other ones start growing out longer, me thinks it won't be funny anymore.  At least you can't see my scalp all the way back anymore.  So I guess this means another update will have to come later with pictures.  Eww, Ahh.

Another note, two weeks ago, I was able to complete the process to send in my milk and they called to tell me they pasteurized it that morning and it's already being used.  They were thrilled with the amount I was able to send and the content of it.  She said it is just what they need for preemies with lots of thick cream and good fats (from all the salmon I was eating).  :o)  So, I'm so glad that finally worked out and is done.

Don't have time now, but I'll have to take pictures of Cayla's little box.  We put some of her mementos in a fancy jewelry box from Things Remembered.  I keep meaning to do that and don't think about it until times like now when I don't have the time to do it.  Oh well. 

Samuel's now 17 and we had a great weekend celebrating him!  Although the celebrating will continue this next weekend too.  Friday night Grandma and Grandpa are taking us to an Indians game in Cleveland and on Saturday, Lowell managed to get tickets to see Tim Hawkins, the Christian comedian, in Middleburg Heights.  Somewhere in the suburbs of Cleveland I think.  Plus we got a free $50 gift card to Chili's and Lowell has been through Chili's withdrawl since moving to Ashtabula... So he's really looking forward to this weekend as well.  We all are.  It will be nice going to Cleveland for something other than the Clinic.  :o)

Some pics from Saturday night with family and friends.

Thanks for all the love and prayers.  So many times I feel my spirits lift and just know someone had to have been praying for us.  Thank you.  We'll talk more later!  ;o)

Samuel or Cayla?

It's 12:30am this lovely, cold, rainy, dark, Friday night.  Samuel and 3 of his friends are outside, in the rain and darkness, having an AirSoft battle.  Whatever makes them happy.  I'm glad to be right here, dry and warm.  Samuel turned 17 yesterday and is having friends over tonight.  We'll have all the family and friends over tomorrow for dinner.  He's had a great time so far.  Uncle John (my brother) and Uncle Cress (Lowell's brother) have had an impact on him.  He likes cool smelling deodorants and sprays, so I thought I'd ask him if he wanted to look at some cologne yesterday.  So, what do we see right off the bat?  Mustang.  It was in the original or Blue Mustang scent.  We both really liked the Blue one, so I got it for him.  Thanks to his uncles since Lowell and I don't wear any of that... :o)  Tomorrow we celebrate my boy. 

Yesterday, we also started looking through old pictures.  I wanted to post a little album on facebook with some of his baby pics.  Well, what do we find?  This picture below of him sleeping on the couch with Daddy.  The top 2 are Cayla.  They almost look like the same baby!  I had to share.  So amazed at how much they look alike.  Samuel thought it was pretty neat that she looked so much like him.  :o)

 

Cayla Joy 2012

 

 

Samuel Hunter 1995

Well, they are coming in, drying off and wanting to play the Wii which is right behind me... Well, I'll get a picture of the wet gang and go to bed.



Left to right... Steven Russell, Joseph Laing, Roger Strull, and Samuel





Samuel and Some Thoughts

Well, we'd be getting ready for Cayla's 2nd heart surgery this week probably.  I am happy for her not having to go through all the surgeries, pain, recoveries and all that goes with it.  The Lord knows we'd be right there helping her through it all.  He chose to spare her.  I am happy for my girl, but... but what?  I wish her back here to go through it all?  I guess I can't say that.  She's perfect now.  No abnormalities on her.  No surgeries lined up.  I guess I really can't wish her back here.  But, I guess I can say, I miss her.  I do wish it didn't have to be this way.  Still, even though I miss her tremendously, God has given me a peace about her life.  I know I cry, I feel lost at times, I don't function the way I used to, but that's just my human side coming out.  I have a great Lord.  I can smile about her more and more as the Lord's great peace just settles in and stays. 

I have to share Psalm 27:4, "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." When I hear the phrase, "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord..." I think of Psalm 23:6.  It ends that phrase with the word "forever".  But Psalm 27:4 ends that phrase with, "all the days of my life."  That's right now, not just eternity.  I've always thought of that phrase as just referring to heaven, but this verse refers to now, here, on earth, while I'm still living I can dwell in the house of the Lord.  That is an awesome thought if you let it sink in.  Every day of my life, however long or short that may be, I can chose to live with the Lord and hang out at His place anytime I want to!  I'd guess that if I had a friend who was a billionaire and was given access to their house anytime, I'd be going there as often as I could, and I'd be wanting to show my other friends what this place was like.  How much more amazing is it to walk each day of this life on earth in the presence of the Lord and dwell where He dwells.  To see His wonderful beauty and ask Him whatever I want to.  Well, we can.  It's our choice.  To spend our days in squalor, living on the streets, or to step into that beautiful place of peace and trust.  I can't imagine anyone literally choosing to live on the streets with a house like that available, but spiritually we do it all the time. We can chose to trust God, to dwell in His house all day long, or we can live life the way we do... with anger, mistrust, fear, pride, disobedience and the list goes on.  Just a thought that struck me when Mrs. Emery, my pastor's wife, read this verse in her devotional the other day.  Thought I'd share my thoughts.

Verses like this lift my spirit tremendously.  I just want to yell it on the housetops that God is real!  The Bible is everything it says it is.  God is everything He says He is.  And I can say this, not because it's just what I believe, but because I've experienced it.  I've experienced living with God.  I don't know what you believe, but if you just believe something because that's what you've been taught, it's popular, or think is right, you've got nothing on personally knowing something's real because you've felt it.  I can't explain it.  I can't explain the overwhelming peace God gave when my baby died.  I can't explain a lot of things that God has done these last 2-4 months in my life.  But I can say He's real.  The Bible is 100% true.  I've experienced it!  Just had to share.  My fingers are just typing away as I sit here this Sunday afternoon.  I sat down, not having a clue what I wanted to write, but just started writing. 

This is what pulls me up out of my depression.  I talk about Cayla alot.  That helps.  I talk to people alot.  That helps.  I read my Bible.  That really helps.  I pour my heart out to God.  That gives me peace.  I write this all out.  That helps me more than all the talking I could muster up (trust me that's alot...).  People are wonderful, don't get me wrong.  All my talking helps me and thank you to all you listeners who put up with me.  But my strength to get through each day only comes from the Lord.  He is my all in all.  I guess I just want everyone reading this to grasp a picture of what your life could be like if you truly gave it all to Him. 

I sang a song a couple of weeks ago called, "You Will Always Be A Child".  It's God talking to us.  We will always be a child in His eyes.  It's like being 5 years old and having no worries about tomorrow, mom and dad are taking care of it.  Kids don't worry about stuff.  Neither should we.  If you're God's child, you've got a heavenly Father taking care of you.  Think of yourself as being 5 again.  Trust Him with all the details of your life.  If you're not God's child, you really need to reconsider. I was just talking to my mother-in-law Thursday about this.  I so badly want another baby girl to hold in my arms and love, but just as much as I want this, I don't want it.  I don't know if I can write out my meaning.  I'm 42.  Lowell's 52. The thought of raising Cayla was overwhelming in itself.  I could push and pray that God gives us another child.  What if it's not the best thing for us?  What if it's not in God's perfect plan for our lives?  Would I want to push God to do something that I want when He might have a perfect will and plan for our lives that might be even better?  Never.  I want a baby, but I don't. I'm ok, not ever having another child again.  All this confusion is where God comes in.  I'm not going to push one way or another.  I can just tell God that I want His best for us, whatever that may be. Period.  No more confusion.  No more stress.  No more worrying.  It's in His hands and when your life is in perfect hands, you have nothing, I said nothing to worry about.  Love it!!

My mother-in-law and I did our last trek out to Hillcrest Hospital again last Thursday.  At least I think it should be our last trek.  With life, you never know.  I've been trying to donate all the breast milk in my deep freezer.  It's taking a while to get the ball rolling, but we're making progress.  It's good for up to 6 months and time is running out.  The milk bank of Ohio is very low on supply, so I would love to have this go to help another little baby.  Cayla had to have donor milk at one point, so I'm happy to have it to give.  I would guess I have about 130-150 ounces of milk in my freezer.  I had to keep pumping so when she could have my milk, I could keep up with her demand.  Anyways,  Hillcrest is the closest hospital that will do the necessary blood work for free, so we went with the kit they sent and had my blood drawn.  Well, I couldn't go to Hilcrest without stopping to see Dr. Rajabi.  He thought he got rid of me a long time ago... :o)  Well, I keep coming back to haunt him.  :o)  Going there to my appointments, even though I knew Cayla only had half a heart that worked, was such a high point for me.  I was pregnant again.  I was going to have a baby.  Yeah, she had problems, but it was still a time of great excitement for me.  So going back up there to Dr. Rajabi's office was remembering good times for me.  I would love to go back to Cleveland Clinic and see the doctors and nurses there too.  It was a hard time, but it was where Cayla was.  It's a special place to me.  They're all special people to me.  I know I won't since I don't really have a reason to go back, but since I was already at Hillcrest, I couldn't help myself  from stopping in to say Hi up on 4th floor.

Well, there went my Sunday afternoon... I always feel good after I sit and write in the blog.  I should do it more, but I feel like anything I type here should have to do with Cayla.  So I share some stuff on facebook and every now and then, on the blog.  I guess I'll share some pictures I've recently put on facebook on here too. 

I did take some pictures last night of the 8 long-stem pink roses my Dad and Pat got at Cayla's homegoing service from June.  I arranged them and let them dry and we'll see how long they last.  They look very pretty I think for just sitting in a bowl.  They chose 8 because she was 8 weeks old.  One for each week of her little life. 

I'll close this post with Samuel.  He's a senior this year.  He's still 16 at least for 2 more weeks.  Here's some pictures from the first day of 12th grade...



He said the sun was in his eyes.  :o)  My bright eyed and bushy tailed son. 

We've been walking/running every school morning.  We've done it now for 4 weeks.  We go to the Greenway Trail which is 41 miles long from Ashtabula straight south into the next county.  It used to be a railroad track and now it's a gorgeous stretch of God's creation.  We've been going anywhere from 2-3 and 1/2 miles a day.  We're thinking about running (and walking) a 5K.  I think there's one on Thanksgiving morning.  We'll see.  Here's some pictures of where we run.  It's beautiful and I can't wait until the leaves start changing for fall!  I have to say that he even went this week by himself the 2 days I wasn't feeling good.  I'm proud of him and how he's maturing and letting God change him into the man He wants him to be.